Sup fellow dudes? Have you noticed a slimy feeling in your chest? Does it feel like you got herpes on your lungs? Yeah, that’s you gettin’ sick, bro.
It’s probably time to lay down the bong for a minute and just chill out on some acid instead, or something that doesn’t bother your lungs, like Quaaludes.
Back in the land before time, old people used to give whiskey to little kids and it would cure their cough. Now that you’re an adult, you no longer need smelly old people, or their war stories. Now you can pick up a case of Miller Lite or a 40-ounce bottle of medicine at your closest 7-Eleven. It’s the way they did it in olden times. Though there are more effective methods of treating the flu, chugging forties gives you the most bang for your buck. You feel better, AND you feel better!
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur, a real doctor, recommends shotgunning twelve-ounce medicine canisters by stabbing a blade into the aluminum can and sucking around the hole you made. As you guzzle beer, your body naturally battles the poisons applied to your liver, giving your immune system the boost it needs to combat serious ailments such as:
SEASONAL FLU SYMPTOMS
Ask your “doctor” today!
THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU GRACIOUSLY BY LEBAL DROCER, INC. WE OWN EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS.
Anarchy, in Sid Meyer’s Civilization video game series, is a state of upheaval where government is temporarily unable to provide cities with logistical bonuses. Although the absence of government is the most common meaning given for Anarchy, there are others.
“Anarchy is the natural state without the modernized cultural spin. It is what we truly are and how we actually behave . . . anarchy is human nature.” ~ Rachel Haywire — Attack The System dot com
Pure Anarchy, here, is a universal force embedded in human nature which rejects coercive social pressures. It is not only a force, but a primordial state existing outside of culture. It is the idealized individuality of the motherless Padmasambhava.
The common definition of Anarchy gives way to the stereotypical Anarchist bomber who simply wants to create a lapse in government through violence. Of course, like most people, very few Anarchists are violent. Not only that, but there is disagreement about which kinds of governance are benign and which must be abolished. Left-Anarchists may see Capitalist power as the primary coercive force, whereas Anarcho-Capitalists see Democracy as the major offender. In either case, both sides acknowledge the necessity of one flavor of coercion or another, in order to reach a maximized state of liberty. These kinds of Anarchists regularly use coercion, such as transgressive speech acts or traffic disruptions, in an attempt to decrease the sum total of coercion.
“The heavens and the earth are not partial to institutionalized morality.” ~ Lau Tzu — Dao De Jing
Existence as a social animal implies coercion. Seemingly, the only way to escape the social situation is death or exile, and moral codes founded on non-coercion quickly become a platform for coercion. This Pure Anarchy is not an end that can be attained through sustained effort but rather an ideal means. To be an Anarchist, in this sense, is profound way-making, nothing short of enlightenment.
“The ends justify the means.” ~ Niccolò di Bernardo dei Machiavelli
Anarchocrats, a purposefully derisive neologism, are Anarchists with an endgame. These are the mad bombers, the Left-Anarchist communal ideologues, and the Anarcho-Capitalist profit-utopians. Anarchocrats are instrumentalists; they believe ideology can only succeed when coercively imposed on the whole of society. Then the sheeple will see the light! Only the Anarchocrats are trying to coerce people into non-coercion, something has short-circuited, and somehow through some bizarre self-deception they’ve convinced themselves this could possibly work. If only they got more people on the streets shouting, if only somehow conditions got worse! Then! Then we’ll find Anarchocrats everywhere!
There seems to be little wisdom in adopting a label that is commonly understood as violent and dangerous. Still, it’s a real cool mark of a true counter-cultural revolutionary to proclaim oneself an Anarchist and take all the oh-so-misunderstood negative denotations and connotations which come with it. Sheep in wolves’ clothing are nothing new, a get-up which inspires fear. It’s a quick ego boost and a rush of power, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with non-coercion.
INTERNET — Paula Broadwell, embattled mistress and biographer of David Petraeus, sent threatening anonymous emails to Jill Kelley including several common threats used by the hacking collective Anonymous.
Analyst Angstrom H. Troubador suggests Paula Broadwell has the kind of access to top-secret files that Anonymous has only dreamed of until now, and commented, “She most likely leaked the really good stuff that Bradley Manning couldn’t even get to. That new TYLER program, it’s pretty slick. Anyone can get away with leaks now! That shit’s made by occultist cryptographers. Real serious business.”
“We are Anonymous. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us, Jill Kelley.” ~ Paula Broadwell
The FBI investigation has turned up no evidence of leaks, as would be expected, but rumors have caused the Pentagon to grind to a halt, as computer experts comb through billions of wires for traces of Paula Broadwell and her threatening Anonymous communications.
Earlier this year, around the time that Petraeus and Broadwell were breaking off their affair, Kelly began receiving anonymous emails, which she found so threatening she went to authorities. The FBI traced the messages, which have been linked to the hacking collective Anonymous, to Broadwell’s computer, where they found other salacious and explicit emails between Broadwell and Petraeus that made it clear to officials that the two were carrying on an affair.
SMALL CHILDREN EVERYWHERE HAVE BRISTLED AT THE BARK OF GUNFIRE. EACH DAY, YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS REMORSELESSLY ANNOUNCE THE BOMBINGS OF VILLAGES, AND THEY HAVE HEARD THE CRIES OF DYING MEN THEY MUST IGNORE.
But are they ready for the EXPANSION PACK?
Snap into RAGEMODE with anonymous rednecks everywhere through five channel full virtual surround sound and ORDER YOURSELF A MURDER.
THIRST FOR BLOOD-RED MURDER THIS HOLIDAY SEASON WITH Aftermath™ – A REALISTIC WAR SIMULATOR OF ACTION AND VIOLENCE!
DO YOUR DUTY, PEPSI-CHILDREN, AND GET ON THAT FUCKING BATTLEFIELD.
EPOXY FUMES — Earlier Friday Evening, Nobody believed Miley could have sexed Psy and Bieber who gave her cancer. Then she died, and the results were released to the Internet forever.
Sex gives them the cancer. Now Miley has the cancer and she will die. Hannah Montana is dead from cancer. This is because she had sex with Psy. Justin Bieber Died from Sex with Selena ‘Cancer’ Gomez. She had sex with Psy. He had sex with Bieber.
Hannah Montana ALWAYSHated Miley Cyrus. “That pretentious little stuck up bitch!” she once said while the cameras were still rolling. It is a viral video on youtube. If you can’t find it, that’s only because they enforced their hegemonic copyright corporation machine.
And then all the little children started rattling off insane references to Baudrillard and Foucault. “The panopticon!” they screamed, whenever their parents tried to take their pictures. “Get that simulacra machine away from us, you conniving hegemons!” Kids.
The first graders started crying loudly of the fallacy of authority, as the exasperated teacher conspired with the weaklings among them forcing a hypnotic nap session. She bought them off with ice cream and hugs. Democracy is the enemy.
Kanye West was a Gold Digger.
Diesel prices are bottoming out.
Driners, Dive-in and Drives with Gay Fairy
Soviet Union Domain Lobbyists Ask Chronicle For Public Support
Why are “they” still maintaining Soviet Union Domains?
LANGLEY, VA. — CIA bigwig David Petraeus admitted to an extramarital affair with biography-mistress Paula Broadwell, who is now under FBI investigation for snooping through his emails. Internal documents obtained from the FBI and the Office of Senator David Vitter (R-LA) reveal that “Mrs.” Broadwell was likely employed by the notorious “D.C. Madam,” who “hung herself” in suspicious circumstances.
“Clearly,” said the embittered ex-general, who spearheaded a collaboration with Moqtada al-Sadr, “she connived her way into my pants to destroy the good name of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.”
“Broadwell,” which is the biographer’s racy nom de plume, is an outspoken advocate for soldiers suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). “There is a 30 percent increase in sex crimes among those affected by this epidemic,” “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “told” “reporters” “this summer.”
Faced with the fact that the CIA director was himself the victim of an elaborate media honeypot operation, Mr. Petraeus opined that “Mrs.” Broadwell’s body was “the ultimate weapons system–a Mayeresque wonderland.” Indeed senior Defense Department sources have confirmed to Business Insider that “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “got her claws . . . into him.”
HOLLY PETRAEUS: “I have cervical cancer.”
The general’s announcement of his resignation comes amid a time of great turmoil for his family, as his wife and veteran advocate Holly Petraeus announced her October diagnosis of late-stage cervical cancer, which her oncologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, says is linked to a case of HPV contracted in December 2011. “This time,” said Mrs. Petraeus in tears from the front stoop of her Northern Virginia home, “David has really invaded the wrong gulf.”
“Holly has been looking at that yellow wallpaper too long and is in hysterics. How can you get HPV and be in a late-stage cancer less than a year later? What the fuck? What ‘weapons system’ did that to my wife?” asked a desperately prevaricating Mr. Petraus to a crowd of leering network journalists.
“I was just spending so much time with the troops and their families,” added Mrs. Petraeus. “I think he got suspicious, jealous.”
“The most common way of contracting HPV is from unprotected sex,” said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, rumored to be on his way out at the conclusion of the first Obama term, adding, “So who did she get it from? The troops and their families? From Mrs. Broadwell via her husband?” The Freedom of Information Act may prevent the truth from coming out for as long as 50 years.
MoveOn.org, who in 2007 ran an anti-American ad questioning the decision to maintain a heavy troop presence to defend freedom by occupying Iraq, says that it now plans to insult the patriotic former CIA director, kicking him while he is down.
AS SOON AS OBAMACARE REALLY KICKS IN, THE “GAME” WILL BE OVER.
“LET’S HOPE THEY JUST GO HOME” ~ KARL ROVE
IT’S ALREADY OVER!
THEY’RE PAYING FOR VOTES!
THEY CHEATED THE CONSTITUTION!
VERY LATE TERM ABORTION IS NOW LEGAL.
KILL YOUR CHILD LEGALLY–UP TO THE AGE OF 4!
IT’S ALREADY LEGAL!
YOU CAN THANK THE BABYKILLING MESSIAH-COMMUNIST! SURELY, CERTAINLY, UNDENIABLY HE IS DEFINITELY THE ONE FORETOLD BY REVELATIONS. THE ANTI-ONE.
WE WERE SURROUNDED BY THE REPUBLICANS.
JEEP HAS MOVED ITS JOBS AWAY IMMEDIATELY
OBAMA IS BAD FOR BUSINESS
GUANTANAMO IS A PARADISE
SHARIA LAW IS CREEPING
HOW ON EARTH CAN A FAKE CITIZEN BE PRESIDENT FOR 8 YEARS?
“Obama forged his documents and refused donating five million of my dollars to charity through his neglect to release invasive personal documents. Do not trust this man, he is a Manchurian Candidate installed by Soviets. The bastards are trying to put me out of business!” said Donald Trump while the microphone was still on during a speech Tuesday evening. He was red-faced and his comb-over fell all apart.
WE SPOKE WITH ROMNEY
“GOD BLESS AMERICA? GOD DAMN AMERICA! WE’RE DAMNED!
WESTBORO BAPTIST HAS PICKETED THEMSELVES FOR BEING FAGGOTS.
THE HIPPIE SONS OF BITCHES IN COLORADO AND WASHINGTON CAN NOW SMOKE MARIJUANA LEGALLY. GET OUT OF THERE WHILE YOU STILL CAN. THEY’RE ALL STONED! STONED!
WE’VE GOT A HOMOSEXUAL ARMY.
THE CHEMTRAILS ARE TURNING US HOMOSEXUAL.
THAT IS HOW POPULATION CONTROL WORKS
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS!
WHY CAN’T YOU ALL JUST VOTE FOR RON FUCKING PAUL?
THEY LEGALIZED MARIJUANA ANYWAY.
TRICKLE DOWN GOVERNMENT DOESN’T WORK.
AND THE TROLLS, OH THE TROLLS! THEY MADE THAT GIRL SUICIDE WITH THEIR ALTERNATE REALITY GAMING!
ARLINGTON, VA. – A piece of heavy U.S. munitions, made famous by a mistakenly published 2001 Associated Press photo, exploded Sunday in Kandahar province, Afghanistan, after being buried for 10 years, killing two civilians.
In response Afghan President Hamid Karzai expressed broader concerns about unexploded ordnance in his country. During its daily briefing Monday Defense Department sources cautioned that the accidental detonation of 2,000-pound Joint Direct Attack Munition Guided Bomb Unit-31 represented a rare circumstance related to the Afghans’ greater weights, characteristic of males, as well as the close proximity of their respective pressures upon the buried warhead.
“As always we are enormously sorry for any and all civilian casualties and take great pains to avoid them,” read Pentagon Press Secretary George Little from a statement. “These deaths play no part in winning hearts and minds in the struggle to train Afghans to defend their own sovereignty, and we extend our sympathies to the families of those involved.”
Asked about what could have led to the spontaneous detonation of the bomb, Mr. Little detailed the findings of Army investigators. Pentagon teams, working round the clock, concluded that the two Afghans likely triggered the dormant bomb through a mutual stamping on precise locations on the sand above the bomb.
“Military police,” said Mr. Little, “suggest that coordinated fouetté jetés, perhaps synchronized revoltades, or maybe just the conclusion of an old-fashioned set of skips, caused the deadly explosion — the civilian men of course holding hands, their fingertips in all likelihood resting on each other’s middle phalanxes.”
The bomb gained fame in 2001 for a photograph the Associated Press’s Jockel Finck took aboard the USS Enterprise of graffito scrawled along its surface: “High jack this fags.” AP Spokesman Jack Stokes apologized for the “journalistic error” of the publishing’s pulling back the curtain on institutional homophobia, explaining “the picture never should have gotten through, and nobody should have seen it.”
Speaking with Joshua Hammer, special to the International Herald Tribune, Shorabak district elders described the lives of the Afghan casualties — Haji Olumi, 40, and Khalid Mohammed, 18 — the ostracism their relationship received under the brutal reign of the Taliban, and very recently, the acceptance of their partnership. Said Sayyad Sabri, “Before the blessed arrival of NATO in 2001 we used to persecute the lovers all the time — throwing stones at them, threatening to kill them. But due to the tireless humanitarian enlightenment provided by our moral saviors, the International Security Assistance Force — spurred on by liberal lights in the darkness, such as Amnesty International — we had gradually grown to accept them.”
“Mr. Sabri began to speak again but abruptly choked up thinking about Olumi and Mohammed, trying to hide tears behind his simple burlap sleeves. ‘But now this. But now this! Right when we had learned to accept them. It is as though God does not wish for us to ever forget our national shame for the attacks of 9/11.’”
Speaking to The Internet Chronicle, an associate for U.S.-based military contractor DynCorp recalled meeting Mr. Mohammed in 2009 while the man served as “bacha bazi” entertainer on the company dime. Although Mr. Mohammed’s face is since obscured by mutilation from the Operation Enduring Freedom munition, the associate, who used to conduct house-to-house searches in Kandahar province, said he recognized the young man. “The darkened room was really smokey at the time, and I guess he was wearing a little less makeup a few years back,” said the DynCorp associate, as he leaned to squint at the autopsy photo on the marble-top coffee table in his McLean, Virginia living room. “But no doubt that’s the guy. A damn shame what happened to him. He had a great body. I’ll never forget the beautiful jingling of all those bells they made him wear.”
“What exactly is wrong with the fag bomb?” asked Washington Post Columnist Hank Stuever in 2001. “Wrong, that is, besides the typos,” he arrogantly continued in prudish contempt for naval enlistees, as well as obliviousness to the manual intercourse allusion. Mr. Stuever, who coined the term “fag bomb,” conducted an interview with an Admiral Stephen Pietropaoli in 2001, during which the officer characterized the slur as “not up to our standards,” despite a contemporaneous policy of systematic bigotry throughout military branches (although notoriously almost never having been enforced in the Navy).
Only slightly lower down the bastions of the socialist media, Katherine Mulvaney, then at elite Southwest Texas State University’s Daily University Star, offered her pity and condescension regarding the mind-set of U.S. servicemen. The average enlistees, Ms. Mulvaney explained, were “young kids, many or most of them without a college education, so inarticulate, they are driven to use playground epithets to express their rage over the terrorist attacks.” She wrote that Southwest Texas University’s “comfortable and enlightened” surroundings provided her due objectivity and insight through the fog of war. With a prophesying telepathy — possessed only by the likes of Edgar Cayse or L. Ron Hubbard — of the tolerant 2011 military to come, the columnist concluded, “Let’s worry about winning the war right now. We can civilize our fighters later, when the bigger job is done.”
In 2001 the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy was still well-known among front-line troops for upholding morale, instilling group solidarity and for suppressing what Joint Chiefs of Staff Chair Martin Dempsey termed “nearly inevitable bromance.” Before the discontinuation of “don’t ask, don’t tell” servicemen could reliably bathe, defecate or even masturbate in each other’s presence, assured that any homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, transgenders or hermaphrodites nearby were either actively lying, conspicuously silent about intimate partners past and present, or lacking the emotional intelligence to recognize, daresay articulate, their own deepest urges.
JACKSONVILLE, FLA. – Speaking from the deck of his personal boat, Tea Party Candidate for President Grady Warren, who received an early 2011 endorsement from The Internet Chronicle , outlined a daring plan to fight big government. Through the instatement of “re-education camps” targeted at at-risk members of the youth population too ne’er-do-well to serve as janitors in their high schools, Mr. Warren’s plan will see a brighter future.
“That future is out there,” said Mr. Warren. “It is waiting for us. Our children deserve it. Our nation depends on it. The peace and freedom of the world require it. And with your help we will deliver it. Let us begin that future for America tonight.”
The National Education Association, he explained on his fishing vessel, “Little Skippy,” is in fact a money-laundering criminal organization, a tyrannical behemoth serving as the iron fist of the virtually omnipotent teachers’ lobby. Over the course of President Obama’s first term public school teachers have seen their collective bargaining rights enhanced and expanded, and their nominal salaries rise to levels unseen since the close of World War II. U.S. schools currently pay teachers exorbitantly, with compensation and pensions far higher than in any other industrialized nation.
Speaking in a comfortable pair of shoes from a Madison, Wisconsin picket line February 17, 2011 President Obama expounded upon his own proto-fascist ideology: “The United States is the greatest nation on earth. Therefore as long as I am its president its teachers will receive no salary, no wage lower than any other nation’s.”
Mr. Warren’s visionary plan, endorsed by North Carolina State Professor Kamau Kambon and Democratic Strategist Melissa Harris-Perry, would pulverize the NEA’s unholy jackboot at the tarsals. The five-point Warren plan for Small-Government Education Success is simple:
1. Re-open military bases and allow any serviceman or servicewoman forced away post-BRAC to return to the more convenient location.
2. Utilize 2010 census data to locate households containing (or likely to shield) impoverished teenage or young adult black males.
3. Conduct a poll of the Tea Party Caucus mailing list of Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) on the nature of what constitutes an “American man” and have the Defense Department develop a curriculum based on these scientific findings.
4. Use the new, improved National Defense Authorization Act’s powers to detain all targets.
5. Transfer all targets to the re-education centers, each target’s designated center decided by lottery.
Mr. Warren’s five-point plan, which Redditors have likened to the plot of “Bioshock Infinite,” undermined Mitt Romney’s southern strategy throughout the summer. Mississippi Republican voters, for instance, of whom a plurality are opposed to the legality of interracial marriage, were seduced by the Tea Party candidate’s smoother hair and moral fortitude. “We were worried when we heard Mr. Romney was wearing that blackface on Univision,” said Gloria Porter, 29, of Jackson. Her husband, Bobby Porter, his crossed arms moving abruptly between her and this reporter, said he was concerned that Mr. Romney was encouraging “race-mixing.”
As a consequence of the poll damage Anonymous candidate Grady Warren was doing in the South, Mr. Romney released four attack ads that targeted Mr. Warren’s plan to entice legally present ethnic minorities into sanctuary cities. Bill Murphy, social media director for the Romney campaign who has previously warned Americans about the oncoming black-on-white race war, told The Washington Times September 22 that Mr. Warren’s plan to actually offer cash assistance to “incent the lowest rungs of the 47 percent rabble” was barely an improvement on President Obama’s own wealth redistribution schemes. Added Mr. Murphy, “Americans aren’t fooled by the Warren bait-and-switch of offering security while encumbering job creators with these cash allowances, which are extracted through force. Why should Americans have to pay the race pimps and class warriors to go away?”
In April 2011 Grady Warren received The Internet Chronicle’s endorsement after he made clear that America’s wealthiest are not only powerfully independent and self-sustaining but also victims of everyone else.
President Barack Hussein Obama II, whom the ivory tower elites have designated to glide to victory on the backs of the Houston chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, may be able to rig enough electronic voting machines in Ohio, Colorado, Florida, Virginia and Pennsylvania. But Real America will know that Mitt Romney was the real winner.
Larry Sabato, director of the University of Virginia Center for Politics, said Monday it is possible that Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney may very well win the popular vote, as Al Gore did in 2000, while ultimately losing the electoral vote. “Abercrombie & Fitch clothiers throughout the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area,” he said, “are bracing for hordes of Caucasian looters and rioters.” Korean American proprietors of free-standing Disney Stores are taking special precautions, knowing that European Americans may prove not only zealous, but also sufficiently well-armed, to attempt to make off with golden era anti-Semitic merchandise from the “Disney Vault.”
TUSKEGEE, AL. — Dissidents inside the Obama administration have unveiled sinister plans, at considerable risk to their lives, which detail a widespread conspiracy both to suppress Republican voting and deny Romney’s likely inauguration.
Should the so-called “oath-keepers,” a group of freedom-loving servicemen dedicated to the American Constitution, rise up against Obama’s regime, a detailed plan will be put in place to ensure Barack Hussein Obama’s agenda.
Firstly, the Tuskegee Airmen will “lock down” the airspace above America. This all-black group of Obama loyalists will instantly disable all air defenses and establish a no-fly zone over American territory. With command over the air, any organized insurgents on the ground will be easily eliminated through the use of drones. At this time, NDAA will be put into full effect and all FEMA camps will be activated. Most conservative Americans will be imprisoned before the reprogramming and subsequent massacre.
Next, Sharia Law will be put in place. All police forces will be disbanded nationwide and replaced with FEMA youth corps, who are a highly militant, well-trained body represented disproportionately by Leftist Blacks and Latinos loyal to Obama. The judicial system will be replaced with a hierarchy of local and regional Imams who will likely implement the death penalty for practice of Christianity.
Finally, Obama will solidify his alliance with Chinese and Arab countries. The purpose of this “alliance” will be to “spread the wealth” around the globe, especially to those countries which do the least work. No longer will America be the greatest country, but rather, it will be the global welfare and entitlement provider.
With nowhere else to turn, Loyal Americans will have to side with Europeans and Australians who are already struggling under Sharia Law. With the whole might of the American Empire at the hands of a Muslim, there is very little hope left for Freedom and Liberty.