American footballer “very sorry” for whatever he did

NFL Hall-of-Famer "Jumpin" Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.

NFL Hall-of-Famer “Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.

Miami, Fla. – NFL Hall-of-Famer Joe DeRouda expressed remorse Saturday for his participation in a videotaped gang-rape which took place at the Miami Hilton during regular season.

A video leaked earlier this week depicts a man bearing DeRouda’s resemblance, hunched over a child, savagely penetrating her every orifice, shouting, “I bet $2,000 you ain’t never tasted no dick like Joe DeRouda’s!” Later in the clip a man claims he was honored to “rape with the best of them; that is, you, Joe DeRouda.”

“Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was once famously credited with revolutionizing football with the invention of a power-play known as the “Blitzkrieg Anal-Gaper,” named for its ability to split a defensive line down the middle, leaving opponents incoherent and stunned.

DeRouda said his enthusiasm during the alleged intercourse, if it was in fact him, would have been “misplaced.” He said if he did participate in the group sex caught on film, then he did not know the girl was underage, and believed she was only pretending to have not yet learned how to read.

“She kept calling out for Daddy,” DeRouda said, “and I was like, ‘Bitch, Daddy right here.'”

DeRouda said raping children is not something he does regularly, and understands the league’s decision to bench him for the duration of the first game of next season.

“Other than this one single instance of gruesome rape – I know I looked comfortable, like I spin a lot of plates and this is just a piece of ass to get me from Houston to Baltimore, but it was really, really unfortunate it was caught on tape, out of context as it was – I have never done this any other time, when there wasn’t a camera in the room. And I know the NFL looks down on videotaped domestic violence, and I respect their choice to make me sit out a game or two until this blows over. The DeRouda Legacy has penetrated a lot more than just a child, though, and that’s a legacy that I know all my fans are gonna remember.”

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