A Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.
The 54-year-old Monopoly slumlord struck the woman in the head, breaking her glasses, she told authorities, forcing the unfair trade with his thug-like business tactics. After knocking her block off, he seized the properties in question without tendering any payment whatsoever.
Some sources have rumored that he placed hotels on the property without making the proper payments. Yet another source claims he manipulated the bank, causing a microcosm of the real-life housing crisis. “He was cooking the books,” said fictitious money analyst Jim Cramer.
The monopoly slum lord was arrested shortly after the game and charged with racketeering in addition to assault and battery.
The man was ordered not to pass go, and not to collect two hundred dollars and then sent directly to jail. However, he quickly paid the standard $50 bail bond and was set free next turn.
“He should be roaming the streets by morning,” the rule book says.
There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!
Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.
Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shroudsappears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.
SALT LAKE CITY-Forensic evidence has a lead a hand-selected set of unbiased media deprived jurors to the unanimous decision that Nancy Grace was in fact the murderer in her own biggest story.
Mrs. Grace’s attorneys were not available for comment, because they are on a vacation to the International Space Station, spending Mrs. Grace’s legal fees, approximately 600 million dollars in all. Nancy Grace was abandoned by her defense after only two days of questioning-which was followed by Mrs. Grace’s humiliating and ineffective self-defense.
Mrs. Grace made a statement in a furious but failed attempt to exonerate herself and avoid ridicule.
“I am one of the most gentlest people I have ever known. Little Caylee was murdered before I even met her, and I love her as my own daughter. These last few months being under investigation [inaudible] they’ve been horrible, horrible. I’m not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases. I’m not guilty, and I won’t eat your souls if given the chance.” -Nancy Grace
Mrs. Grace was sentenced to death by hanging because of a backwards Utah statute dating from before the Civil War.
CNN has modified its broadcasting to a 24 hour cycle of Nancy Grace reporting her own last days from prison mixed equally with heart disease and drug commercials. This paramedia assault from hell has ended the normal lives of at least 100 million Americans every day according to the latest Nielsen ratings.
Nancy Grace has begun to feed on the negative energy and hate filled atmosphere of her prison cell and has purportedly begun to “evolve” rapidly a la Pokemon. As her prison-bound rhetoric ramps up, viewers will keep tuning in. Nancy Grace Live From Prison is the most popular television event since the Iraq War.
Her guards have issued the resounding opinion that Mrs. Grace will not be contained by her cell for very much longer. The widespread belief is that her rate of growth may reach a critical ‘Akira-like’ tipping point and she may devour the entire prison, or even the planet.
“She’s just getting too big, too fast. Being stuffed with such pure hatred will give her the strength to snap those iron bars like toothpicks. I think if she wanted to get out now, she’d just rage her way through and kill us all. She’s only staying in there for television-she’s feeding her own hatred in an infinite loop or a downward spiral-whatever. She will never be put to death, I don’t think it’s even possible at this point.”
Roanoke, Va. – A new study reveals glory hole “goes both ways.”
After thirty-five minutes of rigorous testing, Chinese scientists working undercover for The Elf Wax Times have concluded that a glory hole works in both directions.
“This law is the same for all glory holes, regardless of which direction they are drilled from, and regardless of the thickness of the barrier wall,” concluded lead scientists Harry Johnson, drawing from earlier research conducted by Donna Short and Stacey Stuck.
Lead Elf Wax particle-physicist Charles A. Hungwell is the director of the Universal Study of Glory Hole Biotics (GHB) and administrator of many orgies, including the great Stonewall Inn Orgy of June 28, 1969. He said, “Regardless of where you are in space or time, and regardless of your position relative to the glory hole, the laws of physics are really quite consistent.”
As well, he said, unlike with a black hole, what goes in the glory hole “does come out, nine times out of ten.”
When questioned about the tenth percentile in which “nothing comes out,” Mr. Hungwell blushed only to proudly announce his sex change, and that, almost as if by miracle, “no operation” would be necessary.
The most legendary website ever to be used for pulling pussy has seen an increase in the number of people drinking alone at their computers and then announcing it through the News Feeding Trough.
The source of the problem, the U.S. Government said, is the sheer lack of anything enjoyable on the website, whatsoever.
“What’s with all the poking?” asked Norm Macdonald.
Miller Lite said that, paralleling reality, people in a virtual reality will turn to virtual alcoholism as a means of coping with its ordinary lameness. They seek a relationship that “Goes down smooth, and is not too filling.” Fulfilling, that is.
Other sources say that when compared to MySpace (a Rupert Murdoch subsidiary), there is a disproportionate amount of “smart chicks” to slutty easy chicks. “People just aren’t posting tits,” said a hunch-backed old masturbator named Larry.
Born under a triple rainbow after a swallow’s song foretold his coming, Kim Jong-un ushers in a new era of Fear across the so-called Lands of Democracy. His birth marks the appearance of an entirely new constellation in the phallic shape of a nuclear weapon.
The decadent West is free only to Fear him and the collapse of their feeble capitalist societies under the imminent weight of his mysterious might.
The most beautiful response to the problem of humanity is nearly 26 years old, and beckoning you from behind the 38th Parallel to the doorstep of his jewel-encrusted palace where, like Christ, he waits with tidings of Love and the oppression of your enemies.
The difference between Kim Jong-un and his father, Kim Jong-il, Elf Wax political analingists say, is his fervor for nuclear annihilation, which puts his father to shame, miraculously without dishonoring him in the process.
“Kim Jong-il,” sources say, “Will grind your weiners into atomic dust for use in the nuclear warheads aimed strategically at Alaska – a hotbed of American culture, and the source of wealth, revenue, power and world-famous quitter Sarah Palin.”
Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live, the Today Show, and the late-night talk show circuit following in the Ayatollah’s footsteps.
Rush Limbaugh is hailing the New World Leader’s glorious descent to humanity by playing hours of interview footage with ex-Soviet fighters who were originally commanded by Kim’s father, whose name also starts with Kim. These interviews include the comments of senile old men with heavy Russian accents who seem to be largely intoxicated. Most of these cold-warriors express a sense of jealousy towards the Socialist system of America-alarming aging McCarthyists nationwide.
His mother, Kim Jong-suk, or as she’s better known in certain parts of North Korea, Kim Jong-sukky sukky fie dorra, died from the force of his birth, as her pelvis was split asunder. Today at the age of 23, Kim Jong-Un is reckless and violent enough to dominate all his foes and usher in a new age of pelvis-shattering hate upon any place missiles can reach.
Ayatollah Hussein Obama has granted amnesty to the world’s most famous serial killer.
White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips said the Obama Administration felt obligated on a freedom of speech technicality to release Charles Manson and pardon all charges.
“These California hippies are always hiding behind the First Amendment.” – White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips, crudely editorializing in front of reporters Thursday
Marilyn Manson fans have gathered outside San Quentin Prison in California alongside some goths and a lesser-known group of people calling themselves cutters. “Cutters” are a mysterious breed of suburbanites that co-exist alongside yuppie parents in comfortable dwellings called McMansions. They have united in celebration and anticipation of Manson’s first hit album, ‘Bad’, featuring Axl Rose and Dennis Wilson on Elf Wax Records.
On a side-note, self-mutilation, or “body-modding” requests are flooding into tattoo shops across the nation. Charles Manson’s fans have requested everything from the regular cross or swastika on the forehead to American flags emblazoned with the swastika rather than 50 stars across their backs.
Said one excited fan, “I got my swastika on the forehead scarred in there permanent!”
“I’m just so glad to see justice that I got stars and bars tattooed across my forehead,” said a sad-eyed transvestite named Lou.
Charles Manson has also launched HelterSkelter.com, a site which Manson says was “coded entirely using only basic HTML written in blood across an Arizona family’s wall.”
The painstaking hours of coding was “worth it,” he said, “because after it was all said and done, I could kick back and watch it all set in.”
Setting up Google Analytics will require a whole different set of organ tissue, he said, and indicated that it would all probably be coded in a baby turtle puree.
Fox has signed a contract with Manson for his starring role in an upcoming reality TV show. Charles Manson will live in a mansion located in Death Valley with several of his fans – only one of which will win a million dollars.
The show’s producers are providing him with a steady supply of LSD, which he will most likely use to enfeeble their minds and break down their personalities. The public has been so awash with buzz over this new show that FX has already purchased exclusive rights to its reruns.
Snakes are amazing creatures. They live on every continent except for Antarctica, where it is much too cold for snakes to survive. They are so adept at surviving, that some can reproduce without a member of the opposite sex. The Brahminy blind snakes are all females. When mature, they lay fertile eggs, and the young are clones of the mother.
One of the most interesting snakes to me is the king cobra. The king cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world, reaching lengths of more than 18 feet and weighing up to 50 pounds. The king cobra dines exclusively on other snakes. When it can’t find other snakes to eat, it will dine on other available prey, like small rodents. Although it dines on other snakes, and the occasional rodent, the venom of the king cobra is strong enough to kill an elephant.
The king cobra has a reputation as man killer, but in reality, the king cobra avoids humans. When confronted by man, or other large creatures, they will try to flee. If they are cornered, they will feign death by flipping on to their back, opening their mouths, allowing their tongues to roll out, and emptying a foul smelling substance from their anal glands, making them highly unappetizing to any potential predator. That’s right……in addition to carrying around toxic venom, they have a supply of putrid shit which they can dispense at will. This “man killer” will only strike at humans as a last resort.
A couple of interesting things they have in common with all other snakes are the fact that they are completely deaf, lacking any form of external ear. All snakes are incapable of learning, because they lack the enlarged Cerebral Hemispheres, which is the part of the brain controls learning and thought.
Now, when I read that snakes are incapable of learning, I couldn’t help but think about the trouser snake. Which brings me to the issue I wanted to talk about to begin with.
Like every man besides Calvin Hart, I have a penis that I frequently use for coitus. Coitus is sexual intercourse for those of you not familiar with the term. Sexual intercourse is great fun, for those of you not familiar with the act.
Now, this aforementioned penis of mine has gotten me into more trouble than I can explain in this article. Each and every time it gets me into trouble, I swear that I will never let it do that again. But it inevitably does. I can only conclude that the trouser snake, like all other snakes, is incapable of learning.
I fooled around with my best friend’s wife one time. I shouldn’t have done that. I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway. That cost me my best friend, and my girlfriend, when she found out. I don’t know why I did it. I just did.
I swore I would never do anything like that again.
My friend and I made amends after some time. He eventually got back together with his wife. And I screwed her again.
Just like its scaly brethren, the trouser snake is incapable of learning.
One thing I have learned through the trials and tribulations brought on by the trouser snake, is that the trouble it causes is expensive. This brings me to the most dangerous kind of snake in the world…… the snake in the grass.
I had coitus with a stranger one time, and it is now costing me over $1100 a month. The “justice” system determined that this woman, who slept with a complete stranger one time in a hotel bar and got pregnant, is entitled to more than a grand a month for her noble accomplishment. Now, I could understand a couple hundred dollars a month, but a grand a month? How does a kid need a grand a month to go to elementary school? This woman simply hit the lottery. Fucking snake in the grass bitch!
The American Indians used to share a story about snakes whenever their fellow man needed solace. It goes like this: an old woman finds an injured snake and nurses it back to health. For weeks upon months upon years she tends to this snake until it is OK again. And then one day it bites her. “Snake,” she says, “I saved your life. Why did you bite me?” To which the snake responds, “Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.”
Now perhaps the judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, social worker and even the butch cop who showed up at my house, all being women, had it out for me, deep down, secretly, wanting no one to know, but just to nail me hard. That would be an unnatural pack-like behavior for snakes to temporarily adopt, but scientists will tell you that’s not unheard of in Nature. Or maybe they just understood the ways of a snake.
Yes……out of all the snakes in the world, the king cobra is the most interesting, the trouser snake is the most troublesome, and the snake in the grass is the most dangerous.
North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.
“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”
A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.
This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.
With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.
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