Hello readers, and thank you for visiting your favorite news site. We know, perhaps better than anyone else, how hard is it to take precious time out of your day to come here and read the latest headlines from around the world. It is within each of us, however, to recognize that the quest for knowledge has no immediate payoff, unless we’re talking about the bitcoin – and yet it is our civic duty to read the quality stories found in The Internet Chronicle, for a better tomorrow, today. And use that knowledge to make informed decisions for our loved ones, and even our children.
It’s how we stay up to date. The Internet Chronicle is where you go to find the careful answers to tough questions: What will you wear tomorrow? The Internet Chronicle says: HAZMAT suits, of course! Can today’s political climate support the adoption of a fourth and fifth American political party? The Internet Chronicle says: As long as they’ve got the cash! My dick is hard, what should I masturbate to? The Internet Chronicle says: Selena Gomez will be legal soon enough (so get a head start)!
[Editor’s note: Selena Gomez has died tragically at the legal age of 19 years old]
Many times, we read the news and it triggers vicious instincts from within a darkness we barely recognize. The Internet Chronicle is here to make light of current events so you can sleep more soundly, comforted in the knowledge that at least someone else noticed the problem, and dismissed it handsomely with a punchline.
From Our Family To Yours — We here at the Internet Chronicle would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Here’s to 2014 – a new year which could turn out a lot more like 2011, without all the “Occupy” nonsense from before.
So gather up your guns. Keep your eyes to the sky, watch out for chemtrails, look over your shoulder for Uncle Sam and his spy drones. Keep watching TV, drink beer, and most importantly of all, don’t vote!
We’ll see y’all next year!