Everything must be this way

The jackals who closed in on my imagination are not dead yet. In fact, they’re still very alive. The Soft Parade has now begun. Listen to the engines hum. Cobra on my left, Leopard on my right.

Just the hunter of the green vest. Who has wrestled before, with lions in the night – out of sight, the lights are getting brighter. The beauty in your eyes, it fails to see me for who I truly was, and who I truly am – what I’ll arise as, from the ashes, like the great pheonix when you are the one who I rue on your deathbed, you’re forgotten. I fucking hate you. Hershenrider. Hicks. Suhr. VCU. “Teachers” who taught me to hate myself. You’ll rot in hell when I am the media king you fucks feared me to be. When I am the one who made sure the world knew you are sick, suburbanite fucks with slutty daughters who would rather fuck me than respect you. Who would rather be remembered for their passion than obedience.

Yeah, you fucking losers with your 7 am jobs and your 9 o’clock habits of fucking wives that pity you. The crawling kingsnake, he crawls in each of you, but mostly he crawled under your skin and he fucking won, you sad motherfuckers, because he is free, and you are not. I am free, like I said, but not cheap. I win, motherfucker, and I take the winnings where I walk. You will not survive the Revolution. Neither will I. – It’s not ours, it’s Nature’s and when you resist her, you suffer the greatest. Succumb and all is right. All is peace. Can you find your soft asylum? When the Man is at the door?

There’s still a few animals left out in the yard, but it’s getting harder.

Count your sheep, you flock. Number your days, count your blessings, name your daughters Rebecca and Megan and I will take them from you anyway. You are losers. Fucking sit-at-home-mothers and intellectual want-to-be fathers. I am the new Kurt Vonnegut. I am the New Psycho. I am the motherfucker you wish you were. I have the modernity under my old-fashioned raisings and I will rape your state of mind with a smile on my face and a grimace in my chest. I am the golden king. I am the one you wish you could be. I am the writer. I am the solace. I am the Peace. I am War. I am everything you wish you could be, and so much more.

I am every bit of inner dialogue that is missing from your life. I am every bit of intelligence you lack. I am the motherfucking awareness in the back of your mind that you once shunned in favor of blissful ignorance. And I will make you fucking pay. I despise the whole god damn lot of you and there’s not a god damn person on the face of this earth who can strip THAT from me. Are you ready for pain you fucking losers? I hope so. Because pain is your new definition of success. Pain and loss will replace your happiness in the year 2009 and 2010, especially.

For, you see, I am the first coming, forget the second, of knowledge and evolution in practice. I am the voice in your head that asks the questions in silence – that says what you are thinking – that begs the question. But I don’t work for you. No, you’re neither my master nor my enemy. Neutral. Painless. Numb. Worthless. To me, you, my dear readers, are the trash, the scum of society to whom I owe nothing. Not a thousand dollars – not a thousand apologies – but half a dozen fuck-yous and that covers it. Covers the lot of you. I hate you. I hate what you stand for. I hate how you live and the philosophy by which you live. Regardless.

I am the one whose words you have come here to read. “I am the one, who controls the Sun.”

I am your God. Read my words. They will not be re-printed. Only followed.

We’re starting something new now. We don’t follow the rules anymore. We design them.

I’m the crawling Kingsnake, and I rule my den.

I am coming to rule yours, too. When I change the way you habituate yourselves. I will fuck you and hurt you. I will not let go. I will not stop until your system is destroyed enough to resemble mine. I will kill you.

The End Times They Are A-Comin'

chemtrailsThe world bank has collapsed leaving billions broke, as the value of the dollar continues to subdivide hourly.

The United States, the most powerful nation in the world, has been purchased by China fora mere $7 octillion [editor’s note: there is not enough gold in the world to support this amount of money by yesterday’s standards, but sources indicate an apathetic overtone to trading worldwide, resulting in massive, state-coordinated suicides].

Russian bombers circle overhead. American citizens do not know whether it will be a care package or a nuclear device falling from each passing airplane. Either way, independent scientists have confirmed the bombers’ routine flight grid is patterning the continental United States with chemtrails – a swine flu vaccine comprised of 90% mercury, 5% Tamiflu, 2.5% Red Bull, and an unknown ratio of wolf piss to iodine.

Citizens are commanded not to shoot their firearms toward the Russian Angels of Death buzzing overhead, but instead to turn their guns on themselves for a quick-trigger path to what inevitably lies ahead. Sources say, “Jesus will forgive you.”

At the stroke of midnight, the power-grid to the Eastern seabord is to be disconnected to allow for the invasion and scheduled genocide of the stretch of beachhead from Florida to New Jersey. New York, sources say, has become officially “worthless” and will be “spared.”

The upside to all this? Bit torrents still work; in fact, they are attributed by analysts to be the root cause of this sudden change in socio-political landscape. Prepare for chaos.

Illegal Monopoly strategy results in Michigan arrest

monopoly-guyA Michigan man was charged with assault after beating a woman during a game of Monopoly because she “would not sell her Boardwalk and Park Place properties” to him. Since this did not break any rules in Monopoly, game play persisted until the man won the game by sheer intimidation.

The 54-year-old Monopoly slumlord struck the woman in the head, breaking her glasses, she told authorities, forcing the unfair trade with his thug-like business tactics. After knocking her block off, he seized the properties in question without tendering any payment whatsoever.

Some sources have rumored that he placed hotels on the property without making the proper payments. Yet another source claims he manipulated the bank, causing a microcosm of the real-life housing crisis. “He was cooking the books,” said fictitious money analyst Jim Cramer.

The monopoly slum lord was arrested shortly after the game and charged with racketeering in addition to assault and battery.

The man was ordered not to pass go, and not to collect two hundred dollars and then sent directly to jail.  However, he quickly paid the standard $50 bail bond and was set free next turn.

“He should be roaming the streets by morning,” the rule book says.

A Modern Effect

There’s another air strike on your position. Enemy UAV is airborne!

Your commander’s voice is booming over the sound of gunshots and explosions around you. The raging battle is deafening but his voice is louder, telling you to “Kill. Kill. Kill.” Yes God. The adrenaline has rushed into your face and is popping capillaries to the point where your eyesight has become simultaneously dulled to a violent hum and sharpened to perfection. You have loaded a rocket-propelled grenade, it is armed and ready. Your fingers stick to the trigger guards with sweat, but seem to be sewn to it by your nerves.

Orders are to take the Akhbar Bridge, or destroy it trying. Your regiment’s duty is to ensure the continued existence of seven points on the map. So far, you’ve lost one building but not the critical one. Not yours. Sitting. Dividing. Waiting patiently for the signal, you–a man in shrouds appears around the corner, firing his AK-47 before he even sees you. You pull the trigger. Your life, nor your death were in vain because you have killed a would-be attacker, thereby sparing your teammates an embarrassing loss. You might be dead, but so is he. And that’s that. You might be dead, now. An everlasting memory in your family’s eyes, a stain in the dirt, an American Flag sent Home, but at least you killed him.

Connection InterruptedExcept – you didn’t. Because you lag.

Glory holes – unlocking the mystery

Roanoke, Va. – A new study reveals glory hole “goes both ways.”

After thirty-five minutes of rigorous testing, Chinese scientists working undercover for The Elf Wax Times have concluded that a glory hole works in both directions.

“This law is the same for all glory holes, regardless of which direction they are drilled from, and regardless of the thickness of the barrier wall,” concluded lead scientists Harry Johnson, drawing from earlier research conducted by Donna Short and Stacey Stuck.

Elf Wax Scientists conduct valuable research using glory hole technology
Elf Wax Scientists conduct valuable research using glory hole technology

Lead Elf Wax particle-physicist Charles A. Hungwell is the director of the Universal Study of Glory Hole Biotics (GHB) and administrator of many orgies, including the great Stonewall Inn Orgy of June 28, 1969. He said, “Regardless of where you are in space or time, and regardless of your position relative to the glory hole, the laws of physics are really quite consistent.”

As well, he said, unlike with a black hole, what goes in the glory hole “does come out, nine times out of ten.”

When questioned about the tenth percentile in which “nothing comes out,” Mr. Hungwell blushed only to proudly announce his sex change, and that, almost as if by miracle, “no operation” would be necessary.

Chomp.

Facebook drinking at an all-time high

Drunkbook

The most legendary website ever to be used for pulling pussy has seen an increase in the number of people drinking alone at their computers and then announcing it through the News Feeding Trough.

The source of the problem, the U.S. Government said, is the sheer lack of anything enjoyable on the website, whatsoever.

“What’s with all the poking?” asked Norm Macdonald.

Miller Lite said that, paralleling reality, people in a virtual reality will turn to virtual alcoholism as a means of coping with its ordinary lameness. They seek a relationship that “Goes down smooth, and is not too filling.” Fulfilling, that is.

Other sources say that when compared to MySpace (a Rupert Murdoch subsidiary), there is a disproportionate amount of “smart chicks” to slutty easy chicks. “People just aren’t posting tits,” said a hunch-backed old masturbator named Larry.

More as this develops into a preventable disease.

Drunkerbook

WORLD HAILS GLORIOUS NEW LEADER

 

Born under a triple rainbow after a swallow’s song foretold his coming, Kim Jong-un ushers in a new era of Fear across the so-called Lands of Democracy. His birth marks the appearance of an entirely new constellation in the phallic shape of a nuclear weapon.

The decadent West is free only to Fear him and the collapse of their feeble capitalist societies under the imminent weight of his mysterious might.

The most beautiful response to the problem of humanity is nearly 26 years old, and beckoning you from behind the 38th Parallel to the doorstep of his jewel-encrusted palace where, like Christ, he waits with tidings of Love and the oppression of your enemies.

The difference between Kim Jong-un and his father, Kim Jong-il, Elf Wax political analingists say, is his fervor for nuclear annihilation, which puts his father to shame, miraculously without dishonoring him in the process.

“Kim Jong-il,” sources say, “Will grind your weiners into atomic dust for use in the nuclear warheads aimed strategically at Alaska – a hotbed of American culture, and the source of wealth, revenue, power and world-famous quitter Sarah Palin.”

Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live, the Today Show, and the late-night talk show circuit following in the Ayatollah’s footsteps.

Rush Limbaugh is hailing the New World Leader’s glorious descent to humanity by playing hours of interview footage with ex-Soviet fighters who were originally commanded by Kim’s father, whose name also starts with Kim. These interviews include the comments of senile old men with heavy Russian accents who seem to be largely intoxicated.  Most of these cold-warriors express a sense of jealousy towards the Socialist system of America-alarming aging McCarthyists nationwide.

His mother, Kim Jong-suk, or as she’s better known in certain parts of North Korea, Kim Jong-sukky sukky fie dorra, died from the force of his birth, as her pelvis was split asunder.  Today at the age of 23, Kim Jong-Un is reckless and violent enough to dominate all his foes and usher in a new age of pelvis-shattering hate upon any place missiles can reach.