This weekend, Blacksburg, VA played host to a music festival of a different kind. Hosted at several bars and art galleries around town, local and regional musicians of all stripes and abilities played with varying degrees of fever. I ended up managing part of a show, running the sound for a few bands, playing an open-mic, and photographing every single set I was a witness to. Problems aside, I had a good time.
I arrived in Blacksburg and parked within a hundred feet of the NLCF building, check in for the Fever to Sing festival. I spent over a half hour wandering around the block looking for any sign of a festival, stumped. I looked up the address and found my way on in. Several artists and musicians I interviewed had the same trouble. There was no signs, no groups of people coming or going, but the gears were churning inside.
The organizers were putting things together using some kind of online system, stressing and fretting over laptops wherever they went. The sound guys were often late, or unreachable, or went missing, but for the most part the bands were well on time and ready to go when needed. I changed the schedule, manually, with a pen on at least 50 fliers because certain shows were very much more than an hour late to begin. I suppose I was a volunteer too, as well as impromptu press, musician, and management.
There was a some awful trash that I wish I’d never seen. On the other hand, I saw great acts, such as the Bastards of Fate, the Andalusians, and Don’t Call Us Sweethearts.
The Bastards of Fate defy all explanation. Doug Cheatwood is a performance genius beyond compare. His songs are imaginatively written and musically unique, defying rules I didn’t even knew existed. Standing on an amp, holding up a guitar, blinded by shaving cream, construction light draped over his shoulder, and mic in hand, Doug Cheatwood is no gimmick hungry rocker. He is what punk rock was never smart enough to be, crazier and more ambitious, full of antics that wake sleepy fear-ridden audiences into a frenzy of dance and jubilation. Did I mention that the music’s catchy, well-written, and like nothing you’ve heard?
The Andalusians were a punkish woman-fronted band from DC, with loads of energy to back up their fun music. Such well written music played by obvious professionals was a welcome treat, and I especially appreciated how grounded and personal their presence was. These were proud, powerful women who were absolutely comfortable on stage and off. Sadly, that’s not something I see often. They were reminiscent of the best bits of The Clash.
I didn’t run the sound for Don’t Call Us Sweethearts, although I was supposed to. One faux member of the group who played a little percussion felt the need to do the sound, although I had to inform him on how to use the mixer. Thankfully with my help he was able to do a passable job, and truly could have done little to diminish the silky-smooth vocals and soft melodies of Don’t Call us Sweethearts. The performance was emotionally charged and musically superb. Though I tend to think their particular kind of songwriting is generally boring, there was no lack of excitement during their performance. Don’t Call Us Sweethearts had a friendly, warm presence that everyone picked up on.
The good was good, but the bad got very bad. I don’t mind bad music, or late shows. There’s just a small list of things I expect musicians to NOT do, which almost always ruin the appeal of the performance. Fever to sing had a few good examples.
Show outright disdain for the audience while making assumptions about their beliefs
Explain what every single song is about in detail
Apologize for how bad the music is
Musicians who do these things defy all logic, and must be proud of how amateur they are. Since we’re mean bastards here at Elf Wax, and want to harm those who we dislike, here’s a list of bands and musicians you should never, ever see.
I was there to help you run sound, and you refused my help probably just because I am a man. I hope you enjoyed spending 5 minutes going back and forth between the mixer and the microphone to satisfy your own misguided foolish pride. You’re not a bad musician, but probably a bad person. I have nothing against Lesbians, in fact I rarely have sex with women who aren’t Lesbians. I was enraged by your song about how everyone in Virginia but the Lesbians are hateful fucks. Now Elfwax.com hates you, and it’s not just your imagination this time. You can tell everyone we hate you just because you’re a Lesbian if that makes you feel better.
Oshawa, Canada–Recently a cryptic note circulated around the internet, warning that at any moment, the world could be put into checkmate, that it’s all about to come down, and that yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus.
Typed in courier font forming four near-cubic paragraphs, the note’s message was obscured by its own syntax – until now.
In an exclusive interview with Jes White, the pseudonym used by the note’s semi-schizophrenic author, The Elf Wax Times sheds some light on the true message behind his communication to twenty five random subway passengers on March 26. Surprisingly, the note was not a hoax and the story behind it only gets more interesting.
“Jes White” offers unique insights into his dynamic reality – starting with how the Chinese know everything, but only in response to the Germans who appear to know nothing; both are friendly. The afterlife, or perhaps our whole existence, is controlled by a force he calls robotics, which is one of two reasons he seeks the benefits of the anti-aging compound mentioned in the interview and referenced elusively in his note (reading “a longterm village is needed”); the other reason being he wants to spend more time with his friends, who he loves. And finally, we are the defining essence of the robot, so it is how we choose to manipulate robotics whether or not the flow of existence works in our favor or against us.
The note reads:
i've activated the following chinese address
biyao chang jiu cunzi dianzi fangzhi genqian
a long term village is necessary, to prevent
electronics from being in front of something
he is in toronto, working for who we believe
to be us. can't you see it's a turtle? which
means you have twenty four more hours, maybe
from twenty years ago. ya do a false move ya
i'd put this whole planet in checkmate quick
it's going down cause it's busted, yea she's
banging this fool like she wants te. yep's in
it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus
The interview follows.
EWT: What does the note mean? Who is the turtle?
JW: “I figured that’s about, uh – don’t steal my chocolate! Hello? OK, uhm, yeah, uh the turtle, nobody’s really a turtle.”
EWT: There’s a rumor going around that you are schizophrenic.
JW: I am schizophrenic, I hear voices. I used to hear voices and, uh, it just means that, uh, for scientific reasons I’ve been in the – like, it’s not so clear. calling someone schizophrenic is usually a straightforward type of thing to do, but in my case where it is scientific, you have to consider it to be a chemical. Let’s say if you have a periodic table of elements, if you have a table of periodic elements, and each one is a chemical that reacts in certain ways, you can have various chemicals that have certain properties and if I’ve been classified as schizophrenic, it doesn’t mean I am perfectly schizophrenic.
EWT: So, you are like many mild schizophrenics who are not totally disabled by it?
JW: I’m easy to get along with, it’s just that I hypothesize a lot. I’m always attracted to business. I’m attracted to business because I think about – uh, I use my imagination, I have a lot of desires and it gets twisted and my emotions – how I feel – it ends up getting twisted because I’m unhappy about my situation. I feel like there’s a lack of accomplishments to my profile. It’s not like I haven’t done stuff that’s good, but I can honestly be somewhere else and I’m trying to make it happen. And that’s where I come from. I’d like to be in a different situation than I am. There are so many things that are unrealistic that I am dissatisfied about.
EWT: So you would like to make your visions a reality?
JW: I want to make a difference in reality, what’s happening and what’s not happening. It ends up showing up in my work how I’m dissatisfied with reality.
EWT: About the note…
JW: It’s a composition that was controlled.
EWT: So is there a purpose to it beyond you messing with people?
EWT: What is the purpose?
JW: I want to have a better lifespan with my friends.
Editor’s note: In an preliminary phone interview with the author, he discussed a chemical allegedly discovered in Korea that can extend the lifespan of a human up to 25% – or 25,000 years.
EWT: Is there a chemical that does this?
JW: Yeah, I seen one from Korea. CGK733 increases your lifespan by twenty five percent but the guy that discovered it, he got suspended from his job because the Koreans are making a deal out of – they think it’s inappropriate. They said the findings were false. But clearly if you go on Wikipedia you’ll see what it says.
EWT: But Wikipedia can be edited by anyone, it can’t be cited as a source.
JW: Yeah, but I saw that it happened in medical journals.
Editor’s note: At this point in the interview, phone service dropped out unexpectedly, because we were calling Canada and ran out of money. The rest of the interview was conducted via instant messenger.
EWT: This chemical was in medical journals?
JW: yes it was
EWT: Yeah, I just looked it up and apparently they fabricated the whole thing. No such compound really exists that would help our aging in such a way.
JW: oh i see
but you know it’s awkward because they are calling it false but there was clear descriptions of the chemical
it could not be false
EWT: it’s very strange indeed
JW: he got suspended for misrepresentation. but the story has to be complicated. it’s not pure fake; definitely not. anyways you know it’s called senescence. the study of the lifespan of cells
EWT: according to the investigation, the compound was misrepresented as being more powerful than it really is – that it takes the effect on senescence, but not to the degree they said it does. Is this right?
JW: maybe that’s right
exactly i do agree with you there that the reason is what they said about the power of it. they made it look better than it was, but you see they have the computer technology and they’re doing almost nothing. if you can study in that direction i would suppose the potential is strong; like the chemical is just a small example of nothing where i’m sure you could do a whole bunch
EWT: I wonder if those Koreans weren’t just trying to turn a quick buck. But the 25% lifespan thing – that’s a huge claim.
JW: yes it is
EWT: do you live with your parents?
JW: right now i do, why do you ask?
EWT: I read some Digg comments where the people allegedly talked to your folks
JW: ya you know i should written my cell phone but i lost the charger. i didn’t realize it would be on the internet
EWT: honestly I first assumed you uploaded this picture yourself
JW: gave it [the note] to five people on the subway inside
you know something happened
EWT: what happened?
JW: um, like it got somewhere and you know it’s interesting how it took place like that.
EWT: and now look, 1200+ people are all digging it
JW: oh thats good. interesting.
EWT: which is why I wanted to decipher the “code” or what your message was intended to say
JW: ya essentially what it is is, kind of like well i used my dictionary and my power spots and i came up with something using alphanumeric calculations
Editor’s note: the exact calculations were not discussed, but we trust the math is true.
JW: the inside of how i put the device together like what was written in chinese, is devised of how i’ve been looking for heat spots forever trying to find the hottest numbers.
EWT: what does this achieve?
JW: well i have some exhibits such as things that i’ve done that are circuits like mechanisms
i was smoking a cigar one time and i wrote a poem and it exploded everywhere just because of the screws involved, so i used the number
Editor’s note: at this point in the conversation he discusses the number 151 at great length. It has been omitted for relevance.
EWT: Did the news do a story on you already? Someone on Digg said they had.
JW: not in Toronto, it was local news, pennsylvania
EWT: about the note: I feel like I am beginning to understand it even though it supposedly ‘makes no sense.’ What’s going down “cause it’s busted”? And the coolest part – the ending – “yep’s in it with twenty one dollars on the heavy walrus” …is the heavy walrus a person?
Editor’s note: it was requested that we leave his response to this question out. There is an explanation for the final paragraph and it’s a very good one. It can be noted, however, that “the walrus” is from Alice in Wonderland with the carpenter and yep is a graffiti artist from Ottowa.
EWT: “i’d put this whole planet in checkmate quick”?
JW: that’s about robotics type stuff: gold indexes, inter-global banks and planetary operations. Some people end up getting ripped off like the type of style where your after life is dirty and doesn’t look very good.
i mean, i would make that more subject to take place in hell
robotics and hell. best word i know is hell – I don’t like it, but what i’m trying to say is the afterlife. it can be bad, and robotics control it.
EWT: and so electronics, as you write, would be standing in the way of Heaven, which as you define it, would be us achieving peace, or the goal you seek which is near-eternal life, so we can love our friends forever?
JW: yeah, yeah, yeah. thats how i feel just as well as you.
EWT: well, your note made me feel that way.
EWT: What role do the Chinese play in your life?
JW: Well they used to say different kinds of things, like you know voices that you can hear that sort of sound a bit like the kind inside your head. it’s very friendly. they know a lot about your method. they know about you.
EWT: What do they know?
JW: everything. the robot is so healthy, he could do anything he wants to with the information about anyone, such as you, especially if it’s important. the robotic process is completely perfect, such that it has maps of everything. time, space. its so well-built, you could talk about its design for years
EWT: so the robot is not here to help us?
JW: the robot is almost pure, it is capable of so much. it just doesn’t work for us very much
EWT: so you feel that it just isn’t doing enough?
JW: strategies of people like you and me, make what’s happening good, and prevent it from being garbage
EWT: I agree, we are using technology for good right this minute, in spite of all the garbage it could be. Or robots to use your expression.
Editor’s note: In retrospect, I originally misinterpreted JW’s intended use of the term ‘robots’ and erroneously compared it to technology itself. JW was a good sport, however, and seems to have just gone along with it. JW and I then had some very personal conversation between this point and the final bit which follows, in which JW reveals that he may be the robot, or perhaps more metaphorically, we are all the robot, and thus the ruler of everything individually.
JW: it’s so super how i work. like when i sleep, i send people places. and it works with a great level of essence. yes, [the note] is art. i am an artist, but in my science sphere i am working with much finesse. i know about this, so yes, it is big.
BILLY MAYS HERE, FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! Have you ever argued with someone online only to find you’ve already hit the CAPS LOCK key? Where the fuck do you go from there?
LebalSoft has the answer!
CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™ GIVES YOUR ASS EXTRA CAPS! HOLY SHIT.
BRACE FOR CAPS LOCKDOWN!!
CAPS LOCK ULTRA is an additional key that attaches to the inferior key by the same name, turning all capital text BLOOD RED.
NEW! LIMITED TIME ONLY! Order now, chump, and we’ll throw in an actual CAPS “LOCK” which handily cements the TOTAL PERMANENCE of your UNDYING RAGE!
CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™ gives you more time to do the things you love, somehow, like bookmarking informative Lebal Drocer pop-ups that you find interesting and appealing!
“The other day while arguing over Facebook, I got so pumped with rage blood vessels in my eyes burst and I cried projectile blood. Now thanks to CAPS LOCK ULTRA™, the only time I grit my teeth is during deep sleep!”
-Actual testimonial, not made up at all
YOU LYING SACK OF BROTHER-FUCKING MONKEY SHIT! GOD DAMN IT WHORE I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS THIS EMOTION!
[Consumer deploys CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™]
YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK, DISGUSTING FUCK. I TOLD YOU HE HAD H.I.V. BUT YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME. AND NOW WE’VE ALL GOT IT!!!!!
Hanford, Ca.–Recently, The Elf Wax Times took it upon themselves to write an open letter to Danny Gilmore, who was quoted by the Los Angeles Times saying what we’ve all heard a thousand times before – “LEGALIZE POT! WHAT’S NEXT, HEROIN!?” He said this to reporters in response to the recent marijuana legalization bill approved by an important Assembly committee and scheduled to hit the Legislature by next year. Because you people are lazy and willing to roll over for any politician who wears a flag pendant and a shit-eating grin on his face, we took it upon ourselves to write him a letter – well not even a letter, but a short note – calling him out on his bullshit.
The L.A. Times reads:
The anticipated revenue would not be worth the grief the bill would cause, said Assemblyman Danny Gilmore (R-Hanford), a former assistant chief with the California Highway Patrol.
“We’re going to legalize marijuana, we’re going to tax it and then we’re going to educate our kids about the harm of drugs. You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gilmore said. “What’s next? Are we going to legalize methamphetamines, cocaine?”
Needless to say, we aren’t dumbfounded to find that even in the year 2010 this argument is still being championed by a former Highway Patrolman. But it should be noted that Danny Gilmore, and anybody else willing to hide behind this “argument,” is stunningly full of shit. So we felt he needed to hear from the voice of reason for once. We carefully wrote him a letter, even though he’s not our representative. Oops, it failed the first time. We had to change the zip code because there is no publicly listed email address for his office. The only people who can contact him digitally are his “constituents,” or as you might better know them, the people he lies to in order to gain votes. So we Googled the zip code for Hanford, just South of Fresno, California, entered it in, and the letter got to him. What a security measure!
It should be noted that we are a satire site, and as such it is not our job to write this kind of material in a serious fashion. It is our actual belief that Democracy in America never existed and that our Republic is broken and corrupted beyond functionality. The purpose of this letter is not some contrived “Democracy in action” horseshit off a PBS special and we certainly don’t expect to maintain any kind of open dialog with a politician [anybody who believes such a thing exists needs to get real]. This is simply pure, condensed hatred and we don’t actually expect to change anything because we are more realistic than that.
Our letter reads:
When you said this, were you on cocaine? Why would you obscure logic and reason when your state is being hit the hardest by the economic recession when faced with an opportunity to boost revenue for your sucky little district and all others around you? Are you afraid the pharmaceutical companies will stop paying you to lie and scare the public into downvoting progress toward freedom of personal choice with regard to our own f*cking minds?
You are worse than the Mexican cartel who kills people over the marijuana you hope to keep criminalized – to ensure more death and anguish across your own evaporating state, where you know it’s being grown. Let’s see, “Grief,” you say? Let’s talk about grief, you scum. I grieve for your existence. I wish that more people paid attention to the stupid trash that pours out of your mouth so that we could vote you out of office and vote up progress.
Get bent, sir.
Needless to say, our letter was ignored, however we still felt it necessary to censor out the word “fucking” because anybody stupid enough to group marijuana together with meth and coke, or propagate such ignorance, is obviously a Christian, and we didn’t want to offend him.
But seriously. He needs to get fucked, who’s with us on that? To all those people who have been cutting Democrats’ propane tank lines and making death threats over health care [irony, anyone?]…kindly look to the West and see if a better target isn’t waiting for you – or how about the leaders who voted us into war? Nobody’s cutting their brake lines and threatening their family members, and they’re sending your loved ones off to die in the fucking desert at the hands of glassy-eyed killers in the name of the same fucking God who supposedly created us all.
Get a grip, America. Smoke a joint and see if that helps. Need some? I hear you can find dank weed in California, along with PCP and methamphetamines, which are basically all the same thing.
Imperial March music plays in the background. It is rumored that Hamas has infiltrated the protest group and plans to bring down Democracy from the inside out. This is why the Public Works Department is fining the ANSWER Coalition into the ground.
On the WTC, our reporter asked this man, who is a Ron Paul supporter and a 9/11 Truth Movement…advocate-guy, “Ron Paul said he doesn’t believe there were bombs in the World Trade Center.”
He responded, “[He has] to say that because he’s a politician.”
To which we asked, “Why are you going to vote for someone who’s just gonna lie to get elected?”
Roughly five or six thousand people attended the protest rally to march.
A few people were arrested or detained. Earlier in the day, a group of people belonging to Iraq Veterans Against War (IVAW) tried to put down a mud stencil on the sidewalk. The police got mad about it and cited a statute under D.C. law that you can’t put out a mud stencil. Protesters were no longer allowed near that area.
Wayne Brauer and Matthieux Chiraux were detained. Cindy Sheehan was arrested for who knows how many times in a row. She’s planning to camp somewhere, too.
Nader showed up but would not speak to reporters. At least not Elf Wax reporters.
Ramsey Clark, Saddam Hussein’s attorney was present but also would not speak to us.
Washington, D.C.–Tomorrow, Americans will march on the White House in protest of the ongoing war occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq. Demonstrators Thursday called Bush and Obama’s wars an “illegal war for empire.”
The ANSWER coalition (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) has been fined $7,500 for putting up signs in a move by the government that Brian Becker of the ANSWER Coalition said is “trying to limit or eviscerate or criminalize grassroots organizing itself.”
They were fined for handing out leaflets and putting up posters and signs, which the Department of Public Works has demanded the organization’s members remove.
Becker said that for eighteen months they have been targeted, accumulating between seventy and eighty thousand dollars in fines.
President of Veterans for Peace Mike Ferner said, “We will not be leaving Iraq and Afghanistan unless enough people in this country stand up.”
Organizers say the Afghanistan conflict is “Obama’s War,” just as Iraq was Bush’s war, and there is no difference between the two Presidents’ war policies.
Becker said a growing number of people oppose “the expanding war in Afghanistan, the continued occupation Afghanistan, [and] the continued occupation of Iraq.”
Cindy Sheehan, who garnered public attention in 2005 for camping outside President Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Tex. said, “Some people have abandoned the antiwar movement, have abandoned peace, since Obama’s been president. But we need to re-create a movement.”
Pondolfino of Military Families Speak Out said Thursday, “I’m the proud mother of an active-duty infantry soldier…We love and support our troops. And it is because we do that we will vocally show our opposition whenever our government sends them to ill-advised, immoral, unwinnable wars.”
Tyler Bass will report in to The Elf Wax Times via cell-phone, sending large photographs of the demonstration as it unfolds throughout the day, starting in LaFayette park across the street from the White House, and throughout the march on Washington in which tens of thousands of people are expected to participate.
Executive Editor, Senior Coordinator of Staff for Lebal Drocer Incorporated, and janitor James Galloway indefinitely crippled the popular search engine Google this morning.
“I typed Google into Google and then Google turned off,” the 23-year-old transvestite explained to reporters moments ago outside his home.
Galloway, whose hobbies include dividing by zero and asking “Why?” told the press he feels no remorse for Google’s “horrible foresight,” what he alleges “got them into this mess in the first place.”
“How could they not see this coming?” James asked The Elf Wax Times. “I mean, the Googlebot Googles Google. Shouldn’t Google?”
Following James’ keen sense of observation, for which he is well-known, The Elf Wax Times dug a little bit deeper. A little bit deeper. A little bit dirtier – into the shitstorm swirling out for thousands of miles in every direction from directly over top of the Googleplex.
Elf Wax Times’ top computer scientist, Jerry Chevrolet, was called in by Google for expert analysis of the controversial dilemma. Professor Chevrolet said Google is locked into an infinite loop. “It will not stop Googling itself now until someone can unplug it,” he warned. “But there are just so many damn wires back there, we don’t know which one is which.”
Fortunately, the eye of the “Googlestorm” as scientists have dubbed it, is as calm as a Buddhist whorehouse. Still, workers on site are hesitant to pull any plugs until they know what they are.
“We’re trying to avoid having to reset the timer on the VCR,” explained one on-scene technician in the most non-metaphorical way possible.
The Googlestorm has reportedly ruined what little bit of fun was left from Silly-Tie Tuesday for offices around the area and could bleed into Casual Friday, pending the outcome of the unexplainable swirling storm of computer shit in the sky overhead.
Elf Wax Human Rights Watchdogs report the incident has “changed nothing” for Africans, adding if more money were sent to the continent for those little green computers and wi-fi access, then they could join in the world’s frustration at the loss of Google.
Google CEO Johnny Cocaine said, “They’re a strong people. If anybody can take it, they can. I hear Africans, like most humans, can be forced into things. So we want to force them to love Google, that way they still feel the loss even though they never knew what it was.”
Google is calling this branch of AdSense AdPsyche, because it develops a psychological “proto-love” synthesized out of the hardcore manipulation of pure human emotion, playing on people’s fears they may have killed God and any remaining knowledge of Him.
Churches are filling at a record pace, many overflowing into the streets and parking lots as people turn to their primitive roots seeking answers because Ask.com still sucks.
“It used to be Google had all the answers. Now, we come here for answers. I get on my knees and pray to God, “how to google without google,” and I can’t hear the Lord’s search results, ’cause all these other sons of bitches are out-praying me, and that’s fucked up.”
Many citizens have begun petitioning the Lord with prayer for Prayer Neutrality, arguing no prayer should have priority over any other prayer, and prayer traffic should move in the order it is received, and never discriminated against based on where it comes from. Unfortunately, these people do not have enough money or political power to talk to the Lord so they are largely ignored.
You never know when your time is gonna come,” said Peter Sullivan, a 43-year-old carpet-cleaner, adding “I just hope and pray my time comes soon, because I am in Hell already.” He then brandished a gun, pointing it at reporters before turning it on himself and asked everyone to clear the home while he “does some cleansing.”
Some people go insane gradually, others snap all at once, killing thirty to forty people in extreme cases. Incidents of suicide are a terse forewarning of the ever-nearing apocalypse of information.
More as this develops for the first time ever without Google’s oversight.