Grieving? Destitute? Has the cruel pointlessness of life got you down? Teachers, preachers and therapists might offer tedious solutions with no guaranteed success. Don’t just sit there and “pray” the pain away. Now you can Spray the pain away — with SprayPain!
New from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, SprayPain™ takes the hassle out of overcoming emotional turmoil. Use SprayPain to get rid of unsightly pain related to any agonizing condition:
Tragic loss of life!
Death of a pet!
Even failed marriage!
With SprayPain, every single thing you can think of that causes pain becomes a little, ticklish gift from God – in a bottle!
Spray away pain away. Come again another dark day.
SprayPain is a Lebal Drocer Product.
This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
ZAGREB — Weev, the internet troll Andrew Aurenheimer, wrenches his mouth open with both hands: He’s got big things to say. Nothin’ really comes out but the smell of gluten free gut rot — his digestive system is on display: a moebius clump knotted around an impossible constipation so extreme it’s a wonder he . . .
New Subway official spokesman: “I have no interest in your beautiful children, regardless of the fact they might love and actively seek out sexual relationships with me.”
Social media is abuzz with hype over the unveiling of Subway’s new spokesman. After news broke of legendary Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s involvement in a child porn . . .
Put on the Aphex Twin and listen to me hate
Fuck all of you who suddenly care about people in Paris, people in Uganda, and people scooping oil sands out of the Niger Delta (oh wait, it isn’t time to care about them yet?).
You know who you are: You just saw it on the . . .
Edward Snowden’s jet moments before it was boarded by a SWAT team
INTERNET — Friday evening, eyewitnesses at San Francisco International Airport tweeted in astonishment as a SWAT team boarded an Aeroflot passenger jet from Russia as it was still rolling in on the tarmac. Edward Snowden was extracted in handcuffs as the . . .
CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE — The Pentagon has refused to address a series of photos which contradict government claims that strange lights seen over Los Angeles late Saturday night were attributable to a naval missile test.
Dozens of reports claim the object in the sky exploded and disappeared, but not before a missile made its way toward . . .
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING ANONYMOUS
V For Vendetta was a turd film for shit-minded people – people like Anonymous – who flock like birds to the government birdseed.
Eat shit and die, you dimwitted pack of nobody, followers. You people are losers.
Anonymous is cancer.
. . .
I am a 19-year-old trans gay boi looking for unlimited bare back action at a pos party near me.
I will get up in the sex chair and let you do whatever to me all night, provided you are HIV-positive.
I have heard that if I already have AIDS I can combine it with someone . . .
There’s never been a better time to invest. 4chan is rapidly cornering the market on Guy Fieri memes, and Guy rarity is spiking hard.
Investors don’t know whether to shit or go blind, but drug abuse is on the rise in the face of Fieri ferocity on the meme market as brokers struggle to meet . . .
I see the way you look at our website. The gluttonous envy with which you feast your dumb eyes upon the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle would disgust even a thief. You are nothing. And that is our fault?
Continue denying yourself the life you want – the life you feel you deserve . . .