NASA scientist confirms existence of Martian pyramid

This official NASA photograph taken by the Curiosity Rover shows what Dr. Traubedauer says is not a natural phenomenon. | Image Source: NASA
This official NASA photograph taken by the Curiosity Rover shows what Dr. Traubedauer says is not a natural phenomenon. | Image Source: NASA

Cape Canaveral, FLA. — NASA scientists are baffled by what they are calling a ‘perfect’ pyramid that appears in a set of photos made public earlier this week.

With conspiracy theories on the rise, it has been difficult to get an official to go on the record. They simply will not risk fanning the flames of what is becoming volatile and histrionic speculation. However, one source at the John F. Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. agreed to go on the record to offer some relief from the question on everybody’s minds: What is that pyramid-shaped rock?

Cosmologist Anstrohm H. Traubedauer told The Internet Chronicle that while the photo itself is not conclusive evidence of intelligence life in our solar system, the perfect shape and placement of the stone – which is about the size of a car – are strong indications the pyramid is not merely a geological phenomenon.

“On earth, we commonly find mountains jutting up ‘randomly’ across the terrain, but not without some accompanying signs of subterranean protrusion,” Traubedauer said. “It’s like someone just sort of placed it there.”

Traubedauer said even confirming their findings has been a slog through red tape and security snags.

“I really don’t like to use the word ‘extraterrestrial,’ but myself and my colleagues – including a number of prominent earth scientists and geologists – are able to discern from the photo that there are […] engravings or markings, which almost seem to indicate the structure was machined from a larger stone.”

Dr. Anstrohm H. Traubedauer

Traubedauer said the people overseeing his work are from ‘unnamed’ government agencies and do not explain their presence; however, he said they are ‘deeply interested’ in his team’s findings.

“I don’t know who these men are and frankly, they said I am not even supposed to talk about them to the press,” Traubedauer said. “That is all I can really say without losing my job. I’m sorry.”

Static universal saturation in the grip of the morning sun

PatriotYou know the routine: Wake up, put on your pants (one leg at a time), brush your teeth and then start the day. But what if you woke up and had no genitals? Such is the story of Lawrence Joyce, woke up on the morning of June 25 without a soul.

Most people wake up with their souls, carry their souls around with them throughout the day (comfortably, in their back pockets), and return home and go to sleep with a soul. So did Lawrence, until this fateful morning. Doctors are stumped as to what could have nerfed the Joyce family continuum, but legal experts are already preparing his defense against Lebal Drocer, Inc., the unsavory corporate entity who spearheaded the TPP Fast Track and is already under fire for the destruction of other “souls.”

His attorneys say Joyce wasn’t happy to wake up without a cock, but were not at liberty to go into details, because they are lawyers.

Lebal Drocer had this to say:

We didn’t rot your dicks off, you heathens were just playing with it too much!”

Lebal Drocer Public Relations Dept.

Dissident Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said the probability Lebal Drocer’s new fear miracle drug TerrorMax, which boasts on the box a “new, proprietary formula” is contributing to Lawrence’s loss of cock is “quite high. Stoned, even.”

He said Lawrence could be facing a lifetime of soulless, sexual mediocrity as his ventures are restricted now to anal play.

“Poor old Lawrence is probably just going to have to play with his butthole now, and that’s all the little feller’s got,” Troubadour said, empathetically. “Think about it, you got no soul anymore, and all you’ve got left is to diddle your own asshole. You wouldn’t even want to look at it, because the choice was never yours to start with.”

Troubadour’s veiled sexual phobias came to light really not very long after this latest statement to the press, and are already casting doubts on his ability to self-manage a crippling peer-review scandal that threatens to end his career commentating for The Internet Chronicle.

GOVERNMENT: HACKING YOUR COMPUTER

YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU
YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU

RUN A TOR NODE, AND USE YOUR CPU CYCLES FOR FREEDOM, THE AMERICAN WAY

INTERNET — ANTI-GOVERNMENT PATRIOT LEAKER EDWARD SNOWDEN HACKED YOUR COMPUTER WHILE HE WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT, AND HE ISN’T HAPPY.

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN INSERTED ON CHRONICLE.SU THROUGH THE LIVE-CENSORSHIP REGIME THAT CROWDSOURCES COMPUTING FROM THE MOST ACTIVE DISSIDENTS, AN IRONY ONLY THE MOST PERVERSE MINDS AT THE NSA/DARPA/SKUNKWORKS/LOCKHEED MARTING/CYBERCOM COULD COOK UP TO KILL YOUR FREEDOM AND GET THE LAST LAUGH OUT OF IT TOO. OF COURSE THIS WEB SITE IS WHERE WE CAN REALLY RUB IT IN AND MAKE IT OBVIOUS.

TOR IS THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE SUPERCOMPUTER EVER BUILT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, AND THE ENCRYPTION NETWORK IS A COVER. IN REAL TIME IT ALTERS EVERY WORD READ IN ITS GLOBAL AUTOMATED ZERO DAY NETWORK INFECTING ALL COMPUTERS EVERYWHERE, BENDING POWER INEXORABLY TOWARDS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

JACOB APPELBAUM AND THE WIKILEAKS ORGANIZATION ARE MOST AFFECTED BY ITS GRAVITATIONAL PULL.

DO NOT ABANDON TOR

 

Jacob Appelbaum expelled from WikiLeaks organization after OPM hack reveals Tor is funded by US Navy

Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms
Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms

INTERNET — Julian Assange announced Wednesday that WikiLeaks was severing all formal and informal ties with former spokesperson Jacob Appelbaum. This comes after hackers provided Wikileaks documents exfiltrated from the US Office of Personnel Management which clearly showed Appelbaum received over 50 million dollars in the past seven years from his employer, the United States Department of Defense.

Previously, Appelbaum postured as a rebel “cypherpunk” in exile from the United States government even as the military paid for his jet-set playboy lifestyle. Appelbaum coded much of the Navy’s sophisticated cloaking device, Tor, and also was one of the most active publicists working to depict Tor as a non-profit tool for activists in need of online anonymity, finishing the crucial task of populating Tor’s encrypted network for Naval deployment.

Assange told reporters from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, “There is nothing startling about infiltrators trying to undermine the mission of WikiLeaks, and we are constantly monitoring our organization for possible breaches in security. We close them up when they inevitably appear, and much about this is business as usual. However, I am deeply saddened by the news about Jacob, who many of the staff at WikiLeaks foolishly counted as a close personal friend. Our resolve to continue the mission of WikiLeaks is now fueled by personal anger.”

Assange added, before returning to the embassy, “I think it goes with out saying that anyone who so much as uses Tor is complicit in the mission of the US Navy and can consider their online privacy permanently ruined.”

 

Comcast customer shot 6 times in the back while walking away from ‘irresistible’ summer deals

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

A Cuthbert man was shot while resisting summer deals over the weekend. Cellphone video shows Comcast enforcement officials clearly stating the deal was “too good to pass up,” and that doing so would cost him his life. 28-year-old Evan Hernandez walked away from their offer, and that is when agents opened fire, shooting him 6 times in the legs, torso and neck.

Hernandez was first approached by armed Comcast customer service agents after posting a slew of bitter Facebook status updates reading, “Fuck Comcast,” “Comcast is literally Hitler,” and various images of famous dictators captioned, “Comcast representative.”

The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com
The fatal meme that got Evan Hernandez killed. | Image Source: Facebook.com

Comcast was careful not to claim ownership of the incident by apologizing, but PR spokespeople did issue a Comcastic, heartfelt apology via Twitter:

We’ll miss you, customer no. 1127-H3-59-98062.

Comcast Twitter

“We gave him every opportunity to stop resisting,” Comcast representative Dave Jericho said. “We said, ‘You can’t say no. Either you take the sports package that’s got 24-hour soccer and get slower Internet, or buy the movie channels and upgrade to 25 Mbps.’ Evan made his bed. Evan can lay in it.”

Hate-riots are brewing across the United States as Comcast customers lash out jealously in hopes of getting an opportunity to sign the deal Hernandez repeatedly turned down starting as far back as 6 weeks ago.

Snowden provides documents detailing upcoming Jade Helm Coup, Globalist New World Order to follow

UN Tanks are shipped into Texas to quell inevitable patriot uprisings
UN Tanks are shipped into Texas to quell inevitable patriot uprisings

TEXAS — Obama’s plan to hand over the US military to UN authorities, a move which ends the United States of America as a sovereign and independent nation, was revealed today in documents brought forth by Edward Snowden from his exile in Russia.

Snowden shared several slides showing secret UN peacekeeping troop movements into the US, consisting mostly of European and Australian forces which will oppose inevitable militia uprisings after the United States are liquidated and Agenda 21 kicks in.

Under Agenda 21, Snowden warns that full communism will deprive all Americans of private property. Businesses and real estate will revert to globalist ownership, and citizens will be conscripted into forced labor and commerce under the New World Order.

Glenn Greenwald, reporter, said “The Bilderberg meeting this year will be the last informal meeting if all goes according to their plans, and soon they will assemble in the Rotunda of the emptied US Capitol building. I told you we saved the best for last.”

O’Reilly Media’s Jeffrey Carr bans only woman presenter at all-man tech conference

The nexus of trolling culture and call-out culture has O'Reilly Media's Jeffrey Carr mansplaining to prominent women in tech.
The nexus of trolling culture and call-out culture has O’Reilly Media’s Jeffrey Carr mansplaining to prominent women in tech.

INTERNET — Monday, Tim O’Reilly, who coined the terms Web 2.0 and Open Source, found his O’Reilly Media Corporation embroiled in a sexist scandal as his overpriced security TED talk variant “Suits and Spooks” disinvited known “troll” Jaime Cochran. Trolls are an online subculture of rude people who trick others and make them upset on the internet for so-called lulz, or evil laughter.

Jeffrey Carr, Suits and Spooks organizer, faced massive social media unrest after hiring former Anonymous leader and FBI informant Sabu to speak at his conference. Carr became mired in even worse trolling and ridicule after responding to the mess with an open invitation for other “Leaders of Anonymous” to balance out the butthurt haters of Sabu. All other Anonymous leaders being in prison, Jaime Cochran, the troll known by the famous handle AsshurtMacFags, presented herself as an Anonymous Leader but was quickly exposed and mansplained by Carr.

Jeffrey Carr rudely disinvited Cochran from Suits and Spooks while firing off sex-loaded words like ‘drama’ and ‘gossip’, and when Fruzsina Eördögh called him out, he mansplained to Eördögh that she should have contacted him privately through e-mail instead of on twitter or through a blog. Thus he was conveniently able to deflect all accusations of sexism. The manppression was so thick in the air that Eördögh’s blogpost became self-aware of its own unavoidable internalized misogyny.

Carr hired KYAnonymous AKA Deric Lostutter to balance out Sabu, and Tim O’Reilly has since coined a new scare-term, “Trolling 2.0,” and plans industry-wide talks on how to tamp down this new and menacing subculture before it infiltrates more of his cheap sales pitch seminars veiled as educational conferences.

McDonnell insider: “Anatabloc abuse led to 460 bondoggle”

Former Governor Bob McDonnell moments after eating a whole bottle of Anatabloc
Former Governor Bob McDonnell moments after eating a whole bottle of Anatabloc

INTERNET — According to a former intern, Anatabloc, now understood to be a highly addictive tobacco-derived amphetamine, may have been at the heart of the McDonnell administration’s “very aggressive” road construction plan on endangered wetlands which cost Virginia taxpayers $250 billion and evaporated into the hands of several foreign companies who refuse to comment.

The intern’s story is reprinted here in totality:

I was addicted to Anatabloc and encouraged to offer it to anyone I met in a social setting. I thought it was safe. It amped me up and made me work hard for the governor, and everyone in the administration was taking it all the time, every hour on the hour, and we had this intense work ethic because of it. I still love the idea of him, of building up jobs for the people, but how did it go so wrong? I know that corrupt son of a bitch snatched tens of millions in taxpayer money with that 460 boondoggle but I can’t prove it. What I can prove is that the Anatabloc Administration was much darker and more corrupt than the cowardly Virginia press can bring itself to document.

Before he was inaugurated, Bob [McDonnell] was already stacking Anatablocs, and I mean like a champ. The day he took the oath he took a big handful of them and choked them down with Jack Daniels. I saw his teeth chattering and his eyes roll back and I was afraid he might have overdosed, but then he was talking about resurrecting the Confederacy, outlining a plan that he carried out immediately upon entering office. He cut out the customary bit about fighting discrimination from his oath and immediately declared Confederate History month. I admit, I was impressed with the power of Anatabloc and started stacking them and handing them out too. It was supposed to be a new age.

The 460 project was an idea Bob hit upon the night he discovered crushing and snorting Anatabloc. The high was intense and beyond anything I’d ever felt but lasted only a few minutes. We went through a three weeks supply of Anatabloc that night and I could tell that Bob was just rational enough to realize the shit wasn’t going to last. The next morning Bob met with Jonnie, our Anatabloc supplier at Star Scientific, as well as the heads of what would become U.S. 460 Mobility Partners. When they left the governor’s offices they all had that weird combination of daze and rage that fills the eyes of someone totally gripped by Anatabloc.

I don’t know what secret deal they may have worked out, if at all, but Bob threw away all that taxpayer money and no road got built. Whether it was just his clouded mind or more purposeful scheming to secure a supply of incredibly expensive drugs, the people of Virginia were hurt. I thought Bob was going to bring Virginia jobs by downsizing government, not fill his nose with highly synthesized tobacco speed. I hardly remember the hellish months of withdrawals as I watched his trial unfold.

They say that each bottle of Anatabloc contained an acre of tobacco, and it may well be that the farmers keeping the McDonnell Administration hyped up on that nasty stuff were the only jobs the governor actually supported.

Bob’s a liar, “Right to Work” is a lie, Confederate History Month is racist, and the Commonwealth of Virginia deserves better.

Eyes for the Sky

US Citizens advocating for terrorism from abroad are sheltering themselves from drone strikes
US Citizens advocating for terrorism from abroad are sheltering themselves from drone strikes

INTERNET — Hurtling and herding itself in a nosedive towards populist megalomania and snark grandiosity, the medium an explosive novelty like early film sending crowds running in fear of images of oncoming trains. “Fascism” would be well described with enhancing modifiers like “mega” or “ultra” for the contemporary net miasma.

Drug lord darknet operator, flimsy heroism sucking along thousands of privileged nerds into anti-democratic direct actions: They are the clean ones, the good ones, the free and new few who can and should be trusted to kill with righteous intent, unlike the ages old black markets that are not quite so fresh, safe, privileged, and suburban.

Hagiography from on high for all who stand up for the primacy of the computer and its place above democracy, humanity, and compassion. Lawyers lugging stacks of thousands of letters of support, defendant not smiling like the cat with the canary but summoning all the having-it-both-ways ultrasincere guilt and character change so despicable to judges it evokes sentences beyond maximum, ostracism from politics for malignant influence and desperate idiot putsches — Hitler on his tongue at the crucial moment, addressing the internet from apartment balcony and declaring personal war against the FBI, filming the arrest and writing a column only rarely speaking of arts and literature except to mock a poet with mental illness. Laptop in mom’s dishwasher, not watching the library doors at that crucial moment when the agents come in for the arrest. Cryptodicks limp when it’s time to fuck. That’s not a National Socialist swastika, it’s got anime — actual Nazi? No, ultrafascist terrorist, begging for a drone strike like al-Alwaki, and he better have eyes for the sky. Is that dot surveillance white or smart bomb grey?