Ivan fucking Stang descended directly from Joseph fucking Smith!

Reverend Ivan Stang’s secret lineage revealed by Lebal Drocer Investigative Journalists!

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO – Reverend Ivan Stang, also known as Doug Smith, founded the cult of “Bob,” a “satiric” “parody” (?) religion that has spawned thousands (?) of imitators (?) descended directly from Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism and snake oil religion salesman. A 95-year-old man who once knew someone who knew Joseph Smith revealed that Doug Smith’s long-form birth certificate was in fact a forgery, and the damning paperwork was quickly found by researchers at the Lebal Drocer Institute for Hate and Jealousy.

“Bob” Dobbs was reached for comment and he just smiled like he always does, mocking SubGenius supporters of Mitt Romney for repeating the same joke over and over. Meanwhile, researchers at Lebal Drocer realized that they were “at least” the hundredth or so opposition group to accuse Stang of descending from Joseph Smith.

Lebal Drocer refused to comment, but executives wrote anonymous blog posts and used Twitter sockpuppets to congratulate themselves on their own irony. “It’s like orthodoxy is a heresy when orthodoxy is the only heresy, and heresy is cool,” one tweet read. “We are hoping to destroy the very concept of irony by applying it AFTER the fact, like bad liars,” read another. As usual, Stang’s sockpuppet cultists fired back with terrifying jokes that no sane person would ever be afraid of but nonetheless found horrific anyway regardless as a matter of course.

These “sophisticated” chronic whining fits inspired Stang to write a sequel to the Book of Mormon, or something, rather than waste his days away looking at the reincarnations of the most karmically depraved living out their lives as single-celled organisms he lovingly calls “animalcules.” “Yes, we just don’t find that stuff very interesting or funny,” said one jealous reject from the secret True hidden SubGenius newsgroup.

In response, Lebal Drocer Industries has been hard at work developing a microscope that directly observes viruses destroying Stang’s beloved animalcules at the molecular level. Only the worst of people, like “Bob,” may be reborn as viruses, which explains the rise of HIV after “Bob” was killed back in the ’80s. With a cure for AIDS on the horizon, the rebirth of “Bob” is at hand. Only one thing is certain in these trying times, and that is we are absolutely certain these times are trying too hard.

26 comments to Ivan fucking Stang descended directly from Joseph fucking Smith!

  • Note that Joseph Smith and Brigham Young are both PAID UP members of the Church of the SubGenius!

  • Legume

    Like everyone didn’t already know that. What’s your next big scoop? That he’s got all his limbs?

    • Kilgoar

      Well, LEGUME, I was hoping this would be the last time I’d EVER write about the damned church. I could come up with some absurd story about him “quitting” or “dying” or turning “gay” or possibly even getting “brain cancer,” but nah. That’s ALL you, patsy!

      • Legume

        I hear tell he’s quitting because he’s dying of gay brain cancer in his ass and that he’s going to jail for fraud and for shooting Tupac in an east-west Jew Scientology feud. This is a terrible shame, as he will not only no longer be able to do the Hour of Slack, but will also have to curtail his activities as a pedophile cannibal astronaut.

        I also heard he was getting a haircut this week, and a tattoo on his dick.

        • Kilgoar

          I almost laughed. I get to decide what’s funny HERE, LEGUME, and well, you beat out all these other absolutely PATHETIC attempts. Ankara is obviously trying way too hard, the poet over there with the Fairey “Bob” is a total fail, and STANG, oh, he’s letting his sockpuppets fail for him, as usual. I see why he keeps you close to his dick.

  • AP O'Stacy

    This was excruciatingly boring, and filled with atrocious typos and misspellings.

    • Hello, we’d like to welcome Church of the GubSenius member AP O’Stacy [pseudonym] to the [CHRONICLE.SU] Please [redacted]!

      • born from a fuck

        Christ, I need to indoctrinate my staff better. First of all, delete any comments like these. Second of all, NEVER, EVER, EVER, edit a story because of some jackass comment like this. Third of all, WHOEVER YOU ARE, you’ve OBVIOUSLY NEVER READ THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS AND YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK. SO GET SMART, GET OUT, AND DO NOT “GET IT.”

  • gg gordon

    Pure hallucinatory bullshit sparked by jenkem overdose!

    • born from a fuck

      Listen, whoever you are, and listen WELL. I am going to DECONSTRUCT the SEXIST Book of the SubGenius, and reveal it for the dilettante postmodern LIE that it is.

  • ankara

    HahaHa you said joke

    • born from a fuck

      HEY, BUDDY, LAST TIME YOU MESSED WITH SOMEONE’S MANIFESTO WAS N E V E R. HELL, I DO IT as a matter of course. You should’ve seen the Kopimist cowards after I was done with them. YOU’RE A LACKEY, A PUNK, A MIND-CONTROLLED WEB DEV IRC OPER FREAK WITH NO MIND OF YOUR OWN, afraid of JOKES, and probably a cool guy anyway. Oh, “Bob” is just the coolest cool kid of all time, yeah?

      I ain’t never picked a fight with “Bob,” Stang, or any of you FREAKS AND ANIMALS. YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES. I didn’t want it, but I keep hearing Philip K. Dick’s voice, and HE TOLD ME TO KILL STANG DEAD.

  • I am intrigued by your ideas, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

      • born from a fuck

        Don’t listen to this IDIOT. We know you always wanted in (projection). We know you were INTIMIDATED enough to ban us because we took over your newsgroup and fucked all your groupies, despite the ponderous and rambling essay that is now a cult classic among people who “get it” (NOT YOU!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Christ! I’m in this strange library, and the Transexuals are HITTING ON ME, AND I @@@@LIKE IT@@@@. “God” save us, we don’t have a newsletter, our egos haven’t grown to that proportion QUITE YET, and don’t ask, we won’t write for yours. No way, no how. OH, WE USED OUR CONTACTS WITHIN ANONYMOUS, WE KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW, DON’T !!!!E V E R!!!! LIE TO US.

  • born from a fuck

    JEHOSEPHAT. This has been edited post mortem by FUCK to conform to bullshit AP-style-guideline-indoctrination-funny-killing-hate.

  • wut R fisting-related diseases ¿

  • ankara

    hahaha you thought my dumb post was worth a mention while replying to legume!! I wasnt expecting it to get to you, but that’s cool man everyone gets hung up on things sometimes. Just relax and let your shit flow thru you!

  • Humper

    Kilgoar is a knob-Gobbler.

    • dead from a joke

      homophobe

      • Humper

        I’ve been making homophobic comments ever since I found your site by asking Google if the American Pickers are gay. I jack off to their show, mostly for danielle, but I don’t stop for the rest of the show, so I was just wondering. Also, none of my comments are funny.

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