While America is distracted by the proverbial debt ceiling, the gay children of Michele Bachmann’s constituents are killing themselves. The neverending “queer hunt”, as the Bachmann family calls it, rages on. We tried to reach Michele for comment, but only got her voicemail, nagging us for personal details and an outline of our agenda. We decided the next best thing was to try calling her openly gay husband, Marcus. His phone rang for 11 long minutes, but at long last, we heard the breathless panting of Perez Hilton echoing through his speakerphone. We were ecstatic, but confused. Why was Perez Hilton answering Marcus Bachmann’s office phone? Our investigative instincts took over, and out came the perfectly articulated stream of questions we so often practice.
The following is an actual conversation between Lebal Drocer investigators, Marcus Bachmann, and Perez Hilton.
LD: “Perez Hilton?”
PH: OooOOoooohhh, your voice is so gruff and manly!
LD: Is Marcus there?
PH: [In the background] sweetie it’s for you.
MB: Who is this?
LD: We are an elite team of therapists, specializing in breaking our nation’s youth of the homosexual curse.
MB: Well good gosh, there is a God! How would you boys like to come to my cabin in Spring Lake Park? We can discuss our work in my new jacuzzi, it has an extremely invigorating massage setting. [Groans from Perez in the background]
LD: Well mister Bachmann, we’re actually calling about the gay suicides in your wife’s district. We like how you were able to make them look like genuine suicides, and we would like your help getting these suicides rolling.
MB: Oh honey, it was easy. We had their friend’s facebook accounts hacked and cyberbullied them for about a week or two. We then hacked the queer’s account and posted suicidal thoughts. Just before everyone gets genuinely worried, we sneak into their rooms and stuff their mouths with Viagra. I don’t have to tell you what happens next! We force feed them a handful of their parent’s pills, wait for them to expire, and let all the evidence fall into place.
LD: I like your style Bachmann, we could use a man of your integrity and biblical love of Jesus on our team at Lebal Drocer Inc.
MB: Sweetie, you’re gonna have to work HARD to get me on your team.
LD: [The sound of suppressed vomit]
PH: BABY come back to bed, Fudgy is lonely.
LD: [More vomiting]
MB: I’m sorry boys, DADDY CALLS!