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Intellectual man accuses Anonymous of sexism

This young woman's gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.
This young woman’s gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.

INTERNET — At The Strand book store in New York, artist Molly Crabapple asked questions of Biella Coleman, author of Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy: The Story of Anonymous, but when she was done asking questions a haughty and verbose man from Saint Francis College stood up to ask the question of a lifetime, exaggeratedly mocking the know-it-all modality employed by academia: “You showed a forum post on 4chan . . . that featured you being banned over exposing your studies on the organization. And they gave you titles . . . [which] seemed very androgynous . . . Do you think it’s in that androgynous point of view where men have always been on the internet whereas women are coming into the fold and so on and so forth — addressing that trope, that sort of taboo?” The word androgynous rolled off his tongue gleefully and he snarled while emphasizing the word taboo, and the friction in the room at the moment of impact could’ve burnt down at least ten barns full of priceless antiques.

“Oh, you mean sexist?” Biella Coleman neutered the Reptilian GamerGator on the spot, and a moment of raucous laughter somehow occurred at the tense interview. Even Molly Crabapple, gripping her gigantic leather chair and rigidly extending her spine emitted a small, tender sound of joy.

 

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Kim Jong Un Purchases Ford

fordDearborn, MI — In a Post-Sony-9/11 world, sometimes Great Leaders have to take drastic measures in order to save our freedom. The once glorious and proud industrial nation of Detroit, home to Ford Motor Company, is nothing more than a large “Urban Garden” and collection of “Urban Decay” Flickr photo albums. Until now.

In what some are saying is simply an “effort to save face,” Kim Jong Un has purchased Ford Motor Company to hopefully bolster the United States’ torn and frayed economy. Considering the United States already owes China trillions of rubles in back taxes, Un was happy to pony up the funds necessary to keep Detroit afloat. Are there big collaborative plans for a prosperous partnership on the horizon or is this all just a smoke screen, a mind-trap for the upcoming memetic Cyber War?

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, a finance minor at Ball State and the Internet Chronicle’s Own Boy, believes Un was simply exercising his financial strength as a show of force. “Kim Jong Un is just buying low and selling high, baby,” Troubador says, referring to the timeless Wall Street idiom. He added, “it’s the American way, and I support that.”

President Obama was too preoccupied with hysterical vine clips to comment.

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Kim Jong Un Denies Involvement With Sony Hack; Working on Game Genie Master Code

NORTH KOREA, Korea — Game theorist and Glorious Leader video-games-e1396295303178Kim Jung Un announced via a series of Vine videos today that North Korea was not involved with the Sony hack and provided an alibi that will shock the world far more than Joe Rogan and James Flaccos film “The Assassination.” An obviously pumped up Un appeared on his 3MP webcam to proclaim he has been spending the past 3 months on his human futon reading the well documented Sega Genesis’ version of the Game Genie in an effort to find the fabled “Master Code.” In the second vine he proclaims he found the code and is reverse engineering the “Sonic and Knuckles” cheat code known as the “orbital jump for knuckles,” as it holds the keys to bypassing every checksum in every game, even games with PunkBuster.

In a haze of artificial smoke and pyrotechnics, Un appeared for a third vine to say he had obtained the knowledge to bypass every checksum there is. The short clip ended with Un saying that the FBI should “quit givin’ me the business,” and focus on Rogan and Flaccos egregiously terrible films. The supreme leader appeared in a final vine wearing only a spaghetti stained tracksuit and Google Glass, shouting maniacally that “EURO TRUCK SIMULATOR 2 WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!”

Edit: Tor has just been stolen by the FBI as an Act of War, according to our source at the library who really likes Sun Tzu.