INTERNET — Banned Twitter bad boy & right wing homosexual Milo Yiannopoolis held a press conference to announce a reality TV show that will follow his tragic struggle with homosexuality in a grueling gay conversion camp. “I can’t promise that it’ll work, but I hope it does. I want to be cured before I fall victim to disease,” Yiannapoilis said, “But that’s not right. I — I keep forgetting. It’s a choice I’m making. Being gay is wrong.”
Weeping openly as he embraced Pastor Tom Stanley of the Nemelkist Church of Advanced God, Yiannapoulos said, “All this time I’ve been afraid of ISIS taking my freedom and faggotr– I can’t even…appreciate…” Trailing off for several seconds inaudibly, the internet star stared into his phone. Cutting off the pastor’s feeble attempt to break the silence, Milo announced, “To let everyone know I mean it, I’m ebaying my collection of buttplugs!” Photographers wildly jockeyed to get shots as he held up his phone to show that it wasn’t just a prank.
Representatives from Nemelka’s Gay Conversion Ranch were contacted by famed editor emeritus Ol’ Brutus, but they would not comment despite getting the business for over three hours straight. The Nemelkist web site advertises its conversion therapy in infinitely reaching superlatives, “The Nemelkist gay conversion camp uses the most Advanced methods available to science, philosophy, and religion ever devised in the entire history of the universe and through use of an app given to us by advanced human beings, living in the future, we can request incredible, instantaneous brain surgeries which will perfectly heal one’s entire personality upon demand. Nobody leaves without a certificate of Advanced Brain Surgery handed to him or her by the prophet Nemelka himself!”
INTERNET — New reports, first published by Julian Assange of Wikileaks, show documents containing details of illegal infant gorilla transactions during Cernovich’s “hunting trip” to Namibia this summer. The gorillas, referred to with racial slurs in coded e-mails, were not taken to zoos as promised. Investigators found that no zoos anywhere in the world received any gorillas from Mike Cernovich. The emails suggest the author bought the endangered infants for over seven million dollars, nearly half of the takings from his bestselling novel, Gorilla Mindset.
Monday, Cernovich tweeted accusations that all democrats rape and eat children as part of a widespread soul-absorbing satanism ritual. The self-described “journalist” similarly believes that acting like a gorilla bestows virile power upon practitioners of his belief system. Fans and haters alike wanted to know just why Mike Cernovich, a man who believes in the absorption of souls through rape and murder, is purchasing infant gorillas that have mysteriously disappeared from the market.
Criminal Psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “Isn’t it obvious? There’s enough evidence to convict him but they won’t, not now that Trump’s in power. This is a man who raped and then ate infant gorillas, an endangered species. He probably ate their balls raw in some protein milkshake after pumping iron. I mean we don’t know he did it, but he did it. I mean you know it. Or think about it for a bit, doesn’t it make sense? Doesn’t at least one or two bits of the mountain of evidence ring true? The creep thinks he has magic gorilla powers and can just accuse anyone of baby raping and get away with it. Just trying to cover his tracks, I say. Many are saying he even penetrates his ass with the gorilla’s intestines, full of gorilla feces, calling them ‘hotdogs’ in his twisted e-mail code. He grills them and eats them afterwards. Disgusting, eh? I’ve read his e-mails, all of them. You and I both know WikiLeaks has never, will never, simply cannot tell a lie. They’re vetted. They’re Real News, not Fake. And let me tell you, if it is true, he’s one sick fucker. This is the kind of behavior that even Freud couldn’t analyze. If there is a hell, this creep is going straight to Harambe for an eternity of justice.”
INTERNET — Thanks to Wikileaks new documents have come forth describing the ultimate and final conspiracy, Pizzagate. Only as its jaws have closed around us do we see the beast. An insider document, leaked in a comment on Reddit, proved that elites absorb the scientifically proven “seat of the soul” of up to thirty babies on one pizza. There is an entire industry set up behind the polite exterior of the US food industry, a secret holocaust of child murder and abortion. After babies are aborted, their pineal glands are harvested and processed by Planned Parenthood’s front operations at every major food corporation. These processed human glands are not only included on top of pizzas at parties for elites. The following may be shocking and unthinkable, as if out of a dystopian novel, but it is proven true through empirical testing and evidence. Traces of baby souls, the chemical DMT, are included in nearly all food products in the United States.
DMT, the so called “spirit molecule,” is the scientific, proven apple of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. When taking a DMT trip, practitioners feel they are given the knowledge and experience of God himself. This deception is the purest manifestation of the devil and is an addiction that drives elites towards cataclysm.
Globalist elites purposefully hide the residue of baby soul molecules in all cooking oils and processed foods, often labeled as Natural Flavoring. Putting baby souls into the food and drink supply turns all Americans slightly satanist, so that they will worship their satanic leaders, such as Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and yes – even Bernie. It causes urges to fornicate, especially without the protection of condoms. The so-called soul glut in the latest years has flooded the market and is attributed by some to Miley Cyrus. Ultimately the soul glut was caused by an incredible spike in teenage pregnancy and abortions, and addicts like Hillary Clinton have been getting very sick from overdose. Rumors have spread that Trump is the “Keith Richards” of baby soul abuse, and elites chose him to be president because the doses he takes would kill most anyone else. Another famed elite, Alex Jones, is one of the few who can hang with Trump. Jones is an evangelist elite who uses clever tricks and reverse psychology to recruit hundreds and thousands into becoming satanist, globalist elites. Impartial tests of emergency rations obtained from Infowars shows that they’re so full of baby souls that eating one can a day can rival the DMT intake elites only dreamed of back in the 60’s and 70’s.
As the scientists have found new ways to increase the density of DMT crystals, an increase in demand has volatilized the glutted soul markets of the nuclear proliferated global death camp. Among elites, the concern is that soon the stopgap souls out of Syria and Iraq will dry up with demand higher than ever. While a handful of revolutionary processes have transformed shipping, purity, and quality of the product and may forestall the outbreak of a major nuclear war, new experimental endeavors stretch the market even farther. The hope among elites is that Trump will fire some nukes off in any old direction to grab enough souls so that the final scientific breakthroughs can be made. Elites believe these experiments will unveil the universal theory of science that can turn man into God himself. Through a process of applying extreme pressure in near absolute-zero temperatures, DMT crystals transform into a Bose-Einstein condensate which “transcends” known physics, opening small wormholes to a frightening apocalyptic world that might be hell or even satan’s lair, which scientists believe they can harness for green energy independence. To create a network of permanent, human-sized energy portals to this other world, elites are preparing a massive world war with a quota of three billion souls to complete the soul condensate wormholes to hell. Already, some demons and undead humans have passed back and forth through prototype gateways, and have been deployed in the experimental reactors of Zumwalt class ships.
INTERNET — Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, CEO and founder of Internet Chronicle, chairman of the World Fake News conference, issued a stern warning to the world, Friday. The beloved editor emeritus told reporters, “Fake News and its path of deceit reveals a transcendent truth, but only if readers have a good intention in their hearts. Get right with god, and it doesn’t matter what lies you believe or recount to friends, you will be on the shining path to glory and truth.”
The conference room, filled with millions of dollars of silver vapors that ensure everlasting health, erupted in cheers and orgasmic shrieks from the amyl-nitrate snorting Thompsonites. This group, dressed exactly like Johnny Depp in Fear and Loathing, sent forward its deputy spokesperson who would answer to no name but Dr. Gonzo. “Even at this moment,” Dr. Gonzo said, “There are millions of people who believe the world’s governments are run by pineal gland eating, adrenochrone suckling, child-blood injecting satanists who make babies into pepperonis. And they’re stroking their guns, eyeing their own children, wanting that piece of power for themselves.”
Alex Jones took the stage at one point, giving everyone the finger and saying, “What you people do is to cheapen what I do. You’re just trolls. Can’t you get with Freedom? Can’t you rise above the trolling, and be a part of something real?” Jones was promptly escorted off the premises, but not before several of the Thompsonites held him down and took a dark, dehydrated, toxin-rich piss into each of his orifices.
Brian Williams also took the stage for a moment, but due to technical difficulties was maimed by a sudden helicopter attack and was wheeled off the premises with third degree burns and severe internal bleeding.
A group of CIA strategists watched the conference erupt into violence, quietly nodding in a corner and taking notes.
INTERNET — Scientists are forecasting mini-moon conditions for Thursday. This means that smallest moon in the history of the world so far will appear in the night skies, and some believe it is the trigger for upcoming cataclysmic world events.
“The moon’s gonna be small,” said Astronomer Royal Sir Angstrom of Troubador. “Real small. Better break out the binoculars for this moon. Just google it, Mini-moon. It’s a thing that I didn’t invent just now.”
“What I do know,” Troubador continued, “Is that I don’t really believe these scientists who tell me things anymore. I’m smart. I don’t need them to tell me the same things about gravity again and again.
Troubador donned his most official hat, speaking in a low, drilling tone that bored into the ear of this very reader, you, “What I don’t know? Oh, that’s when things get terrifying. The mini-moon will usher in the era of something, and I think it’ll have to do with Donald Trump. Whether this is an upset at the electoral college, some kind of assassination, or a dramatic declaration of a world war and firing of nukes at some major cities, I can’t say. It may even be that all the monuments in Washington DC are melted by communist terrorists who loaded ten million gallons of sulphuric acid into a fire fighting aircraft. But I don’t know. And that’s what’s truly terrifying. I can predict the mini-moon, but what does it mean? It’s just a MacGuffin, like R2D2. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. The Internet Chronicle? Who are you anyway? Bleepeldy. Means the moons gonna be small. Next time it’ll get even smaller, god dammit.”
INTERNET — President Obama’s spokesperson John Podesta told the nation in an emergency press dispatch, “Our military and intelligence agencies shared incontrovertible proof with the White House and the Armed Service Committee today outlining evidence of Russian hacks that led to the election of Donald Trump. The consensus is that these acts amount to a declaration of war against the United States and the United States Armed Services is preparing maximum force retaliation.”
“The president has issued a formal request to congress for official declaration of war against Russia.” Weeping and gasps of horror were heard as the spokesman continued, “Also attached is a request for authorizing an emergency presidential election.”
Arizona senator and Armed Service Chair John Mccain (R) also spoke to reporters, saying, “A grand jury is in the process of looking into treason charges against Donald Trump and a cadre of other alleged traitors among Republican elites. After going over the evidence, I’m very confident there are more than a handful of Republicans who cut deals with Russia years ago and should face the full penalty of the law. This is not a partisan issue, and anyone who says otherwise is only repeating the enemy’s propaganda.”
Also included in the draft bill by Obama is a clause that, when passed, will institute propaganda countermeasures such as a National Firewall capable of blocking “fake news” and all trolling out of Russia, which critics dubbed “The Great Firewall 2.0.”
Barrett Brown, who famously transformed into a spider and attacked Anonymous Anthropologist Biella Coleman while in the midst of a torturous Diesel Therapy, is set to be released from Federal Prison on Tuesday. Here’s a small list of the important facts he should know before tweeting plans for a legitimized, legal revolution.
The largest Anonymous accounts are now in the hands of an anarcho-fascist fake political theorist, Heather Marsh. She writes crappy books and has the most inflated and bizarre wikipedia page of all time — even compared to Brown’s, which was propagandized in repeated edits by members of Brown’s Project PM. Read: Nobody really cares too much about Anonymous and it’s basically dead. Any operations done in its name can generally be filed under “fake news” and tend towards fascistic terror.
Wikileaks is now a fascistic propaganda operation highlighting leaks that inspire right-wing fantasies of a Democratic party pedophile cabal (see “Pizzagate”). This parallels Heather Marsh’s Harry Potter fantasy operation #OpDeathEaters, which hilariously sought to rebrand pedophiles as pedosadists, because etymology determines the meaning of words (lol).
During the election, the quasi-Mormon science fiction propheteer Christopher Nemelka donned the Guy Fawkes mask, declared himself the sole voice of Anonymous, promised to continue the neoliberal economic policies of the United States, and garnered millions of views in a viral youtube video that was nearly an hour long. Hit him up if you’re looking for a hit of Advanced Horse.
The Anonymous-affiliated ‘Team Poison’ hacker Junaid Hussain, known as Tr1ck, was killed in a drone strike after joining ISIS.
Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, is not just trolling and is an “actual” nazi. He peed his bed when it was reported that he is now a terrorist and consultant for ISIS. The so-called alt-right is a “race realist” white-nationalists-in-denial movement that throws out exuberant sieg heils at meet-ups “just for the lulz.”
Andrew Breitbart’s ghost now haunts the white house, depriving Michelle Obama of sleep.
Alex Jones’ right wing fantasia is a real, actual place where @realDonaldTrump is president of the entire world and that’s a good thing. The long expected revolution has finally happened, and now future terror attacks will actually not be false flags.
TRUMP TOWER — Donald Trump announced he has assembled a press pool, in a move that shocked reporters. Traditional print and television journalists will not be given any access to Trump. Rather, he’s assigned several teams of reality television filmmakers to document his presidency.
Trump said, “I want to communicate with the American people. I want them to see the tough decisions I have to make and why I make them. That show will be The President on Fox, and it’ll start on the day I’m inaugurated. And on the very first day, you’re going to see. I’m going to be firing a lot of people. More than ever. It’ll be great tv and it’ll be a great America — just tune in and see it. I’m gonna Drain the Swamp.”
Other filmmakers will document his personal and family life. “Melania’s talking to Food Network. She’s a great cook. Wonderful. Another show, First Family, will air on NBC, and you’ll see the other side of me. I am a warm and caring father, and Melania’s just perfect. We’re good people. You’ll forget about all the lies of crooked Hillary. You’ll see.”
THE SWAMP — Sunday evening at a Republican fundraising dinner in Washington DC, Donald Trump promised to pardon Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and Chelsea Manning.
Speaking to the group of neoconservative elites, Trump said, “These are people who have done good things, heroic things for America. Heroes. Meanwhile the Mexicans are rewarded with citizenship for having babies on our land, illegally. I think we need to change things around a bit, deny citizenship to all Mexicans forever. But first thing’s first, we’re going to build the wall.”
Trump even suggested he is considering appointing Snowden and Assange to positions in his cabinet, saying, “These are smart, smart people. Just look at what they’ve done for us already. Why are we going after them, rather than asking for their help? Think about it. If we spent as much time going after ISIS as we spend on them — well there wouldn’t have ever been an ISIS. I might hire them.
“Hillary’s emails were a disaster. Total. Disaster. That’s why I’m going to get Snowden be my Cyber General. I’m going to go to war on hackers and secure our computers. Don’t get me wrong, I love computers. But ISIS uses computers a lot, and we must be vigilant.”
“Assange, he knows so much. So so much. If anyone can help me to drain the swamp, it’s Assange. I think he’d make a great secretary of state.”
INTERNET — A 17 year old e-dominatrix known as ‘Poison Ivy’ has been faced with a discriminating and misogynistic campaign to shame her for humiliating hundreds of young men.
This story began when a youtube video, since removed due to a violation of a “policy on nudity or sexual content,” shows an impassioned young man, ‘MarsRPG,’ demonizing Poison Ivy for ‘abusive’ behavior and calling her a psychopath who must be stopped. Since then, trashy publications such as the Daily Mail have repeated this narrative in whole — along with the false allegation that Poison Ivy wants men to kill themselves. There is no evidence that she has ever asked someone to commit suicide, or that anyone has ever committed suicide on account of her sadomasochistic internet schtick. Her following of masochistic young men continue to enjoy her sadistic excesses in spite of the smear campaign, as hundreds of new fans follow her twitter and send in self-denigrating photos.
The Internet Chronicle officially endorses Poison Ivy’s hilarious antics. Those who don’t are probably this man: