That cyberterrorism's gonna destroy America

I don’t get why we gotta be using these damn computers anyway. Especially if some jerkoff kids are gonna be hackin’ into my webcam and watchin’ me all hours of the night.

Orderin’ illegal gun modifications that I HAVE A RIGHT TO from the 2nd amendment is great, but what good does it do ME when they just gonna hack all my paypal money anyway. God damn!

Every time I get that “host migration” in calla duty, I swear, it’s them damn hackers. Ever since they roont PSN for a whole month, hackas be damned! I know theyre fuckin with erything they can. Any of them yeller bastards want to come up down this holler I got my guns ready and loaded, safety ALWAYS off. Don’t none of them have the balls to come try to unplug my playstation ‘cept hidin in some damn bASEMENT.

Next thing you know they gonna hack into that damn muslim presidents cell phone, and by god if he don’t deserve it. Thing is, they gonna hack up a message to the god damned world that makes us look like fools, way worse than that pale little Julien Ass-anj and his Wikaleaks. Soon as they hack that, anyways, things gonna come tumblin down.

Damn good thing I’m a country boy.

Modern Warfare 2: "If this is war, I wanna be there!"

Full Metal Jacket: Modern Warfare 2Some time has passed since the release of Infinity Ward’s newest installment in the reluctantly-named Call of Duty series. This is why the Elf Wax Times has gone untouched for one week, with the exception of the new Lightning Ticker which adorns our beloved header. The Lightning Ticker is based on the Elf Waxian concept of the “Lightning Study,” currently in production at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, involving only a glance at raw facts and data as a means for writing an informed report. You’re welcome.

Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.

The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.

The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.

Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:

“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty  5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”

Seventeen hours straight
Seventeen hours straight

Meet your new Elf Wax reporter!

Houston, Tx. – As Elf Wax’s newest writer, I’d like to thank you all for your great support getting me on the staff, thank you members of the Internet for voting for me.

I will not let you down!

So I’d like to start off by naming a few things I’m for, and a few things I’m against.

Things I am for:

  • Banning of the health care reform bill
  • Death panels, I hope, will still be on the table
  • World War II memorabilia
  • Waxing my car. It’s a restored Hudson!
  • Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
  • dog fighting

Things I am against/hunting to kill:

  • Martha Stewart
  • Other inside traders
  • Bill Clinton going over to his friend Kim jong-Il’s house
  • Communists
  • People who are too anti-Communist
  • People who ain’t Americans
  • Foreigners, or just plain old outsiders that ain’t from here
  • the health care reform bill
  • Marijuana

Mostly I said people, but I wrote things. I do that sometimes, just like when I eat people but I mean to eat steak and cheese subway sandwiches.

I’m a professional dog-fighter by trade. I fights pit-bulls. Me and that famous football player roll together, whatever his name is.

Now, I intend to bring something new to the table, something Elf Wax hasn’t seen before – something fresh – something that should make viewing the E.W. Times from work even harder than it already is. What is that?

RACISM

But before we get on with that, I think it’s time we brought it back. And I think it’s time you looked at a picture of a little girl and thought something negative for a change. So here you go:

Yes he did
Yes he did

Don’t worry, there’s more of this coming. Actually right now in a minute.

You think this shit is funny? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean really, why do you come here? Are you trying to tell me something? Look, just stop right there – hold your horses. I want feedback. Email me write now – [email protected] – we have giveaways, hourly, weekly, we are doing great things for you faithful readers out there because you’ve all been so good to us. We appreciate your phone calls, emails, e-cards, chain letters, spam – all of it.

Tell me what you’re doing here. Why are you here? Don’t have email!@? Just post a comment. I read them all. Over and over. It’s all I’ve got, really.

I want to live for it – I…want to live for you, the Elf Wax Timers out there. You’re truly the best audience we could ever ask for and you don’t even kill in our name. I’ve been a long-time contributor to Elf Wax for many many years but this is the first time they’ve ever come and asked me to write anything for you, so there you go. I’m going to be here for a while, now. But don’t get used to me! The Italians may come and take me away at just about any moment. I’m a dangerous criminal wanted abroad for unspeakable crimes against humanity. Thank God for The Elf Wax Times standing up for the First Amendment by allowing to me write behind total anonymity!

I’d like to leave you with a little song. Look this up on bit torrents:

Prussian Blue – The Snow Fell

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Elf Wax does not claim any responsibility for respect lost as a result of your personal adoption of its beliefs, values or lifestyles, or of Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC) itself. Additionally, Lebal Drocer denies all responsibility for its child companies and/or anything else that any court of law can prove it does or facilitates. Additionally, we can not be held responsible for the views expressed by our writers because we have nothing to do with the publishing of this site. Keywords such as responsibility, integrity, subpoena, and accountability will not be found associated with The Elf Wax Times on Google. So please, refrain from laying any of that shit on us.

That being said, Doctor Langstrom T. Mann has issued a health warning for all cookie-dough products on store shelves during the week of August 28th, citing labwork that indicates the tainted cookie-dough carries a rare “laughing bug.” The laughing bug, experts say, is a condition in which the person affected laughs uncontrollably at stuff that isn’t even really all that funny – like new episodes of The Simpsons.

Leading health experts are suggesting the only way America is going to make it through this season of The Simpsons is to buy up as many packets of tainted cookie dough possible.

Additionally, the following people are to blame for hurricane Katrina:

  1. You
  2. Mr. President
  3. Old Man Weather