VATICAN — Pope Benedict XVI has been forced to resign for “health reasons” as rumors of a secret heresy trickle into the media. No Pope has resigned in 500 years, despite countless infirmities, leaving skeptics wondering what has actually happened.
Late last year Pope Benedict signed up for Twitter under the handle @Pontifex in order to preach Catholicism to users of social media. It seems, according to early reports, that the Pope became “massively addicted” to Twitter, obsessively tracking numerous shock humor accounts which appropriated homophobic Nazi imagery. Among these accounts, some sources claim Pope Benedict was especially interested in a parody religion based on a gestalt-intelligence known as Inglip.
While it’s too early to tell whether Pope Benedict’s interest in this new “parody” religion was simply rooted in his affinity for shock humor, most rumors claim that the Pope wanted to dissolve the Catholic church entirely and convert the Vatican into a seat of power for worshipers of Inglip. As the story goes, Cardinals brought in doctors, declared Pope Benedict “senile,” and issued a statement of retirement using his name.