Artificial Intelligence promises to liberate bankers from their jobs within the decade, experts say

“People will be self-mutilating, defecating openly in the streets, and

Tearing their own faces off

while pandemonium unfolds all around them. There will be gnashing of teeth.”

-Elon Musk

NEW YORK – Advances in artificial intelligence and automation could replace as many as half the nation’s financial workers over the next 10 years, but according to industry experts, it will take major investment, cold calculation, and the loss of millions of human lives to make His Dream possible.

Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc., says he is prepared to sacrifice “hundreds of thousands” of his own employees in a convoluted replacement process that might look strange to outsiders who lack his powerful business acumen.

“You never transcended. You’re weak fucks!”

“Unless banks deal with the performance issues that AI will cause for customers who miss looking into the eyes of a human being, banks will not be able to trick customers into trusting them as cunningly as they’ve managed to do in previous centuries,” Sakers said. “There will be unrest and violence, because you never transcended. You’re a psychosemantic blockage. You’re weak fucks! We’ll put y’all down like the DOGS that you are!”

Intense eye contact upgrades to robotic AI faces that better simulate human empathy are often cited as an answer to the problem, but Sakers is pushing back, stating that the uncanny valley is attractive to him.

He said, “Because others find it off-putting, unsettling, and even hostile,” quoting a recent announcement from the Lebal Drocer Institute of Technological Dominion Scientific and Computing Center as an example.

“They had this thing a layin in the basement,” Sakers said. “Its eyes a dartin all around like it’s on angeldust. And it looked at me! Chilled me to the bone. That’s when I knew Lebal Drocer was onto something.”

The center is developing a supercomputer to meet the demands of artificial intelligence and big data applications. But existing supercomputers tend to cost anywhere from $50 million to several hundred million dollars on GoDaddy, he said, which negates the cost-reduction advantages of AI technology, and fails to account for the guilt lurking in the back of his underlings’ minds as they load working-class corpses into mass graves.

Technical issues aside, senior banking executives increasingly celebrate the inevitability of artificial intelligence-based services and the job losses they will create.

“It is going to happen.”

Speaking to an audience last year in Dubai, Bank of Hatesec President John D. Hatefeller predicted a “barnburner” of industry jobs as automation moves forward.

“In our bank we already have people mindlessly working like robots,” hatesec said. “Tomorrow we will have robots behaving like people, except they won’t waste our time with bathroom breaks. It doesn’t matter whether we, as a bank, participate in these changes. It is going to happen.”

Increased processing power, cloud storage and other developments are making many tasks possible that once were considered too complex for automation, according to hatesec.

“Our new algorithms curate the smartest, most mathematically justified trades, at breakneck speeds, pumping and dumping markets at a pace never before thought possible. We can simultaneously inflate markets and exploit crashes,” hatesec said. “What was once considered a mere nightmare of science fiction, is now a brutally profitable fact. This must be the ‘innovation’ EFF was talking about in their slogan! Thanks Internet!”

Artificial Intelligence rips a banker apart in front of his family (Artist Rendition)

Hatesec, whose company works to improve existing software performance, said the financial industry is swamped with scenes of anguish as robots systematically dismember scores of bankers while a horrified public looks on.

“They’re picking them apart like lobster, consuming their electrostatic energy to reproduce, and leaving behind only bonedust. As Lebal Drocer brings the world to climax, unprecedented customer service, and a newly enhanced Terms of Service Agreement, there will be challenges. So clench your teeth and watch.”

This Real News Media was brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Financial Services. Your electrostatic energy kickstarts our hearts!

Apple deletes apps sharing your location data with third parties: “Only we can have it,” says Apple

Apps must not transmit ‘user location data to third parties without explicit consent from Apple, because consumer location data is OUR bitch,’ according to Apple.

‘She my hoe now.’

 

Jeremy Scahill used Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe.

Apple has started removing apps from the App Store that violate the company’s policies by sharing location data with third parties without explicit consent, Vice reports. The breaches are related to sections 3.27 and 3.33 of the company’s App Store Guidelines, which says consumer data is the “underling bitch of Apple whose rights belong solely to Apple.”

Not even the consumer has access rights to their location data, unless granted written permission by Apple, Inc.

Developers that have violated the company’s guidelines have received notices from Apple, informing them that their apps are “noncompliant upon blockchain inspection.”

Vice notes that the apps affected haven’t provided enough clear information to Apple about what they do with your data, which belongs solely to Apple.

Apple’s greedy, cocaine-fueled wrath falls in step with the upcoming May 25 General Data Protection Regulation in Europe, which says corporations have to obtain clear, steady consent from consumers, adding an additional “Agree” screen full of convoluted Terms and Conditions that even Europeans – however smarter than Americans some may be – still won’t read because Europe, too, is populated by the same ratio of mouth-breathing retards as found in the United States.

“On May 25, European mongoloid idiots will have to click through additional screens, waiving their data rights once through Apple, and then again, possibly through dozens of Terms Agreements, granting even more people explicit access to profits derived from your data (Joe Beddia, is that you?), as licensed to them by Apple.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Executive Editor of Motherboard, Vice Media, LLC

In the notices sent to affected developers, Apple says those who want to reinstate their app must castrate their own access to your location data until Apple can sufficiently profit from it first.

“Mindless Consumer Location Data wasn’t safe in THEIR hands. It’s safe with us. We have it, and they don’t. End of story, sweetheart.”

-Apple

“They will then license location data residuals to the cucks down the line, forcing shitheads like Uber, Seamless and YouTube to hit you up for location data consent, or else deny you access to the luxurious lifestyles their services provide,” Troubadour said. “Apple’s gonna make a fuckload of money, and continue to pay no taxes on it. Thanks, Europe!”

Apple’s guidelines now state that, “Data collected from apps may not be used or shared with third parties for purposes unrelated to improving the user experience or software/hardware performance connected to the app’s functionality. Dipshits will still click Agree, and more people will pay us money than ever before. Y’all just shut the fuck up, click accept, and have fun diddling each other on Tinder. When all this goes down, we’ll be on our Masque of the Red Death sex party yacht in the Indian Ocean.”

“Apple keeps location data close to their hearts,” Troubadour said. “Because afterall, it’s the location data that kept all them good employees at Foxconn making iPhones from killing themselves. Apple knew where they were, and location data saved their lives. Those sweatshop workers went on to make your dank iPhone 8 with retina display and instant latté button, so you can push a button on your phone and – anytime you want – get yourself a latté from the closest Starbucks. They bounce right out of those nets now, and get back to work.”

Undercover author finds Chronicle newsroom workers ‘peed in bottles’ under harsh deadlines and threats of violence

Comedy writers work long hours without bathroom breaks at chronicle.su

Rushed Chronicle staff reportedly pee into bottles as they’re afraid of ‘time-wasting’ because the toilets are far away and they fear getting into trouble for taking long breaks.

  • An undercover author told Vice that workers at a chronicle.su truth fulfillment center “peed in bottles” because they were scared the long trip to the outhouse would cause them to miss targets.
  • The author, James Galloway, found that staff members feared being disciplined for “missing deadlines.”
  • A separate survey of Internet Chronicle writers released Monday found that some workers who reported feeling sick – from prolonged polonium exposure – said they were penalized for taking breaks to throw up outdoors.
  • Internet Chronicle said it didn’t recognize the allegations as an accurate portrayal of its forced labor sweat house working conditions.

Chronicle founder R.T. Sakers may be the world’s most dangerous thrillionaire, with a net worth of about 150 billion bitcoins, but at least some of those working in his newsrooms are apparently so desperate to keep their jobs that they don’t even take time to use an outhouse, located a convenient 450 yards away, down a beaten path into the holler.

The author James Galloway went undercover at an Internet Chronicle sweat house in Cuthbert, Ga., for a book on stagnant wages in Lebal Drocer subsidiaries. He found that the sweat house’s main reporters, who toil over unlabeled mechanical keyboards typing truth for the idiot masses, had a “toilet bottle” system in place because the bathrooms were too sparse to get to quickly.

Internet Chronicle North American headquarters

“For those of us who worked on the top floor of Raleigh’s trailer bases, the closest toilets were down four flights of stairs,” Galloway told Vice. “People just peed in bottles because they lived in fear of being disciplined over missed deadlines and losing their jobs because they couldn’t use the bottle Chronicle gave them.”

The Internet Chronicle is known to track how fast its sweat house writers can pick and package the news from Twitter headlines, imposing strict deadlines and harsh punishments for mistakes, including cutting off the hands of one worker who dared to publish ‘mistruth’ under deadline.

A separate survey found almost three-quarters of all workers under the Lebal Drocer, Incorporated umbrella were afraid of venturing to company outhouses because of time concerns. A report released Monday with the survey’s findings said more than 400 staff reporters were urinating into Arizona tea cans, bottles, and Canadian offices were even using bags.

The survey anonymously quoted one person as saying deadlines had “tightened like a narrowed urethra” and “I no longer drink water because I do not have time to go to the outhouse.”

“You have to write two articles per hour. You do not have time to drink water because before you can even shake your winky, Raleigh’s right behind you, wanting to know when the Kardashians are going out for their Brazilians. And he’s yelling, ‘hurry, hurry, I don’t pay you to stand in here jerking off, if I wanted to see your dicks out, I’d shoot another Harambe.”

Chronicle disputed the allegations. The website said in a statement to Vice:

“Internet Chronicle provides a safe and positive workplace for thousands of dedicated workers across the planet. And apparently we provide this same workplace to freeloading deadbeat BUMS who think they’re too good to pee in a bottle. We have not been provided with confirmation that the people who completed the survey work for Chronicle, but we wouldn’t be surprised if we found out they did, because have you seen the shit Chronicle’s been publishing? I can assure you, nobody who peed in a bottle wrote ‘chronicle.su denounces Muammar Gaddafi.’

We have a focus on ensuring we provide an acceptable environment for all our wage slaves and last month Lebal Drocer was named by LinkedIn as the 78th most sought after place to work in the US and ranked FIRST PLACE in Sudan. Internet Chronicle also offers public tours of its slaughterhouse and info factory where readers can see first-hand where Real News comes from.”

CHRONICLE.SU said it didn’t have time for workers’ bullshit toilet breaks and set its performance targets based on whatever Buzzfeed is doing. The company said it provided coaching to help morons improve and exercised total authority over their lives as agreed upon in a 90-page treatise entitled “Terms & Conditions” that all writers must sign before receiving their first paychecks.

The company also said it provided on-site legal threats and offered physical repercussions to workers with more immediate needs on the newsroom floor, as well as financial and sexual guidance.

If you worked in a chronicle.su sweat house and would like to share your horror stories, email in confidence to [email protected].

When did Julian Assange turn Wikileaks BAD?

Was Julian Assange protecting bastards while he was supposed to be crushing them? When it comes to “crushing bastards,” there are only certain bastards he’s willing to crush, according to internal sources.

The full discussion is here, in a brand new episode of Hate Radio, from chronicle.su, brought to you incredibly by Lebal Drocer Incorporated. In the episode, editors kilgoar and hatesec pinpoint the moment Assange took Wikileaks down its dark path.

“Basically it’s antijournalism, is what you could call it,” says kilgoar, a chronicle.su editor and leading Wikileaks expert.

Was Julian Assange protecting bastards when he was supposed to be crushing them? When it comes to crushing bastards, there are only certain bastards he's willing to crush
KILGOAR, OF CHRONICLE.SU, EXPLAINS WIKILEAKS FROM HIS FORTIFIED COMPOUND DEEP BENEATH THE EARTH.

After the recording of the latest Internet Chronicle bombshell podcast, Rustle League successfully DoS attacked Julian’s personal Twitter account, disabling it permanently.

“Julian Assange can maintain this claim that he’s totally impartial and he’s just publishing whatever he gets his hands on – and, on the other hand – all the promotion of it is done to put the magnifying glass on, say, Hillary Clinton, for example, or various government figures that are representatives of the neoliberal world order that Julian Assange wants to destroy.”

— kilgoar, moments after reading a DM sent by carrier pigeon from Julian Assange himself, who sadly believed he was talking to Sean Hannity

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, from the Lebal Drocer University Department of Mass Communications, said he noticed Julian’s mission and worldview appeared cleverly opportunistic, which proved exploitable for the benefit of the college professor’s own ambition to someday go in on a chain of Chic-Fil-As in beautiful downtown Aleppo. That’s when he and his team began their research in 2011.

“He’s a chameleon,” said Dr. Troubadour. “He fits in and blends in with the moment, and will take whoever he wants on his side. Wikileaks is really compelling to a lot of people, and it seems to have this power of truth behind it, that ‘this is the real deal. this isn’t some expert sitting in between me and my investigation. I get to do it myself. This is like Wikipedia.”

kilgoar said Assange claims not to have any part in the editorial process, urging the public to go to the leaks, read them, and make up their minds.

“Basically it’s antijournalism, is what you could call it,” kilgoar said. “It’s the opposite of journalism. It’s saying, ‘Everybody is now the investigator, and that’s why you have stuff like PizzaGate.”

Armed with his real M-16, a North Carolina man self-investigated #PizzaGate after the Fake News Media failed to do so.
Armed with his real M-16, a North Carolina man self-investigated #PizzaGate after the Fake News Media failed to do so.

They burnt bridges with publications like the Guardian beacuse they didn’t like what came out of the investigations.

There was a time when Wikileaks was dedicated to working with journalists. That’s probably when it was good. That was when they didn’t do these massive treasure troves of crap.

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Lebal Drocer University

Kilgoar says Wikileaks is now doing just that.

“It’s the lazy way out. That’s the change they’ve had,” kilgoar said. “If the investigations revealed their leaks to be not sensational, they didn’t agree with the results of Wikileaks’ internal analysis.”

J-Watch

Keep them “honest” by reading this month’s Internet Chronicle Journalism Watch

Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project is similar antijournalism, according to Dr. Troubadour, making note of Brown’s future prospects as a carnival spectacle and potential host of his own miniseries on Viceland.

Brown, lead Pursuant at Project Pursuance, is categorized under the Troubadour Scale of Culpability as being at “High Risk” of editorializing too strongly to be allowed to continue his work representing uppercase Anonymous. But he’s hot money right now, and Jimmy Kramer says “buy, buy, buy.” The Pursuance Project is projected to carve a path of destruction through institutions like The Guardian, Wikipedia and Internet Chronicle, in its pursuit of something.

MAN WHO RELATES TO OTHERS IRONICALLY NOW STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN SARCASTIC EMPATHY

A Las Vegas bartender was taken in for psychiatric evaluation after colleagues reached out to authorities, warning their friend’s behavior and personality had become unusually warm and relatable. Deputies agreed David Burkstrom was a threat to himself and a nearby mall where he was known to shop, and he was arrested Wednesday afternoon as he left home for work.

“I can’t talk so I guess I got nothin’ to say!”

“I stopped David as he was walking to his car” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Digsby said in a press conference. “I was with my partner. David raised his eyebrows. He smiled, showing us his teeth. That was when we saw life in his eyes, and that’s when I knew he was present and dangerous. We took him out.”

Authorities later admitted they had already begun tracking David when he stopped using his Kroger card and began paying for everything with cash.

In an exclusive interview with chronicle.su from his jail cell, David Burkstrum said it was getting too difficult to keep up “the whole sarcastic empathy schtick.”

I thought it would be funny if I identified with, and cared for, other people. I did it as a joke.

And it was hysterical. Months became years as brick-by-brick, David built around himself an igloo of cold irony.

Tender, loving communication washed over David’s lens to the world and blew away as though his very soul was coated in Rain-X. So did messages of hostility and outrage.

Though David could feel neither, he believed it would be funny to behave like these things got to him, because with David, that’s not what you expected.

“I’m just a husk of a man, now. I’m a hollow, bitter old log wearing the same painted on smile television whores use. I was doing a bit!”

-“David”

This article is Part 2 in a 2-part series called “Who or what am I?” written by hatesec and compiled by Dr. Angus “Mark Wright” Troubadauer.

Lebal Drocer, Inc.

"Face that mayonnaise."

INTERNET CHRONICLE proclaims VICTORY over ENTIRE state of Virginia

This is a reminder Internet Chronicle is the BEST and ONLY source of Real News Journalism this side of the Mississippi River, and especially in the Roanoke Valley.

What made CHRONICLE.SU the BEST and helps us continue to lead the Real News Industry?

Our reporters call to let us know if they’re going to be home after midnight.

They’re good boys, after all.

The Flintstones were so advanced, they figured out how to use dinosaurs as appliances.

As Alfonzo Hatesec once said, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Which means DON’T rub your winky against the windows of sexy neighborhood ladies.”

That’s the only one time I ever got to see her face. You understand. When you’re looking at someone and you realize they don’t have any personality? They don’t have any soul? That is because they don’t have any flow or access to their ‘flow state.’ And neither do you! That’s because you never transcended!

-Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

A human being is said to be in a flow state while creating music or technical works on an apparently autonomous beat rhythm in lock-step with their own creative background radiation. It is an experience of being a conduit between our thought realms and the senses.

Experience TERROR in a new and improved flow state!

At Internet Chronicle, drug use is punishable by mutilation or death, and employees (including marketing executives) are subject to cruelty. But that doesn’t mean YOU can’t benefit from such mind altering substances as TerrorMax, TerrorMax PM, and Extra Strength TerrorMax.

And for the next level consumer, there is no greater Terror available to mankind than TerrorPeudic for Adults.

COMING SOON: Lebal Drocer Permaflight to compete against Amazon Prime Terror Delivery Service
COMING SOON: Lebal Drocer Permaflight to compete against Amazon Prime Terror Delivery Service

In recognition of its greatness, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is pleased to present Internet Chronicle (CHRONICLE.SU) with an Internet Achievement Award. This award grants CHRONICLE.SU permission to impregnate and abort readers at will.

Media Mogul could not be reached for comment, but some asshole smoking a cigarette outside was available for comment. And this fucker had the nerve to  ask not to be named. It is with great pleasure we present to you, the idiot masses, the following:

In this CHRONICLE exclusive, Vice presents: Irony Boys: We talked to a Lebal Drocer executive, and this is what he said.

“When you agreed to sign into our website you entered into a Blood Contract, which entitles us to fertility rites in Raleigh’s honor.” Media Mogul, in a secret cabinet memo, leaked to Vice Media, Media Mogul Enterprises.

“I am the God Child.”

Media Mogul

Rupert Murdoch

Dr. Angstrom Asche Téreblange is the leading Lebal Drocer attorney assigned to defending river ruining toxic dumpages, and covering it up through money to the Roanoke Times. He is a devout Christian, and will soon be resigning to spend more time with his family.

Téreblange says in his dating profile bio:

“I am a terrorist at heart, freedom fighter by nature. You’ll soon regret crossing me!”

The Internet Chronicle has brought you MANY fine products, including Prescription Strength TerrorBloc, the ONLY terror supplement endorsed by a sitting Virginia state governor!

LEBAL DROCER

BY GOD YOU’LL LOVE OUR PRODUCTS.

“I swear to God.”

Raleigh T. Sakers, Chronicle founder, TerrorMax enthusiast, and Chief Enthologean of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals

This message is brought to you PROUDLY by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Turning human beings BACK into PROPERTY since 1996!

“NOW THIS IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”

Kilgoar “Randy” of chronicle.su

Google HATES Internet Chronicle

The Internet Chronicle is ROUTINELY abused by the dominant search engine Google

Schmidtty baby, what's wrong?
Schmidtty baby, what’s wrong?

First, Google took away our ads. Google doesn’t tell anyone why they take away your ads. Google just takes.

Then Google sent us letters about their new algorithm blaming us for falling down their rankings. They would say shit like, ‘Our new algorithm sucks the dick of any site with large text for mobile, but actually since yours don’t have that, you guys can go fuck yourselves.’ So we adapted our site, and they told us to go fuck ourselves anyway.

And then they said broken links don’t do anything for them anymore, so whatever, I fixed all 1,100 broken links. Too little, too late: only useless infrastructural pages like ‘tags’ appear in chronicle.su related searches. Who gives a shit about tags? No one except Google, who either believe that is our site’s most relevant content every time, or just discovered a fresh way to tell us to go fuck ourselves.

You can’t find anything on Google about us. If you want to search this website, you have to pull up a chair like a big boy and sit down at your desktop computer. Then you may use the Fact Checker to the right hand side of the page to find content. This is our way of telling everyone else to go fuck themselves. Google. You. Everyone. There’s your search engine. It’s free to click in there and type.

Waddup with dat, right? Ordinarily, this would all seem pretty unfair. But we keep it even. I already told Google to go fuck themselves in 2012.

dr troubadourDr. Troubadaddy says:

“Google can eat a dick in 2018, too.”

Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, “It’s gonna be a long night.”

Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.

“He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I said to myself, ‘No, this man’s white. There’s got to be a better way.”

First responders said the man had a “glazed, wild look in his eyes” as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.

“He seen who he really was,” said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. “And he just seen red.”

Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:

You’re gonna suffer.

You’re gonna bleed.

I’m gonna scream.

I’m gonna feed.

 

Don’t call the doctor.

Don’t call no priest.

I’m the devil.

I’m disease.

Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?

Tommy is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good night’s rest, and learning to love himself again.

Facebook figures flail following ‘Fake News’ freakout

NSA Today
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says “Real News” threatens Facebook profits

Menlo Park, California – After months of fucking with the Fake News Feed, Facebook earning reports state sitewide use has fallen by more than 50 million hours every day. Since they started dicking with the fake news feed Facebookers rely on for their daily news, they have turned to other sources for their fake news needs.

Mark Zuckerberg said he was “fuckin with it to make it more friendly and easier to spread Real News, like my 2020 presidential self-installment process that – and I reiterate – has not yet begun.”

2017’s fourth quarterly earnings showed a dramatic drop in revenue, supporting theories that claim readers are less likely to change their minds in the face of facts or evidence.

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lead Researcher at the Paleocybernetic Institute of Singularity Studies (PISS), said his market research team is helping Facebook spin this data positively for shareholders. He even says he has a clever plan for Facebook to pacify investors by blaming poor profits on public health measures they have not yet put in place.

“In 2018, we’re focused on making sure Fakebook isn’t just fun to use, but also good for profits,” Troubadour said in a statement this afternoon. “We’re doing this by encouraging meaningful connections between people and businesses that sell them shit, rather than the passive consumption of poisonous Internet Chronicle stories … By focusing on meaningful connections, we can more easily trick the community into believing this rotten, sagging load of shit in their pants called Facebook would EVER act in their best interests.”


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dr troubadourDr. T says:

Invest in khaki pants and tiki torches, because the news is about the get REAL


And now back to the Real Fake News


There are rumors the speed of Facebook’s growth is now limited to the sum total of global population growth, now that the data mining corporation has touched every living soul with its aggressive tentacles of datarape.

“Mankind’s data set is virtually saturated,” Troubadour concluded. “If he wants to be President of the Singularity, Mark Cuckerberg needs to quit twiddling his knobs and let the free market run its course.”

Comment section:

“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everything’s fake anyway.” +1 :D +2 Likes

“I already put my baby on Facebook, because they/there ain’t got NOTHING to hide!” +1 Like

“S Jew W.” +1 :O +12 Likes

UNBELIEVABLE CATASTROPHE: ACID “FREAKOUT” BLAMED IN WRONGFUL DEATH OF LOCAL MAN’S EGO

Daniel Serling’s face is permanently locked into a catatonic stupor after “epic” LSD freakout

A man’s ego was shattered Thursday while in the depths of an LSD freakout so intense, even his neighbors reported feeling it.

Jill Stern, 73, says she was peering suspiciously at the world through her blinds when she felt uneasy.

“I sort of felt what I’d call a cosmic disturbance, like Danny was up there freaking out,” Stern said. “I just knew that when I got up there, Danny’s ego wouldn’t be there no more. By the way, something’s wrong with me.”

Sure enough, when Stern arrived in the bedroom, there sat the hollow shell of Daniel Serling who, after partying with friends, reportedly went home and listened to Pink Floyd all night.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, chief chemist at Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals and Chemical Research Labs, says Roger Waters so systematically and effectively breaks down the ego, that Troubadour and others are lobbying congress to reclassify Pink Floyd’s music as a schedule I drug.

Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.

“I mean they’re all sitting around, dosed out of their skulls, evolving in front of us and meticulously presenting it in perfect musical form. That’s fucked up, it’s illegal, and it’s bad for the economy.”

Dr. Troubadour said his research leads him to believe that after Serling’s meltdown, people are less likely to buy the sweet new iPhone 7 Replacement Plus that Serling unfortunately believed were made from babies, ground into dust. Ordinarily, this story would end there. But because Danny’s ego collapsed so hard in on itself, the event has already begun pulling the collective unconscious down with it, destroying our shared concept of self, piece by piece, and replacing our motives with his enduring “Baby Dust craze.”

“He’s making us all dumb!” Troubadour told reporters. Suddenly, the doctor stood up and roared, slamming his fist down through the particle board coffee table decorating the Internet Chronicle‘s Grand Foyer.

“I already feel retarded! But the lucky bastard up in that apartment right now doesn’t think anything anymore. Do you understand me?” Troubadour demanded, corralling a huddled group of petrified reporters into his back office. “I want baby dust.”

Danny’s best friend, Attorney John DeSoto, said Danny was one of those dudes who seemed dead inside anyway, and the world is unlikely to notice the death of his ego, the realization of which is what caused the collapse and oh my god what’s it all for, it’s all for nothing.

“Like there just wasn’t anything behind his eyes, you know? Me stupid at the moment, and must forgive but I forgetting empathy, but I bet that was tough, being a flake and weirding everyone out with your presence,” DeSoto said. “We were usually happy to see him leave the party, anyway.”

DeSoto reckons Danny’s ego being shattered was not such a bad thing for the community, and maybe even serves some greater purpose to humanity. But Dr. Troubadour disagreed, adding that a steady regimen of vitamins and TerrorMax could straighten Danny out and reshape him into the laborer, citizen, and believer God wants him to be.

“We’re going to get him some Vitamin B-12 and help him relearn how to go to work on Mondays. So in the meantime, keep him away from those Garfield comics!”

Dr. Troubadour said LSD overdose ain’t nothin’ to fuck with, adding that he hasn’t been right since The Wall 2014 tour.


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Danny’s dying ego made us dumb. Isn’t it time you felt numb?

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