I'd like to sext you up

Roanoke, Va. – Sexting. We’ve all done it, or at least most of us have; and then we disseminate it throughout the internet so that geeks like you can share the glory, by passing it along to other geeks. Sexting is thought by scholars to be the first instance in human history where two people flirting around benefits the rest of mankind by spraying sets of nude pictures across the information superhighway.

“It ain’t all glory holes and slick-bottoms, though,” said Phillip Bernstein, Richmond-area sexter. Sexting has recently come under fire from the mainstream media who exploits it to gain ratings by selling to perverted America the very idea that there really are 13-year-old girls getting naked on camera somewhere, for someone. “How despicable,” the news anchors tell you. “How intriguing,” you actually think. Because you are a pedophile and you’ve gotten to this site by googling jailbate – a key term sure to be found in the tags section at the bottom of this article. The FBI are on their way.

Miley Cyrus advertises using sexting

Miley Cyrus advertises using sexting

But sexting, as everyone knows, is rooted in the regular text messaging feature put in place on all cell phones everywhere by loving cell phone “care”iers like Verizon and Sprint. And while having your girlfriend text you pictures is wonderful for everyone, sexting isn’t the only thing that makes paying $15 per month the biggest mistake a parent can make when raising his/her child – the whole text messaging lifestyle turns waterhead kids into flatline pets that trail behind you as if by some invisible leash.

Rare fact: it is the parents’ choice to pay for the text service. However oftentimes they will unknowingly buy text messaging with their plan; others think, “Heavens to The Grand Tits of Betsy! What happens if I get into a car accident, the vehicle flips over, and the steering wheel pinches my throat off so I can’t use my voice? Ah-HA! I will text Lassie!” Whatever failure of logic bleeds through their brains, all of these parents fail to make the sister choice to buying this service – “slapping that little bitch in the face when she turns into a whore.”

vidcap_sexting0515

What I’m about to tell you is the story of the North American

suburb-crawling skank.

There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – without question – and without having to look: a cell phone.

They are oblivious to what is happening around them. “Honey, can you help me find 17 cents?” — “…huh?” I said, “We all want to take your melon head and smash it into a wall.”

Wow! Given all the threats, I’d have to assume texting is useful, right?” Wrong. What usually takes 5 minutes via detailed, half-focused phone conversation can take all day using text messaging. But who cares? They are either texting guys or talking to other girls about guys. Regardless, everything these little bimbos are communicating is stupid and pointless. This is because nothing of value has ever been transmitted via text message.

“You’re pregnant.” Oh! Let me just text my husband.

“You have cancer and you have six months left to live.” Shit…I’d better shoot out a text so the family knows.

The ideal conversation I’d like to hear:

“Jenny, can you please stop talking with whoever about your rotten little pussy for long enough to pick out what you want to eat?” – “…what Mom? Oh…I see what you mean…”

Miley Cyrus Sexts The World

Miley Cyrus Sexts The World on Google Images

One will never hear that talk, because parenting notoriously never takes place under the umbrella of reason. Consistently, stupid parents raise stupid girls with unnatural under-bites. Big knees. Ratty-looking hair that has been treated with so many chemicals, not even lice can grow in it. Although at one time, some probably did.

These girls, having built a fantasy world around themselves in which their opinions matter to others, have exceedingly naive perceptions of the real world – albeit most of them have an expert handle on conception itself. “This is as easy as laying on your back,” said sophomore Kimberly Thomas. This enveloping bubble-wrap of kaleidoscopic anti-reality breeds in developing young women a viral and slowly-evolving case of “Soccer Mom Syndrome” (SMS) whose symptoms include:

  • Loud voices
  • sweeping sense of entitlement
  • unrealistic expectations
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Miley Cyrus
  • blind ignorance
  • unwarranted self-importance
  • stifling religious zealousness
  • Miley Cyrus
  • obesity
  • chronic attitude dysfunction
  • highly-visible mental retardation
  • must be unlocked at tier 3

Fortunately for the rest of us, texting, and sexting moreover, makes retarded women sheeplike in your ability to herd their enfeebled minds around like dumb beasts using simple mental constructs and preconditions that play off laziness and convenience. Your stupid daughter is going to be so easily fuckable throughout her 20s. She’ll be so embarrassingly easily to nail that they’ll be cutting in on Chinese whores, and those whores will come cut her tits off for open-sourcing on their action.

That’s wonderful. But there is a downside to all this. Witness, if you have a moment, the following four-minute sequence of events in which a girl gets exactly what she deserves while texting in a car, but tragically imposes helpless strangers to suffer infinitely the hand of her stupidity, as some women are known to do three or four times in one day, often while texting:

Notice the girl’s first instinct following the crash was not to use the phone she just killed innocents with to call for help. She didn’t even try to text Lassie. Oh and hey – did you see that she was about to text me and tell me her friend wants me?

This is not a PSA – it is accidental, happenstance documentary footage of a young girl’s stupidity in real time. Critics of the viewpoint that the girl is stupid and killed people by texting fail to address that the conversation was working its way into sexting. She was texting a guy. Named James. “I think it was very brave of her,” said Crazy Pat, a full-time Verizon technician who was glued to the situation as it unfolded before him on his computer monitor. “So why’d they stop?” he later asked.

Fortunately for you, there are two solutions:

1) Abort daughters

2) Should choice 1 fail, begin slapping them as babies and do not stop until the redness of their skin somehow sends the message that texting is stupid, annoying, lame and pathetic. Should work.

More on this as we establish a live one-way video uplink with AIM user jo_baby_369.

Growing pains?

Suicide is becoming a widely accepted solution to the problems facing America. If you or someone you know is threatening suicide, do your part as a friend. Encourage him/her to do the right thing. And pull the trigger, wussy.

THIS MESSAGE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

No comments yet to I'd like to sext you up

  • [...] at a 2007 concert in Trinidad and Tobago during which he simulated a sexual act onstage with a 15-year-old girl. When Akon realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” and left the girl [...]

  • Random Bob

    Anyone else just come here to masturbate to the Miley Cyrus pics? >:)

  • SCR

    And, just for reference, this video is all over the ‘net, and is NOT a real accident (which should seem obvious to an even minimally-educated mind). It is a trailer for a short PSA drama created in the UK. Details:

    ——————————————————-

    “Tredegar Comprehensive School and Gwent Police (Gwent is located in south-east Wales, UK), present a half hour drama entitled ‘COW’ — The film that will stop you from texting and driving,” with SPECIAL EFFECTS BY ZIPLINE CREATIVE http://www.ziplinecreative.co.uk (this is a trailer video)

    COW: Its all about Cassie COWan a nice girl from a Gwent valleys family who kills four people on the road because she used her mobile and lost her concentration for a few seconds. Gwent police is proud to have helped Brynmawr filmmaker Peter Watkins-Hughes in the production, which stars local drama students Jenny Davies as Cassie, and Amy Ingram and Laura Quantick as her friends, Emm and Jules.

    It is hoped this film will become part of the core schools programme across Wales and the UK and ultimately worldwide.

    Gwent Police facilitated the films crash scenes because we want to stop ALL drivers, but particularly young and new ones, from causing accidents.

    ‚Ä®Over 300 teenagers from all over Wales were auditioned to take part in the film, nine police vehicles were involved and both the police and air ambulance helicopters featured.”

    ——————————————————–

    AND YES – I KNOW TEXTING AND SEXTING ARE TWO SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT THINGS. But they’re both practiced in relentless excess by MORONS.

  • SCR

    Texting is the quintessential example of the dumbing of the masses. You know ‘em. We all do. Those sleazeball, lowest-common-denominator, hoi polloi reprobates. Effing LOVELY, aren’t they?. Let’s talk about DE-evolution here – we’re all witnessing it in action, in all its hideously unbridled glory. It’s easy to spot. You know – that half-baked, empty-headed, deer-in-the-headlights look you get when you ask one of these empty-headed slags a simple question. “Huh?” is all you get. It seems it’s damned near impossible to have a simple conversation with half the population any more. They can’t even form a sentence. And we thought drug addiction was a scourge on society… Hell, this is worse. Definitely seems to do widespread brain damage faster. (No pun intended, nor reference made, to the “PSA” video posted above) People, particularly *most* females, have become effing WORTHLESS. No wonder America’s founding fathers didn’t allow them to vote. Sorry, but unchecked emotions entirely fuck up the decision-making process. It’s that simple. And look where it’s gotten us. Don’t worry – I’m not letting the males off the hook either – 95% of them have the spine of your average mollusk. Civilzation is DEAD.

  • btw this 8yo girl in south america was raped by her stepfather and she got pregnant (yes 8yo). so her mother took her to have an abortion (because child birth would kill her..she is 8yo btw). so pope john paul 2 excommunicated the little girl, the mother, and the doctor, but not the stepfather.

  • a text message with value, circa 420 ’10:
    “bro, i found train wreck”
    “omw”
    sexting should be legal simply to make texting more interesting. if only parents would talk to their kids about sex and all of the joys that extend from sex, rather than putting their faith in the public school system (or private school system for that matter).

  • My 15 year old girl got kid napped and killed from a anonamousy boy

  • anonymosam

    bor die is echt geil I fuck u miley

  • anonymosam

    is very exeting is not real or ? tis is so gut / ich hol mirn runter bei dem anblick!

  • wasmileysfan

    omg i was a big miley fan and now i am not :c

  • it’s not as bad as youtube yet but it’s damn close

  • lol! Where do these people come from? Somehow we’ve managed to attract the world’s most opinionated illiterate people.

  • ????

    its not texting u idiots!!! its SEXTING big differenece moron!!! hahahahahahahahahah i hate stupid ppl!!! and no one totally right taylor swift babyy wwwoooooohhhhhooooooo!!! miley??? um no

  • no one

    wwwooooowwww!!! nicee miley just 1 more reason y i hate u hahahahahahahahahahahah!!!! and leave her allone let her make her own mistakes in life let her be a team mom it dont matter this is y we have selena gomez and tallyor swift best role models ever!!! hahahahah and y r these on the internet??? i guesss she put them on hurr hahahahah wat a slut!!!!!

  • thank god for these comments

  • ur full of shit

    bitch shut the fuck up u dont shit bout textin so shut ur damn mouth whore leave miley alone and guys sext to so u realy dont know shit all the more reason to tell u to SHUT THE FUCK UP WHORE BAG

  • Hello angry masturbating people! We here at The Elf Wax Times sure are glad you could take your two fingers off your shriveled up little wieners for long enough to type a comment on here. Miley Cyrus is all up in yer cache, now.

  • MILEY CYRUS

    OMG U GUYS ARE RUDICULUS I AM A TEEN AND HALF WAY SKANK I LIKE SEXTING ITS MY LIFE SO HACKERS STOP HACKING AND I WILL KEEP DOING WHAT I WANT WEN I WANT SO GET OVER TABLOADS !!!! HAHAHA

  • Dannyelle

    You guys are fuckkn stupid. Why the fuck are yu posting Miley’s shit online. Damn i wish i could get a picture of yur tiny ass dick nd post it nd see how yur ass likes it dumbass muthrfuckr. I bet yur mother is sextng 24-7 thats why yur so traumatrized. dumbass

  • manonamission

    Dude, fuck u and ur pathetic writings. Ur a fuckin moron. Txting 1) is not a problem for us to solve, its a way to comunicate w/ a mass audience 2) any good txtr can tell u that HE/she can txt while doing practicly anything else. ur pathetic attempt to frighten people out of a wonderful comunications resource is fuckin laaaaammmme.
    Eat.Shit.Die Motherfucker.

  • I for one welcome our new text-bot overlords.

  • Anonymous

    There’s nothing wrong with texting, it’s when and where you do it that matters.

  • i knew sooner or later a little sexting whore would get her panties in a wad at this. we’re a sexist tabloid, that’s why.

  • this is stupid

    Not all teens txt. If their parents were smart they would not have txting abled on their childrens phones….or not give a child a phone at all. Why is this directed at girls when guys do the same thing???

  • junb

    “whats your friends name?….”julie”….”well,say good bye to julie” LOL

    your are kinda right but also retarted so… yeah

    LOL pwned

  • Why are you slapping me? I am just a baby, I do not even know what texting is.

  • Jack

    The real Miley Cyrus wouldn’t use the words “exploit” or “propel”. She can’t spell them. :-P

  • Anonymous

    was that real that is so scary aaaaaaaaaaaaah i am going to have nightmares! did she kill the baby?!!

  • I’m so glad you were able to exploit my photo and propel your website to great success.

  • We were going to bring two ambulances, but then we learned halfway out that some stupid bitch on a cellphone caused the accident, so we sent one back.

  • billywalshe

    BRING AN AMBULANCE! BRING AN AMBULANCE!

  • [...] “Well, my mom and I were looking at it and it’s starting to creep me out.” [...]

  • concerned parent

    I just bought my 15-year-old little girl a cell phone. Now she is texting 23 year old men.

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