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Barack Obama's Top 5 Favorite Violent Videogames

Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”

I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.

For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.

As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?

Modern Warfare 2

Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.

“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”

You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’

Tropico 4

Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.

“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”

Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.

“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”

Coke Fiend 3

"hot coffee" in the face
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.

His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”

Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.

Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014

Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.

Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.

Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.

The two have entered into a suicide pact.

EVE Online

Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.

Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.

Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.

With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.

Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.

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CIA Vaccine Cures World of Terror

The CIA has immunized the globe from dangerous terrorist genes "for centuries to come"
The CIA has immunized the globe from dangerous terrorist genes “for centuries to come”

INTERNET — The CIA’s secret terror vaccine program, used to preemptively punish foreigners with “terror markers” in their genome, ended today even as it successfully brought peace to areas of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and beyond.

By analyzing the genomes of billions and isolating a few terror markers which predisposed nine out of ten patients in clinical trials to “fundamentalism, violence, and ideological dissatisfaction with arbitrary governance or imperialism,” immunologists at the CIA were able to target and neutralize seemingly innocent children and even potential marriages which, according to science, would have led to millions of terrorism-related deaths.

CIA terror immunologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It’s good that this information is coming out, and we can say openly the United States was not simply dropping bombs on random weddings in Pakistan and Afghanistan. These marriages would have surely lead to dangerous genetic combinations which would, according to sound science, breed killers and terrorists and potentially lead to the death of billions.”

Dr. Troubador, beaming in light of his success, said, “Terror is a global illness, an infection that spreads as a mind-virus to those who are predisposed to it. Through targeting certain genes common in the Middle East and eradicating weddings full of people who carry these terror markers, we’ve essentially immunized the human colony from terrorism for centuries to come.”

This announcement comes just one day before the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum at the site of Ground Zero. The 9/11 Memorial Museum, which houses thousands of unidentified body parts, is sponsored by Citibank and Cisco and its $65 million yearly bill will be paid for, in part, by light-blue 9/11 branded merchandise available to visitors at the 9/11 gift shop.

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American Spring militias Occupy White House

An emergency escape helicopter approaches the White House Friday morning as militias assemble at the gates
An emergency escape helicopter approaches the White House Friday morning as militias assemble at the gates

INTERNET — President Obama and staff fled to a secret location Friday afternoon utilizing escape tunnels and helicopters as armed American Spring militia men surrounded the White House.

American Spring militias now Occupy the White House and plan to hold a press conference within the hour, at which point analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador expects documents will be handed over to Congress demanding an end to Obamacare and massive revisions of the constitution.

Troubador speculated on possible outcomes of the new government and which leaders might rise to power, saying, “Jamie Jo Corne will likely worm her way into power, somehow, even if it takes decades of calculation and deception. Sure, she may not be a big name in the American Spring movement at the moment, but that’s to her advantage in the long run. Until then, she’ll continue to suckle at General Lee’s side, exercising her influence through him and swaying him more and more towards her racist agenda of deportation and holocaust.”