Vladimir Putin revealed his battle with testicular cancer, Wednesday.
MOSCOW—Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, announced Wednesday afternoon that he is currently undergoing treatment for testicular cancer. Testicular cancer affects over 50,000 people every year, but the survival rate for those who receive proper medical treatment is well over 90 percent.
Putin has been receiving chemotherapy in Finland since the Winter Olympics in Moscow, sources say. Doctors plan to remove Putin’s affected testicle in a surgical procedure called an orchiectomy.
Russian Citizens were crestfallen, but hopeful. Dmitri Yanuzhoye, a new Crimean citizen of Russia, told reporters, “One of Putin’s testicles is worth five pairs of American president testicles.”
Putin came to represent masculinity for men across the world, especially after masterminding a carefully veiled invasion of Crimea and eastern Ukraine earlier this year. John Thiessen, expert in geopolitics, said, “The US and its presidents come and go, never taking any serious risks and inevitably screwing up their poor attempts at paternalistic control over helpless nations, ever since Vietnam. But Putin’s balls have been pumping so much testosterone they’ve grown a tumor. He’s facing down the EU and the US, enemies he can never hope to defeat, every single day.”
INTERNET—Adrian Chen of Gawker reported, Monday, that Frederick Brennan, who suffers from a malfunctioning skeleton, was the mastermind responsible for providing GamerGate fans with safe harbors at infinitechan, or 8chan as it is also called. Chen is a well-known anti-misogynist doxer who once outed violentacrez, Reddit’s kingpin of legal jailbait and creepshot subreddits.
Brennan’s bones are so frail that they could break at the slightest touch, but Adrian Chen said that suffering man he called “deformed” was seen holding a bottle of vodka and riding through a strip club on the first anniversary of infinitechan. Much like Reddit’s subreddit feature, infinitechan allows any user to create and moderate their own subchan, combining the worst aspects of Reddit and 4chan into the world’s most misogynistic social media platform.
After reading Adrian Chen’s vicious dox, Rhonda Marten, feminist and human biodiversity expert, tweeted, “I’ll put that deformed paper bones out of misery. Comin for ya, little boy!” Brennan cancelled his upcoming motivational talk, considering the tweet and other undisclosed messages a credible threat on his life.
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Georgia authorities are trying to determine how many people a news editor exposed to Ebola.
Cuthbert, Ga.—The CDC ordered chronicle.su staff members to stay home Friday and asked them not to enter their Cuthbert, Ga. office until it can be determined their squat of a newsroom is clear of the dreaded #Ebola virus.
“He tippy-tap-typed on that keyboard all god damn day, I guess I better disinfect it,” Kilgoar said, “as if he’s actually going to publish anything that might make us some money. And now the motherfucker’s got Ebola. Now he is Worthless.”
Beloved editor and author of several incomplete manifestos, Hatesec never made any money for the hatenest website on the internet, chronicle.su, Kilgoar said. “And now he won’t, because he’s dying from the #Ebola.”
When hatesec began hashtagging Ebola, fellow journalists thought it was a pitiful grab for retweets – and it was certainly that – but it also became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
While volunteering with Doctors Without Borders in West Africa, as he was known to do in his limited free time, @hatesec said he contracted Ebola after moving a pile of fresh bodies.
“I was helping this Chinese lady move bodies and because Obama cut our aide, we didn’t have anymore protective gear, so we just moved the bodies by hand,” #hatesec said. “And that Chinese lady, I don’t think even knew what Ebola was. I think she was unfit to work at the iPhone factory so they had her moving corpses.”
Hatesec blamed the Chinese woman for his ailment. “That bitch kept unfolding the blankets we were using as a stretcher and she had me touching blood. Now I’m fucked. I hope she is, too.”
The Chinese woman’s name, condition and existence have not been independently confirmed, but hatesec assured doctors that regardless of her condition, she is an ignorant asshole.
Hatesec is probably going to die because he could not afford his ObamaCare but even if he could, he maintains that ObamaCare is a form of socialism and roundly rejects its validity. So he will be stored in a plastic box where he can no longer contaminate society with his filthy body, and filthy ideals.
“Think about how handy FEMA coffins will be when the virus breaks out though,” Kilgoar said. “You’re going to want those plastic sealed containers. You don’t wanna burn up, that just lets it out. You want to lock it away in a plastic container.”
Leading Pathologist at Princeton University Dr. Angstrom H. Trouboladore, described the added danger of burning hatesec’s corpse, and other American corpses.
“You know what happens when you burn a body? Its internal organs — its stomach explodes, and it can squirt out fluids 20 feet away,” Trouboladore said. “It could happen, you know.”
Several flights were cancelled heading into and out of Cuthbert Friday.
