Hillary Rodham Clinton dead at 70

Tim Kaine assumes Democratic Party leadership

hillary clinton dead at 70GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.

Details are as yet unclear regarding the future of the 2016 presidential race, but sources close to the Clinton candidacy suggest all signs pointed to a Kaine-Trump ticket, and many politely refused to address obvious signs of Clinton’s declining health.

Donald Trump said he will no longer use “lamestream media” to promote his latest round of attacks on Hillary, sponsored by the return of Crystal Pepsi. In remarks to the Chronicle, Trump said efforts to whitewash Hillary’s dependence on human trafficking for income led her to “some really bad guys…is what’s probably fucking her up.”

Trump said dressing Hillary up as a woman of the people is like “putting lipstick on a pig.” He didn’t really say that. I said it. Actually, Obama said it about Palin:

2008:  Obama poked fun of McCain and Palin’s new “change” mantra.

“You can put lipstick on a pig,” he said as the crowd cheered. “It’s still a pig.”

“You can wrap an old fish in a piece of paper called change. It’s still gonna stink.”

“We’ve had enough of the same old thing.”

But it’s all the same shit.

Hillary’s offices and files were seized by SWAT forces. An official at the scene said her remaining hard drives will be probed and held as evidence in pending judgments against her estate by the FBI.

WATCH BELOW: HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON LOSES CONTROL OF HER BODY NEAR MULTIPLE SECRET SERVICE ESCORTS

As a result of your gross fixation on death, Clinton’s cause of death was an afterthought, merely appended to the end of this article, buried in this sentence, in which you learn she died of pneumonia.

Experts predict Trump may actually have a chance in her wake. His odds of winning improve greatly after Clinton’s death, since now she is unable to host a foreign campaign fundraiser, which was scheduled later in Vienna, Austria, a neutral country.

All the while, we do it doggystyle here at chronicle.su – stay with us because next time we meet, we will be exploring a whole new world of possibilities afforded to the very rich under either successive regime.

Before her death, Hillary slammed Trump when news broke of his plans for a lavish, expensive funeral service. Hillary said unlike her gaudy opponent, she will not have a big fancy funeral. Her simple request?

“I just want to be buried with my slaves.”

“If it ain’t Virginia neoliberalism, it ain’t Tim Kaine. ‘Cause Kaine does her The Virginia Way!”

Paid for by Tim Kaine.

This message proudly sponsored by Tim Kaine, our new Newtopian Overlord. All abord the Kaine Traine! ALL ABOOOOOOOARD!

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