Twitter Pissing Contest Shatters World

Dan Danwald's freedom Reporting was taken to task by an angered Freedom Blogger.

Dan Danwald’s freedom Reporting was taken to task by an angered Freedom Blogger.

INTERNET — Wednesday, secret documents reported on by the world’s greatest investigative reporter, Dan Danwald, sparked a rare outburst of dissension within the keyboard freedom movement. In a scathing blog post loaded with the fine writing of a beginner, Tob Tobson fired a shot across Danwald’s bow, rightly accusing him of withholding the documents at the detriment of freedom. Danwald quickly fired back, saying that withholding the documents actually increased freedom by preserving security, a common point of view of the police state, but Tobson was not shaken, even after withstanding hours of cyberattacks and trolling via the Twitter social media site.

Tobson maintained with indeterminate language that the content withheld by the Danwald could lead to a more informed popular debate, and therefore more freedom, flying in the face of decades of Baudrillian Media Theory and common sense. However, our editors confirm that the idea of changing the world with propaganda is the root of all evil and Tobson is correct in asserting that the documents should be released, although saying that this should be done merely for the sake of the historical record and the benefit of posterity does not win Twitter Pissing Contests when freedom is on the line.

This rousing and fanatical debate came to a crescendo when Danwald pulled his secret trump card, intimate sexual knowledge of the leaker, Eddard Snow, and his intentions. According to Danwald, Snow wanted him to keep the documents as secret as possible while maximizing their profit potential. As a result, Danwald and his big business associates have held back as much information as possible so as to keep the public wanting more.

In a second scathing blogpost by Tobson on Thursday, Danwald was taken to task for the odious Twitter Debacle of the previous day. Not only that, but Tobson jumped on all of Danwald’s most vulnerable locations, likening the debate to a knife fight. Tobson wrote, furiously, that Danwald wasn’t really doing what Eddard Snow wanted. He asserted that Danwald did not respect the spirit of Eddard Snow’s intentions, which Tobson is more attuned to then Danwald, despite lack of an intimate sexual encounter in Hong Kong. Tobson angrily wrote that Danwald only half-bakes his reports and does terrible things such as consult with sources in the evil National Spying Agency to “strengthen” his story.

Quoting himself in italics, Tobson accused Danwald of being an Elite with an unfair Media Monopoly on Eddard Snow’s secret documents and called Danwald’s Mega-Elite boss a booby head before promising a third and even more scathing blog post in the near future.┬áTobson managed to draw enough power off of Danwald in the encounter to amass a Kamehameha wave, but when this energy attack was released, Danwald and Tomson were left floating in space among the debris of the now-ruined Earth.

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