Month: April 2013

AMERICA — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, author of the bestselling do-it-yourself skin cancer removal book Slash and Save, excited fans with the publishing of his newest work, You’re Diseased! In this book, Dr. Troubadoor outlines the deep connection between pleasure and pathology, and he has graciously shared an excerpt from his introduction with the Internet Chronicle.

For many decades, man has known smoking and drinking, although pleasurable, are in fact cause for deep alarm. Just one drink, and you’ve caught the serious sickness known as alcoholism. Like alcohol, soft drinks also bring great pleasure, but did you know if you drink just one, you will also become diseased like an alcoholic? Do you have a loving relationship with a pet? You’re pathologically dependent! Do you and your friends form tight, interdependent bonds? You’re all sick! Do you masturbate or have sex? Nothing could be killing you more quickly! Think that a nice hike in the woods is a simple guiltless pleasure? Your joints don’t. Ever bathed in the warm sun and relished your tan skin afterwards? You’ve been damaged! Do you enjoy eating food? People who eat 30% less live 30% longer, and from this rule I have worked out that every bit of pleasure you experience will take an equal toll on your health. This is what I call the “Pleasure Pathology Principle,” and by eliminating pleasure from our lives not only can we escape every disastrous sickness, but we can learn to live practically forever!

Let’s be honest with ourselves for once. Death is around every corner. While it’s not possible for most people to quit drinking or smoking, one corollary of the “Pleasure Pathology Principle” is what I’ve dubbed “Guilt Stabilization Therapy.” Once a person realizes everything enjoyable is bad and indeed destructive to overall health, he or she is able to reduce the amount of pleasure by experiencing sweet, life-giving guilt. It’s as simple as balancing out all the “good” feelings with “bad” ones which are the only truly good feelings!

Few of us have the strength of will to eliminate all pleasure from our lives, and in fact many who believe they are successful at this task are indeed taking pleasure in eliminating pleasure and will soon die a terrible death. Some may even come to enjoy the normally benign “Guilt Stabilization Therapy,” thus rendering it useless in the quest for endless perfect health. Making your way through life without falling for seductions which will kill you and everyone you know is fraught with far more perils than these, and living in constant fear of your mortality while avoiding all pleasure is the healthiest thing you can do. However, most people don’t know what to be vigilant for and aren’t even aware of the expansive scale of deadly health-reducing pleasures. That’s why I’ve written this book, for the lay person, and I hope you are able to at least remove some Pathological Pleasure from your newly-extended life.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador

WESTBORO BAPTIST — A pornographic image depicting Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for picketing the funerals of soldiers with incendiary anti-gay rhetoric, has drawn massive media attention due to its homosexual nature.

The Internet Chronicle has decided to celebrate this momentous occasion by hosting a Fred Phelps gay fan fiction writing contest. We encourage all readers to mail lascivious stories of any length featuring Fred Phelps to [email protected]. The winner of the contest will have their story published and receive a magnificent, but undisclosed, prize*.

Rules are as follows:

1. No sex act is off the table, and in fact, the more depraved the story the more points.
2. Real stories of actual incidents of Fred Phelps’ flagrant homosexuality earn more points.
3. Make sure the subject line of your e-mail reads “FRED PHELPS CONTEST,” and don’t include anything but the story. We don’t care about your comments. Just send the story.
4. We must be able to masturbate to your story, or it will earn no points.
5. God hates Fred Phelps because he is a faggot.

* All “prizes” are subject to confiscation and may include surveillance devices to ensure proper use

Cleveland Heights, OH — Fans mourn the loss of Doug Smith, also known as Reverend Ivan Stang, who died Friday from a brain-eating amoeba believed to have infected him during the filming of what he called “Animalcule Porn.” Famous for popularizing “J.R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs,” a character stolen from the satirical novel J R, by William Gaddis, Reverend Stang also co-founded the Church of the SubGenius, which is based entirely on the teachings of ‘Bob’.

Last year, Reverend Stang claimed to have resigned from his post as “Living Prophet” at the Church of the SubGenius. Although this claim was quite obviously false, and in fact written by a collaborator known as “Dr. Legume,” the gullible science fiction writer and scare-mongering Cory Doctorow nonetheless took to the SubGenius-controlled media outlet BoingBoing and lamented the retirement of Reverend Stang. This hoax was intended as an affront to an executive at the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle, who had recently embarrassed and shamed Reverend Stang and his gaggle of blabber-mouth sycophants with a magnificent hoax of his own. It is worth noting, however, that the message of renunciation embedded within both hoaxes seems to have had a synergistic effect which contributed to their action as primary determinates in the unprecedented resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, who secretly forswore Catholicism in favor of a conservative interpretation of the Annals of Inglip.

As expected, Reverend Stang’s death has been covered up by his dissembling flock of pseudo-heresiarchs, a fact which is corroborated by secret fiscal information leaked by sources in Anonymous. These documents show the entirety of the church’s meager funds are now spent on a body double who poorly impersonates the late Reverend Stang. “None of them pinks can tell the difference,” said Dr. Legume, candidly, “And if they can, we don’t want ’em anyway.”