A Review of Pokemon 8: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew (or something like that)

I awoke on New Years day to the usual yammering of Cartoon Network’s early morning programming. I stood up to deactivate the horrible noises, when I realized I was in the guest bedroom. How drunk had I been last night? I forgot. How’d I get home? Man, I had no answers, except I knew I was thirsty. Stumbling to the fridge, waves of nausea coarsed through my whole body. I found nothing but Orange Juice and quickly finished what was left of the container. I felt my brain inside my skull, screaming to get out. I threw the empty box across the room and missed the trash can completely. I returned to my room, and as I sat down, a second, much more intense wave of nausea came over me. Quickly thinking, I packed a gravity bong. Weed cures nausea, and maybe numb the throbbing inside my skull, at least that was what I was thinking. I was able to inhale half of the bong and then cough and puke into the water bucket at the same time. Of course I wasn’t done, all the OJ had to go. When the watery yellow vomit was all over the ground at the foot of my deck, I started to dry heave for about 10 minutes. Teary-eyed, half stoned, and worse off than I was before, it was all I could do to sip on a glass of water and watch the storyline of Pokemon 8 unfold before my eyes. At least vomiting off my deck made me feel relieved after the dry heaving.
Pokemon 8:
It started in the distant past, with some sort of magic called Aura (get this…everyone has a slightly different Aura). I was able to halfway sleep through the first part. There’s this Pokemon named Lucario, and Ash unseals him or something, and Lucario’s a dick and doesn’t trust anybody after being sealed away for so long, even though he doesn’t even know why he was sealed away. Meanwhile, Mew, Meowth, and Pikachu are hanging out in the Tree of Beginning. Why? I don’t know. You find out later that Mew and the Tree actually share their consciousness, which is interesting. As Ash travels to the tree with Lucario and a band of friends, they gain eachothers trust. When they arrive, the tree begins attacking Lucario and Ash. Everyone is killed who is not a Pokemon. Good job, Mew. Mew then revives everyone back to life with no effort, since he controls the tree. But oops! The tree’s immune reaction was too strong, and will kill everyone unless someone saves it with the power of Aura. And to do that, apparently you have to be trapped in some sort of crystal or something forever. I felt no remorse for these Pokemon because every conflict in the movie was created solely by Mew’s complete negligence. I give the vomit splattering on the ground one star and Pokemon 8 a half of a star.

Tragedyriffic!

WARNING: Parental Discretion IS ADVISED. THE FOLLOWING IS EXTREMELY INSENSITIVE AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE, EVER. Original Tragedy graphic is Copywright Cole Hogan, 2006. Modified graphic and animation are copyright Jesus Hubert Christ, 12 AD.
(So that’s what that H stands for!)

April 17th:
that little bastard bought guns from my home town…….Cavalier, Tarheel, Captian, Turpin…..we all gotta little hokie in us this right now.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

If cops got to the scene of the Virginia Tech massacre and ate all the dead corpses, is it considered ‘canabalism’? NO! There’s no such thing as ‘canabalism’.

April 18th:
gone to bed, pray for our hokies, pray that is well, and pray to god that cho’s rotting in hell……….yes I meant for that to rhyme.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

My favorite line in that wonderful poem is “Pray that is well.”

April 19th:
for all my fellow captains, I have a new profile image on facebook that contains captain chris and the hokie bird, I”m hoping it will catch on. If you want the original jpeg to upload to your own profile, email me and I will glad you send a copy.”if cops eat bacon is it considered canabalism?”

Wanna see it? Tragilicious!

“If cops ate bacon…” remained at the end of every single one of Cole’s away messages from March 4th to October 14th, a total of 7 months and 10 days. The precise amount of time that that joke is still funny. What a great joke.

Bigfoot, imaginary or Communist?

Bigfoot, according to believers, would be the largest Ape known to man. How then could they elude detection for so long? How do these creatures survive without leaving a mark on the environment? The perfect answer to the Bigfoot question is beneath our noses, and has been all along. Bigfoot is a communist. Somewhere, probably in a cave, a commune of Bigfoots are leading a simple life, helping each other out, and not leaving a trace. There is just no other way that a population of enormous apes could survive in today’s world without succumbing to the evils of communism. I suggest that Bigfoot populations may actually be devolved hippie populations, which have grown hairier and smellier, and may in fact be the sole provider of drugs to America. After winning the war on drugs, how am I so blazed right now? It’s as simple as this: Bigfoot is a Communist.

Cavemen. Neo-Con Propaganda?

How does a 30 minute commercial sound? Awesome, right? Featuring Nintendo Wii and Car insurance-slinging cavemen! Well, they don’t talk about car insurance, but they ARE weird, invasive, creepy, and always say really inappropriate things. LOL!

The cavemen actually buffoon “liberal” ways of life. We have 3 cavemen: one is a creep, one’s a metrosexual stoner mooch, and the other is a perfectly good guy, but oops, he dates a different Genus. “Keep your Penis in your Genus” LOL!!

Well, what else did you expect from a TV COMMERCIAL SITCOM? Yes it has the “we’re socially awkward” humor that you love from the commercials. But it boils down to a mockery of people that exist in real life, and at times borders on a modern-day Blackface routine.

It’s a miserable failure at dry humor and all the characters are easy to hate.

Plus, this creep is a caveman: