[pullquote]“Who needs friends when you can have Bitcoins?” ~ Danny MacLeod[/pullquote]This is the story of a keen young man by the name of Danny MacLeod who traded his way up in life and is now the most successful warlord in the Helmand Valley of Afghanistan. He started with only an inane argument about the value of gold, and he now owns 100,000 acres of poppy-rich land, a harem of 15 underage girls, a highly trained and loyal militant group, and a small fleet of dependable 4wd Toyota Tacomas equipped with 35mm machine guns.
It all started in December of 2010 when the strapping young Danny MacLeod argued his closest friend out of .129034 Bitcoin. MacLeod recounts, “All I had to do was explain to my friend how all forms of money are in fact worthless unless backed by gold. He gave me this fraction of a Bitcoin on a floppy disk and told me to fuck right off. Who needs friends when you can have Bitcoins?”
Danny MacLeod then traded this floppy disk to his local drug dealer for a single ecstasy pill. The dealer commented, “Oh fuck, I think I remember that. I would’ve given him a whole bag of pills just to shut the fuck up. I fucking hate Danny sometimes. I threw that gay internet money floppy disk away.”
The enterprising young MacLeod then took his single ecstasy pill downtown and traded it to a desperate crack-whore, Trina, famous for entirely toothless blowjobs. However, MacLeod was intelligent enough not to squander this valuable blowjob. Instead, MacLeod hung it over her head and treated Trina as if she owed him her life. Knowing his way around the business, MacLeod contacted Trina’s pimp to start some shit. “I told that sonofabitch his whore had taken my pill and never gave me a blowjob. I told him I’d kill him if he didn’t set this straight, and I told him he should know Danny MacLeod doesn’t fuck around.” The pimp apologized profusely and traded MacLeod ownership of the deadbeat hooker in return for peace. MacLeod had worked his way up to ownership of a toothless crack-whore named Trina.
Trina provided MacLeod with as much as fifty bucks a day, providing he remembered to threaten her life. In the course of a month, MacLeod made nearly a grand from Trina. Sadly, MacLeod overworked Trina, and she died from her tragic crack addiction. This was MacLeod’s first setback in his rise to glory. Always a cunning businessman, MacLeod sold the body to a necrophilia ring and doubled up his money. MacLeod now had two grand, and he invested it all in bitcoins. By April, the price of bitcoins quadrupled, and MacLeod figured it was a good time to liquify his holdings.
MacLeod spent every last bitcoin on 100 sheets of LSD blotter. Using contacts he’d made in the child trafficking world, Danny traded 96 and a half sheets of acid for 15 sexy young female slaves. With the remaining acid, MacLeod convinced a few friends of his who worked for Blackwater to take him to Afghanistan and begin a Fourth Reich in the Helmand Valley and trigger Helter Skelter. By carefully dosing out the final sheets, MacLeod kept his team of assassins and killers just deluded enough to serve him, and only fucked up enough to hone their hateful bloodlust with a hyper-sensitive edge.
Danny has grown comfortable in his new digs and enjoys owning the majority of the world’s opium-producing Real Estate. The local farmers fear him, as do competing warlords. And to think, anyone can rise to such glorious heights just by starting with an inane argument about the value of gold. Danny MacLeod’s ingenuity should serve as an example to us all, representing perfectly the benefits of free market capitalism and the ideals that underpin America’s success.