Nutritionist declares recent poop a success

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur enjoyed a “soft, but firm” poop Thursday.

In what might have otherwise been an uneventful bowel movement, Chronicle nutritionist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur noticed a peculiar softness and consistency in Thursday’s stool, such that he was moved to turn around and declare the specimen “a major success.”

“A . . .

Gamer retires from life as time consuming Diablo III career takes off

Jim Hannahan, pictured during his last known public appearance, smiles comfortably just outside the wretched clutches of a long and rewarding Diablo III career.

Roanoke, Va.– 28-year-old Kroger clerk Jim Hannahan stopped going into work when he realized being a cashier at the supermarket was not only beneath a level 60 Legendary . . .

Luka Rocco Magnotta framed by enemies

Canadian police: “It’s just disgusting . . . that someone [deleted] would [deleted] frame [deleted] Magnotta . . . who obviously [loved] his victim.” . . .

Area Father Forced to Take His Belt Off

Richmond, Va. – Harrowing tale of child abuse in a supermarket parking lot as area man bravely accosts his weak, defenseless faggot son. . . .

Diablo III – It’s prettay prettay prettay prettay . . . good

The American gaming male automatically degenerated into an alternating cycle of hardcore gaming and furious, repeated bouts of masturbation Tuesday after Mother Blizzard released her tepid seed into the yawning, fertile womb of jilted fantasy gamers who have already seen enough WoW expansions to make General Patreus reconsider an extensive Iraq strategy.

. . .

New Miracle breakthrough drug containing dead baby flesh “adds years” to your sex life

Seoul – South Korean smugglers caught trafficking millions of pills containing human flesh charged with copyright violations of Lebal Drocer product. . . .

The President is a terrorist

BULLETIN: U.S. PRESIDENT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA, MADE FAMOUS AFTER ESCALATING THE WAR OF TERROR AND BOMBING INNOCENT PEOPLE, IS MORE THAN A VIOLENT TERRORIST – HE IS AN INFORMATION TERRORIST!

BEWARE

Like Bradley Manning, Barack Obama privately lacks respect for the privacy of private communications sent to others in the private . . .

VCU Earth Day goes off without a hitch, “marijuana major contributor,” explains anonymous

Police retake control of a VCU Earth Day protest Friday. . . .

Selena Gomez dead at 19

Fans mourn the loss of Disney’s top-earning teen star Selena Gomez, who died Friday in a drunk driving accident near Santa Monica Boulevard. . . .

Rick Astley battles accusations of child molestation

Rick Astley’s public battle with child molestation accusations . . .