Month: November 2013

Categories
News

Internet Radio Host “addicted” to testosterone supplements

This image, Created by Anons Against Your Anon News, shows Vince this summer (Left) and just a few days ago (Right).
This image, created by Anons Against YourAnonNews, shows Vince this summer (Left) and just a few days ago (Right).

INTERNET — Fans of the hacker ensemble Anonymous have long found a home at Vince in The Bay, an internet talk radio show where anything goes except on-air doxings and swattings (malicious tactics used by hackers to silence one another). The show’s host, Vince, recently lost weight and gained a seemingly new, more aggressive, persona.

Jeremy Hammond, an Anonymous hacker, was recently sentenced to 10 years in prison after going on a hacking spree guided by FBI turncoat and former Anonymous leader Sabu.  Fans of Vince in The Bay noticed general personality changes in the host, Vince, which seemed to climax in his spontaneous victim statement at Jeremy Hammond’s sentencing which Motherboard called “bizarre,” scare-quoting the word “‘victim.'”

Vince at first received accolades for trolling the proceedings, but then later claimed he had not actually been trolling the Hammond trial. Vince maintains that he was indeed swatted, doxed, pizza bombed, and Chinese Food bombed by the hacker ensemble Anonymous and its “Rustle League” offshoot. Vince demanded members of “Rustle League” apologize to Ron Brynaert, who faced the same strange persecutions as Vince, but then Vince was caught dodging questions about his use of testosterone supplements.

Anons Against YourAnonNews, a troupe of Anons defined by their opposition to the delayed distribution of mass-produced Anonymous merchandise provided by YourAnonNews, claimed Vince reconciled with Sabu before making his victim statement. Anons Against YourAnonNews also insinuated Vince most likely was Sabu all along.

However, conclusive hacking evidence unearthed by Anonymous sub-group GNAA reveals Vince in the Bay indeed regained his slim, muscular figure and aggressive masculine personality by purchasing testosterone supplements on the Silk Road 2, a bitcoin black market hosted on the Tor. One Anonymous GNAA Hacker said, “We’re worried Vince might be increasing his dosages to dangerous levels as he’s switched to the intravenous testosterone. It’s also possible he’s dealing the ‘T’ to local teenagers in order to finance his growing habit. Either way, we’re worried about this new slimmed down Vince. He’s unhinged.”

Categories
Special Interest Technology

Litecoin trading increases in both volume and value along with the Bitcoin

Litecoin
Litecoin trades now for $4.15

People invested in Bitcoin argue the Litecoin will never gain traction in their precious magical money market. Poor Litecoin investors who are jealous of the Bitcoin master race’s infinite foresight profess feverishly on Bitcoin sub-forums that their currency WILL see come-uppance! Their dialogue is often one-sided as they battle the image of Johnny-Come-Lately who secretly wants himself a Bitcoin.

He wants it so bad. And now he is left to monitor Litecoin as she rises and falls like the tide of a bleak moonless beach, illuminated by the passing glimmer of the Bitcoin lighthouse which, with every sweeping motion, shines brighter – $100 brighter – on each irritating pass.

Temples to Litecoin were built in its honor, where crypto-shamans beg piously for restitution over of their doubts in the Bitcoin, and plea for a second chance. The Litecoin is perfect, they say. It’s faster. It’s quiet. It’ll stay out of Bitcoin’s way. It can be there, too. Can’t it?

The arguments  playing out around Litecoin – ranging from whether it will ever increase in value, to whether the world can stand another cryptocurrency, to whether or not China is actually adopting the coin or simply “pumping it and dumping it” – are all tinged with the doubt of a million atheists who just caught a glimpse of God but are still too proud to admit it.

The fact that Litecoin even exists is “proof that there is room enough in the world for another cryptocurrency,” according to economist Dr. Angstrom Hydrocopolous Troubadour, who said he invests heavily in the market regardless of God’s wishes that he not gamble, or lust over his neighbor’s two wives.

Congress convened for a hearing this week to determine exactly what a Litecoin is and – being capitalists – how to profit from it. The results, Troubadour said, don’t look good.

The Litecoin may currently be cheap and accessible but, like the Bitcoin before it, could eventually become so bloated that only the 1% can ever afford to use it, and they will be so busy spending their Bitcoins they won’t even let go of a Litecoin for the plebeian masses to attempt to buy drugs with it, to escape from their meaningless, Bitcoin-absent lives.

Pray to the money gods for Litecoin to increase in value. Make a small sacrifice of $100, and in three years’ time, you too will have many hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on anything you like.

I’m buying an ethanol-powered yacht. What will you buy?

Categories
News

Sinister Facebook Competitor Challenges “One” Universe Theory

New “One Ring” Operating System terrifies audiences

The One Ring Headquarters (Internet)
The One Ring Headquarters (Internet)

[pullquote]One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.[/pullquote]INTERNET — Do you hear the sound of your mind being submerged in its unconscious? The psychic pulsing green beams of Google, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube (It’s your main man, Daym) are converging in a single beam that will finally blast Alderaan to pieces.

The challenge for operating system designers has been to merge all of these most popular services into one slick interface which is even more passive than a television.

The Anonymous Creator of The One Ring rose to this challenge, creating the first distributed cloud computed crypto-network to rule them all. The One Ring will be controlled by a secret algorithm which will zero in on and overdetermine your unconscious mind in a way that will not only allow you to buy the products most suited to you, but also challenge your perceptions about the Arabs in subtle ways.

Users of The One Ring report missing work and being unable to disconnect from endless feeds of Lolcats, Trollfaces (RIP cololo), and Miley’s new Sex Tape which recently aired on Cinemax.

Users of Diaspora have been the only people to resist use of The One Ring, and exist in a “Zion from Matrix” style world where they have not yet been sucked into the “False Reality” created by The One Ring.

When Diaspora came along, no one at the time could have predicted it would be the Litecoin of social networks. Now, the transmutation of popular opinion into popular action has usurped the need for contemplation, hesitation and even inaction, against all warnings of the great philosopher Sun Tzu.

Modified Memes inside The One Ring’s “+1” death spiral reportedly “enhance” themselves by adding political or religious symbols and other permutations in a “Naturally selected” ecosystem which enhances the addictive quality of The One Ring over previous data algorithm manipulations, like Facebook.

The “False” “”Reality”” theory of the One Ring Cloud Solution enables micropurchases at a baffling volume and scale. A shred of desire instantly manifests itself as the object in question, and no one is hungry. None thirsty. Conversely, no one is anything, once they become a part of The One Ring™ Cloud.