Categories
Science Society

Vultures Of The Human Kingdom

The vulture cleans up messes in nature, which would otherwise cause health problems. They don’t attack healthy animals, but focus on dead and dying animals. Botulinum toxin, the toxin that causes botulism, does not affect them, and they can eat rotten flesh containing anthrax, rabies, and cholera bacteria, with no ill health effects. The vulture’s sense of smell is so great, that they are able to smell the dead they focus upon from great heights. Vast numbers have been seen upon battlefields. They gorge themselves when prey is abundant, until their stomach bulges, and then sit, sleepy and groggy, until they digest their food. These birds are of great value as scavengers, especially in hot regions, as they are one of the rare scavengers that can survive in hot, arid, desert regions. They are able to survive in blistering hot temperatures because they shit on their legs, and the water evaporating from their shit cools their body down.

The decline in vultures has led to hygiene problems in India, as carcasses of dead animals now tend to rot, or be eaten by rats or wild dogs, rather than be tidied up by vultures. Rabies among these other scavengers is a major health threat. India has one of the world’s highest incidences of rabies.

As valuable as vultures are to mankind, they do not get the appreciation they deserve.

The human vultures of the world don’t get the appreciation they deserve either. Just like vultures eat dead animals so that they won’t spread disease, homeless people rifle through our trash to take our half eaten food, so it won’t turn rotten and spread disease. So, when you see a bum rummaging through your trash, keep in mind that, just like their airborne brethren the vulture, they are doing us a service.

Elf Wax zoologists have discovered that homeless people tend to smell so bad because they go to the bathroom on themselves. One theory is that, like the vulture, the homeless rely on water evaporating from the excrement and urine in their pants to keep themselves cool.

Just as vultures are able to live on only the carcasses of dead and diseased animals, the homeless are able to live on only the spare change and discarded food of the working.

The homeless, like the vulture, have evolved into a creature that can survive in almost any region, and sustain themselves on the waste of others. These misunderstood creatures are truly miracles of nature, and should be revered for their adaptability……..not scorned.

Categories
Law Video

FBI DIRECTOR WINS WAR ON DRUGS

Washington, D.C.– In a harrowing defense of marijuana’s ongoing criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all drugs. Dopes on the list include meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN). “Alcohol,” he said, “is just poisonous enough in its own right to remain.”

Steve Cohen asked Mueller, “Can you give statistics that point to deaths relating to marijuana?” Mueller said he could not. That is when he employed the “gateway drug” argument, familiar within the intellectual circle of teachers, preachers, school principals, police officers and FOX News viewers. And your granddad.

Tennessee Congressman Steve Cohen’s embarrassing loss in the marijuana debate can be seen here:

Elf Wax Political Science Department analysis hails the FBI director’s clandestine reinforcement of the perceived evils of marijuana, calling it, “a classic D.A.R.E. response, sure to win the hearts and minds of parents who lost children to rampant heroin addictions everywhere.”

Brian “Honeybee” Seesaw, chief Elf Wax drug abuse aficionado, said, “What’s more, is he managed to exact upon all people with drug addictions the notion that they all started with ‘pot’ or ‘grass’, or what is known scientifically as ‘The Devil’s Weed’ by citing anecdotes he imagined in which a parent might hypothetically say their son smoked pot in addition to snorting cocaine. That’s hard-hitting evidence if I’ve ever seen it.”

Furthermore, Robert Mueller reassured Americans that forty percent of them are in fact dangerous drug-abusing criminals, and ought to be locked up or at the very least fined, placed on probation, urine-tested monthly, and disallowed to drive a vehicle, staining their records permanently.

The pot-smoking, acid-dropping Democratic Representative of Tennessee had no further questions for Mr. Mueller and later indicated to the press he would be checking himself into a rehabilitation facility following the discovery of Cohen’s recent shameful thoughts found in CNN’s broadcast of his unpatriotic questioning of the supreme (im)balance of power and his Communistic lack of trust in the State’s ability to make every American’s personal, spiritual, and moral decisions for them.

Categories
Entertainment News

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.

Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing
young Skywalker into the Dark Side

In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you’re happily absorbing.
Possible uses for these chatrooms are:
  1. Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
  2. Internet predation
  3. Learning
  4. Discussion of current events
  5. Discussion of painful past events
  6. Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
  7. Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
  8. Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It’s what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States’ confiscated drug supply.