Month: October 2013

INTERNET — Famed Internet lawyer Sue Brasko has broken the story of three young Finnish chaps who happen to make up the entirety of the deep web personal information hotbed “doxbin.” Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the website is actually an entity in itself and all sub-entities arrested, when  combined, create doxbin as a whole. Think Voltron, but not Voltron.

They cannot exist autonomously, which is why doxbin the website is still up and functional. Even if you arrest the three doxbins(You cannot arrest an Doxbin), they are still able to synergize in Finnish prison to create a Tor relay to doxbins onion. The only way to affectively disable their superpowers is to break the molecular bond created when the Doxbin3 were born, considering they were birth via in vitro fertilization by the same donor: Erich Fritz Emil Mielke.

The Internet Chronicles very own molecular physicist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador posits: “The only way to truly neutralize these three boys that have been inextricably linked at birth through chromosomal mutations– whose abilities are not much different than the network of computers that comprise the Internet or Tor for that matter– is to give them lobotomies while they’re strapped down with Faraday chain-mail in a super bright laboratory somewhere.” He continues, “Until then, the reign of terror that is doxbin will continue until the fabric of our very existence is whatever.”

greetz: chippy1337

BOSTON — Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, terrorist infamous for Boston Marathon Bombings, flew into a rage Saturday night when the Red Sox won the National League Pennant. Tsarnaev has been unable to speak due to extensive injuries inflicted during the protracted shootout following the bombing, but he was able to angrily scrawl on a piece of notebook paper, “I hate Boston and nothing made me angrier than the amazing grand slam which sealed the victory for the Red Sox. Allahu Akhbar! The Sox have no chance against the Cardinals in the upcoming World Series.”

Shocked Red Sox fans attempted to storm Tsarnaev’s fortified hospital room, but were met with armed resistance by paramilitary shock troopers called in to protect the mass murdering terrorist. Angry Red Sox fan, Gerald MacDonald, told reporters, “I don’t understand why he bombed a marathon if he just wanted to talk shit about baseball. I mean, why not just bomb the baseball fans?”