Well, I tried to declare the death of Rage Comics last week, but it seems they keep coming back to life in increasingly terrible forms. They’re killing the Reddit community, infecting all other subreddits with stupid emoticons and unfunny memes. People continue to tell their pitiful life stories, hoping that the trendy little stick figures with funny faces will bring an added value to the insipid narratives with the misnomer of ‘Rage Comics’. They are hardly comics, funny only for how terrible they have become.
Without a doubt, rage comics are worse than they were last week. If this trend continues, I project that by the end of the year all rage comics will cause readers to suffer crippling sympathetic embarrassment and cry from the shared butthurt. Also, cocks.
Chris Greenwood of the DailyFail published a story on Sunday describing Topiary, the voice of LulzSec, as an autistic and friendless child who was often bullied. Our phone-hackers have informed us Greenwood obtained this information illegally from phone hacking.
It is against international law and accepted human decency to obtain any information in this manner, much less publish it. Such actions have landed incarcerations for cyber-terrorists Julian Assange and Topiary.
Worse yet, the information Greenwood obtained from the phone records is not entirely accurate. For instance, in one conversation the grandfather was overheard stating that Jake was a lazy faggot, but no reference to autism was made concerning Jake Davis. Topiary might be small and nerdy, but he is not autistic.
Highly-skilled and genetically enhanced Chronicle.SU technician Kilgore Trout sensed the coming of this moment, and spent the past few days hacking the the cell phone of the cold-hearted “monster” that is Chris Greenwood. This is how Chronicle.SU came to learn that Chris Greenwood is, in fact, severely brain damaged.
“It was pretty bad,” states analysis conducted by Media Mogul. “Dude can barely spell. But there’s more. The headline and lead used the word ‘autistic’ but it appears nowhere in the article’s body. What kind of journalist is this guy? An overpaid one.”
Records obtained from phone hacking point to the fact that Jake, Ryan and Chris all met biweekly to lick the confection-tasting windows of the local bakery and talk at length on their recent exploits and pokémon acquisitions. Gotta catch ’em all, Cleary said, mocking the FBI.
It is not yet clear whether Topiary is actually autistic, but inside sources agree he is funny, calculating and “innernet-savvy,” according to his mommy.
“However, everyone is in agreement that Sabu is totally fucking retarded,” said LulzSec sock-puppet th3j35t3r, “And Topiary was set up.”
A recent pastebin hoax portending to be a leaked diplomatic cable from the office of Hillary Clinton, it seems, was actually written by me. This was discovered after a careful search through my browser history, as I was blackout drunk and high on one too many drugs at the time I wrote the pastebin.
S E C R E T STATE 047326
E.O. 12958: DECL: 05/08/2034
TAGS: PINR IR
SUBJECT: (SBU) LULZSEC AND ITS POSSIBLE RELATION TO HAMAS
AND THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT(C-NE9-00993)
Classified By: SUZANNE MCCORMICK, DIR., INR/OPS. REASON: 1.4(C).
¶1. (C/NF) WASHINGTON ANALYSTS ARE HIGHLY INTERESTED IN
REPORTS REGARDING IRANIAN GOVERNMENT'S PRESENCE IN CYBERSPACE.
ANTI-AMERICAN SLOGANS AND MESSAGES HAVE BEEN SPREAD WITH
THE AID OF ILLEGAL HACKING. THESE ATTACKS ARE MOST LIKELY
A COOPERATIVE ACTION OF BOTH HAMAS AND THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT.
ON 17 JULY 2011, THE SUN WAS HACKED BY LULZSEC AND A STORY WAS
PLACED WHICH THREATENED THE LIFE OF RUPERT MURDOCH. THIS IS A
TYPICAL LULZSEC ATTACK, TARGETING A MEDIA OUTLET.
¶A. (C) WHAT, IF ANY, TIES DOES THIS ATTACK HAVE TO IRANIAN
INTERESTS? WHAT ARE THEIR MOTIVATIONS FOR WEAKENING WESTERN MEDIA
OUTLETS LIKE PBS AND THE SUN?
¶B. (C) IN WHAT WAY IS SABU RELATED TO HAMAS? IS HE POSSIBLY
TIED TO MORE EXTREME GROUPS SUCH AS AL-QAEDA?
1) (C) WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT DOES SABU HAVE WITHIN ANONYMOUS
AND THE UNITED STATES?
2) (C) CAN SABU'S SUPPORTERS BE ACCESSED BY OUR INFILTRATORS IN
HAMAS AND AL-QAEDA, AND IF SO, HOW QUICKLY?
3) (C) HOW CAN ODYSSEY BE USED TO DAMPEN SUPPORT FOR LULZSEC?
¶C. (C) PLEASE CITE C-NE9-00993 IN THE SUBJECT LINE OF
REPORTING IN RESPONSE TO THE ABOVE QUESTIONS.
I must have drunkenly entered the mind of Hillary Clinton, because this hoax has received over 9,000 views on pastebin. It has also been republished in many other publications of high repute, as final proof of Barrett Brown’s paranoid theories. Until now, the Romas/COIN theories were based only on circumstantial evidence.
After further investigation of my internet history, it seems this whole hoax began with an extended masturbation session on /b/. After that, I spent about two hours reading through everything on WikiLeaks that had ever come from the Secretary of State. At the time I didn’t realize I was reading documents written by both Hillary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice, but they write in the exact same voice anyway. I studied every intricacy of Clinton and Rice’s authoritative writing style. I find it impossible to believe I did this without touching myself.
The only person who really picked up on this hoax was th3j35t3r, and he has since done his best to tie Sabu with Islamic terrorists. However, he hasn’t done half the job I did, and I did it only to mock those who would believe it. After all his practice, you think th3j35t3r would have learned how to troll by now.
Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.
But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.
Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the Chronicle.SU had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, “OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich.”
Dolla dolla billz, y’all.
Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.
“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.
Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”
In the end, friends thought Topiary’s addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary’s face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that Chronicle.SU covers the proceedings.
“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.” -Sabu
On Sunday authorities revealed that Jake Davis, known to millions as the troll-happy spokesperson of Lulzsec, hails from the Isle of Yell. Etymologists believe ‘Yell’ may have derived its name from the Proto-Norse word ‘Jela’, which is the stock response given to any non-natives of the island.
There are many rich legends of Trolls on the Island of Yell, which date back centuries. In the 1880’s, local lore holds that a shipwrecked sailor of the seven proxseas used a saw to kill the Troll of Windhouse. Bright green grass marks the place where the Troll died. Some say that the spirit of Trolling still haunts the isolated teenagers of Yell.
Left with little else to pass the time, Jake Davis was apparently quite fond of online chess. Davis, obviously quite intelligent, assessed the butthurt of those who were jelly with the aid of a perfectly designed assessment form.
Nearly 900 people live on the barren island of Yell, so Davis may find the social interaction of prison life quite stimulating. Faced with no other way off of Yell, Davis may have only disengenously supported the cause of LulzSec for the chance to get somewhere warm and populated with soil that will support the growth of plants larger than shrubberies.
My bandmate Nic Endo had just stepped out of the room to apply mascara, so I seized the moment to beat a very secret (and very hasty!) tattoo to the social media feed that scans the Internet for all mentions of my name. But I could tell that something was out of wack with *this* feed in a hurry! I noticed some unusual activity coming from 4chan. A picture of a hot BBW bent over and displaying her gigantic sexy ass and gnarled yellow calloused feet, which I just wanted to chew on like a delectable cheese, appeared in my feed. Someone had posted a thread about Atari Teenage Riot in 4chan’s /mu/ saying “this is the most fucked up thing i’ve ever read.”
I clicked the link and my T-Mobile 4G smartphone loaded this completely fucked up pink and yellow website run by this dumbass American named svirgula. He was just up to his usual, I guess. I mean, trying too hard at trolling and thinking he’s reeeeeally clever. Yeah, well he was up to this bullshit where he wrote this really intricate but completely idiotic hit piece on me, because you know that’s what he does. Just trolls people all vitriolic and contrarian-like. But get a load of this shit, I will outline his horrible argument with the skills I learned from West Berlin Hauptschule instructor, Mr. Hüüba.
First of all, svirgula is clearly a complete idiot. For he presented this argument with the straight face of a simpleton:
i) svirgula presented me with the Ryan story because he knew I would take up the cause in an attempt to look vaguely political.
ii) And then he showed us actual tweets in which i said i’d mention Ryan Cleary at our shows until Atari Teenage Riot finished a song about him.
iii) And then he added that I said I mentioned Ryan at the Melt Festival.
iv) And then he said that there’s no way I couldn’t have been completely uninformed about this political issue in the first place because if I had done even the quickest skim the news, I would have seen that Ryan was just a basic cybercriminal.
v) And *then* he just commented that it was depressing that I pretended to care about this kid’s cause even though I knew absolutely nothing about it, or even cyberactivism generally.
vi) This didn’t surprise svirgula because he never really thought I was sincere and that I’ve been doing the same act for the last 20 years.
And now my mom just walked into the room and do you know what she said?
“The thing about you, Alec, is that your whole ATR act has always been about your vague opposition to East Germany, even though Pappi and I kept you snuggled up in West Berlin. Remember that? But do you really want to know what the funny thing is?
“East Germany created this…”
“…and the West created… YOU!”
Fuck you, Alec Empire.
Alec Empire is the sexy frontman of the cyberpunk act Atari Teenage Riot. In his spare time, he enjoys hollow activist gestures, rave parties and getting electrolysis.
We’re pleased to announce that the Columbia Police Department raided Presstorm Media early Friday morning in an ongoing operation against libertarians who need to take their anti-psychotics.
AntiVigilante could not immediately be reached for comment, as a badass muscled cop was busting his head. Witnesses to the early morning raid, which commenced with police ramming an armored SWAT van through the back wall of AntiVigilante’s mobile home, held that he could be heard screaming about “statists” and “the motherfucking gold standard.”
“Yeah man, and then this cop took oneathose extendable clubs and straight up rammed it through that fool’s skull. Shit was tight!” said neighbor Sean Hernandez, who commented on AnonOps IRC.
Chronicle.SU contacted the Columbia Police Department for comment on the random roundups of suspected seditionists. Spokeswoman Cori Bennett said agents “administratively arrested Blake ‘AntiVigilante’ Pierce as part of a law enforcement operation targeting known gang members and associates.”
Presstorm has deleted all traces of Antivigilante from their web site, under an apparent threat from law enforcement.
Thursday, Jason Mick published a blog entry on DailyTech that provided a factual account on the arrest of alleged LulzSec spokesperson Topiary. However, halfway through the post, Mick cited completely unverifiable evidence accusing Daniel Ackerman Sandberg of criminal behavior. This complete collapse in journalistic integrity should not be tolerated. Mick appears to have made no attempt to contact Sandberg, instead posting unverified IRC logs and d0x which may be part of a misinformation campaign. Jason Mick needs to retract all evidence from his article which cannot be corroborated by a trusted source.
Sadly, the truth-seekers of Anonymous have taken this possible misinformation campaign at face value simply because they believe it supports their cause. For whatever reason, the appeal of invincible leaders has caused them to lose all sanity.
In related news, Anonymous has actively inflated the success of their PayPal boycott. Yet these lies are too transparent even for Jason Mick. By taking credit for a 3% drop in eBay’s stock and the closure of 35,000 PayPal accounts, Anonymous is not engaging in some kind of productive misinformation campaign. Instead, they are acting like complete fools, ready to repeat any piece of information that makes them feel more important – whether it is from a verifiable source or not. And that’s what Anonymous is all about, isn’t it? Anons desperately want to feel important, and facts come second.
When more information is released about the arrest of Topiary, the coked-up lemmings will all have a big laugh about their hilarious “misinformation campaign” that fooled Jason Mick and thousands of others by proxy. However, the rest of the world will just look at them as a hivemind of narcissistic and gullible idiots.
Due to his multiple moving violations confusing command hallucinations to tweet with stop signs, th3j35t3r has had his d0xing license taken away after a failed an hero.
Neoconservative DDoS faggot “th3j35t3r” announced on Thursday evening in a poorly written Pastee that he would begin seeking treatment “at the syldxiea clinic.”
“Ya I ben having lot sof conversations with my wifey Mach and we think thats the best thing for me at this time, rumers of me haveing downs are grately exagerated, I actually have asspurgers” Th3j35t3r wrote this in the Chronicle.SU comment section, which he frequents regularly during extended fap sessions, as he squats over a mirror for a better view of his gaping asshole. He elaborated, “I once read a publishers clearinghouse advertisement as a personal letter from my mother and bought 14.6 million dollars worth of subscriptions to fish and fowl.”
However, members of #jester told a slightly more sordid story.
“Basically he was illiterate,” said Chatterb0x, connoisseur of vegetarian Hot Pockets, which are for people who dont eat meat, but still want diarrhea. The j35t3rfag and Chatterb0x both frequent the same glory hole on every topic that no one gives a shit about. “He made me cam with him topless once and to brow beat me in to writing his Pastee entries, telling me “it rubs the hair gel on its nipples or it gets the DDoS again! I didn’t really understand. I felt so dirty and confused, and I had to wring my pillow out 3 times that night before I finally fell asleep.”
“The guy struts around in a women’s one piece french-cut swimsuit, a potato wedged in his ass crack to ward off the evil potates, wearing a full face latex los luchadores mask. Always comes up to me and asks ‘Chattie, do you think that I’m a baddie?’ Whatever the lord fuck that means. Dude has an awesome collection of Batman comics, though.”
Fans and beneficiaries of the j35t3r and his work include the Dept. of Justice, NAMBLA and Dell Computers.
“I’m Adrian Chen, and I can’t see the humor in the Chronicle.SU and why they like to be ripping on The Jester (TM). I think the jester is a pretty cool guy. eh DDoS unintelligible jihad sites and doesnt afraid of anything.”
I’m Adrian Chen, and I endorse CP, among others that may or may not ring true.