Heroic Walmart Employee Admits to Not Caring About His Job

Controversy at Walmart
Controversy at Walmart

Cookeville, TN — Tuesday morning a Walmart employee admitted to shocked coworkers that he didn’t care about his job. In what some are calling a “heroic, yet fruitless act,” Jackson Sneed of Cookeville’s Walmart Supercenter did the impossible. While store managers were doing inventory on the newly stocked, yet somehow discounted TV’s, they noticed that one had gone missing. An emergency meeting was called.

Sneed, who was already well known for losing the keys to various doors, was in attendance. “We thought for sure it was Jackson, I mean who wouldn’t, given his track record and all around aloofness?” Said store manager Charles Collingsworth. The team was confronted about the missing television set that the higher ups insisted was gone. They put the pressure on Jackson, having colluded beforehand to get him to talk. They got him to talk alright, but what he said would shock the foundation of that Supercenter.

“We knew Nathan had been working with Jackson to wrap them up in anti-theft film, so we pressured him,” said Collingsworth. Sneed replied with “TV? I don’t remember working with any TV.” So they went to the surveillance tapes and sure enough, there he was, standing there for 20 minutes like an old soul, watching Nathan pull his weight.

When asked for comment, Sneed replied “So then I remembered it later. I had just gotten back from break and i was verrrrry stoned and I do remember standing there, staring at the TV while he wrapped anti-theft around it.” When pressed further he cracked, “So I just admitted that I don’t think about work, even when I’m there, and it’s all just a blur to me, which I forget the moment I clock out.” Jackson said he believes that they appreciated his candor.

Management is currently planning to let him go.

Experts Reveal the Internet Chronicle is a Real Site

Suck our hammer and sickle, baby.
Suck our hammer and sickle, baby, we’re on the right side of history.

HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.

Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”

Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.

In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”

Why North Korea Was Behind the Sony Hack, for Silly Heads!

What a prick.
What a prick.

1. The Computer Virus was Programmed in ‘Oriental’ – OK, I’m no expert in Chinese, Japanese, Cantenese or English, but I know what North Korean programming looks like when I see it. After reviewing the source code and reading the emails, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a purely North Korean mission. Now’s the time to ask yourself, do you know what North Korean programming looks like? Doubt it.

2. “The Assassination” wasn’t even that good – I know what you’re all thinking: “Alright, now she’s gone too far.” Well, I haven’t. It’s Canadian and therefore, by virtue, completely UnAmerican. Sony owed Joe Frasier a favor for helping them cover up the creation of the greatest game of all time.

3. Paul “isn’t” dead – Do you remember the first The Beatles song you ever heard? Do you remember it backwards? Experts say you are 10 times more likely to believe DPRK did Sony if you remember your first The Beatles song backwards than you do forwards. Keep that in mind next time you put on the “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs” album.

5. Chandler Bing was only speaking in metaphors – Throughout the entirety of S02E07 and S04E03. If taken Literally, one may believe that Chandler really wanted to have sex with Monica, however he instead spun us through a North Korean ‘Virtual’ Mind Maze of Ruby version management. He foresaw the future, which is a lot less than we can say for Yukihiro Matsumoto, who chose to betray Rachel(Perl) and buddy up with Joey(stupid fucking spec folders in Ruby, who cares), the fallout being catastrophic, resulting in the whole gang going to prison for violating the Good Samaritan Law.

All five points lead directly to eternal hell and damnation. No… there mustn’t be any melancholy. This is America. This is Christmas.

This is War.

Kim Jong Un Purchases Ford

fordDearborn, MI — In a Post-Sony-9/11 world, sometimes Great Leaders have to take drastic measures in order to save our freedom. The once glorious and proud industrial nation of Detroit, home to Ford Motor Company, is nothing more than a large “Urban Garden” and collection of “Urban Decay” Flickr photo albums. Until now.

In what some are saying is simply an “effort to save face,” Kim Jong Un has purchased Ford Motor Company to hopefully bolster the United States’ torn and frayed economy. Considering the United States already owes China trillions of rubles in back taxes, Un was happy to pony up the funds necessary to keep Detroit afloat. Are there big collaborative plans for a prosperous partnership on the horizon or is this all just a smoke screen, a mind-trap for the upcoming memetic Cyber War?

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, a finance minor at Ball State and the Internet Chronicle’s Own Boy, believes Un was simply exercising his financial strength as a show of force. “Kim Jong Un is just buying low and selling high, baby,” Troubador says, referring to the timeless Wall Street idiom. He added, “it’s the American way, and I support that.”

President Obama was too preoccupied with hysterical vine clips to comment.

Kim Jong Un Denies Involvement With Sony Hack; Working on Game Genie Master Code

NORTH KOREA, Korea — Game theorist and Glorious Leader video-games-e1396295303178Kim Jung Un announced via a series of Vine videos today that North Korea was not involved with the Sony hack and provided an alibi that will shock the world far more than Joe Rogan and James Flaccos film “The Assassination.” An obviously pumped up Un appeared on his 3MP webcam to proclaim he has been spending the past 3 months on his human futon reading the well documented Sega Genesis’ version of the Game Genie in an effort to find the fabled “Master Code.” In the second vine he proclaims he found the code and is reverse engineering the “Sonic and Knuckles” cheat code known as the “orbital jump for knuckles,” as it holds the keys to bypassing every checksum in every game, even games with PunkBuster.

In a haze of artificial smoke and pyrotechnics, Un appeared for a third vine to say he had obtained the knowledge to bypass every checksum there is. The short clip ended with Un saying that the FBI should “quit givin’ me the business,” and focus on Rogan and Flaccos egregiously terrible films. The supreme leader appeared in a final vine wearing only a spaghetti stained tracksuit and Google Glass, shouting maniacally that “EURO TRUCK SIMULATOR 2 WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!”

Edit: Tor has just been stolen by the FBI as an Act of War, according to our source at the library who really likes Sun Tzu.

Of VICE and Men

The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.

The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.

I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.

VICE
OH FUCK!

Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.

My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.

Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.

Stoned Phish Fan Finds Rapper DMX's Drivers License, Posts on Forum, Becomes "OP"

DMXhouse
Photo of DMX’s “poverty house”

INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.

The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.

Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.

As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.

When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.

UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”

A Metamodernist on Psychdelics

INTERNET — Metamodernism is an ism. Ism’s are important, as they help us define our daily behaviors, creations and artistic expressions. Yep, they’re importante. Why though, you don’t ask? Well, I’ll tell you: we have a need to classify and quantify our emotions and creative endeavors into a ‘sandbox’. This ‘sandbox’ can be escaped, yet we have to forget all notions of ism’s. Lofty feat, most say.

Esteemed colleague and fellow Internet Chronicle writer espouses his theory of  ism’s to me via Google Chats. I’m too lazy to post the whole log because I’m prescribing to a certain ism at the moment, but essentially his basic viewpoint was “Make something, call it art, label it a part of an ism, nice shiny business suit” — fuck, sorry Kilgoar, I totally botched that quote, but hey man, great coat-jacket.

If this isn’t a trademarked ideological symbol yet, let’s get ON that shit!





Screen left – Enter psychedelia – Yes hello, psychedelics here, we’ve heard of your oscillations and we’d like to confirm and deny your general thesis. Although, Shia Labeouf is right on the money… fuck I love money… anyway, ONWARD!

We want to know metamoderinism. I need it in my life, much like I need the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. I do believe they are one in the same. The oscillations of metamoderinism are simply vibrations, which is a theory as old as some fucking philosopher. We vibrate at a certain frequency, this is true. Some call it the “Vibration of Life”, those people are faggots and are most definitely Phish fans. This metamodern oscillation theory, however, produces many a stout question we must ask ourselves: “Are we truly this awesome?”

The answer is still yet to be determined, but after consulting Internet experts at the archive.org’s way-back machine pages of the fark message board, we can only begin to grasp the origins of metamodernist culture. Within these hallowed halls of truly lulzy past, reveal a dark underbelly — if not an intentional plot– to thrust the metmodernist meme upon a youth already devoid of post-modernism, a scene without a label… perhaps better left that way.

NAY! There’s no time for pussy-footin’ round these times when it comes to art! Qualify and quantify, stick it in your local sink-hole of a DYI venue and make sure to make fliers — pamphlets even — because that worked before, but this will work better[reasons]. As fledgling psych, philosophy and English makers we had to take it a step further to truly understand the chaos, the oscillations, the correction of errors due.

This time around, we got’em, boss… we got’em.

We took acid that night.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eflp-9aZMxk]

You know what, I have my life and you have yours, don’t fucking tread on me, ok mom?

 

Internet Trolling Now Illegal in Syria

syria
Syrian man atop his high-rise condo celebrates the passing of anti-Internet Trolling law.

DAMASCUS, Syria — Amongst hellfire and brimstone in the ancient city of Damascus, the Syrian government has passed a law making Internet Trolling, Cyber Bullying, or “aggressive” satire illegal. The controversial law was brought to international attention when a Syrian teenage girl committed suicide after being trolled on youtube for outing the CIA as potential instigators/manipulators of the struggles Syria is currently facing.

After a hard fought battle between liberal free speech advocates and the Syrian Child Protection League, the law was passed with a punishment of being administered near lethal doses of Terrormax, a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pharmaceutical that allows people to see terror coming beyond the horizon, giving Internet Trolls an awareness of their actions and also “burger-foot.”

After the US Military’s Project Paperclip, which recruited Nazi scientists to conduct experiments on humans during the Cold War, Terrormax was created as a mind-control serum and also a derivative of peyote, says Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador. Free speech advocates and Internet trolls worldwide believe the law to be a CIA psy-op of sorts, whose endgame was the introduction of Terrormax into the Syrian populace, which would essentially make it a free and democratic society akin to the United States of America.

What little is known about the long-term effects of Terrormax is irrelevant right now as this landmark victory for the sanctity of Internet decency has united the country and all that bullshit going on over there has ceased in celebration of fewer Internet tears.