Karl Rove Commits Suicide at 61

DALLAS–Wednesday, Former White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove was found dead in his home. The Dallas Police Department reported acute asphyxiation as the cause of death but do not suspect foul play. Known to George W. Bush as the “Architect,” Rove was Senior Advisor to the Bush Administration. He was 61 years old.

Rove’s social media team and Chronicle.SU, both subsidiaries of Lebal Drocer, worked together to announce Rove’s untimely and tragic death.

Rove is known for inventing the newest enhancement to democracy, micro-targeting. Squads of specially trained arguers use cold reading techniques taken from phone psychics and latch on to the issues that the person cares about most. After locating the wedge-issue, they launch into one of several dozen specially-designed speeches said to convert nine out of ten voters to the Republican Party.

Former Governor Mitt Romney’s campaign spent nearly three hundred billion dollars on a micro-targeting campaign directed by Rove. Speaking angrily of Rove, Romney barked at the reporter from the Internet Chronicle, “The president’s campaign, if you will, focused on giving targeted groups a big gift. [Rove] made a big effort on small things.”

Rove’s legacy as a political consultant, the truest kind of free-market democrat, will live on through his latest book “Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative in the Fight,” which is available now at a discounted rate from Lebal Drocer, Inc.

 

 

4 comments to Karl Rove Commits Suicide at 61

  • frederick jameson

    there is much more to this story. Dallas police are being pressured to treat Rove’s death as a suicide,but there is growing evidence that foul play was involved. staffers at crossroads usa report that a large and vitriolic pool of disgruntled contributors to romney’s campaign had been flooding their offices with hate mail and death threats. additionally,freelance reporters in the Dallas area have uncovered numerous patrons and employees of the underground Dallas b&d clubs, where evidently rove had been frequenting in recent weeks,who claim that rove was in very good spirits and had been making plans for the future. look deeper.

  • Fobby Pritt

    i think this chap deserved a wacking

  • DEEPTHROAT

    Wishful thinking!

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