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Hackers turn out the lights at World Cup

Hate Security has ties to defunct terrorist group Rustle League
Hate Security has ties to defunct terrorist group Rustle League and its official spokesperson, Jaime Cochran

INTERNET — A small group of elite hackers known as “Hate Security” cut off the light at Monday’s World Cup game between France and Nigeria for several seconds, as confused fans and players screamed in terror. Several hundred people were mugged, and riot police were deployed to contain the fearful crowds. However, the hack was only temporarily able to stop stadium personnel from turning the lights back on.

Hate Security left a message on their Twitter taking credit for the attack and issued homophobic comments about soccer, Brazil, and the international community. Hate Security became politicized in June of 2014, when a Facebook experiment manipulated them into it.

More on this terrorist hack as the story develops.

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Hobby Lobby web site taken down by Anonymous

Anonymous dusts off its most powerful hacking tool to take down Hobby Lobby
Anonymous dusts off its most powerful hacking tool to take down Hobby Lobby

INTERNET — Monday morning, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled 5-4 that Hobby Lobby does not have to pay for any healthcare that involves the reproductive systems of women. Hacktivists at Anonymous, the decentralized collective and ensemble of tricksters fired back with the Low Orbit Ion Cannon, their most powerful hacking tool. Thousands of angered “Anons,” as they refer to themselves, “fired packets” and took Hobby Lobby’s web site offline for nearly twenty minutes, causing billions of dollars of irreparable damage that may put Hobby Lobby out of business forever.

Hobby Lobby’s CEO, Gerald Celento, told reporters, “God prefers a hands-off policy towards women’s sex organs, even when the uterus is rotting out of the body. Women are, as Christians have always known, more easily corruptible than men. Hobby Lobby has always had a policy against meddling with their fragile bodies. We’re happy to hear about the Supreme Court’s decision, but the vigilantes from the internet have ruined it for us, and I have no doubt they are part of the Satanic conspiracy emanating out of the Islamic State, the Black flag of the New Caliphate. A bloody war — I’m talking nuclear, biological, whatever kills the emergent Satanist state — is the only solution.”

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Fleshlight Launchpad ushers in new sex craze

INTERNET — People have been fucking stuffed animals modified with fleshlights for years now, but until today the imaginary sex objects have remained totally inert. With the new Fleshlight Launchpad, you can easily fuck an assortment of apps available in the Apple store, from sensuous anime geishas to over-the-top tongue and tentacle monster simulations. The roboticized fucktoy, which is made of a special cum-absorbing sex rubber that feels so good on your dick, can expand even over your balls for that extra warm sensation — if you pay an extra $29.99 for the cumsucker deluxe ball massager.

As you strap the Launchpad into your Apple iPad, dubstep music drops and you bear down on the fuckhole. Hard. You hear exaggerated screams and shudders of joy from your ipad’s tinny little speakers. Showers of virtual cum spurt on the Bukkake bitch, and with each thrust of your two foot long dick she sinks a little farther into the cum puddle. Her skin is perfectly taut and shiny, like a fleshy balloon, and she is now drowning in your endless cum, but still begging for more. You jizz into the fleshlight in under twenty seconds, earning you the world record for stamina on the Bukkake Fuck Fantasy App, because this technology is just that fucking good no one has ever lasted that long before. It’s been months of hard work to get that high score, but it’s finally paid off. You are the world’s greatest Apple iPad fucker. You disengage your cock from the self-cleaning rubber fuck hole and your balls ache. Every last drop was squeezed out by the ball massager, well worth the extra money, and your testicles are shrunken like raisins ever since you started fucking the fuckpad.

Buy the new Fleshlight Launchpad and strap your dick into ultimate power.