Murdoch Family Enslaves Cheetahs To Edit Truth Faster

News of the Chat of the News World

Chronicle.SU–NewsCorp’s premiere chat service, News of the Chat of the News World, functions by way of a high-speed underground network of rare Emperor Cheetahs, which are blocked for their usefulness by anti-cheetah hospital security systems everywhere.

Cheetah

Cheetahs fly through the network at the speed of sound, jaws agape, devouring packets you didn't even request, and ready to suck blood.

Expert analysis:

Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, Kahane-level Zionism and utter hatred of Arabs had not entirely divested Mr. Murdoch of his dealings with the Arab Cheetahs. Saudi money had acquired quite a bit of his Neocon twistiness, and finally the Arab Cheetahs were allowed over that tricky border between Egypt and Gaza — where nearby, on the Egyptian side, only, like, six people in a group are allowed to walk at a time — and into the D.C.-sized deathaplex they ruptured. Their lightweight tails smacked against the backs of their noble legs as they poured into the world’s largest prison camp, trails of saliva, like shoelaces, lapping against their forelegs.

-Tyler Bass

“It’s a lolfest if you don’t know what to expect before going down there,” reported freelance cheetah dealer Joe Bradley, 45. “Innocent people getting d0x3d left and right, cheetahs prancing around at high volume with hateful messages pinned to their shock collars, and they’re like, ‘What the fuck, I  should be in the savannah pouncing on the fucking river, drinking caribou and throttling gazelle, not running copyedits to and  fro. Fuck that wrinkled old prick!'”

Murdoch’s viewers have been internationally recognized to possess the lowest, basest possible understanding of the dynamics that created the Fox News — oops, I mean, the second Iraq War, the one following the harrowing, “courageous” embargo of the southwest Asian country that killed billions of innocent cheetahs. That country is known to us as North Korea.

Wearing Gacy-like clown makeup at time of press, Mr. Murdoch announced that it made complete sense that his average viewer possesses the cognitive/reality coherence that they would call “Osama bin Laden” “Saddam Hussein.” This is a result of mass-consumption of furry pornography.

[pullquote]“I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

Rupert Murdoch
NewsCorp[/pullquote]“I would never have imagined that people would have bought so much of my flag-fellating bullshit. Ever since Bush I was able to make that incubator-baby crap fly, I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

“Good doggies do tricks,” added Mr. Murdoch, red food-coloring dye, as used by goth kids, running down opposite sides of his mouth along with saliva, red ink trailing into the white.

In spite of their rebellious demeanors, the cheetahs remain polite because should they resist, they will be put to death, skinned and crafted into spectacularly jewel-encrusted thongs for Murdoch to prance around in.

“They’re not outspoken about their plight but they should be,” said cheetah specialist Speedy McFeely of the Bristol Motor Speedway, Virginia and fucken redneck.

Adrian “Cheetah” Chen approached the Virginia physics expert and without asking permission bent him over and snorted a line of cocaine off the small of his back. With lips pursed, Adrian softly sucked his dick, which instead of semen, leaked the phone records of celebrities and d0x of LulzSec hackers.

One cheetah busted out the cocaine in front of reporters as Murdoch – who audibly gasped at the faux pas – pondered it a moment and opted instead to cup his genitals crying, “Not here, man. The cameras. Shit’s tainted with skin-rotting levamisole. You know what that does to my ballsack.”

Murdoch hatefully orders the reporters out of his hospital suite and defecates in his bed. The hateful troll-cheetah delivers Murdoch his percocets, and Murdoch takes out a small tray, a credit card and a rolled up tin-bob note.

“Who’s the pussy now, bitch?” roars Murdoch. “We’ve got to get these children off of Google+. It’s like a disease, man a fucking KID [emphasis added] disease. Delete the little fucker’s emails to his grandma, if that’s what it takes. They’re worthless, because they were written by a  CHILD [emphasis added].” Rupert Murdoch buries his face into the fur of a cocaine-dusted cheetah and insufflates a full breath of cocaine as it wanders idly by. His eyes then glaze over and turn a fiery red.

[pullquote]“Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

Rupert Murdoch[/pullquote]“Show me your MySpace before you go!” calls out Murdoch, half-erect and blind from cocaine. “Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

To Mr. Murdoch, the cheetahs look like small children, ready for molestation. Murdoch passes out, drool glazing his wrinkled face.

 Media Mogul dreams of Yao Ming and his network of cheetahs. In his dreams, he snorts a line of crushed  percocets to kill the pain.

“Thank God it’s not that levamisole-tainted bullshit,” he remarks to the pool-boy, “and thank God it’s lab-produced morphine.

Krokodil gets the Cheetahs high, makes their dicks grow and nurtures their latent homosexual tendencies as a means of population control. They cook up various drugs in Murdoch’s Russian  apartment, and come out stinking of iodine. Murdoch reeks of Cheetah anus, the latent evidence of a recent shitler hitler still slightly noticable. It is grim, but oddly arousing to this reporter.

Cheetah Mogul, following his addiction to rare cheetahs

“I’m assembling a panel of premade emoticons to tell a story because I am  autistic,” Murdoch tells the press. “Ctrl+v for autism. Look only at mouths while communicating.”A new trend in communication is sweeping the Internet, churches and wi-fi cafés. “Create a rage comic if you want to propose to your husband or call out a  troll,” said Murdoch. “Create a rage comic while high on Krokodil, before taking a line of levamisol-tainted cocaine. My flesh is rotting away and all I can do  is read the next rage comic. Twitter has become my only outlet for  communication, after rage comics.”

Murdoch is visibly upset by this point and releases an odor resembling that of decomposing flesh. It is decomposing flesh. The cheetahs pull the plug on his life-support and he dies a slow painful death emitting a gurgling puddle of feces, writhing in a nightmarish hell, and being mercilessly ripped apart and taunted by his once loyal army of cheetahs.

 @ktrout word up to that #rotting

 @mogul yo dawg you got any #krokodil, I’m trying to get down

“Just looked at the first reddit post in a long while,” Murdoch mumbles to himself before documentary filmmakers overlapping with the Chronicle.SU doing coverage of the long-term effects of cheetah-addiction. He gently rolls the click-wheel of his mouse down a cat-lover furryboard gleefully tapping his foot and singing “im a little man, also evil, also in to cats”

“To avoid  downvotes, everyone prefaces their statements with an apology and an explanation of what their comment is not.” #fagreddit

This message brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Blenders

“Forgive me father, for I have blend!”

Will It Blend?
Bible Edition – By Adrian ForeSkin

Works Cited
By Barrett Brown

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iub5k/the_official_death_of_the_rage_comic/

http://marymicrogram.blogspot.com/2011/07/skin-rotting-substance-found-in-us.html

http://sunpig.com/martin/archives/2011/07/03/google-made-my-son-cry.html

The story of Bullshit-Ass COPPA. Your kids aren’t that special, fucking rubes.

Sluthouse 5 by Jack Vonnegut

http://twitter.com/#!/Hatefiend/status/93729178310025216

http://i.imgur.com/fW7GC.png

https://twitter.com/#!/Slashleen

19 comments to Murdoch Family Enslaves Cheetahs To Edit Truth Faster

  • [...] official chronicle.su business takes place inside a fortified safe room through which authorities will have to cut open, like a [...]

  • 0.5 percenter

    Actually, Europeans are the mut-Neanderthals. The only pure blood humans left on earth are from Africa.
    Neanderthals were typified by there small brains and massively thick skulls. They also lacked the ability to make more than gutteral sounds with their voice-boxes. As you can see, not much has changed, cave-men.
    http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/183012/20110719/neanderthal-human-genetics-non-african.htm

    dick, you must be at least 60% Neanderthal.

    • Shadownigger Shrubfucker

      That is a very wrong image of Neanderthals. Neanderthals formed a culture around 100,000 years before Sapiens and lived in more forbidding climates. Imagine that image, as the opening scene to 2001 a space oddysey. A group of aggressive and unclothed Sapiens raping the more cultured group of Neanderthals.

    • dick

      hi, i get allll of my information from the internet, and everything i read i know beyond a shadow of a doubt is 100% true.
      you’re right about one thing, africans are likely the most pure-blooded of any race, but thats only because nobody wants to breed with them. 100 years ago anyone that tried was met with a spear; today they are met with AIDS. no thanks.
      @0.5 percenter, 1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution
      2) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3cJ6xVkLuk

  • Speedy McFeely

    Wot dat der Murdock fellas doin swrong. Dem cats are som mighty fine folk. Taint right, taint right.

  • dick

    Evolution moves slower for some than others. i.e. black people. not that their inferior, i mean, they can jump higher, run faster, and use the word nigger without fear of being shot. The reason they are less evolved is their animalistic tendancies. Case in point: In richmond, california, there has been a gang war going on this past week in which twenty negro men have been murdered. I know, gang violence, nothing new right? wrong. One gang was based in southern Richmond, the other in nothern Richmond. They travel around in a pack liek wild dogs, and if someone DARE to urinate on THEIR territory, it’s war. Even if their terroitory is technically the same as the territory of the one they just cap’d. Dogs will fight over something as small as a yard, call it instinct, call it survival of the fittest. No matter what you call it, it’s fucking ridiculous for humans to act similiar.
    In fact, it’s barbaric. At least when white people are taking over new territories, they think big. i.e. the roman empire, the spanish empire (spaniards are white, if you disagree, you’re wrong), the english empire, and now the american empire. The us not only invades other countries, but attacks itself as an excuse for war. as if our undereducated, oddly religious, obese, redneck population needed a reason to attack arabs. White people (some) are smart enough though, that when they’re taking over one nation, they keed a nice big vibrator in every ass hole of their own country, and then throw everyone in the closet and turn off the lights. When we ask why, their response is, “it’s for your own good.” and we eat that steaming pile like jesus christ shit it out himself.
    The moral of the story is know your meme. Thinking as a collective is one thing, accepting everything your government tells you as a collective is an entirely different thing. So why do people listen? thats my question. what keeps evryone so hunky dory when they eat bull shit alll day everyday? why are they content with having two dildos and a master puppeteer’s hand up their ass holes 24/7? Surely it isn’t just ignorance. there has to be more. then again, anyone dumb enough to be…anything religious, is likely dumb enough to think the governement they didn’t vote for and have never met gives half a shit about them.
    So folks and lady folks, what can we do about this? Troll? ya thats working REAL well. Trolling attracts two types of people. 1) people who know you’re trolling, and probably are already in the know 2) dumb stubborn motherfuckers who think you’re the spawn of satan, or at least one of his minions. and why not? i could be one of satan’s minions.
    Anyway, shoot me with ideas, my flak jacket is off…because my government didn’t think it was necessary to have in a war.

    holy shit, got on a tangent there. OOPS #shithappens

    • “The spanish empire (spaniards are white, if you disagree, you’re wrong)”

      clearly a self loathing spanish nigger, and thus. Opinion ignored.

      • I don’t think it’s an opinion but his attempt at satire. And I’m not sure really…what it’s … saying? It’s either trolling or white supremacy. And it’s not like … shit, I don’t know.

        Great post, geo…

        • dick

          oh and the original spaniards are white. when they came to the americas they fucked many a local bitch, who in turn fucked many a negro later brought over as slaves. thus beginning the latino.

    • Shadownigger Shrubfucker

      lol, trolling is not the answer…proceeds to compare blacks to dogs

    • Your skepticism, good. Your racism, pathetic.

      • dick

        @Taynt i’m whiter than the background in which i’m typing.

        @MediaMogul it did began as an attempt at satire, but promptly devolved into that debacle

        @trout that may have been a SLIGHT genralization, but surely you see where i’m coming from

        @Tbass my racism runs deeper than mariana’s trench, but i remain subjective. SOME negros are OK, and i’m really good friends with an illegal named oscar, in fact he’s one of the nicest people any of you would ever meet

        if i write again i plan on doing something much more satirical and about our countries political party system. i’m thinking something along the lines of kids on a playground choosing teams for kickball..TBD

        • Taynt

          “@Taynt i’m whiter than the background in which i’m typing.”

          So was micheal jackson, still a nigger

          • dick

            well i do enjoy me some fried chicken. did my racist rant offend you? acting like you have no prejudice makes you a bigger douche than something willing to admit it. doesn’t make me a racist, i speak from experience, not anger.

  • Geo

    this site makes a lot more sense suddenly
    #stillbutthurt

  • Smashed that shit quick too. little pirate pad shrapnel litters the interwebs.

  • Atopiary crashed the piratenpad on which this article was written. (lol)

    • We sat down as a family and wchtaed it in real-time. I don’t recall the last time we’ve done that (and not time-shifted) for anything. It was a fascinating show, and I won’t get the mental image of that tadpole riding on mum’s back out of my mind for a long while!

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