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Categories
Hate

MLA Rules: Academic TYRANNY

So I’ve been looking at academic papers lately and I don’t know what the fuck is going on with citation rules. Has academia gone mad? The RULES have this bizarre inertia that has only RESISTED technology with MORE FUCKING RULES rather than used technology to apply OCCAM’S FUCKING RAZOR.

The MLA, or the FUCKING MODERN LANGUAGE ASSOCIATION has BLOCKED the MOST FUCKING IMPORTANT development in MODERN LANGUAGE for DECADES!!!! I’d tell you it’s all an insane conspiracy, ORWELLIAN to the farthest EXTREME, but it’s got to be complacency or something. Someone out there HAS to have seen this. It couldn’t be more OBVIOUS.

Actual text using the crazy new form of citation known as HTML, or HYPERTEXT:

When writing an MLA formatted document, an academic must create a list of sources, contextualize recommendations of other sources with footnotes, and use numeric reference to their own list of sources. This worked perfectly back in the archaic days of paper, but nowadays it seems like the inertia of power has persisted in bizarre ways that only hampers the quick access of information. There is an entirely new realm of discourse known as hypertext, definitively better than traditional text. According to the MLA rules, italics are only to be used for extreme emphasis and certain titles. Never all-caps. Never HYPERTEXT. Son, those ain’t no complete sentence. F [Imagine this like the last sentence is the teacher writing in bloody red ink after CROSSING OUT your whole fucking sentence like it doesn’t mean SHIT AND FAILING YOU for not following some arbitrary insane rules cooked up by an evil Orwellian-named conspiracy. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!]

Remember, folks, it makes your paper SO MUCH MORE RELIABLE when you use DIFFERENT SOURCES that all tell you the same thing about a nearly static set of pointless authoritarian rules. Just hover over the links there for a second, if you’re still not sure this can work. YOU’LL SEE THE MLA DOCUMENTATION POP UP LIKE FUCKING MAGIC! You’ll see THE FOOTNOTES!!! My god, I wonder how many 60 year old folks on the MLA board of rulemakers have no idea that this kind of thing EVEN EXISTED UNTIL JUST NOW![pullquote]”Oh, those off-color underlined things, so fucking ugly. What the fuck is that? Not part of MY modern language! No SIR!” ~MLA Autocrat Olds Oldington V[/pullquote]

This is probably the reason why most academics despise Wikipedia. Wikipedia has told the MLA to take their rules and fuck ’em! Hypertext will slash your “Modern Language” rules down to a simple set of guidelines that ANY IDIOT can figure out. BUT WE DON’T WANT THEM GETTING TOO SMART, DO WE?

Hypertext is a SIMPLE thing to learn. It’s certainly simpler than the MLA rules. Oh yeah, did I mention it gets rid of all that BILE in brackets AND at the bottom of the page?

FUCK OFF MLA!!!!!

*I know we still need you, partially, for the remainder of time before all written text ever is digitized and freely available in a global public library FOR THE PEOPLE!

May Jesus forgive us of our sins, so that we may spend more of our time with substantive learning, rather than obsessing over antiquated and confusing systems of contextualization.

Amen.

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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism World

North Korean missile shot down

The crew of a Japanese science vessel and many other eyewitnesses have confirmed that North Korea’s “failed” missile launch was actually disrupted by anti-missile defense systems or possibly Aliens. Several described a “streak of light” preceding the break-up of the missile. Whether this was a part of an airborne anti-missile laser system or an alien beam has been disputed, but experts agree that nothing can possibly be known about what these people claim to have seen. Even if video footage surfaces, hoaxing technology has become virtually indistinguishable from reality and it would actually be proof of nothing.

Our secret insiders, pouring through confidential Pentagon computer systems, have found no trace of this military operation, but that is to be expected in a mission with such need for secrecy. One thing the hackers known as the “InFiltrators” did find of interest was the following excerpt from the Ballistic Control Contingency Update Memo.

PENTAGON MEMO 3932098A-F3
BALLISTIC CONTROL CONTINGENCY UPDATE MEMO
1. SHOULD NORTH KOREA ATTEMPT TO TEST BALLISTICS
WITH AN OPENLY ANNOUNCED MISSILE TEST
A. YAL1 IS STATIONED AT OKINAWA AND WILL DEPLOY
B. HAARP WILL GO LIVE AND PROVIDE SECONDARY SUPPORT
C. TERTIARY SUPPORT THROUGH SUBMARINE ABM SYSTEM
2. SURPRISE MISSILE LAUNG ATTEMPT FROM DPRK
A. HAARP HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MOBILIZE WITHIN
EXACTLY ONE MINUTE
B. SENSORS MUST BE PERMANENTLY IN PLACE TO DETECT
MISSILE ACTIVITY
C. SUBMARINE ABM SYSTEMS MUST ALWAYS BE PRESENT IN
SEA OF JAPAN

YAL1 refers to an airborne laser test system capable of destroying ballistic missiles which is mounted on a Boeing 747. Anti-ICBM systems mounted on submarines are previously unheard of, and possibly part of yet another top secret defense plot for total world dominance. It is well-known that HAARP is capable of creating pockets of intense heat anywhere on the globe, and firing them directly in the path of an intercontinental missile will almost always cause a catastrophic structural failure. Certainly, there is no way to defeat the United States in a missile-to-missile nuclear war. However, that is no longer the high ground of the battlefield. The high ground is now cyber.

When World War III breaks out and all the American Military Info Systems start failing, it’s only because the Chinese and Russians have been hiding in them for so long. If Anonymous can get into them, it’s a simple conclusion that powerful states investing nearly infinite resources into cyberwarfare have done much more profoundly damaging things which will be undetectable until it is far too late. Some fringe theorists have suggested that the North Koreans’ failure was actually a result of Pentagon computer hackers sabotaging the missile manufacturing process. This scenario is by far the most likely.

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Categories
Politics

Witnesses: Mitt Romney Masturbates on Hotel Balcony

This photo allegedly shows a nude Mitt Romney engaged in public masturbation.

SPRINGFIELD, CONN. – At 9:00 a.m., passersby in a quiet Connecticut town say they expressed horror and shock at the sight on a hotel balcony of a masturbating middle-aged man,  a man whom they claim to have been been front-runner for the Republican Party presidential nod, Mitt Romney. The cellphone photos they took, which have since ignited a social media firestorm, appear to show the former Massachusetts governor expose himself, “masturbating for all to see.” The balcony height of downtown Springfield’s Marriott  exposed Mr. Romney’s public sex act, they say, to a crowd including children as young as five.

At time of press, there is a poverty of coverage from networks due to the explicit nature of the evidence, and the gravity of the consequences for the Romney campaign. Democratic strategist James Carville today compared the mainstream media’s silence up to this point to the gulf of time between the National Enquirer’s breaking of the John Edwards affair and its widespread entry into public discourse. “It’s just denial,” said Mr. Carville, a former senior campaign adviser to President Bill Clinton.

The Springfield District Attorney’s Office says the presumptive Republican nominee has not been charged with a crime. Mr. Romney reportedly fled the balcony immediately after he was spotted, and no solid video evidence has yet surfaced. However, one witness did capture a blurry photograph which shows the candidate before he turned to re-enter a room.

Analysts suggest this is the end to Romney’s campaign, and Newt Gingrich will likely take the place as front runner after Romney suspends his campaign. Representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Mr. Romney’s religious denomination, released statements to the press saying they are “appalled by the bigotry” of commenters, whose “partisan desperation,” they say, has contributed to an animus to smear the candidate, 65. The release says the church is “dismayed” by crass insinuations “any morning ‘open-air’ masturbation ritual” is a “normal part of Mormon culture.”