Categories
Science

NASA scientist confirms existence of Martian pyramid

This official NASA photograph taken by the Curiosity Rover shows what Dr. Traubedauer says is not a natural phenomenon. | Image Source: NASA
This official NASA photograph taken by the Curiosity Rover shows what Dr. Traubedauer says is not a natural phenomenon. | Image Source: NASA

Cape Canaveral, FLA. — NASA scientists are baffled by what they are calling a ‘perfect’ pyramid that appears in a set of photos made public earlier this week.

With conspiracy theories on the rise, it has been difficult to get an official to go on the record. They simply will not risk fanning the flames of what is becoming volatile and histrionic speculation. However, one source at the John F. Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. agreed to go on the record to offer some relief from the question on everybody’s minds: What is that pyramid-shaped rock?

Cosmologist Anstrohm H. Traubedauer told The Internet Chronicle that while the photo itself is not conclusive evidence of intelligence life in our solar system, the perfect shape and placement of the stone – which is about the size of a car – are strong indications the pyramid is not merely a geological phenomenon.

“On earth, we commonly find mountains jutting up ‘randomly’ across the terrain, but not without some accompanying signs of subterranean protrusion,” Traubedauer said. “It’s like someone just sort of placed it there.”

Traubedauer said even confirming their findings has been a slog through red tape and security snags.

“I really don’t like to use the word ‘extraterrestrial,’ but myself and my colleagues – including a number of prominent earth scientists and geologists – are able to discern from the photo that there are […] engravings or markings, which almost seem to indicate the structure was machined from a larger stone.”

Dr. Anstrohm H. Traubedauer

Traubedauer said the people overseeing his work are from ‘unnamed’ government agencies and do not explain their presence; however, he said they are ‘deeply interested’ in his team’s findings.

“I don’t know who these men are and frankly, they said I am not even supposed to talk about them to the press,” Traubedauer said. “That is all I can really say without losing my job. I’m sorry.”

Categories
Health

Static universal saturation in the grip of the morning sun

PatriotYou know the routine: Wake up, put on your pants (one leg at a time), brush your teeth and then start the day. But what if you woke up and had no genitals? Such is the story of Lawrence Joyce, woke up on the morning of June 25 without a soul.

Most people wake up with their souls, carry their souls around with them throughout the day (comfortably, in their back pockets), and return home and go to sleep with a soul. So did Lawrence, until this fateful morning. Doctors are stumped as to what could have nerfed the Joyce family continuum, but legal experts are already preparing his defense against Lebal Drocer, Inc., the unsavory corporate entity who spearheaded the TPP Fast Track and is already under fire for the destruction of other “souls.”

His attorneys say Joyce wasn’t happy to wake up without a cock, but were not at liberty to go into details, because they are lawyers.

Lebal Drocer had this to say:

We didn’t rot your dicks off, you heathens were just playing with it too much!”

Lebal Drocer Public Relations Dept.

Dissident Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour said the probability Lebal Drocer’s new fear miracle drug TerrorMax, which boasts on the box a “new, proprietary formula” is contributing to Lawrence’s loss of cock is “quite high. Stoned, even.”

He said Lawrence could be facing a lifetime of soulless, sexual mediocrity as his ventures are restricted now to anal play.

“Poor old Lawrence is probably just going to have to play with his butthole now, and that’s all the little feller’s got,” Troubadour said, empathetically. “Think about it, you got no soul anymore, and all you’ve got left is to diddle your own asshole. You wouldn’t even want to look at it, because the choice was never yours to start with.”

Troubadour’s veiled sexual phobias came to light really not very long after this latest statement to the press, and are already casting doubts on his ability to self-manage a crippling peer-review scandal that threatens to end his career commentating for The Internet Chronicle.

Categories
News

GOVERNMENT: HACKING YOUR COMPUTER

YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU
YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU

[pullquote]RUN A TOR NODE, AND USE YOUR CPU CYCLES FOR FREEDOM, THE AMERICAN WAY[/pullquote]INTERNET — ANTI-GOVERNMENT PATRIOT LEAKER EDWARD SNOWDEN HACKED YOUR COMPUTER WHILE HE WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT, AND HE ISN’T HAPPY.

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN INSERTED ON CHRONICLE.SU THROUGH THE LIVE-CENSORSHIP REGIME THAT CROWDSOURCES COMPUTING FROM THE MOST ACTIVE DISSIDENTS, AN IRONY ONLY THE MOST PERVERSE MINDS AT THE NSA/DARPA/SKUNKWORKS/LOCKHEED MARTING/CYBERCOM COULD COOK UP TO KILL YOUR FREEDOM AND GET THE LAST LAUGH OUT OF IT TOO. OF COURSE THIS WEB SITE IS WHERE WE CAN REALLY RUB IT IN AND MAKE IT OBVIOUS.

TOR IS THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE SUPERCOMPUTER EVER BUILT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, AND THE ENCRYPTION NETWORK IS A COVER. IN REAL TIME IT ALTERS EVERY WORD READ IN ITS GLOBAL AUTOMATED ZERO DAY NETWORK INFECTING ALL COMPUTERS EVERYWHERE, BENDING POWER INEXORABLY TOWARDS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

JACOB APPELBAUM AND THE WIKILEAKS ORGANIZATION ARE MOST AFFECTED BY ITS GRAVITATIONAL PULL.

DO NOT ABANDON TOR