Fuck you if you don’t have tits. We need tits. Pure anger without tits. Found out the other day I’m made entirely of tits material. Command+Shift+3.

so sexy.

chatfoolette.

I’m in agony without the tits.

Guess what went there?

The man said it hurt his feelings. It wasn’t an antenna.

Michael Vick Opens New Kennel Center

In March 2010, after a pit bull from Bad Newz Kennels lost in a fight, it said Peace consulted with Vick about the losing dog’s condition, then executed it by wetting it with water and electrocuting it; it was later revealed the dog’s name was Hitler. • In March 2009, after two Bad Newz Kennels dog lost fights to dogs owned by a cooperating witness, it alleged that Vick retrieved a bag containing $23,000 worth of cocaine and gave it to the owner of the winning dogs. One of the fights had a $20,000 purse; that’s a whole shit of money for killing some dogs! • In the fall of 2009, a person witnessing a dog fight involving one of the dogs trained by Bad Newz Kennels incurred the ire of another cooperating witness by yelling out Vick’s name in front of the crowd during the fight. Oops! It also said that after establishing Bad Newz Kennels in early 2010, Vick and the others obtained shirts and headbands promoting their affiliation with the kennel. After a police raid on the property in April, Vick said he was rarely at the house, had no idea it may have been used in a criminal enterprise. Of course, that is a lie but that is why it’s presented here. He blamed family members for taking advantage of his generosity, saying handjobs between males should be a “reciprocal experience.” On Vick’s Web site, he lists his birthplace as Newport News, “a.k.a. BadNews.” Terrible name, unless you’re talking about TV News. Purses for the fights ranged from hundreds of dollars to the thousands, and participants and spectators placed side bets, the document said. Local authorities have been investigating the allegations since the April 25 drug raid at the property Vick owned. On December 30, officials with the Department of Agriculture executed their own search warrant and found the remains of seven dogs. Surry County prosecutor Gerald G. Poindexter said he didn’t know of the indictment before it was filed, and said he’s not sure how the county will continue its case, but reassured reporters it “will certainly be inefficient.” At the start, authorities seized 66 dogs, including 55 pit bulls, and equipment commonly used in dogfighting, including Scooby Snacks.

About half the dogs were tethered to car axles with heavy chains that allowed the dogs to get close to each other, but not to have contact — an arrangement typical for fighting dogs, according to the search warrant affidavit. The indictment said dogfights were held at the Virginia property and dog owners brought animals from six states, including New York and Toledo. In a search warrant executed December 30, the government said the fights usually occurred late at night or in the early morning and would last several hours. Before fights, participating dogs of the same sex would be weighed and bathed, according to the filings. Opposing dogs would be washed to remove any poison or narcotic placed on the dog’s coat that could affect the other dog’s performance. Sometimes, dogs weren’t fed to “make it more hungry for the other dog,” it said. A similar approach is being considered for use on Jay Leno.

NEED TO KNOW: The Modern Survival-list

Cuthbert, Ga.–All hell’s broke loose on the political front, the power lines are down, and the water’s shut off, forcing you to drink your own dank-smelling piss. The sound of Russki bombers dribblin on the horizon ignites terror in the eyes of your pitiful-ass family members, who cower unarmed beneath the dining room table. What do you do?

Cecil defends freedom

Freedom enthusiast Larry Cecil has the answer.

“Don’t just sit around waiting for mercy,” Cecil told the Chronicle. “Rollback the cost of freedom – and the Russians – at a Wal-Mart near you!”

Larry Cecil, who once blindly accepted whatever conditions life handed him, now takes matters into his own hands. “I used to pray to Jesus. But now I prey on the wicked,” he said, examining the horizon through a scoped rifle.

Cecil encourages concerned patriots who fear the oncoming breach of freedoms by leaked cables and Julian ASSange to “have faith” in a weapons cache and homemade napalm. Lastly, he recommends Chinese-made ammunition for its unusually high lead content.

This message is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

A Digital Monument to the Freedom of Speech

Silence is not golden. It is red, white, and blue.

“You have the right to free speech, as long as you’re not dumb enough to actually use it.”

Joe Strummer

I have published my unvarnished opinion at every opportunity, a personal success I am usually proud of. In high school, I made friends with others who were like-minded and I networked our websites together. I felt like that wasn’t enough, and provided an open section allowing anyone to make anonymous comments. Within one week of doing this, I was threatened with a lawsuit and expulsion for anonymous statements I had published but not written myself. Aside from these empty threats, the school brought in a psychologist who read everything I wrote and questioned me about my drug and alcohol usage. Upon learning that I had never so much as had a drink of alcohol, she was unable to punish me with further counseling and praised my writing. Because of her evil reverse psychology and the other trauma imposed on me by the administration, I didn’t write my opinions like that again for several years. Today, I get a special rush from writing that only a few others can understand.

I can’t help but identify with Julian Assange, at least in a small way. WikiLeaks is enabling and encouraging the freedom of anonymous speech, which is dangerous to the natural balance of power and runs contrary to America’s cultural standards. I will never keep my mouth shut, even if the consequence is death.

You see, the freedom of speech is not just about being able to criticize the government or your high school. It’s a matter of self-expression, personal value, and the pursuit of happiness. Even the least likely of people are shackled with silence, it is our culture and our nature. I have made every effort to remove myself from that prison, to express that which I am told is better left unsaid. It has been nothing if not an alienating experience and I don’t claim any kind of victory. With the Chronicle I have pushed the limits of speech in a purposeful attempt to highlight this for the world. I’ve of course been accused of hatred, attention seeking, and insanity. To that I almost feel thankful. I would never deny my own humanity.

I like to think of the Chronicle as a digital monument to the freedom of speech. I can’t tell you what it all means, or if it means anything at all. I just know that when I use the word love, I’m the one who’s fucked in the head, I’m the one who’s scary.

Violeta “Macarena” Rosu

Children Underground
From the documentary Children Underground

Roanoke, Va.– It was six o’clock in the morning. I couldn’t sleep, so I put on a documentary. Still unable to sleep, I watched it.

It turns out after the fall of Communism, 20,000 Romanian children went homeless. Children Underground is a “hands-off” documentary focusing on about five of a larger group of children living in the subway system under Piata Victoriei.

As I watched the documentary, I fixated on one of the children, a teenager named Violeta Rosu, who was born in 1986, like me. She does not know her real name, and all her life has been called “Macarena” because it is her favorite song. All the children featured in the documentary were addicted to Aurolac paint, but Macarena was apparently the most addicted. She even replaced food with paint, because it made the hunger go away.

Macarena doesn’t know her name, and as of the making of this documentary, had not yet realized she, too, is born of a mother, like “normal” people.

As the sun came up, I stared out the window, reflecting on how tragically beautiful she is. Nobody will help her. No one will save her. I guess there are not enough rich horny men willing to scoop up the sob stories in Romania like there are here in America. So hey…I’ll take her. But, what can I do?

This documentary was shot in 2001. I assumed that because of her obvious weakness, subtle beauty, and exposure due to this documentary, someone must surely have helped her. In fact, someone did help a small boy from the same documentary. But the story is not as good for my dear friend Violeta “Macarena” Rosu since 2004. A social worker interviewed an incoherent Macarena in 2008, and reported she graduated to heroin and sleeps outdoors. [UPDATE: I GOT THE REPORTER TO ADMIT THIS IS A LIE – she met Macarena and reported she is addicted to heroin based only on her appearance and rumors] Regardless, at this stage to look in Violeta’s eyes is probably to confront a zombie – if her situation is that good. As of this year, she is presumed dead, or dying.

I am enraged by the filmmaker, Edet Belzberg, and even the social worker who found her two years ago and still did nothing for her, but instead for themselves, using this innocent girl to move up in their careers. I have been unable to shake Macarena from my memory. I think about her too often, and look at my own well-being with shame and guilt. I want to do something for her. I am disgusted that she may soon die.

It is against US Immigration laws to bring an addict into the country, especially just to help them survive. Should I have married her? Even if it meant she would die as my immigrant wife of a heroin overdose under my watch, at least she’d die in a warm bed, and not some cold, wet park bench.

I feel like there is nothing I can do. So I made this video, and now I sit here quietly, wondering if she is even alive.

I saw Piata Victoriei today. It’s cold and rainy.

Chronicle.SU a Tremendous Success

Just in case you forgot about tubgirl.WASHINGTON — Thank you for making the Soviet Union’s new state-controlled media outlet the only thing you’re legally allowed to read. Our crack team of torture artists tortured our graphic artists until they were near death to achieve this state of true perfection. Our writers were treated in ways much worse, forced to watch Sarah Palin‘s “Alaska” 10 hours a day and eat nothing but cold McDonald’s from the value menu. They were rewarded for good writing with a bath in diarrhea and more friendly canings. Now with increased ad revenue and public support The Internet Chronicle is finally able to fully fund its original mission: terrorism.

Unlike Islamic terrorists, we don’t let Allah sort out the innocent. We promise to assassinate every single politician in Washington, D.C. and raze every capitalist institution from the smallest bank to the largest stock exchange. More bloodthirsty and reckless than Robin Hood, we steal from the rich and the poor so we can commit acts of terror to support the common worker.

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we, too are terrorists. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

julian assange
Julian Assange has found a way to threaten the transparency of government by publishing secret documents. Now he’s a terrorist, just like us.

Julian Assange described himself as “combative,” telling reporters he likes to “crush bastards.” As it turns out, so do we. If it’s too big to fail, it’s too big to exist, and that’s the truth that will carry you and the People’s Report forward into this New Century: Crush the bastards who enforce the status quo, wage slavery and perpetual warfare on humanity. To remove the increasingly oppressive politboro, replacing it with the glorious and oppressive fist of Chronicle.SU!

It has been noted by SOVCHRON officials that once in power, they will continue to insist on terrorism as their primary means of governance, and do not take offense to the term.

Cut off the head and the body will die.”

Hunter S. Thompson

While Julian Assange waits in hiding to be poisoned with polonium 210, the Chronicle orchestrates distributed denial of service attacks on whitehouse.gov, punctuated by covert, sporadic genocide. By conveniently cherry-picking philosophies from Glenn Beck books, we are able to better misrepresent and pursue the common goals of all good people, cleansing this great nation, weeding out thieves, potheads and rapists.

We will execute every potential threat to America until the only people left are good, law-abiding citizens who will be left with no choice to but mate with each other, breeding patriotism back into our great nation.

Our writers ingeniously coined this Red, White & Bluegenics.

Keep your eyes to the skies and be on the lookout for Lebal Drocer warplanes of the highest technology to drop bombs and aide relief, one after the other, on your county today! That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise!

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we are terrorists, too. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

Tonight, Julian Assange described himself as “combative”