NORFOLK, VA. — Tuesday, Republican President Candidate Mitt Romney’s second impromptu “relief rally” gathered supplies specifically for naval defense contractors and members of the Republican Party affected by Hurricane Sandy.
Four-thousand-dollar cash handouts were disbursed to naval defense contractors in Norfolk, including leaflets promising future federal grants for shipbuilding and arms construction. Party members in other swing states ravaged by Hurricane Sandy have also been given massive bonuses to deliver canned food and other survival supplies in their last leg of canvasing — but only for those who promise to vote Republican.
“The government can’t create jobs like the private defense industry can,” said the former Massachusetts governor, struggling to energize the base for the polls by November 6th, “but President Obama’s anti-security agenda is placing a stranglehold on the thousands of Virginians struggling to keep their businesses profitable. This disaster is an opportunity. The defense contractors of the Commonwealth of Virginia don’t have time to wait for President Obama’s big-government trickle-down economics.”
Arriving in sport utility vehicles bearing yellow support-our-troops bumper sticks, thousands of the nation’s premier naval armament designers and GOP members came to receive their government handouts. Fifty workers, recently laid off from Freeport, Illinois’ Sensata facility by Bain Capital and replaced by their new Chinese masters, were contracted to load the “precious cargo” of levonorgestrel, whey, “nonbrewed drinks” and bullion into the backs of their respective petrol-guzzling automotive powerhouses.
When servicemen and servicewomen, struggling to relieve themselves of the blight and destruction that Sandy wracked across the Eastern Seaboard, showed up with more modest Dodge Durangos, Former Governor Romney urged them to contact their congressmen for more immediate federal help.
“When big government shakes its head at us,” said Mr. Romney, his gray-freckled hair blown aloft from his temples by the wrath of God, “it’s important that private-sector Americans, the real job creators, bind together to provide a real system of welfare that won’t enable a systemic entitlement culture. Naval contractors of Virginia, brothers and sisters, we’ve got to work together to fight the failed disaster relief policies of this administration!”
The crowd — the men wearing NASCAR sweatshirts and sweatpants; the women bearing the same, only of stitched kittens with balls of yarn — cheered loudly in response.
Kristy Dietrich, a 27-year-old mother of five, expressed her gratitude to the Romney campaign, saying, “I want to thank John Sununu and everybody else in Boston who’s really taken a step out to provide us all of this venture capital. We thought we were going to have to hold off on that fishing trip in early December, but thanks to Mitt we know that we’ll be able to hold onto the family values that keep Americans together.” She added, “Why is it Colin Powell and the rest of them feel like it’s OK to vote for one of them, but when we do it it’s wrong or something? What is going on with this country?”
In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, President Obama’s rightful place as commander-in-chief has been boldly and successfully challenged by Romney’s privately organized relief plan. This has thrown the very necessity of government aid during disaster into question. “Surely if Romney can execute such a masterful relief effort without holding office, there can’t be much reason for him to actually hold office,” said Democratic Strategist Chris Hayes of MSNBC’s “Up with Chris Hayes.”
SEASIDE HEIGHTS, N.J. — The bloated corpse of Snooki was allegedly recovered and then dumped back into the sea Tuesday after the MTV star went missing early Monday evening.
When whaling experts off the Atlantic Coast noticed a disturbance in their dragnets, they claim to have pulled up the bloated, lifeless carcass of Jersey Shore starlette Nicole Elizabeth Polizzi the reality television “actress” widely known as Snooki.
Coast Guard Captain Jacob Funkhouser, who found the body, said he could not believe his eyes. And since this particular whaling expedition was a capitalist venture, Funkhouser said, there was just not enough space in the hold of the S.S. Bismarck and jettisoned her stinking, lifeless body.
It was definitely her.
Captain Jacob Funkhouser, S.S. Bismarck
Internet Chronicle reporters interviewed Funkhouser on the deck of the S.S. Bismarck. “It was definitely her,” Funkhouser told reporters, slamming a defiant fist down on the platform where he sat. “Even though it was all purple and puffy, I’d recognize that face anywhere. Now that I look back on it, we could’ve made more money selling the corpse back to her filthy rich guido family than I’d get from a big, juicy Sperm whale.”
Though he lamented losing the chance to capitalize on her fame, Funkhouser said he does not regret the decision to jettison Snooki’s body, saying “America dumped Bin Laden, so I did the same for Snooki.”
Snooki leaves behind an infant child whose birth raised controversy after critics labeled her a “negligent monster . . . incapable of motherhood.” (NY Times, 2011)
Known for drinking and getting punched in the face by better people, Snooki capitalized on a baffling book deal that was displayed prominently in bookstores alongside, or ahead of, the works of sociologist Cornell West, popular scientist Niel DeGrasse Tyson and satirist David Sedaris.
It is unknown how Snooki was initially blown out to sea. Sources close to the reality TV star said she was drinking profusely during a Hurricane Sandy welcoming party, and disappeared in her Scion Monday night, a car known to float in less than six inches of water. Authorities have declared her a missing person but are currently occupied with more important recovery efforts.
SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — HURRICANE SANDY HAS SWEPT THE NORTHEAST, LEAVING A TRAIL OF INCOMPARABLE DESTRUCTION. A COMBINATION OF HIGH TIDE AND STORM SURGE HAS FLOODED THE MONTAUK AND OYSTER CREEK NUCLEAR FACILITIES, NOW REPORTEDLY AT SUPERCRITICAL MASS. MELTDOWN IS IMMINENT, AND AREA RESIDENTS ARE BEING FORCEFULLY EVACUATED TO NEARBY FEMA CAMPS.
THE CONEY ISLAND HOSPITAL HAS CAUGHT FIRE AND THE FDNY IS UNABLE TO RESPOND BECAUSE BRIDGES HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN DUE TO HIGH WINDS AND FLOODING.
UPDATE: THIS CONEY ISLAND FIRE RUMOR MAY HAVE BEEN A HOAX BUT THE ANNOUNCEMENT IT IS A HOAX MAY ITSELF BE A HOAX. THERE IS TOO MUCH MAYHEM TO TELL. HACKERS MAY HAVE INFILTRATED THE TWITTER ACCOUNTS OF ALL LOCAL AUTHORITIES. TRUST NOTHING BUT THE INFALLIBLE CHRONICLE.SU
FACILITIES HOUSING NUCLEAR WEAPONS HAVE BEEN FLOODED, AND SCIENTISTS FEAR AN ACCIDENTAL DETONATION DUE TO THE NEUTRON-INSULATING PROPERTIES OF SALT WATER.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME UNLESS IT IS ON FIRE OR IN THE DIRECT GAMMA RADIATION ZONE OF THE NUCLEAR INCIDENTS, AND THEN ONLY WITH USE OF A RADIATION SUIT. A MAKESHIFT RADIATION SUIT MAY BE CONSTRUCTED WITH DUCT TAPE AND ALUMINUM FOIL. RESCUE TEAMS HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO MOBILIZE SO THE NATIONAL GUARD AND THE FEMA YOUTH CORPS HAVE BEEN ACTIVATED. MARTIAL LAW HAS BEEN DECLARED IN 14 STATES. COOPERATE WITH FEMA IMMEDIATELY OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.
INTERNET — ‘N Sync, famed “Boy Band” heart-throbs of the ’90s, have signed on for a Summer 2013 tour to span the whole Western Hemisphere. J.C. Chasez denied rumors of such a reunion tour earlier this year, and other members have made similar statements to the media in the past. It is not immediately clear what changed the musicians’ minds, but some industry specialists speculate the explosive interest in second-hand copies of their albums in developing countries may be a reason for the reunion.
Especially under the repressive dictatorships of Rafael Correa and Hugo Chavez, ‘N Sync is finding thousands of new South American fans every day. “It’s like the ’90s just hit Venezuela, and the kids there can’t get enough of ‘N Sync. Perhaps the lighthearted bubblegum R&B gives the downtrodden and oppressed a vision of greener pastures,” said Ursula Fulton, pop culture expert at New York University’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development.
Members of ‘N Sync are yet to comment on the upcoming tour, but the aged fans at home in America are absolutely excited at the prospect of a nostalgic reliving of the halcyon days of the ’90s, when all was right with the world.
SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — North Americans are glued to their TV sets as they watch two powerful storm systems converge, in real time, over a large portion of the Eastern Seaboard known to be inhabited by white people.
Weather.com’s Shep Shepard reported live from the beachfront where water and foam sprayed up onto the boardwalk. “We’ve never seen anything like it, John. Never before have Americans witnessed a storm so potentially threatening to the security of middle-class whites.”
Water and power outages could mean days or even a week without access to Reddit, except on a smartphone, which Southern Manhattan and Park Slope residents complain is inconvenient.
“It’s downright patronizing,” said New Jersey man Ryan Johnson. “I refuse to zoom in on every comment.”
Area whites complain that without access to water, they could be forced to go days without showering. Brooklyn resident Sherry Melville said the storm couldn’t have come at a worse time. “When sitting alone in a dark house, we need to feel clean all the time. I just feel so, y’know, ugh! I’m going to take a long bath soon, just in case.”
President Barack Obama showed leadership Sunday when he used a string of official-sounding words on the radio, putting his white constituency at ease and ensuring the FEMA vote. Area whites were ordered to evacuate or else stay indoors. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters Monday and said, “As if they were planning on going outside, the president has asked New York and New Jersey residents to remain indoors. We ask that you refresh his Twitter feed for instant updates on what he is doing for you.”
It is unclear what trajectories Hurricane Sandy and the cold front moving in from the west may take, but authorities have already come forward and promised to renovate many parts of Northern Virginia, even those areas untouched by Hurricane Sandy to be sure Macy’s and Best Buys in the area go unaffected in preparation for Black Friday.This message brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own everything that matters.
NEW YORK — Fifteen-year-old Amanda-Todd-Wannabe Felicia Garcia jumped in front of a train after vicious bullying, following her appearance in a football team gangbang video passed around her high school. The male members of the gangbang were greeted with high fives and mute admiration from school teachers who saw the video. Over 200 of Garcia’s classmates were present at the suicide.
Knowing, from the example of Amanda Todd, that her death would lead to unlimited posthumous social acceptance in the face of bottomless rejection by the repressive sex-negative culture of America, Garcia threw herself into the train with cold confidence, by all accounts.
This is yet more undeniable proof that a firm clampdown on freedom of speech should take place immediately. Young girls are going to start dropping off like lemmings because of this totally brand-new phenomenon of “slut-shaming” that never existed before Anonymous comments on the Internet. The oncoming string of teenage suicides has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the worship of Amanda Todd.
DETROIT, MICH. — Joseph Bruce, aka Violent J, founding member of the Insane Clown Posse, released a statement to fans Friday canceling further tour dates pending his recovery from skin cancer. Doctors say the cancer was caused by carcinogens in the oil-based “dark carnival” style face paint, which Bruce wore at home and for all public appearances.
Oncologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said, “Sadly, the face paint not only caused the skin cancer but it also hid the tell-tale signs of growth before the tumor became deadly. Violent J is putting up a strong fight, but at this stage his chances of survival are slim.”
Over the course of a year, the survival rate for skin cancer that has progressed to this stage on the face is estimated at about 10 percent. “We’re hoping for a magical miracle,” said Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp, Bruce’s babies’ momma.
Shaggy 2 Dope, another member of the Insane Clown Posse rap group, stated “I’m switchin’ to motherfuckin’ safe face paints from now on. All you other juggalos out there, spray-paintin’ yourselves ‘n shit, y’all need to get real. Clown makeup ain’t no joke no more. Woop woop!”
Fans of the Insane Clown Posse were recently declared a gang by the FBI, and crimes by so-called “Juggalos” now carry extra sentences in some urban areas.
After an embarrassingly forced visit to a soup kitchen, Paul Ryan failed to accrue more votes for himself and aspiring war criminal Mitt Romney.
On his way out, Ryan encountered a free black man. Ryan then demanded the Uncle Tom’s name, but refused to stop and talk with him.
Bill Murray is also known for “crashing parties” by showing up to wash random homeowners’ dishes, but Paul Ryan has found that a demeaning tone, paired with not actually washing any dishes, goes over just as well as he doesn’t care that day about anything going on around him.
“I’m Paul Ryan. Glad to meet you.”
“Glad to meet you too.”
Born and raised here, are you really? Cool. I’m from a town, similar, called Weansley.
Similar to what?
Ryan walks away while the man was still talking to him.
Amanda Todd never died; she transcended the mortal plane to become The Patron Saint of Internet Meme Suicide.
Her viral video, I’m sure, is a perfectly fair and balanced account of her life which spread like a disease through the internet only as a consequence of how true it was. Nothing suspicious about it at all.
In death, she is a sacred celebrity, the most valued of human beings, and her enemies are being punished. This can’t all be by design, of course. Innocent young women would never create emotionally manipulative videos. Amanda Todd’s salacious underage topless pics, which were oh-so-innocent, are more widely distributed than she could have ever imagined. She has both exacerbated and escaped her nightmare scenario, bringing a whole new suicide format back from beyond death.
“Oh, isn’t that sad suicide note video just awful?” Retweet. Share. Like. Repost. “Those bastards who drove her to post this video are to blame.” ~ The People Who Are Really To Blame.
You gullible pieces of shit.
Do you not realize what you’ve done? Now every fucking time some depressed, attention starved teenage suicide video goes viral, the millions of views will be a measure of how much you are to fucking blame for every girl who is inspired to copy her.
This isn’t even the beginning.
Amanda Todd felt “like a joke in the world,” and now she’s a bigger joke than any other suicide in the history of the human race. She’s died to bring forth the rotten fruit of social media suicide fame.