Internet addiction 'doubles teen self harm'

First off, lol.

The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.

Internet addiction ‘doubles teen self-harm’

These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.
These girls are probably just efficiently sexting.

By This N0t-So-Anonymous Douchebag.

Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.

Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.

The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.

One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.

Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.

For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.

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Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.

The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.

Help, I've swallowed a fishhook!

BROADCAST! HEADING 1! ELF WAX UPDATE [EDITOR’S EDITION]

Craig ‘Lazie’ Lynch has escaped from a minimum security prison in England. It was one of those places where you can just leave anytime, and so he did. He is reportedly eating giant hunks of steak and chilling with bitches at parties. Support ‘Crazie’ Craig by donating to his Facebook site or something. I don’t know, he’s on the run so you gotta facebook him.

Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax:

I was eating some candy my friend gave me and inside of a gummy Swedish fish some fucker unlovingly-inserted a LIVE FISHHOOK!

OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP
OH MY GOD PLEASE HELP

The mind-blowing pain coming from my insides suggests I may be bleeding internally, and I’m afraid that I am dying, but you know it’s kinda whatever because I have videogames. But seriously, please, if anyone is reading this, call for help. Dial your local 911 and tell them it’s an emergency: Calvin from Nashville has done something painfully stupid and needs help immediately. They’ll know who you’re talking about because this happens a lot.

My friend said he got the gummy fish from a trustworthy source but to be honest I’m starting to wonder!

UPDATE: I can hear sirens now! Thank God! My ability to speak has been compromised by severed vocal chords, but I will mention your gracious deed to the authorities, dear Elf Waxers.

=+=+=+=+=

UPDATE: The sirens passed, they were not coming for me. I AM STILL WAITING, PLEASE SEND HELP I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD ON, BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO CHOKE ON BLOOD AND MY HUNGRY CAT CIRCLES ME WAITING FOR ME TO DIE SO HE CAN EAT ME I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A FUCKING DOG.

STAY INDOORS! DEADLY GEMINID METEOR SHOWER TONIGHT

Meteor showers are violent death-displays of space’s dominance over mankind, and December’s Geminid meteor shower is only different from November’s leonid meteor shower in that it will be “twice as deadly,” says chief Elf Wax Astronomer Hem Cumming, who is also notably ‘Miley Cyrus’ biggest fan.’

One should look away from the skies between the hours of 12:00 am EST and dawn, and avoid going outside for any reason during these hours until the police tell you it’s safe to come back out of your homes, as there is no safe place in a meteor shower, nor would there be any hope for survival after being struck by one.

Elf Wax Scientist Langstrom T. Hugg said the scientific explanation for the Geminids states Gemini, the God of Slayer, master of demise, is reigning pure, crystalline hatred on the Earth for betraying him over Jesus, and this is what brave Astronomers see streaking across the night sky, should they dare to look.

Green shit fills the sky
Green shit fills the sky

“We’re basically populating the foretold Hell on Earth,” said Dr. Hugg. “The Bible prophecies many things, including the housing crisis, and the Black Dawn of the Anti-Christ, Barack Obama. The mind-blowing pain of the Geminid meteor shower reminds us never to foresake Gemini again, and that we should fear Jesus more than we love him.”

The phony scientific community that claims Dr. Hugg’s research is “invalid” because it is “not based on fact” should be disregarded, said Dr. Hugg, “because they have already proven to The Elf Wax Times, and thus to America, that they are not worthy of God’s Glory when they gave credence to the hedonistic pleasures of the dinosaur bones, put here to test our faith in the glorious Lord who neither The Elf Wax Times, nor I, dare not forsake.”

As lead astronomer for The Elf Wax Times Dr. Hugg is the only source used, his word is accepted as unerring fact. So it is with great responsibility and duty to our loyal readers that you stay indoors, America, and let those Phillipino know-nothings die like dogs in their rice patties under the fiery wrath of Gemini so we may take their land in God’s name, amen.

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald's "food product"

Today, 11 people died when a local McDonald’s announced a new item on their Dollar menu. The sandwich promised to contain so much grease and sugar, you were guaranteed a doctor’s visit redeemable with an official voucher printed and attached to every receipt.

While people continue to kill themselves from the inside out by eating McDonald’s hamgurgers, on Friday, brutal tramplings killed three children and an elderly couple, among six other victims whose remains have been sent to RPD for identification.

Officer Hindenson told reporters this afternoon, “The police are ready to hand out a killer slap on the wrist,” to those involved in Friday’s stomping-related deaths.

“We just want to see justice brought to the guilty few who halted the restaurant’s flow of business on the busiest second shift of the week,” said Officer Hendenson. “We deeply regret that these reckless, dying persons saw it fit to lay in the doorway and die while hundreds of hungry patrons impatiently waited outside.”

“All they wanted to do was give McDonald’s money.”
State-appointed attorney for McDonald’s victims

Hendenson indicated that since the perpetrators in the slayings are now dead, claims may have to be filed against their families.

McDonald’s lawyers were not immediately available for comment, but experts say the company stands to gain roughly $6.7 billion paid in reparations by the survivors.

The coke-addled state-appointed attorney defending the dead victims of what the media is calling the “Fries Eleven” tragedy released a troubling statement to reporters earlier this afternoon. It reads:

Now take one minute, if you will, a moment of silence; a moment of prayer; for the friends and family members of the employees and manager on duty. Let’s pray that they get their shit together, and are not too freaked out by all those customers dying.FRIES-ELEVEN

We need them to pull it together for the big win on Saturday, when returning patrons, newly-addicted to the McGrease, return in droves among fresh customers to create what is expected to be the most powerful surge of fast food patronage the United States has seen since the toxic release of the formidable Happy Meal in the early 1980s.

“When the Happy Meal came out, there were slayings. Savage, shameful mutilations of human beings the likes of which the Manson Family could never have dreamed of,” said Officer Hendinson, gleefully.

“We’re hoping we won’t have to release the hounds, but we have entire squads of men stationed in and around every McDonald’s between here and Henrico County. They are armed with mace, riot batons, rape-sticks, and caustic battery acid rounds. They’re non-lethal, of course. We have everything under control.”

To find follow-ups to this rapidly-developing story, check our Twitter account and shit like that.