Child raised by monkeys ‘better off’ without human family

rhesus macaque

For years a noble group of savage monkeys raised a baby as their own.

LOS ANGELES – Investigators working on an impromptu scientific study have determined a boy found living among our furry primate cousins is actually “better off” than if his original human parents, the Smiths, had raised him as their own.

Separated at birth by a freak accidental abandonment at an old mine shaft, George was taken in by a rhesus macaque monkey collective.

George’s stunted development and love for bananas shows how his primal upbringing blocked his ability to use language and left him severely retarded. However, their conclusions show that despite those glaring limitations, George will have a better life than if he had lived under the oppressive rules of the Smiths’ uncool, regressive shithouse.

“He would have blown that joint,” said Lebal Drocer, Inc. Head of Teenage Rebellion Development Angstrom H. Troubadele. “He woulda been badass.”

Totally nude, George hurled his feces at chronicle.su brokers gathered nearby. They were placing bets on his black market value, speculating on real human trafficking shit. They based their bets on the puritanical insanity of the Smiths, his human family.

“They didn’t love nobody,” a former neighbor recalled. “They hated the world and themselves. They hated genitals.”

“See, he’s fucking badass though, and that’s why nobody could sell him,” Troubadele said. “George wouldn’t go for that shit. George goes for the face and eyes. George ain’t property.”

Chronicle executives were overheard commenting, “We’ll slap an RFID chip in that motherfucker and blow this joint. I don’t have all day to sit around babysitting mongoloids. Bitch I work state media. I got dental to think about.”

George is expected to be allowed to live peacefully among his primate foster family, until such time as he is tapped by the exclusive and hip Lebal Drocer Laboratories for testing, whereupon he will be stripped from his mother’s arms and carried off for intensive job site training in retail.

George’s story is part of a continuing series, Puppy Monkey Baby, brought to you by chronicle.su

This story was delivered unto you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. – bringing you the finest in real news quality. No seeds. No stems.

It’s dank journalism.

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10 comments to Child raised by monkeys ‘better off’ without human family

  • Arabic porn bot

    Where the tits at?

  • some hipsta chick

    iv bin jakeraped. in public, all the orifices and he gave me german germs and herpees and communisms and whutnut. i feel so used. pleeese murica help me

    • Anonymous

      troops inbound

    • total other hipsta chick

      I didn’t know until very recently, my handler pointed out, that nonconsensual rape, by a friend, is rape. It is for this reason that I am writing this account.
      When I became romantically involved with Jacob, I clearly told him that I wasn’t interested in sex, or having sex. I told him this more than once, and clearly stated that if i were going to be intimate, I wanted it to be with jesus. everything else is rape. He tried hard to convince me otherwise, but I just brushed it off. One night,i was intoxicated and not thinking clearly, and it took me a long time to realize that i was showing of my punana, in the living room, in front of everyone. He did stop me, but replied, “well, that’s what we’ve already been doing”, and turned extremely cold. Eventually, he brought me into his room, but I felt like I was being punished.

  • Fick Narr

    Hi. I’m Fick Narr,
    I used to be a pretty effective rat working behind the scenes at Hacker Events in Europe. After a deliberate campaign of abuse orchestrated against Jake Appelbaum at the 30c3, I don’t feel safe or welcome in the community anymore. In fact, I physically shut down every time I get close to going back.

    • government fundet moral majority

      This incident was made up long ago. u c its all authentic. But there is more!
      In an “interview” for the Reichssicherheitshauptamt (Homeland Security), Lil’Willi Turton, Emerson Tan, Meridith Patterson and Andrea Shepard insisted to have “witnessed” some of Appelbaum’s inappropriate behavior in Hamburg and speculated on that he got away with deeply troubling behavior for so long, Cause there are no laws against rape in Germany. Applebaum was well aware of this fact and here is the proof https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrUPWtVvGX4

  • Listen,

    If we don’t start taking Trump seriously then people won’t stop taking Hillary seriously. The very least we can do is elect the chaos candidate and put at the very least a 20 minute stoppage into the military-motoring industrial complex. If not, then what really are we kidding ourselves with this magic we have, as subversives and thinkfluencers? I would see all of my fellow squealing bitch Americans turn into one long f-35 project.

    Inshallah mein fuhrer

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