North Korean missile shot down

The crew of a Japanese science vessel and many other eyewitnesses have confirmed that North Korea’s “failed” missile launch was actually disrupted by anti-missile defense systems or possibly Aliens. Several described a “streak of light” preceding the break-up of the missile. Whether this was a part of an airborne anti-missile laser system or an alien beam has been disputed, but experts agree that nothing can possibly be known about what these people claim to have seen. Even if video footage surfaces, hoaxing technology has become virtually indistinguishable from reality and it would actually be proof of nothing.

Our secret insiders, pouring through confidential Pentagon computer systems, have found no trace of this military operation, but that is to be expected in a mission with such need for secrecy. One thing the hackers known as the “InFiltrators” did find of interest was the following excerpt from the Ballistic Control Contingency Update Memo.

PENTAGON MEMO 3932098A-F3
BALLISTIC CONTROL CONTINGENCY UPDATE MEMO
1. SHOULD NORTH KOREA ATTEMPT TO TEST BALLISTICS
WITH AN OPENLY ANNOUNCED MISSILE TEST
A. YAL1 IS STATIONED AT OKINAWA AND WILL DEPLOY
B. HAARP WILL GO LIVE AND PROVIDE SECONDARY SUPPORT
C. TERTIARY SUPPORT THROUGH SUBMARINE ABM SYSTEM
2. SURPRISE MISSILE LAUNG ATTEMPT FROM DPRK
A. HAARP HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MOBILIZE WITHIN
EXACTLY ONE MINUTE
B. SENSORS MUST BE PERMANENTLY IN PLACE TO DETECT
MISSILE ACTIVITY
C. SUBMARINE ABM SYSTEMS MUST ALWAYS BE PRESENT IN
SEA OF JAPAN

YAL1 refers to an airborne laser test system capable of destroying ballistic missiles which is mounted on a Boeing 747. Anti-ICBM systems mounted on submarines are previously unheard of, and possibly part of yet another top secret defense plot for total world dominance. It is well-known that HAARP is capable of creating pockets of intense heat anywhere on the globe, and firing them directly in the path of an intercontinental missile will almost always cause a catastrophic structural failure. Certainly, there is no way to defeat the United States in a missile-to-missile nuclear war. However, that is no longer the high ground of the battlefield. The high ground is now cyber.

When World War III breaks out and all the American Military Info Systems start failing, it’s only because the Chinese and Russians have been hiding in them for so long. If Anonymous can get into them, it’s a simple conclusion that powerful states investing nearly infinite resources into cyberwarfare have done much more profoundly damaging things which will be undetectable until it is far too late. Some fringe theorists have suggested that the North Koreans’ failure was actually a result of Pentagon computer hackers sabotaging the missile manufacturing process. This scenario is by far the most likely.

Witnesses: Mitt Romney Masturbates on Hotel Balcony

This photo allegedly shows a nude Mitt Romney engaged in public masturbation.

SPRINGFIELD, CONN. – At 9:00 a.m., passersby in a quiet Connecticut town say they expressed horror and shock at the sight on a hotel balcony of a masturbating middle-aged man,  a man whom they claim to have been been front-runner for the Republican Party presidential nod, Mitt Romney. The cellphone photos they took, which have since ignited a social media firestorm, appear to show the former Massachusetts governor expose himself, “masturbating for all to see.” The balcony height of downtown Springfield’s Marriott  exposed Mr. Romney’s public sex act, they say, to a crowd including children as young as five.

At time of press, there is a poverty of coverage from networks due to the explicit nature of the evidence, and the gravity of the consequences for the Romney campaign. Democratic strategist James Carville today compared the mainstream media’s silence up to this point to the gulf of time between the National Enquirer’s breaking of the John Edwards affair and its widespread entry into public discourse. “It’s just denial,” said Mr. Carville, a former senior campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton.

The Springfield District Attorney’s Office says the presumptive Republican nominee has not been charged with a crime. Mr. Romney reportedly fled the balcony immediately after he was spotted, and no solid video evidence has yet surfaced. However, one witness did capture a blurry photograph which shows the candidate before he turned to re-enter a room.

Analysts suggest this is the end to Romney’s campaign, and Newt Gingrich will likely take the place as front runner after Romney suspends his campaign. Representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Mr. Romney’s religious denomination, released statements to the press saying they are “appalled by the bigotry” of commenters, whose “partisan desperation,” they say, has contributed to an animus to smear the candidate, 65. The release says the church is “dismayed” by crass insinuations “any morning ‘open-air’ masturbation ritual” is a “normal part of Mormon culture.”

Barrett Brown’s harassment of Endgame Systems removed from Google

Barrett Brown’s Project PM “echelon2” Wiki page provides a look inside e-mails “gleaned” from the HBGary “hack.” Recently, a page about Endgame Systems, a business with connections to HBGary, was removed from the top spot on Google. A paranoid and apopleptic Barrett Brown insists that this is a part of a massive government cover up with political motivations. However, there is probably a more logical solution.

The page in question, which has been stricken from Google, contains a link to this document. Be forewarned: This link contains the names, addresses, and home phone numbers of people who have done nothing more than be born into the same family as a person who works for Endgame Systems. As a footnote to a highly charged political rant, lacking all semblance of journalistic or academic standards, the context is clearly malicious. While it’s not illegal to publish publicly available records, using the information as part of an implied threat is highly questionable.

It would be one thing if this was an isolated incident, but Brown has a long record of  employing these same scare tactics, even personally making threatening phone calls to his enemies. Brown’s called me a “moralfag” for my criticism of him and Anonymous, an insult which is as equally homophobic as it is misanthropic. Superior ethics and morals are what give activists their foothold in public discourse, and Brown can’t seem to understand this.

Sadly, Brown can’t even take what he dishes out: <BarrettBrown>  diversity of tactics that include libeling, harassing the guy who provides free lawyers to arrested Anons is hard to take seriously, too

He doesn’t pay a cent for the lawyers, but he holds this up as a holy talisman to ward off us evil mocking demons. Ain’t workin’.

The Panopticon

Criminals are caught nearly 99.999% of the time. There are drones hovering above cities recording a permanent record of every square inch in Hyper HD. What good is a mask when there is a record of everywhere a person goes? “Nothing to hide?”

Sadly, they hardly need drones. Most people carry around a smartphone equipped with GPS, streaming data to Google for permanent storage. People voluntarily give up their interests and schedules for trivial convenience. The hegemons are probably recording ambient noises and camera images every last second the phone is on. These images are all recovered “only” in the case of crime or civil suit.

The Panopticon’s first sight of new territory is through the camera of a fully loaded drone as outsourced specialists make sure the bombs detonated effectively and on target. The bombs turn first into gore and then smartphones. No buttons are even pushed. The process is entirely automated. This is how the Panopticon spreads. It will remember every moment of every human event with ever-increasing clarity.

Internet Chronicle writer “Kilgoar” Trout dead at 27

Fans mourn the loss of Trout.

WASHINGTON – Monday, “Kilgoar” Trout, founder of the beloved Internet Chronicle, died from a simultaneous drug overdose and car wreck while on his way to a “business meeting.” Police forensics experts seemed befuddled reporting, “We’ve never had a case of death by the combination of overdose and car accident, but this is what appears to have happened.” Trout was not driving the vehicle at the time of the wreck, but the driver, who escaped unscathed, was tested by police at the scene and was reportedly extremely drunk. Obsessive teary-eyed fanboy Geo Hotz said, “This is just like Princess Diana. We will have no justice.”

Long-time friend of Trout, Niall Coffey, said, “Kilgoar fell prey to his own lavish lifestyle and instantaneous Internet success. We knew it was bad when he did a cameo on EpicMealTime, but we didn’t know it was this bad. He will be deeply missed.” Critics of The Internet Chronicle say the site descended from a darkly funny and intelligent source for satire into an endless stream of transparent death hoaxes, which were nonetheless highly successful in bringing in massive streams of advertising revenue.

Known for obsessively attacking the hacktivist collective Anonymous, perhaps Trout’s most famous and controversial work was the Anti-Leader’s Handbook, a longwinded 8,000-word self-centered exegesis full of  red-faced rants and recycled postmodern tropes on the paradoxical nature of Anarchist Collectives and archetypal anti-heroes. It also featured the now-famous “Stratfor hack is not Anonymous” hoax, which rightly accused Sabu of working with the FBI months before the public became aware. The self-styled “King of Trolls,” Trout viciously taunted every sect of humanity in the name of non-violence and tolerance.

The Internet Chronicle’s remaining assets have been transferred to Tyler Bass, who plans to sell the business to News Corporation for 11.2 million USD. Mr. Trout’s personal fortune, upwards of $5.6 billion, has been set aside to buy laptops for children in the third world. These laptops come with an operating system designed personally by Trout to block all viral content and only show information produced or curated by verified experts.

American Pickers stars “come out of the closet”

#SupportPickers

HOLLYWOOD-Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz, stars of the History Channel’s American Pickers television show, have raised eyebrows in the past with their a-little-too-close relationship and outright disdain for stunning co-star Danielle Colby Cushman. On Monday, the pair “came out of the closet,” in the hopes that fans would understand their choice of sexuality.

Mostly, the Pickers have not been disappointed. Fans have started a campaign on Twitter under the hashtag #SupportPickers, and many members of the LBGQT activist movement have issued statements of support.

Of course they're gay.

Cushman, who is often taunted and belittled by the Pickers despite her staggering beauty and quick wit, said “I knew it all along, but never said anything because of their miserably fragile egos. I guess they’re stronger than I thought!”

Fritz, the submissive “bear” and megapowerbottom of the couple, has mostly “retreated into his oil can collection,” as rumors of a negative and unsupportive family have spread widely across the Internet. Wolfe, however, seems upbeat and optimistic, just like he always does on TV. Wolfe said, “We’re going to keep on picking, but if you hear a little more lisp when we’re trying to haggle with gays, you’ll know that we aren’t actually just pandering for better prices.”

Thomas Kinkade: Murdered by the Illuminati?

This is a surreal study of temporal space. The houses are rendered on a winter night, their windows glowing with a warm light while smoke billows from chimneys on snowy rooftops. Meanwhile, the outside world appears to be an evening in spring, as flowers bloom and the creek runs full. Also, people in this world are buried in their front yards.

Thomas Kinkade, famed “painter of light,” died on Friday under mysterious circumstances at the age of 54. Early reports from a police autopsy have told a bizarre story: Kinkade died from a polonium 210 poisoning, which is an extremely potent poison lethal in incredibly small doses.

Analysts suggest that only a very well-connected and powerful entity could possibly have access to such a rare poison, prompting a spat of wild speculation. This automatically narrows the field of suspects to governments and supergovernmental organizations such as the Illuminati. But why would the Illuminati have an interest in killing off Thomas Kinkade?

It’s a well-known fact that the vast majority of the Illuminati’s wealth is invested in timeless works of art, and a large proportion of their annual income is derived from copyright claims and the sale of art memorabilia such as posters. By providing such overly popular images, Kinkade actually undercut the Illuminati in the same way Michael Jackson did. Artistic success is a zero-sum game and the Illuminati is always undercut by emerging popular artists.

Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Kobain, Jim Morrison, and Amy Winehouse all died at the age of 27, but Kinkade’s age of death was exactly twice that at 54. Why does the Illuminati work only in intervals of 27? Expert numerologist Angstrom H. Troubadour explained the numeric aspect of this ritual is very important to the Illuminati, and said, “Artistic cleansing is especially significant to their theories about advancing society towards their mystical anti-Christian agenda.”

Selena Gomez dead at 19

Selena Gomez died in a fatal car accident
Selena Gomez was pronounced dead at the scene of a fatal alcohol-related accident.

Los Angeles – Fans mourn the loss of Disney star Selena Gomez, who was pronounced dead in a fatal car crash Friday. According to police on the scene, alcohol is believed to have been a factor in the accident.

Gomez had to be cut loose from the wreckage of her late model Ford Escape Hybrid, which was tangled between a guardrail and telephone pole off Santa Monica Boulevard, authorities said.

“When I see this happening to kids,” explained LAPD’s Deputy Foster, holding back tears, “I wrench up inside. This is a tragedy. They weren’t even old enough to drink or have sex with me.”

Attorneys confirmed profits from Gomez’s new clothing line, “Dream Out Loud by Selena Gomez,” are contractually obligated to absorb into Disney, which has outraged family members seeking comfort from the corporation which capitalized so heavily upon Gomez’s image, at the cost of her life.

The teen starlet, who just recorded a song with heartthrob Justin Bieber, was not alone in the accident. Two others died at the scene, however because they are not famous, and never will be, their names will not be printed here.

Uncomfirmed reports of two other individuals have surfaced amid reports Gomez was cheating on Bieber. Unnamed sources close to the couple indicated the two had “been having problems” but would not comment on the accident, or Gomez’s awesome underage drinking “problem.”

Rick Astley battles accusations of child molestation

Rick Astley
The pop singer of internet stardom has been accused of molesting children.

Astley to give it up?

INTERNET – Rick Astley battles fresh accusations of child molestation, which surfaced Monday on YouTube.

Accusers arrived in full force, leaving graphic remarks surrounding the wretched details of his case.

News broke around 2 a.m. EST after events came to light. Stay tuned, and refresh: we will update this story as details come to light.

The four stages of the Internet Rejection Cycle

Fawning

Usually it all starts with a sickly transparent appeal for the acceptance and affection of a group by a complete outsider. Often the fawning stage is baldly disguised as self-deprecation, but more often it begins as a contrived yet frank attempt to become part of a group. The endorphin rush of acceptance accompanies the act of fawning rather than the acceptance itself.

Denial

Suffering from the contradictory feelings of total rejection and overwhelming delusional acceptance, the rejected outsider’s ego snaps and he or she inevitably posts jocular comments under many different names, always usurping the identities of those who refuse to validate his or her fawning. This is a sad attempt at “play” from an outsider in complete denial of the obvious rejection. I have seen this stage last for months, and the number of handles used by the same individual, “Geo,” reached a record of 63 different “identities.” This list is incomplete, however, and dates from July of 2011. Since then, “Geo” has repeatedly continued through this cycle and added countless nicks to his trophy case of shame.

Aggression

Having finally reconciled the rejection, the subject goes on the attack. The most common statement is something like, “I used to like your group, but you’ve gone way downhill recently.” This stage may also last for months, and often the use of transparent alternate identities will persist, even though the repetitive and absurd comments follow an all-too-easily recognized pattern.

Ragequit

The famously obvious Ragequit is often extremely dramatic, but always entirely meaningless. Sometimes it’s really just a part of the aggression stage and it doesn’t necessarily signify a reset in the cycle. Often saying absurd things like “I’m quitting the Internet” or “I’m never visiting this website again,” the rejected person might even try to portray their rage as a quiet and sad admission to the failure of their fawning, only to revert back to the fawning stage within a few days. (Or a single day in THIS case)

I recently posted a very long work to the secretive and prickly SubGenius newsgroup at the suggestion of a SubGenius friend. Many supporters and detractors of Anonymous found this work a valuable analysis of the stagnant discourse plaguing the nascent Anarchic movement, and much of it was obviously inspired or borrowed from the Book of the SubGenius. Some SubGenii, however, immediately identified this as an act of fawning, and set to the same kind of public shaming I’ve dealt out to “Geo” for the past year. My ironic wit immediately engaged in a rapid-fire parody of the vicious cycle of rejection, but this “Satire and Parody fan club” seemed to have succumbed to dementia and failed to recognize the sarcasm. Sadly, I am now trapped in this cycle and any move will be interpreted as one of the four stages of Internet rejection.

“Keep telling yourself that, pinkboy.” ~ Rev. Ivan Stang