Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation to Secure Permanent Embassy Home For Julian Assange

Barrett Brown called the chronicle.su to express his enthusiasm for Weev's fundraising campaign.
Barrett Brown has been publicly criticizing Assange, who then got butthurt and took away his money.

Barrett Brown cussed that old Julian Assange for the last time. He cussed him bad enough, and a lady from the Courage Foundation wrote Barrett to notify him they were pulling his whistleblower aide.

After cutting ties to Barrett Brown, the Courage Foundation redirected funding to finance a lifetime lease on Julian Assange’s embassy hotel room, which would have run out soon without that money.

The money has been placed in a secondary fund, the Lebal Drocer Valor Foundation, to commemorate Assange’s bravery in Brown’s historic removal.

barrett brown removed from courage foundation

With Brown out of the way, Assange can resume carrying out transparency against his enemies.

The Valor Foundation: A New Dawn

Assange, no longer threatened by the imminence of the Pursuance Project, will sleep soundly tonight…if he can ignore the scratching sounds of Barrett carefully picking apart the floorboards, and crumbing for representation.

Newly discovered cave paintings depict ancient lives of intense boredom

It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because we’re not into that boring shit anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.

Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.
Reddit users were given first glimpse of the cave paintings, which were quickly downvoted off the front page before they could bore anyone else.

Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.

“We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsung’s barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or – if you’re a Jeff Gordon fan – a Chevrolet bow-tie,” Troubadox said. “My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the  aesthetic that a Snapchat filter might’ve offered – or for other reasons – like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.”

While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.

Even a star exploding in the daytime sky looks boring when painted on a dank cave interior. Pics or it didn't happen!
Even a star exploding in the daytime sky looks boring when painted on a dank cave interior. Pics or it didn’t happen!

Though we are likely two months out from seeing the next iPhone, Troubadox and his team are working tirelessly to scan and publish cave paintings, as if they are even remotely worth looking at when there’s so much cool stuff happening right now on Instagram.

“Instagram pictures aren’t just square, anymore. The introduction of rectangles to the platform has revolutionized the way people share,” Troubadox said. “We hope to recreate some of these paintings for upload to Instagram where they can be dismissed with the same apathy as the uninspired, insipid, low-resolution shit already on there. We want these cave paintings treated like pictures of your slutty friends and stuff. Jerk off to them, and move on.”

“Did you see that guy do a sick loop in his stolen commercial airliner before committing suicide?” writes a reddit user. “Press F to pay respects.”

The caves, after being documented, will be demolished to make way for a planned 2021 extension to the Short Pump Mall in Richmond, Virginia.

Dr. Troubadour Accused of Running Fake News Boot Camp to Train Boys to Become Fake Newsmen

Troubadour is accused of amassing a child army
Troubadour is accused of amassing a child army.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is being detained in a mobile diesel therapy unit en route to Cuthbert, Georgia in the Southeastern US, after documents tied him to a Lebal Drocer executive responsible for the stillborn deaths of hundreds of thousands of children in South Carolina, and who is sought in connection with an illegal “Fake News Bootcamp” where children are taught to write dangerous forms of Internet satire.

Georgia state authorities are seeking to question a prominent hate speech historian, Raleigh T. Sakers, who they suspect trained dozens of malnourished children to commit mass disinformation campaigns in their communities.

In addition to the defamed Lebal Drocer University professor Dr. Troubadour, recently released court documents accuse Sakers, the mysterious corporate executive behind the Lebal Drocer Uranium Waste Spill of 2011, of training children whose ages range from 16, all the way down to toddlers, to write lies, fabrications, and publish fake news under the guise of satire.

A Forced Product

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

The purpose: To inflict harm by unleashing unrest, laughter, and disinformation upon the masses

Since the spring semester of Fake News For Fuck-Ups, Sakers’ students have come away jaded, sardonic, and world weary. Ready to attack our clean civilization.

“May you proceed into the world holding a mirror up to society. And may your mirror be concave, harness the power of the sun, and melt down your enemies with a fiery stare.”

–Plaque outside R.T. Sakers’ abandoned Cuthbert, Ga. office

Sakers, who is also accused of exploiting the poor and disenfranchised for personal gain, has absolved himself of all guilt.

But them Georgia boys was watchin’

Children are underfed and sent to bed without dinner, until they come up with something funny. | chronicle.su
Children are underfed and sent to bed without dinner, unless they write something funny. At a website where ‘mistruths are punished by mutilation or death,’ the kids walk a high wire between impressing their editors, and offending them with tepid trash.

Cuthbert Sheriff Richard Petty said, “We had learned the occupants were most likely heavily armed and considered satirical extremists.”

The court papers show that Sakers, author of the self-help series “Transcendental Man,” is heir to the  Lebal Drocer fortune, and hates fake news, as well as the so-called real news.

Georgia police executed a search warrant for Sakers and his estate after video surfaced of kids crying to be fed, while being forced to type on outdated computers in a hot crawlspace between two trailers.

Terror at 8chan after Hotwheels goes missing

Hotwheels gone dark

Is he leaving #QAnon stuck with the bill?

Hotwheels, the operator of an alternative imageboard generator, has gone missing after reports surfaced that Frederick Brennan – an intellectual powerhouse – is the engine propelling #QAnon and shepherds The Message all the way to the President’s rallies in Numbnuts, Florida.

They were smart people, because they were on acid. You have to have a god damn PhD in Chemistry just to take that stuff.

Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabour

The disappearance, while newsworthy, is unsurprising.

Brennan participates in the imageboards created on his platform, and has indicated in the past plans to escape off the grid, “should the axe ever come down.”

The axe is fallen, mon frere. Release the second report!

Anyone with information relating to Brennan’s whereabouts are urged to contact the Internet Chronicle News Desk, at (917) 675-4836. Warning: He is dangerous. He is a walking weapon.

Read the #QAnon report here first: The #QAnon Report II — What Will the President Do?

comin at ya from the underground

chronicle.su

Google Glass helps kids with autism read facial expressions like anger and paranoia

  • Anyone in the presence of Google Glass expresses anger and paranoia, which are just two sets of facial expressions that people with autism have difficulty identifying
  • Children with autism were able to improve their social skills by using Google Glass to help them understand outrage in the presence of Google Glass, according to a pilot study by researchers at Lebal Drocer Laboratories in Silicon Valley
Google Glass accurately guesses facial expressions, and even offers clues as to what people might be thinking about you.
Google Glass accurately guesses facial expressions, and even offers clues as to what people might be thinking about you.

The therapy, described in Dr. Alpha M. Troubadour’s 18-month study published in the Lebal Drocer Medical Review, uses an Internet Chronicle-designed app that provides real-time cues about other people’s facial expressions to a child wearing Google Glass.

As the child interacts with others, the app identifies and names their emotions through the Google Glass speaker (embarrassing) or onscreen. After one to three months of regular use, parents reported their children made more eye contact and recognized indignation, anger, and outrage faster than before.

Prior to participating in the study, Thomas avoided eye contact. Now, he stares motherfuckers down.
Prior to participating in the study, Thomas avoided eye contact. Now he stares motherfuckers down like he’s targeting them.

“People used to feel bad for my autistic son, who could not recognize their efforts to engage him. Now, not only can he recognize uneasiness in people’s faces, he has learned how to tell when he is unwelcome in a room. And when he looks in the mirror, even he can see what a colossal douchebag he is.”

Daphne, 42

Dr. Troubadour’s Summer Health Tips For an Alpha Male Physique

Sup Broski? Dr. Trubes here and have I got a Hot Heaping Helping of Summer Health Tips for YOU!

Reading totally blows dicks, but stay with me, betacucks, and you’ll come out on the other side a stronger, healthier, and more dominant, Alpha Male.

  • Angstrom H. Troubador’s new self-help health book for “bros,” Healthy as Fuck, is in stores now!

    Keep a buff summer body by poking yourself with steroids on a regular basis. But remember: If you’re not yet yelling at your best friends, you still haven’t taken enough.

  • Stay flexible by all the time looking over your shoulder. There might not be anybody there wanting to hurt you this time, but now your neck is limber and taught!
  • Use DMT. The dream molecule makes veteran fighter Joe Rogan STRONGER than a mule, because spiritual gains translate directly into muscle mass, bro. If you will it, dude, it is no dream!

How to get a six pack

Can you lift Steel? Go to any corner store and pay a man $15. Buy something with pep: Steel Reserve. Just kidding! *(we have fun here) And before we move on–

[THIS JUST IN]

CHRONICLE.SU RECALL ALERT

A popular pharmaceutical called TerrorMax has been recalled after reports the medicine was made in a laboratory situated on a uranium spill site. When Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals acquired the disaster area in 2013, they promised to use the site only for experiments, and not mass production.

An inside source close to the laboratory insists the drug was recalled because “the effect is unintentional.”

“It’s not necessarily bad,” the source said, “but you will get cancer in your pituitary gland.”

“Day and night we heard trucks dumping in the river,” Melody said. “Now everybody’s sick with Pituitary Strength TerrorMax. We didn’t ask for this! We bought REGULAR TerrorMax!”

It is now well known the site has been used as a medium scale production facility since at least March 2017, when Pituitary Strength TerrorMax was first introduced into Asian test markets.

News reporters gathered outside the Troubadour Hotel want to know:

Who are you wearing?

dr troubadour“Oh this? I’m wearing Gucci, baby. Ya piece of shit. And that’s my Lambo. It might lack the performance of a Ferrari. That’s because it’s a style car.

I’m Dr. fuckin’ Troubadour. You’re sick. Pay me.”

That’s Fake News

Terry is a Lebal Drocer Rewards member. He gets access to new drugs faster, and his prescriptions last LONGER! | chronicle.su
Terry is a Lebal Drocer Rewards member. He gets access to new drugs faster, and his prescriptions last LONGER!

“Dr. Troubadour gave me a prescription for percocets.”

Every week I put my life in this doctor’s soft, soft hands.

I don’t trust a man who won’t bang horse with me from the same needle. I trust Dr. Troubadour.

Do not approach Dr. Troubadour from behind.

SPOTIFY DELETES ALEX JONES FOR HATE CONTENT

Alex JonesThe globalist music streaming service Spotify has removed episodes of “The Alex Jones Show” for violating its hate content policy, deliberately attacking Jones’ First Amendment right to Conspiracy as a religion.

“I was born into censorship. I was born being suppressed.” — Alex Jones

Emerick Jones is an American radio host and conspiracy theorist on Genesis Communications Network. He owns infowars.com, a trusted news outlet by Internet Chronicle, and he’s friends with Joe Rogan, after whom our weed is named. It’s a pure sativa, so you can achieve maximum mental potential. When used with Silverlung Technology, higher states of consciousness are unlocked, becoming accessible to the human mind.

President Trump described Jones’ reputation as “amazing.”

While many of Jones’ followers are virulent Holocaust deniers, Jones himself is a Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting truther, who denies the event and 26 deaths associated with it. He’s trolling!

Get it?

No official word yet as to whether Spotify will explain their decision to delete infowars podcasts, but insiders say George Soros has tentacles in every app on the Android Market and iTunes store.

“It goes all the way to the top.” — Anonymous

QAnon Leaks: Trump leverages second report to pressure Attorney General Sessions to stop Mueller probe ‘right now’

Trump and Bobby Mueller colluding? It’s more likely than you think!

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A prescient Donald Trump scanned his audience at a rally in Tampa on Tuesday. He was greeted by his own underground army: QAnon. He beamed out into the crowd. They saw each other.

Even CNN admits the Russia investigation is a sham. It’s actually a cover story for special counsel Robert “Bobby” Mueller and Donald Trump working together to expose thousands of pedophiles hidden in plain sight. Hillary, Bill — even Barry Hussein — soon will ALL be under arrest!

Cryptic messages from proven hacker and Trump-insider QAnon suggest the reason Barack Obama is laying low since leaving office is out of fear for his reputation, as the QAnon leaks close in around him, strangling the extravagant lifestyle afforded to him by insurance companies, as repayment for that time he forced Americans to buy shitty insurance.

The GOP may have lost the Alabama special election for Jeff Sessions’ Senate seat on purpose: Where do you think President Trump picked up his flair for 4-D chess?

The plan was cooked up years ago out of Sessions’ desire to reveal the use of fraudulent voting machines, improving the integrity of future American elections. His plan expanded to include the removal of conspiracy power players such as George Soros, the Bilderberg Group, and the entire Illuminati.

Experts call the plan ambitious, but leaders in the field believe Sessions, together with the President, can pull it off (with a little help from a friend). Chief Political Strategist for the George McGovern campaign, Dr. Armstrong, F. Troubadaexeur, said the White House is calm and collected as they move their pieces into checkmate against enemies like Mexico, who would deflower, debase and subjugate our sweet land of liberty.

“I know the President said Jeff Sessions should stop Bob Mueller, and all that,” Troubadaexeur said. “I know he talks a lot about TV ratings. But probably what I know, more than all that, is everything – and I mean, everything – is going just as Father Trump intended it.”

QAnon

The Storm

QAnon is the force looking out for America. A cabal of global elites, including top figures in Hollywood and TV, the Democratic Party, and various intelligence agencies, are responsible for ALL the evil in the world. And now Trump is going to fix it all with thousands of sealed indictments. Hillary and Obama will WISH they closed Guantanamo Bay after the President is finished with them. And QAnon makes all this possible.

The QAnon report’s anticlimax did little to slow down QAnon Fever, which has gripped audiences and taken the nation by storm. That is why it’s called The Storm. That’s because Trump possesses another OIG report that would bring down his enemies (who are, by extension, our enemies) once and for all. The second report proves the FBI, Justice Department and top Democrats broke laws in a miserly effort to prevent Trump from taking power. Now, QAnon says, Trump need only release it.

Sweet Release

QAnon called on the President and Sessions to end the Witch Hunt, and dismantle Mueller’s apparatus of injustice.

“The president is not obstructing,” White House Press Secretary Sanders said. “He is fighting back.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE, chronicle.su: REPORTS INDICATE THE WHITE HOUSE FOUND A PRESS SECRETARY THEY CAN KEEP]

As conditions worsen, release of the second QAnon report becomes more imminent. Time is running out.

QAnon could soon set his sights on Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who has defended Mueller against accusations in Congress.

QAnon did not respond to numerous, repeated attempts for comment. He is invited to call in live Wednesday, August 1, at 11:30 p.m. Hate Radio guest call-in line: (917) 675-4836

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

What about Seth Rich though?

Internet Chronicle adds ‘Don’t Be Evil’ clause to its Code of Conduct, raising alarm

INTERNET–The Internet Chronicle’s unofficial motto has long been the simple phrase “The only news that matters.” But that’s over, according to the code of conduct that chronicle.su distributes to its employees. The phrase was added sometime in late Rocktober, or early Rocktember, archives hosted by the Wayback Machine show.

Some find the winky-face emoticon unsettling, but chicks dig it.
Some find the winky-face emoticon unsettling, but chicks are into it.

The lack of any reference to Evil has been deeply incorporated into Internet Chronicle’s overall lack of cultural responsibility.

“Don’t be evil” was never part of the company’s corporate code of conduct before now, even under an older name. When The Elf Wax Times was reorganized under a new parent company in 2010, the Real News site became The Internet Chronicle, and assumed a slightly adjusted exclusion of the motto, “Try not to be evil.”

Unfortunately, without any context or acknowledgment that “Don’t be evil” was missing from the website, it was difficult to remember a time when other versions of the motto also did not exist. However, chronicle.su retained its original “Be evil” implications until the past several days, or something like that. You don’t want to know what we were doing.

dr troubadour“It makes your hair stand up.”

–Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Doctor of Astrology, Lebal Drocer University

The lack of any phrase referencing Evil has been deeply incorporated into Internet Chronicle’s abject lack of cultural responsibility–so much so that a version of the phrase has served as the wifi password on the three-plank canoes that ferry Chronicle writers over a canal of stagnant pollution, and into the fortified publishing complex located in a rural zone of Cuthbert, Georgia.

stacked up trailers like something out of Borderlands
Internet Chronicle North American headquarters (with rear-facing canal access)

Readers became suspicious. When they felt that because there was no outfacing motto instructing writers not to be evil, the assumption was chronicle.su might be doing evil things. They were right.

Despite this significant change, chronicle.su’s code of conduct still retains one reference to the company’s unofficial motto–the final line of the document reads: “Don’t Be Evil ;)”

“The winky face soothes and reassures audiences who need that sort of thing,” LD University professor Dr. Troubadour said. “And the words are there for people who believe words.”

2018 Scholastic Book Tour exposes young minds to ‘new worlds’ of shit they don’t care about

ROANOKE, VA — For children, reading or being read to during the summer months is a great way to keep their language skills sharp while out of school and to prevent the dreaded ‘Summer Slide’ into the same ignorance, apathy and mediocrity that is characteristic of the adults in charge.

In an effort to combat summertime ignorance, Lebal Drocer Indoctrination held a Scholastic Book Fair at Green Valley Elementary, where good Christian white children are known to go to school. The fair, held across various cities over the weekend, introduced children to new books for the modern kid, including such titles as Cayden’s Internet Daddy, The Bitcoin That Could, and strategy guides for livestream mumble rapping.

A six-year-old boy named Austin left with a plastic bag full of books and magazines (which is going straight into the ocean).

“We got to read about Derrick’s Two Mommies,” Austin said. “I got to the end and it was nice to see everybody getting along. But I am six. And I could not give a shit about somebody else’s lesbian parents.”

James, a seventh grader from New Bern, North Carolina, said he had already checked out every book in the library pertaining to his interests in UFOs and tales of space genocide, when he finally picked up a title he’d been avoiding all year: Judy Blume’s coming-of-age classic, Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.

“On the cover it was some girl praying next to her bed, which – I don’t know – that looks and sounds like boring religious crap to me. All the adults acted like the book is a really big deal though, so I checked it out. It didn’t take long for me to return it. Actually I still don’t know what it was about. All I remember is it was really, really boring.”

James said that although Margaret’s strife felt alien and otherworldly in itself, he appreciated Blume’s insistence on dramatizing the long-winded, bland non-events of his peers, and got interested in other stories about chicks having periods.

“At the book fair I got a book that says Native American women – the rightful owners of this land – would go chill out in a hut during their periods. This was sacred time. Again, very boring, but this could be my new fetish. Who knows? I’m 12.”

The Lebal Drocer Scholastic Book Fair concluded around 4 a.m. Monday, with a ceremonial book burning, accompanied by a reading from Glenn Beck’s critically-acclaimed barnburner, The Overton Window.