Area man loses mind

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet. . . .

Intelligent Design to End Life on Earth

Scientists have invented Life 2.0, and it’s going to kill you! . . .

Peter Pan Dies of Drug Overdose

Peter Pan has died from either an accidental drug overdose or possibly a death ray fired by the CIA from a satellite. . . .

Jon and Kate Plus Hate

John and Kate, the bickering parents of 8 children have filed for divorce. . . .

Area man reheats macaroni, "Isn't the same"

Roanoke, Va. – Steve Grabowski, a Roanoke factory worker, was disappointed […] . . .

Internet Spammers Now Legitimate

Internet spammers seem to be on the decline, but Elf Wax turns a paranoid eye towards recent suspicious business endeavors. They’re after your money and it should be ours, dammit. . . .

Stoner realizes speed of Earth's movement through space, blows mind

A Cave Spring-area youth was high on marijuana today when he realized that time does not exist and therefore […] . . .

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships. . . .

Dog Gets Off the Hook

Duane the Dog Chapman has been let off by the Black community. Did he get away with racism because of his wife’s mammoth titties or his halfassed apology on Sean Hannity? . . .

What the fuck is this?

Lebal Drocer forces local publication to new heights. Elf Wax Times consumes its first rainbow, regurgitates beauty God failed to create. Fear replaces joy, incandescent light bulb considered healthy substitute for natural sunlight. Nocturnal humans. . . .