ROSWELL, NM–Though not much is known and/or being stated at this hour, Lebal Drocer Inc. has put out a statement clearing Elf Wax and their smash hit, “Krocko’s Contemporary Strife”, of any participation in this shocking, supernatural occurrence. Lebal Drocer Inc. also has reassured the public that the ubercorporation does not endorse peace in any way or form.
EARTH, MW–In what appeared to be simple verbal observations of nature and it’s beauty, a notorious pessimist has seemingly mended the fracture of space-time continuum, sparing humanity’s precious existence. Not much is known at this time, but experts say by just sputtering a few thoughtful words on the fruitfulness of the mountain lands, this notorious pessimist, who remains unnamed, may have singlehandedly saved billions of lives from a mad world gone wax’d.
Tragically, as a result of the spoken examinations, the world has now become overly pretentious and artsified, leaving every solitary statement to appear groundbreaking. Scientists say it appears as if our planet is now one giant, spherical, art school. They have also dreadfully mentioned that this “artsy fartsy” Earth may be worse and more harmful than it was earlier today, before the pessimist spilled his heart out about nature.
NAMEATOWN, US–A local karate expert injured his hand and pride while trying to prove his strength by breaking a wooden board with his bare knuckles. Thurston Wallace, 19, after seeing elder karate experts nonchalantly break through boards using their foreheads, realized his strength was in question and was quick to saw a fresh board, intending to destroy it. He then demanded a Colorado resident to “hold that [depletive exleted]” and repeatedly attempted to break the board with his hand.When Wallace was finally able to break the board,
a rip in the space-time continuum was apparently torn open, leaving humanity in shambles. The rest of our footage was thoroughly destroyed and all wax has now broken loose.
While there is no evidence leading to any suspects, sources close to the victim all concur that it was most likely the same guy operating the camera in the video who indeed ashed in the beer. No charges have been pressed yet but Richmond OverEnforce officers have stated that someone should really “sue the [depletive exleted] pants off” of whomever is to blame.
Though the can of beer was obviously contaminated, that didn’t seem to stop the subject from consuming more beer and enjoying the newest Elf Wax track, “VIETNAMetrics (space party!)”, off the new calbum that hits stores never.
Nuclear weapons have been activated world-wide by Lucifer’s commando-demons, and the world is now on the brink of total destruction! As the weapons are aimed for their final, maximum destructive potential the whole of mankind will end sometime tonight, in a hail of nuclear explosions that will “most likely change the entire geography of earth.” There is no word yet on a post-apocalyptic race of mutated apes, the last ray of hope for humankind.
With the coming of Pat Robertson’s apparent death, witnesses report the Devil appeared and massacred more than 3,000 of the now-dead Religious icon’s congregation. He revealed that he had in fact been in control of Pat Robertson for his entire life and was the Anti-Christ. He asserted that Christ was actually celebrity pill-popper Heath Ledger and that there was no chance for Earth. Our analysts indicate that was just the devil’s dark humor, but our polls show 95% of people believe that Heath Ledger actually was Jesus Christ.
His paramilitary remained faithful and have been given the gift of permanent Demonhood in return for their service. Lucifer returned to hell triumphantly, being the final owner of all human souls. The magical winged paramilitary with infinite bullet clips have already killed all major urban centers’ entire population.
People in hiding have already begun resorting to suicide, perhaps out of fear, but most likely because their souls are forever lost and tormented by the dark master of evil. Every body of water has turned to blood, and fresh water is no longer even an option. Indeed the rapture is upon us and Satan has prevailed, but 666 really had nothing to do with it.
Mainstream media implies that the cartoon Naruto “may be to blame” without citing any actual evidence as such, and without acknowledging that this 10-year-old boy may have never been taught or intuited on his own that people can not breathe under sand, which is almost always composed of millions of very small grains of sediment and rock.
In an interview conducted by a shoddy corporate-owned local newspaper with no allegiance to the truth or decency, Cody’s family members described him as imaginative and smart, despite the fact that he just died from being buried under a foot of sand.
Sensitive readers are asked to read the following with caution: Codey’s half-brother, Josh Quantrille describes the gruesome details of how little Codey’s death-scheme came to fruition. “They watch a cartoon where there were like sandmasters or something. They can manipulate sand or something like that,” said Quantrille. “He came up with an idea if he were to do this, then he would be able to be one of them. They’re all under 10, so a pretty crazy imagination, you know. They were like hey, OK.”
Josh Quantrille, 30, said the boy was “Really articulate. He’s got a really good imagination too. He’s just not a regular 10-year-old.” Unfortunately, Cody’s imagination failed him Saturday morning when he did not imagine himself standing up out of the sand as it was pouring into every hole in his little face and he could no longer breathe, see or swallow.
Everett, a small, hick abscess of a community located in what would otherwise be a beautiful Washington countryside has lost its brightest upcoming citizen and many of the area’s parents are too stupid and inbred to know how to talk to their own children about it.
That is why Patricia Gauksheim, the principal of Silver Firs Elementary School has sent a letter home so that parents could be informed and prepared for the upcoming precarious talks with their persistently inquisitive children. “It’s a well-known fact that children who ask questions are children who don’t get buried headfirst under sand,” she said, “so we want parents to be armed with knowledge to salvage what scrapple is left at the bottom of the class.” Those quotes are fabricated, because the truth makes this paragraph funnier. It should be noted that this same principal also described Codey as “bright” with “a lot of friends” – friends who, when Codey began thrashing about from asphyxiation, laughed and assumed he was “just playin’.” The contents of the letter, burdened with typos and fart-jokes, vaguely describe what happened to Codey yesterday and how to talk to the children about it. Nevermind the fact that the children will be taking the letter home themselves, in their own hands.
One parent is quoted as saying, “I have a third grader at home, so he’s going to come home with some information. So certainly, the need to edit, filter, and hear what he thinks about what he heard is important.” Of course. Because without dedicated parents like this one, children may grow up to think for themselves, thereby doubling the effects of this ginger tragedy.
The school has reported the establishment of a grief-counseling center to help children and teachers alike get over the fact that they knew someone so ignorant as Codey, the Sandmaster.
The Porter family has come to terms with the notion that the only valuable aspect to Codey’s biological spawning into this cruel, sandy world was the usefulness of his organs so they are giving them away to more intelligent people who deserve to prosper. His little, freckled body is being pillaged for kidneys, eyeballs, a heart and a liver as you read this.
The money-grubbing Porter family has also established a “Memorial Fund” for the boy set up through, you guessed it: a church. We won’t bother you with links and names, because religion is a sham and a crutch for the weak-minded, much like the supposed necessity of a memorial fund for a boy who died such an unforgettable death.
Besides, certain internet groups have already attached to this and are hitting them full force with prank calls, sandmaster jokes, emails, and letters of indignation.
ROANOKE, VA–As a result of the recent findings of pharmaceutical drugs in tap water across the U.S., a local study in Roanoke, Virginia has found traces of lysergic acid diethylamide(LSD) in the community’s water supply. Experts say the water supply could’ve been “spiked” many years ago. Tragiluckily, police have taken necessary measures and shut off all water in the Roanoke Valley, leaving thousands waterless, hopeless, and, of course, tripless.
Local citizen and water enthusiast, Travis Parcha(pictured right), 22, stated that the mass water outage “kinda sucks, dude” as he realized he had no beverage to co-consume with his pizza(s). Roanoke OverEnforce Commissioner, Gordon Magwalice III, issued a statement earlier this lifetime stating that the outage is expected to last several years in order to ensure that no LSD is wonderfully ingested and perhaps could continue “until Earth dries up like a prune.” Commissioner Magwalice III said that this now solved problem may explain the design of the upcoming Art Museum of Western Virginia as well. Construction of the museum has been indefinitely halted. Back to you, Shep!
This has been generously brought to you by Lebal Drocer Inc.
Yes in my opinion Personal Chainsawfest is the a mix of the new and old styles of music. I remember when I first heard it, I was sitting at my computer eating Fritos Brand Corn Chips refreshing Elfwax Times over and over to get the latest news. The next thing i know im having ear orgasms……. multiple ear orgasms! Personal Chainsawfest is the ballad i have been waiting for ever since purple rain hit stores. In my opinion it should be played during all elevator rides that go above 50 floors and or during passionate moments between a loved one.
Elfwax Times Ocillating Fan Club
In the aftermath of the scientific discovery that there is no god and that all is merely as Science explains, Pope Benedict has abdicated his position and liquidated all church assets and given them to the poor. Poverty in Europe has been ended. The middle-east has exploded into a non-stop frenzy of orgies and crime when it was found out that everyone was praying towards an empty and meaningless box. The situation in Asia, outside of Islamic areas has been described as “totally indifferent” because the godless Chinese are unaffected. Buddhists also maintain that their way of life has been unaffected by news that there is no god. America has entered a brutal civil war, and great tragedy has ensued. Salt Lake city is now a glass lake, and while the reasons why the Mormons nuked themselves are fully unclear, it is most likely intentional suicide, as their entire reason for living was removed over night. There are rumors of mutant Mormons roaming the Great plains apparently in search of flesh, the only survivors of the self-nuking of Utah. Their immeasurable appetite for flesh is only surpassed by the agony of surviving suicide. Truly these horrible monsters will wreak havoc whenever they reach civilized areas. Most Protestant Christians, however, refuse to believe in evidence or proof that goes against their faith, because it is a part of God’s plan. Five separate people have claimed to be the second-coming of Jesus Christ, and thousands have decided that they are in fact the Anti-Christ. Virtually every school in the nation has been shut down because of wannabe Anti-Christs going on rampages. Currently Pat Robertson’s Paramilitary Christian Warriors whom he funded through the 700 Club are in control of the nation’s Capital. More on this breaking story as it develops.