SHOENICE

SHOENICE22

AWESOME

EATS WTF EVER

___

Thursday– Shoenice, who released a new video every hour and updated his Facebook wall an average of twenty two times per hour, has just eaten one entire can of Crisco, two tablespoons of BBs from a gun, and a whole bottle of cinnamon. After crusading for Facebook followers, YouTube subscribers, and even Skype friends, Shoenice proceeded to play peekaboo to an audience of three hundred people who have only just met him and not yet realized he is the human trashcan that eats everything.

Shoenice is a nice man on a nice mission to save his nice children from poverty by becoming rich and famous on youtube, and since you read it here, that means it is working out alright. Except that his body has become a steady pipeline of hate.

SHOENICE22 is willing to eat almost anything, and makes a point of eating everything as quickly as possible. He does not seem to fear cancer-causing agents, and will eat anything short of heart-stopping medicine. Shoenice never blinks, because he once put super glue in his eyes and that is how real men cope with divorce. He is constantly rerencing the riches his fame is about to bring him. As of this exact moment, his videos top quadrillions of views, surpassing all other YouTube videos in number of hits. The Chronicle anticipates the trials of Shoenice will soon be picked up by network television and sponsored by US war machine manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

“Hell yeah, I’d watch that shit. It would be like Fear Factor without the fear.”

Viewer

While facts demonstrate Shoenice is the greatest thing TV never built, detractors claim he “suffers” from an “extreme” case of Pica, exacerbated by the attention he gets on the internet. Shoenice, however, claimed he does not suffer from Pica and iterated Pica is not something he can eat and therefore does not exist, except only in theory. Shoenice bills himself as a comedian, filling his videos with wisecracks but at the same time sprinkling in clever allusions to his personal problems such as his recent divorce.

“He has a great personality. And a divorce.”

-Concerned Viewer

“HERE COMES SHOENICE TO EAT YO MOFO SCREEN BITCHES. AND HE’S THERE. IT IS AWESOME. WHENEVER I CLICK HTTP://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/SHOENICE22 I GET THE EYES FULL OF JOY AND A RAGING KILLER BONER.”

-Stoned Viewer

Shoenice has been in the comedy eating game for a long time. In one video, he recalled eating many Tampons as a young boy and later during high school. “It opened up in my throat like an umbrella, and when my mom was yanking on that string with my head between her legs, she knew she gave birth to something special.”

SHOENICE WILL YOU PLEASE EAT A VIDEO OF YOURSELF EATING A VIDEO OF YOURSELF PLEASE? I DONT KNOW HOW YOU WOULD DO THAT BUT YOU ARE CREATIVE AND CAN SURELY THINK OF SOMETHING.

-Desperate Viewer

After reviewing tapes of the acts, Chronicle Legal Aide and Psychoanalytic Analyst Jeff Shepard concluded Shoenice is not a danger to himself or society, but added “Shoenice is quite charming in a disturbing way, causing viewers laugh their ass off while being completely and utterly nauseated beyond belief. Strangely, Shoenice appears to almost always wear the exact same shirt and baseball cap, covering the shame of his bald head while highlighting his beautiful, nonfunctioning eyes.”

420 friendlyShoenice loves drugs, which is nice. We would do any amount of cocaine with this man and most of us don’t even like cocaine. Meanwhile he could enlighten us to the consequences of giving oral sex to an underage girl with a yeast infection.

Works Cited





71 comments to SHOENICE

  • SHOENICE22

    great story about me…if you liked this story wait till you read my book

  • Lolipop

    Nice light hearted human interest story for christmas….really?!

    Give that big guy a box of super plus tampons xD

  • Surgeon General

    This man has a very strange, unbalanced diet.

  • Natasha

    I love you Shoenice your so funny and great entertainment!

  • damn

    this is really sad does anyone else think this is really sad

  • Colleen

    Hey Chris, I just wanted to tell you how much I admire you for your compassion for children who are in poverty and I completely agree with you on how screwed up our government system is and how selfish celebrities are

  • Colleen

    Also Chris, please take care of yourself…I hope and pray you stop consuming some of the things that you do…I would be very sad if anything were to happen to you and I care about you.

  • Joseph

    Man, bro, you really have to stop this because you really will die; I don’t see how the government is allowing you to do this. Come on, channel that positive energy into doing something more direct and not…life threatening please. I can’t bear to see you throw your life away slowly just for the mass media entertainment…welcome to modern society. Ugh! Take care man, please. You’ve made your point already!

  • Taylor

    Shoenice is gonna save the world by eating nasty stuff. More power to that mofo. THANKK YOOOUU

  • take of yourself we sure gonna miss you when you die and i care about you and you are the smartest guy on earth love and always your fan kayla schneider love you.

  • Alan Simmons

    Dude is an online bully. Say anything negative against him and he’ll have his “Shoe World Order” lackey’s moan and complain to have your video or post taken down. He’s got the personality of paint drying and is more retarded than should be allowed deemed safe for the public. On top of that I’d love to see proof in his videos that he gives to these so called children he’s always harping on. Giving quarters for the Ronald McDonald house while buying a double cheeseburger doesn’t count either.

  • EatMe

    His favorite thing to eat is a steamy runny plate of shit.

  • Mike Wolfe

    Im gay so he can eat me.

  • Gay Nigger

    I bet that guy can eat miles of cock. He should nibble on my nigger dick.

  • Anonymous

    Shoenice is a cyber bully. He’s bullied a good friend of mine and gotten his videos removed. He was also banned from King of the Web for calling a girl who was competing with him a slut and a whore on video. He tells his “Shoe World Order” of which he calls his monsters to attack people if any of them have anything bad to say about him. This good friend of mine was a fan of his, so he decided to do a parody of him, and even said it was a parody, and that he was a fan. Shoenice proceeded to bully him and bash him until the video was taken down. He tells people he can do whatever he wants because he makes youtube money. He goes on tv and talks about how he loves to do coke and other drugs. He stays high and has no life except to his creepy and oddly cult like following which say they will die for him…and these people know nothing about the man he is and what he does to other people. They do it because of the stupid things he does on video. Don’t say this man is a good man because he’s doing things that hurt his body. This isn’t what makes a man.

    • When my staff wrote this article, it was before Shoenice really had any fame, and we took his story at face value (that he lost his kids in a divorce and wanted some way of paying for their well-being).

      Since he became internet-famous, I haven’t heard much of him except for that beer drinking world record and going on Ellen.

      But I am saddened to report that I tried to reach out to him on Facebook (we are Facebook friends) and got back a simple “fuck off.” It was a genuine attempt at connecting with the man and not even a veiled troll. And that’s saying something because we are notorious internet “trolls.” But he wouldn’t have it. Just said fuck off.

      I sincerely wonder what’s gone wrong with him.

    • Gay Nigger

      Suck my dick, honkie.

  • Jim

    whose the cute blonde with the nice boobs?

  • anthony

    That cant be the real shoenice commenting it is in lower case

  • I HAVE NEVER COLLECTIVELY SEEN SO MUCH FUCKING MALE PUSSIES AND WINEASS BITCHEZZZ SINCE I JOINED THE INTERNET….YOU PEOPLE ARE PATHETIC AND I WILL CONTINUE TO RUNOVER ANYONE WHO GETS IN MY FUCKING WAY TO EXTINGUISH WORLD HUNGER…NOW GO BASCK TO YUR 3 FOOT WORLD AND CHARGE YUR IPHONES..BECUZ IN THE END YOU ARE ALL NUMBERS..MY SHEEP I WILL LEAD INTO A REVOLUTION OF PEACE AND HARMONY AMONG ALL HUMANS ON THIS PLANET !! FAKYAW !!

  • Truth

    You have very serious delusions of grandeur Shoenice… Key word being delusions. Yea, you say some funny stuff some times. But you should really stop, and take a moment and think about WHY people watch your channel. Its not because your this celebrity you have convinced your self you are, or some revolutionary, or some one who has done anything, ever, at all to end world hunger, its because people think what you do is moronic. To watch some one poison them self drinking whole bottles of alcohol and eating things that are not food. People laugh at that, they laugh at you. It amuses them. Thats why most people watch your channel. Not because you are some notable figure in the annals of time and history, or some humanitarian who has done the world great good. In fact, you promote a dangerous life style which endangers your fellow man, you promote idiocy. And unfortunately the other percentage of people who religiously follow your channel, your devoted fan boys, seem to have some type of father issues, and look for some type of approval in your eyes, god knows why, because they, as apposed to the vast vast majority of your viewers are gullible and naive enough to believe your brainless rhetoric. Now I know your cult like following of fans will try to insult me with some pedestrian insult, like calling me gay, or shit head, or some other utterly stupid shit, and thats really fine with me. But at the end of thew day you will have to sit there and think about what you are defending, and deep down you know I’m right. You can deny it, and thats fine. It doesn’t stop me from actually making a difference in society, working, contributing to society. You can insult me all you want. But stop for a moment and reflect upon the fact that Shoenice, if you really ever had any motivation to feed any one, other than your self, wouldn’t your service start first with those closest to you? Do you actually do that? I think by your own admission you don’t. I listen to you drone on and on insulting people, and their eating habits, but look at your self. Do you even have a REAL job? Do you do anything AT ALL to contribute to society other than riding around drunk insulting people, drinking massive amounts of alcohol, smoking weed, and eating food. You seem lazy to me. And its a shame. Your so cought up in this world you have made for your self in your head, convincing your self your on some holy mission of meaning. Its sadly amusing. Maybe you should get a real job, stop smoking weed constantly, and drinking bottles, and save some money so you can actually take care of some people. And start with those closest to you before you go worrying about kids on other countries. You need to come back to reality. I’m sure you could be a good person if you tried. But before you do that, you need to come back to REALITY. Your supposed to be an adult. Get your self together, get some humility, get some dignity back, its going to be hard but you can do it if you try. Its time to grow up, and be an adult.

    • monkeyshines

      I agree. This guy thinks he’s the second coming of Jesus. Damn sociopath. He probably needs some medication. I know if I lost my kid to some divorce I wouldn’t sleep till I got to make things right.

      • YOU GUYS ARE FUCKTARDS..AND WHEN I END GLOBAL HUNGER..I WILL FUCK YOUR MOMS TOI CELEBRATE !!! 3SUM FOR LIFE…POT AND PUSSY FOR LIFE….WORDS OF JEALOUSY BECUZ I MAKE TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU DO JUST SITTING HERE TYPING..MY JOB IS MASTER TROLL..ASK MY BOSS GOOGLE..THEY WIL TELL YOU….WHAT ARE YOU ACCOUNTANTS…NURSES?? BABAHAHAHHAA..EITHER WAY..YOU ARE NUMBERS IN A SOCIETY AND I AM THE 2ND COMING OF CHRIST…GET IN MY WAY AND I SMASH YUR JAWPIECE..KIDS ARE DYING..AND YOU 2 COULD GIVE A FUCK…YUR DADS MUST BE ASHAMED

    • YOUR MOM IS A WHORE..GET IN MY WAY I WILL CRUSH YOU…YOU CANT STOP THE SHUNAMI..KIDS ARE DYING OF HUNGER AND YOU SIT UP IN FORUMS RUNNING YOUR MOUTH DOUCHEDICK..YOU MUST BE A CONTESTANT OF KOTW..WOW…WE STILL CRY ABOUT ME CALLING TEENAGERS SLUTS AND DOUCHES..JUST WORDS LIKE THESE ”GO FUCK YOURSELF”

  • LIKE I SAID…FUCKING DOUCHEBAGS AND MALE VAGINAS IN THIS WORLD….BOOHOO ..WOW….WASTING MY TIME HERE WITH WALMART EMPLOYEES AND NASCAR FANS

  • HEY TRUTH..NOT THAT YOU ARE DONE WITH YOUR PULITZER PRIZE ESSAY..COME PICK UP YUR MOM..I AM THROUGH WQITH HER AND HER PUSSY SMELLS LIKE BAD TUNA….RECOGNIZE THAT CHRONICLE.SU OWNS THE INTERNET AND I AM THEIR FUCKING SLAVE !!!! MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

    also i have a weeping pussy

    • Truth

      Listen to your self. You sound like everything I said you were. And maybe YOU better be careful. Because the threats YOU just maid are a CRIME. And you never stopped to consider what I do for a living did you? Typical for some one like you. Maybe we should look into these threats a little more closely. Glad I have the screen shot of the comment. I’m glad the owner of this website can be subpoenaed to testify in a court of law. Trying to use intimidation on people expressing their opinion now huh? We will have to see about that. Your not to bright. Just like I said. You picked the wrong guy moron.

    • Truth

      You think it matters that you changed your comment? Have you ever heard of a screen shot? But more importantly, do you know that a legal Subpoena to the owner of this site and server will reveal all of the content that has transpired, before and after you changed your comment? Apparently you don’t. Why? Because your a moron.

      • Kilgoar

        The comment was edited by the editor for wrong statements about who runs the internet and for overt threats towards a person named “Truth” with a capital T. You can’t make threats against a pseudonym anyway, dummy. What’s bad is when you come here and act like you own the place ’cause yer some stinkin trash eatin’ celebrity.

      • PUT THIS IN THE REPORT TOO …FUCK THE POLICE !!!!!

  • HOLY FUCK !!! PEOPLE STILL CRYING OVER THE CUNTS OF KOTW !! NEVER MET SO MANY HOES. DOUCHEBAGS AND LITTLE PENCIL PENIS’S

  • Truth

    Listen to your self. You sound like everything I said you were. And maybe YOU better be careful. Because the threats YOU just maid are a CRIME. And you never stopped to consider what I do for a living did you? Typical for some one like you. Maybe we should look into these threats a little more closely. Glad I have the screen shot of the comment. Im glad the owner of this website can be subpoenaed to testify in a court of law. Trying to use intimidation on people expressing their opinion now huh? We will have to see about that. Your not to bright. Just like I said. You picked the wrong guy moron.

    • PLEASE COME PIUCK UP YOUR MOM..HER OPUSSY STINKS AND YOU STARTED THE SLANDER..PLEASE SUE ME PUBLICLY..IT WILL GET ME VIEWS !!

      • Truth

        Once again, your lack of comprehension, and education is amusingly apparent. I’m not talking about suing you. The threats you just made are a CRIME. That’s NOT a civil a suit. Its a criminal one. You really are a moron. You never stopped to think about who you may have been talking to, or what I do for a living, because your a fool. And fools never do. That’s why they always wind up getting them self into trouble. You threatened the wrong person. I would watch your mouth and mind your manners when you speak to people, especially because your not doing ANYTHING to any one. The federal and state government knows who you are, and where you are, and you are not above the law. If you commit a crime, threaten some one, or use intimidation, you WILL be held accountable for your actions regardless of how stupid you are. When you commit a crime you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Ignorance is not an excuse in a court of law. And trust me, in jail, they dont like dead beat dads… And they certainly aren’t guna take it easy on you for being a fat drunk idiot who thinks hes a celebrity. So keep that shit up.

        • Kilgoar

          Don’t worry, I’ve removed the threats. How does Shoenice know who you are? Have you been cyberstalking him? Has he been cyberstalking you?

          • Truth

            Another fool. If you read, you will see that I have a screen shot. And that doesn’t even matter. Because a legal Subpoena to the admin of this website will get any all content, before and after you edited the comment, and it can be used in a court of law. Also, I’m sure the fact that you tried to change it will also be a particular point of interest.

            How does he know who I am? He doesn’t. And that’s the point. He should watch his mouth when hes talking because he DOESN’T know who hes talking to. So when he attempt to use intimidation over the internet, and blatantly, and foolishly advertises his intent to commit credit fraud, its a CRIME, and a foolish one at that. So when I come here to express my opinion, which is what the comment section is FOR, thats what I am doing. Who would ever waste time stalking a moron like this? He simply just picked the wrong guy to threaten on the internet, running off at the mouth like a big shot. Maybe you should use your head next time and have some respect when you talk to people instead of threatening people, using intimidation, and blatantly advertising the desire to commit a felony.

            • Kilgoar

              We only follow Soviet Law around here. The people’s law. We’re the proletariat, and we’re in charge. Get out of here with your bourgeois threats-on-threats-on-threats. We don’t like the bourgeois. We’ll gladly send you all proof that these threats were made towards “you,” an unnamed person who Shoenice couldn’t possibly harm, much less contact, based on your interaction here.

              • Truth

                I’m done with this. Its petty, and taken up far to much of my time. My only point was, he shouldn’t make threats to commit a crime under US law, as a US citizen, under which HE CAN be prosecuted. I made no threats. He did. I simply informed him of the law. That’s all. Peoples rights to express them self should be honored. Otherwise there shouldn’t be a comment section. I have no intention of seeing any prosecuted. I was merely illustrating a point. And now that’s its understood, its over.

            • OMG….FUCKING HAWAII FIVE NO OVER HERE..ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME..I STATED THE FACT THAT ”IF” YOU GET IN MY WAY I WILL RUN YOU OVER…WITH MARSHMELLOWS BAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA ….POLICE WHO GET REPORTS, WHIUCH HAVE BEEN WAAY WORSE THEN THIS.. CALL ME AND SAY CHILL AND THEN THEY ALL WATCH MY VIDS.. FROM THE FBI TO THE EMT’S ..THEY ALL LOVE SHOENICE

          • Truth

            I misinterpreted what you said. I have not problem with you Kilgoar. I am just saying, this guy should have some respect and not run around making threats. Thats all. Im done with this.

        • GO GET LAID DOUCHEBAG..STILL TALKIN ?? YES. YOU HAVE NO LIFE

        • HAHAHHAA.. WATCH TV THIS MONTH..AND WHEN YOU SEE ME ON THERE YOU WILL REALIZE THAT I AM AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE..AND I AM SUIING YOU FOR SLANDER AND LIES BECUZ MOST OF MY HATE ON THE INTERNET IS DONE BY A KID I HIRED 2 YEARS AGO .. HE IS THEW MASTERMIND BEHIND THE SHOENICE TROLLS AND IP ADDRESSES IN COURT WILL PROVE THAT.. NOW ITS WAKE AND BAKE TIME SO COME PICK UP YUR MOM !!!!!

  • Anonymous

    Shoenice is awesome, he does standup comedy, and makes youtube videos. That does not give you the right to bitch and moan about everything he does people who are doing so.

  • NOW THAT WE ALL FULLY UNDERSTAND.. CHRONICLE.SU IS THE LAW.. IF YOU GET IN SHOENICE’S WAY TO STOP WORLD HUNGER WE WILL RUN YOU OVER LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN.. A TSUNAMI .. KIDS ARE DYING AND YOU PEOPLE ARE LOSERS.#TRUTH.. AND ANY JURY WILL HELP ME RUN YOU OVER AFTER DAYS OF TESTIMONY .. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA ..YOU ARE MY SHEEP

  • Wowsers shoenice I see haters! Wtf? Maybe 2 ppl
    In the whole world wishing they had ur idea and
    Threatening you. Ur a real entertainer! And I’m not the
    Only one that thinks so. Keep it going. Can’t wait 4 more.

  • Anonymous

    i really cant stand how ‘truth’ is constantly talking about the law and criticising shoenice when he doesn’t even know that your isn’t that same thing as you’re because he spelt it wrong repeatedly.

  • If you love Shoenice, you may also want to google Deconditioning

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