DENVER — Marijuana shops opened up across Colorado Wednesday as legalization came into full effect. However, gangs of armed thugs – possibly aligned with Colorado drug cartels – raided the new repositories, stealing billions of dollars’ worth of weed and paraphernalia.
With the sudden scarcity of skull and wizard-shaped bongs, Colorado stoners woke up into what’s been described as “literally, a nightmare.”
Denver marijuana user Dan K. said his “mind” was “blown” on the morning of Jan. 1 when he woke up into the dry nightmare.
“I already told all my illegal, black market dealers to go fuck themselves, because I’m a man of the law,” Dan said. “And now you’re telling me there is no weed to calm my burnout nerves? This is a nightmare. It’s the healthcare website all over again.”
Bands of vigilante stoners have taken to the streets with improvised weapons and firearms, protecting the few remaining marijuana dispensaries as patrons anxiously wait in line.
Colorado Police Chief Neal McIntyre voiced disappointment in legal marijuana, expressing concerns that police work is only becoming more difficult.
McIntyre said, “It’s going to be really hard to persecute the Blacks and the Mexicans, so we’ll have to get a bit more creative, maybe double down on our entrapment operations and flood the streets with crackheads.”
When asked about the rash of robberies at the new marijuana shops, McIntyre laughed, and refused to comment.