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Bootstrap Party threatens to split Republican vote

The Bootstrap Party - 'Pull your damn self up!'

The Bootstrap Party – ‘Pull your damn self up!’

The party political experts are calling “farther right than the Tea Party” could split the Republican vote, ensuring a place in the oval office for Democratic Socialist candidate Hillary Clinton in 2016.

The all new Bootstrap Party, whose slogan reads Pull your damn self up! is sponsored by Hobby Lobby, Best Buy, Comcast and Google. Our new and wonderful masters promise to liberalize everything by the year 2020, at which point the United States will become a Libertine Utopia, fitted with corporate-furnished roads, schools, hospitals, housing and restaurants.

Party frontrunner Raleigh T. Sakers said his solution to government-funded infrastructure is to stop giving hand-outs to the hundreds of millions of people using the roads for free every day. Roads will no longer be funded, he said. Under the Sakers Doctrine, roads will be paved with golden virtues of freedom. Never forget.

“Let the road system take care of itself,” Sakers said. “No services. If people want to use the roads, let them deal directly with the power authorities themselves. It’s FASTER and it’s CHEAPER.”

Experts predict a run on bootstraps in pants-shitting anticipation of the rise of the American Bootstrap Party. Real patriots invest today!

Scandal erupted after Clinton herself was found donating to the party campaign.

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