Author: Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi

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News

Paula “Broadwell” All In

Image is copyright Paula Broadwell dot com — A subsidiary of Russian Spy Dominatrix CIA infiltrator sexporn

LANGLEY, VA. — CIA bigwig David Petraeus admitted to an extramarital affair with biography-mistress Paula Broadwell, who is now under FBI investigation for snooping through his emails. Internal documents obtained from the FBI and the Office of Senator David Vitter (R-LA) reveal that “Mrs.” Broadwell was likely employed by the notorious “D.C. Madam,” who “hung herself” in suspicious circumstances.

“Clearly,” said the embittered ex-general, who spearheaded a collaboration with Moqtada al-Sadr, “she connived her way into my pants to destroy the good name of the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.”

“Broadwell,” which is the biographer’s racy nom de plume, is an outspoken advocate for soldiers suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD). “There is a 30 percent increase in sex crimes among those affected by this epidemic,” “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “told” “reporters” “this summer.”

Faced with the fact that the CIA director was himself the victim of an elaborate media honeypot operation, Mr. Petraeus opined that “Mrs.” Broadwell’s body was “the ultimate weapons system–a Mayeresque wonderland.” Indeed senior Defense Department sources have confirmed to Business Insider that “Mrs.” “Broadwell” “got her claws . . . into him.”

HOLLY PETRAEUS: “I have cervical cancer.”

The general’s announcement of his resignation comes amid a time of great turmoil for his family, as his wife and veteran advocate Holly Petraeus announced her October diagnosis of late-stage cervical cancer, which her oncologist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, says is linked to a case of HPV contracted in December 2011. “This time,” said Mrs. Petraeus in tears from the front stoop of her Northern Virginia home, “David has really invaded the wrong gulf.”

“Holly has been looking at that yellow wallpaper too long and is in hysterics. How can you get HPV and be in a late-stage cancer less than a year later? What the fuck? What ‘weapons system’ did that to my wife?” asked a desperately prevaricating Mr. Petraus to a crowd of leering network journalists.

“I was just spending so much time with the troops and their families,” added Mrs. Petraeus. “I think he got suspicious, jealous.”

“The most common way of contracting HPV is from unprotected sex,” said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, rumored to be on his way out at the conclusion of the first Obama term, adding, “So who did she get it from? The troops and their families? From Mrs. Broadwell via her husband?” The Freedom of Information Act may prevent the truth from coming out for as long as 50 years.

MoveOn.org, who in 2007 ran an anti-American ad questioning the decision to maintain a heavy troop presence to defend freedom by occupying Iraq, says that it now plans to insult the patriotic former CIA director, kicking him while he is down.

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Entertainment Reviews

The Innocence Of Muslims–A Landmark In Filmmaking

The Innocence of Muslims has spread wildly throughout the Middle East and is one of the most critically-acclaimed popular films since The Passion of The Christ. A new landmark in American Cinematography, the wondrous shots of the barbaric setting for desert people transport audiences to a fantasy land where nothing makes sense and buildings are set on fire simply because they are inhabited by Christians.

Culturally speaking, this is a landmark for American film that could have only been shot by a highly-acclaimed pornographic filmmaker. Muhammed’s depiction as a bisexual who likes both submissive and dominant acts of sodomy had me laughing at all the sodomite homosexual submissive Muslims in the world. The poignant tale of Islam’s founder and his dynamic struggle for a sexual identity dropped a bomb on my misconceptions. No longer do I think of Muslims as serious practitioners of a religion, but now I see they are just innocent heathens led to destructive and violent acts by crazed Imams who follow in the tradition of Muhammed. No wonder they don’t like it when people depict him!

I have never seen a film which better facilitates masturbation. The sex scenes in this movie aroused me sensually and made me want to violate the Sweet Virgin Mary. I spilt my seed when Muhammed told his followers to rape the children of the conquered, because that has always been a dream of mine. Perhaps I will join the Army so I can get back at the Muslims for all their horrific war crimes through history. My only problem was that there were no graphic depictions of genitalia, and we did not actually get to see Muhammed having sex. That would have greatly improved my enjoyment of the furious masturbation.

It was hilarious how at certain points during the movie the actors lines were overdubbed with all the really incendiary lines about Muhammed, and that none of the actors were actually conscious they were participating in such a controversial movie. Not only has the entire Muslim world been fooled like the sad innocent child-like people they are, but the actors were also similarly fooled! The film all came together in the end, and the “Great Prophet” was depicted as a crazed sword-wielding maniac covered in blood, just as everyone in America has always imagined. Surely, this is the work of America’s greatest filmmaker. It was an intellectual tour-de-force that had me thinking, laughing, crying, and cumming in my pants all at the same time.

I’ve heard that its reception in the Middle East has been fairly negative, but that’s sad! If you can’t laugh at God, who can you laugh at?

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News Special Interest Trolling Uncontrollable Patriotism World

U.S. State Department to “Troll” Terrorists

Borrowing a classic move from The Internet Chronicle, the U.S. State Department is funding an initiative dubbed “Viral Peace,” which aims to “troll” online extremists out of positions of respect and power.

Led by Shahed Amanullah, Viral Peace uses “logic, humor, satire, [and] religious arguments, not just to confront [extremists], but to undermine and demoralize them.”

Expert extremist troll Kilgore Trout was reached for comment.

These extremists, they’re all the same. They get up on their soapbox and say whatever it takes to get people over on their side, and the shit they say, it’s as stupid as it gets. In any zone where they can be challenged, they MUST be challenged, not because they are right or wrong, but because they are DUMB.

Insiders at the State Department revealed that this entire project was inspired by Kilgore Trout’s trolling of AnonNews.com, a site where dumbass 12-year-olds explained their own twisted, absurd and uninformed meanings for Anarchy and Anonymous.

Trout is recognized as the world’s leading expert in this field, and is currently seeking a high-paying job advising Viral Peace on proven strategies.