10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Is Not Coming

INTERNET – NORAD tracks Santa through the sky each and every year, and every year, he appears like clockwork, magically darting backwards over the dateline, bringing toys to every good boy and girl. But geopolitical turmoil, exacerbated by warmongering, nuclear threat, and the high profile assassination of a Panama Papers journalist suggest that for some, Christmas might never arrive. Worse, some politicians under investigation for collusion with Russia and Israel could find coal in their stockings!

Dr. Troubadour flipped over a table, spilling our bitshekels all over the dusty pavilion ground at the town center, where chronicle.su was charging readers access to “extreme gaming PC speed lanes” marketing a paid solution to Network Neutrality as their shortcut to Truth.

“Merry Christmas you pieces of shit!” Troubadour slurred, spraying viral phlegm into the air as he forced his speech through gnashed teeth. He fell down and picked through the dirt for spilled bitshekels, as desperately as if they were the precious flaking crumbs of high-powered crack rock. “Do you have ANY idea how hard Santa’s slaves worked to make your iPhones and Playstations? DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?”

Real Dr. Troubadour has always been there for Santa Claus.
Real Dr. Troubadour has always been there for Santa Claus.

Troubadour, whose duty as personal physician to the estranged Northern toymaker is eclipsed only by the bond of their friendship, offered insights into the widening scope of Santa’s delusional megalomania. More to the point, Troubadour turned his darkest concerns about the future of Christmas into a handy, easy-to-consume list. And he published it here first, where you can read it all on the same fucking page, because we ain’t crumbin’ for rocks. This isn’t fucking Buzzfeed! Read the list:

10 Early Warnings Signs Santa Claus Is NOT Coming To Town

10. Santa is not coming because he is disturbed by the content you view online. This, coming from a man who enslaves Elves and demands milk-and-cookie tribute. Clean up your act!

9. Santa’s not coming because Elon Musk is edging him out of circumnavigational flight, and you people just LOVE it, don’t you?

8. Santa’s not coming because he outsourced it to Pursuance, but there’s no one online to accept the task.

7. Santa will bypass the Middle East because you moved a critical embassy into hostile Jerusalem territory. “Look I’m no investor,” Troubadour says, “but I think if it’s in the Bible, I wouldn’t open a Starbucks there. Forget an embassy.” You guys want to make another shitty Benghazi movie, or what?

6. Santa is not coming because you went to one too many pot parties. Santa’s got no problem with the sweet leaf – it helps with his glaucoma – but laying around, smokin’ grass and watching a streamer play Destiny 2 is NOT a party. Get on Rust.

5. Santa’s not coming because of a rare condition with his prostate.

4. Santa’s not bringing any toys to fake and sensationalized news outlets. It’s a very serious sin that hurts all mankind, Santa says. Really? So is gluttony, you fat bastard. FAKE NEWS! BRING THE FOSSIL COAL AND WE’LL BURN IT FOR HEAT, OLD MAN. Santa said it. The pope is saying it, too. Right, we take advice on hard news from a man who claims to represent Pedophile Daddy from the Sky. Go fuck yourself. Santa’s bailing on that shit, too.

3. Santa is not coming because the War on Christmas has escalated to include surface-to-air missiles and a new Iron Dome that deflects toys away from locations where Israel and the US don’t want them.

2. Santa is not bringing you ANY fucking toys because he knows. He knows that dark secret ‘only you’ know. He hasn’t said anything. But he knows it.

1. Santa is not coming because you read this website. Who needs him? You’re not fucking babies. Fuck toys. You smoke dope and drink liquor! Chemicals are your toys, and there is no such thing as joy. You suffer alone and have forgotten about things like toys, happiness, togetherness and joy. You are so ironic and cool, now. You are so right about everything. Now YOU get it, too! Now you speak only in truisms and summarize your experience of the world in worn out platitudes. Santa’s got no use for that, but of course we’ll accept your pseudo-intellectual bullshit in the comments. Do keep reading! You’re old souls! You’re WOKE AF!


Santa’s noticed many of you aren’t showing enough appreciation for what he does. Some, he says, even doubt his existence. You FOOLS! Are you trying to make the naughty list? Do you understand what HAPPENS to people on that list?

The Santatorium shows no mercy.

“It is high time I demonstrated the True Meaning of Christmas. On Christmas Eve, I will strike down from my polar base and teach the world just how real, motivated, and powerful I am. I’m only telling you this now, because you guys at Internet Chronicle are cool. I don’t know what it is, but you just have this energy. You guys get it, you know, so I am telling you: Stay home on the 24th. Aight?” – Santa Claus

‘Donald Trump did nothing wrong’: Critics SLAM Melania for refusing to stand by her man

Melania Trump disrespected her husband in front of the entire world.

A group of women from the Focus on the Family for Profit charity foundation cried out in protest Monday after soon-to-be-Former First Lady Melania Trump disrespected the President in front of their Israeli hosts by selfishly swatting Donald’s hand away as he reached out for support. Continue reading “‘Donald Trump did nothing wrong’: Critics SLAM Melania for refusing to stand by her man”

hatesec will nvr hurt u again bb

Dating Advice by Doctor Troubedaur of chronicle.su

this is a message from hatesec’s attorney. my client has asked me to reproduce the following statement on his behalf:

these-hands

“you should have never crossed me. i am so sorry. YOU just make me so MAD. i am sorry i can’t contain myself. we love you readers, it’s just that you only read what you want to read and that is when we get to hittin’. and a smackin.

now let’s not have this conversation twice, OK?

Good. You’re such good readers. You’re great readers. You’re the best readers. Beautiful readers.

Obedient readers.

Bow to Editor Messiah.”

It is important only that we look at the facts, and the facts show progress. And if you can’t recognize that, why, I ought to just cross the room and hit you.

As hatesec’s prize-winning attorney, I have advised him against everything from small arms trafficking, to grand theft auto–heck, I told him not to write this very letter. And I say that as one of the boys. Hatesec is an old soul. He gets it. And in his wisdom, he will beat this.

hatesec will ne’er hurt you again, baby, so don’t you forget it. now why don’t you slip into something loose, and wait in the garage.

I’m gonna rub one out.

Neoliberal partnerships advance chronicle.su agenda ‘one step closer to peaceful annihilation’

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Zombie Apocalypse Edition
It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar
hatesec is a cat on the internet

The Internet Chronicle has combined forces with Hate Security by Hatesec Enterprises, a Lebal Drocer affiliate.

The new partnership’s dual purpose is to simultaneously hack your iPhone using powerful, state-of-the-art decryption techniques, and provide a propaganda mouthpiece for the ruling elite, who got that way because they have earned it.

You’re reading it here first: Reading chronicle.su is not just emotionally harmful, it is now a national security concern. You should have read our privacy policy.

There are doubts.

“Damn, son. Ya know you done fucked up, right?” – kilgoar

But through our efforts, We, the people will rise up against the tyranny of chronicle.su, and restore order to an otherwise verdant, and peaceful world.

It is for that reason that we preemptively name this day “Victory Day” to commemorate mankind’s erasure of everything but the myriad black memories of atrocities carried out by The Internet Chronicle. This is like, the 9/11 of chronicle.su right now. I mean, we are seizing the means of production. You know? This place.

Never Forget.

[Pause here for a moment of silence]

[Thank you]

Now let’s see what’s inside those phones!

hatesec out

*drops the mic*

chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, INC.

The Dark Path

To borrow the shittiest, most overused image in literature for a moment, let’s pretend like what I do next is original.

Original thoughts come rarely, as rarely as life itself. Everywhere you look is a bright world of color and hatred. A beautiful, blissful carving at the base of a jutting cliff from the mountain of shit. But that isn’t original. The dark path goes past the scenic abuse of our masochistic temporal wastelands and traces a river of regret-soaked vomit poured from a half-liter of a blue-eyed, blonde bottle of vodka. There’s a downtown apartment overlooking the dark path right now. Inside, two sweaty shadows have sex in July, with the windows and doors open to the boulevard below.

How the sucking maw with black holes for eyes pulled its prey inward, so too does the entrance to the dark path. A whirlpool of originality, spewing unseen colors, unheard-of ranges of vibrations and sound, the dark path catches the eye. It inflames every sense, violent with color, promising poison.

Hatred and ignorance fuel the torch that illuminates the caverns of their being. To learn more about the other so as not to destroy, but consume, an orange glow pours in from the ancient streetlamps – just enough – just enough to see fear. They burn like pines in a flame in a nation of heat.

And they walk the dark path.

‘Anonymous’ fakes outrage over police murder of dude in a mask

anonymous

anonifeld‘Anonymous’ is the lamest “movement” I’ve ever seen. First of all, they borrow their strongest image from a piece of shit Hollywood film thoughtlessly shoveled out in the general direction of teenagers who like big words. I know this because a lady I was banging when I was 19 showed it to me, and I liked it. But I specifically recall hating that faggy Guy Fawkes mask, and I especially hated the focus of the narrative on some narrow slice of history that, even today, is only cool in social circles in which the prominent leaders are still drawing encircled A’s on their composition books.

More to the point, though, Anonymous is totally impotent, made worse by the same kind of manufactured outrage as you see out of your average TV news piece, attempting to equate their fake struggle against all government, healthy and unhealthy, with the real struggle of the black working class against a small percentage of bullish cops enabled by a cabal of DAs whose favorite shows are Law & Order, and their spin-offs (Special Victims Unit is a favorite among closet rapists). Yo, the police didn’t kill that kid because he was “Anonymous,” they killed him because he wouldn’t put down a knife, so stop acting like the police want to kill you over their ideas. The police want to kill everybody because they’ve been doing whatever they want and nobody is stopping them; in fact, you could say they’re doing God’s work. The police could give a shit if your homeboy was wearing some Halloween mask. He might as well have been wearing a strap-on.

Your movement is weak, and you’re weak fucking people. Stop it with those stupid masks and stop acting like you stand up for something when you wouldn’t stand up to pee. May I suggest getting off the fucking Internet if you don’t like the government, and going to a few meetings? [I am laughing to myself as I write this, because the thought is absurd: just imagining these pasty, disgusting slobs dragging their fat guts, covered by black Game of Thrones t-shirts, into a municipal building to participate in local government is so funny to me.] What are you going to tweet when you get there, huh?

“These speed cameras are oppressing me. The red light cameras are oppressing me. This hard foldout chair is oppressing me.”

This young woman's gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.
This young woman’s gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.

And you don’t even fucking think of where those suggestions are coming from. You want to fight the power? Use the government, don’t act like it’s in your way, preventing some phony utopia from unfolding. Do you faggots even know what anarcho-capitalism is? Well, eliminate the government and find out. The central tenet of anarcho-capitalism is that without government interference, we can have something WAY MORE PROFITABLE AND HATEFUL than even the TPP‘s wildest aspirations. The government is supposed to be the people’s instrument for the prevention of corporate tyranny over the people, NOT an enabler of it. Which part of V For Vendetta covered that? Oh that’s right, none of it, because Hollywood, like a dumb animal, shit it out without even stopping in its tracks (the same company that produced V For Vendetta also created the turd-rific Speed Racer remake).

You fuckers should be looking up to the sky and praying for government tyranny: tyranny over Google; tyranny over Monsanto; tyranny over Nestle; tyranny over Lockheed-Martin; tyranny over the entire fucking globe against anyone who ever dared to mess with sanctity of the human condition.

You want revenge over Momma’s little baby who wouldn’t set down his pocket knife? Here’s your list. Get to work.

—–

[Editor’s note: I knew you wouldn’t do it, spineless fucking losers. Go do something you’re good at, like DDoSing a gameserver.]

New Year’s Eve attack on freedom imminent

richmond-new-years
These people were not invited back for the 2014/2015 celebration.

Drunks participating in the ball drop at New York City were invited to join the 2015 attack on freedom 2015, promised of course to herald the new year with a promise of wonderful 2016 campaign promises. * (I am drunk)

I mean do you even realize the bullshit we are all about to hear after this shit eating ball drops? What a stupid ritual. What did people do before there was a ball to watch descending a mechanical pole in Times Square? In Richmond, Va. they cancelled the fucking thing because asshole didn’t have a permit. I mean, do you even know what that means? It means 20-something business didn’t want the drunk business. They were fine with regular old West Cary Street bourgeois clientele they’ve had all year. You guys are doing fine. Rich people: Keep being rich and spending all your money over here.

We’re doing fine in Carytown. But Brown’s Island will have you!

The guy who organizes the eyarly ball drop in Richmond, Va. did not respond to tweets askking him wahat the fuck happened tyhe last two years when there was supposed to be some awesome party in Carytown but this year there was dick. Just a bunch of lame white people meandering around and hitting up the New York Deli as if that’s the place to be. He was going to do the ball drop from the Deli, in fact, but the city said he didn’t have the right permits. He said that was “disgusting” but didn’t respond to questions about the profiteers who played a hand in prohibiting the Carytown celebrations. As if there’s anything to celebrate, but still. Carytown, I mean, fuck those people have enough money. Now bring it to the private interests who own Brown’s Island, right?

Everybody needs their money, Mr. Todd Schall-Vess, https://twitter.com/hatesec/status/550470689980178435 so get with the program and support the Virginia Way – Neoliberalism. And GET PAID MOTHERFUCKER you think this is a fucking game?

The Brown’s Island motherfuckers are stealing Schall-Vess’ thunder by stealing his fucking profits:

http://www.nbc12.com/story/27723204/new-years-eve-ball-to-rise-over-carytown-again

And look! Here’s how to get a cab in case you missed the last 100 years of being alive, let the local news tell you how to find one (the only thing that’s missing from this TV news story is the police perspective):

http://wtvr.com/2014/12/30/hey-richmond-this-is-how-you-get-a-free-cab-ride-home-on-nye/

President Bush calls Sony hack “Cyber 9/11”

Former President George W. Bush is upset over the Sony hack, says "Americans shouldn't be confused about how to respond to a Cyber 9/11"
Former President George W. Bush is upset over the Sony hack, says “Americans shouldn’t be confused about how to respond to a Cyber 9/11”

TEXAS — Friday from his office in Texas, Former President Bush responded to President Obama, who held a press conference to criticize Sony for censoring The Interview. Bush praised Obama’s speech, but said that it didn’t go far enough, “North Korea’s attack on America is worse then Pearl Harbor, it’s an attack on citizen targets instead of military targets, a Cyber 9/11. Americans shouldn’t be confused about how to respond to a Cyber 9/11.”

Americans shouldn’t be confused about how to respond to a Cyber 9/11

Former Anonymous leader and celebrity hacker, Hector Monsegur, appeared on a Fox News discussion panel and said, “When I was with the #Antisec movement, I saw lots of incredible things that I can’t repeat, but trust me, this is only the first and least sophisticated of cyberweapons of mass destruction available for North Korea to deploy at any moment. What I can say is that many North Korean operatives were attempting to influence and work with Anonymous, maybe even Kim Jong-Un himself.”

ISIS denounces “childish” North Korean cyberattack

ISIS mocked North Korean cyberwar tactics, touting their own powerful program's invisible and effective operations
ISIS mocked North Korean cyberwar tactics, touting their own powerful program’s invisible and effective operations

INTERNET — Friday, FBI spokespeople told Fox News that their investigators found final and conclusive proof attributing the landmark cyberattack on Sony to North Korean state-sponsored hackers. Like the Anonymous attacks that shuttered Sony’s video gaming network in 2010, many commenters have noted that Sony stands to make billions in the wake of the attack with an easy excuse for moving forward with a massive and disruptive overhaul of their infrastructure. Terrorists everywhere are frightened that their intent to punish enemies by disrupting their infrastructure  may be, in fact, a boon for the powers they oppose.

Emir Ayman Al-Shaheer, press secretary for the Caliph of ISIS, told reporters, “Al-Qaida and the attacks of 9/11 only crystallized the militant resolve of the US and the West to suppress the glorious spread of Islam. We see very clearly that North Korea’s Sony hack is yet more self-destructive terrorism along this failed strain, giving Sony and the US the perfect moment to expand power. ISIS has adopted the effective tactics of the US and does its best to co-opt the energetic attacks of our enemies, using cold and effective strategy rather than childish flailing to turn that energy back on the infidels. Our hackers are more active and powerful than any in the world, and you will never, ever, hear a news story about their ongoing operations.”