Redlight King releases hit single "Old Man" again for the first time

Someone else’s song

“Old Man” reaches the top of fictitious chart

Neil Young wrote it.

Redneck King

Redneck King

Corporate Rock sensation Redlight King was granted permission by Neil Young to sample [butcher] one of his finest works for the song.

The video features a skateboarder at the beginning, to rope in fans of Tony Hawk V or whatever’s next. It is cool.

Then, some undefinable hipster – wigger hybrids get in a fight, signifying the dissonance between the last generation’s ways and the pressures of today. So basically a confrontation between two irrelevant groups of people takes place, and you’re supposed to feel something. If your parents are white trash, then you can probably relate to what you see on-screen, maintaining the status quo.

Following this, a distraught-looking Weezer fan enters a bike shop and is confused by tires on the ceiling. The wheels in the sky keep on turning, maybe, but his life is obviously at a standstill – as signified by the fact he is in a Redlight King video. He thinks the motorcycle will take him places, perhaps now through his own bastardization of Easy Rider, minus the weed, because not only is marijuana for old fogies, but Redlight King tests for that stuff now.

The camera then pans across our straight-edge hipster biker-wigger moping in his Detroit squat of an apartment, while the words Old Man, look at my life shamelessly echo off the walls, washing over this embarrassment of a manchild you instantly identified with before realizing what a pussy he is; but it’s too late now.

He reviews disconnect notices for his iPhone and FiOs internet over a bowl of cereal, surrounded by pictures of a disappointed step-father.

Seeking fulfillment and quick cash, the antagonist enters a motorcycle race. He takes off and now you’re finally allowed to see a musical instrument, implying that Neil Young samples were not the only thing used for this song – that someone did in fact pick up a guitar, probably under duress, and most likely enveloped in anguish at the notion of having to resort to use of a talent. The lights are dim and we’re only shown the brief vibration of strings before the manchild reappears in a field after [losing] his motorcycle race.

The video ends on a disturbing note. Viewers discover that not only has the antagonist reproduced, he managed to score with a beautiful woman, ultimately creating this abomination:

Redlight King promotes unsustainable childbirth and theft of intellectual property. Neil Young is neither referenced nor apologized to throughout the course of the video, and you are dumber for watching it.

Redlight King is the trailer park hero of the modern South.

Redlight King is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Denver Airport Conspiracy Theory a hoax!

Since 2007, a conspiracy theory about the Denver Airport has received massive attention on youtube. Although no conspiracy is actually promoted in the video, the context of conspiracy is quite clear. By alluding to other conspiracy theories and twisting the perception of frightening images, this media is intended to create public distrust for the Denver Airport. A good hoax, but not good enough to fool me. The video is missing the emotional appeals that appear in Loose Change, as well as a cohesive plot. A conspiracy theory about population control that doesn’t use chemtrails as a plot device is saddening and unbelievable. I’ve always believed chemtrails are real, as airplanes have been seeding us for decades with the first part of a two part poison.


The true source of the Denver Airport “conspiracy” is a group of film students at Hong Kong International School. The frightening images, music, and theories play to an audience that already believes in the New World Order conspiracy. As one of the most blatant hoaxes on youtube, I found it especially entertaining. It plays almost like top-notch satire, mildly ruined by school-project delivery of the voice-overs.



Electric Wizard

Electric Wizard is the only modern-day stonermetal band that fucking jams consistently.

Obviously, props go out to heavy metal badasses The Sword, and while they are really very good and rock with the badassitude of Black Sabbath or AC/DC, they don’t hold a candle the brain-fuzzing vocals and asshole-tearing riffs of the amazing Electric Wizard.

Their songs range from spaced-out bass grooves with tripped-out repeating guitar and phaser-enhanced vocals to all out sludge jams with straight-up screaming – but not that growly shitty screaming you hear in teenage pop music, but actual singing with emotion and purpose.

Electric Wizard is a band whose guitar solos hark back to Tony Iommi, but their rhythms are comparable to Slo-Burn, Kyuss and at times resemble doom metal. Contributing to time dilation, the tempos can slow down as low as about 60 or 80, but make your foot tap about 160 when the solo comes screaming out of nowhere and you’re being screamed at like you killed Jesus – just to hear him scream.

Their song material ranges from hate to drugs to the travel of space and time. No faggy stuff about love here, folks. Just sludgy, face-melting reality-altering jams.

Buy any album, or bittorrent them and buy tickets to their fucking shows. [Editor’s note: A good practice if you’re going to download a band’s discography is find a way to donate what money you can afford to their operation.]

Try to find their song “Chrono Naut.”


This is a movie I have just finished watching. I suggest you do too. Well, with a title as it is given, meaning ‘life out of balance’. I don’t think the images of technology and especially war and industry are meant to be positive aspects of our present time frame. You can read all kinds of things all over the place but in the end it is you and the choices you make that give meaning and make the difference. With that being said

I say this project clearly shows the destructive and disruptive effects of our present technological and cultural relation to our environment. We have gotten to the point where we are building OURSELVES around technology, rather than the purpose of technology, to be built around OUR needs. Another point I think is that war has evolved. It isn’t just hack and slash, it isn’t shoot a few canon balls to weaken, and control our enemies. We just want all of them DEAD. We build warhead, atom bombs, etc to incinerate everything pertaining to our enemy. In this process of ‘Total Destruction’ War we find we are not just killing our enemies, but the world.

To build these weapons, and carry out these wars we drain every available resource for weapons and transport, not just oil. Tungsten, Uranium, and Iron are only a few resources being drained at a rapid rate. What happens when they DO run out. The whole war scene goes into total chaos, like a Henry Rollins concert. You think the Iraqi war is bad, because of the minuscule amounts of oil we are trying to obtain? What if Oil is completely gone? Any strong, stable country will target weaker countries with oil reserves to fuel their other conquests. The governments will do ANYTHING to obtain what they need. You think the Jewish genocide was bad in WWII? This will be the biggest Genocide of all time. It will be HUMAN genocide. BILLIONS would be killed in the conquests, with little to no fight. What happens after the weak countries are gone? The strong ones fight each other. This is the where the REAL nuclear war begins. The remaining humans will fight one another for these resources. It will be utter chaos!

THAT may just be the conspiracy theorist in me talking, but lets talk about a MUCH more real danger.

The Destruction of Technology.

I know there will be an asshole out there to be Captain obvious saying, “Technology is any advancement”. Yes I know. In this instance I am referring to modern technology.

We use the new technology for everything, checking the weather to helping in self erotic satisfaction. But it has become one with humans. It controls the banking system, communication, airplane charting. What if all of it just… Disappeared? What would happen to the human race. This is a hard thought it fathom. What COULD we do? The world would go back to the days of the late 1800’s. We’d lose telephones, computers, television, and if this is due to lack of resources, automobiles. The world would go into a state of Anarchy. It would allow easy murder, theft, rape, and since none of us are aware of HOW to solve these problems without technology it would ALL go unchecked. I’m not saying HOW this destruction of Tech would happen, because I don’t know how it could. It’s a possibility though. Energy rations, recurring black outs, Damage in the (Already decaying) power grid. All it needs is a push off the edge. Increased solar flare activity, for example.

What would it mean for the world if that happened? The resource War or the technology destruction would make a big impact. This is MY view, this is for YOU to decide what would happen to our world.

Peace, Love, and Black Power


Michael Vick Opens New Kennel Center

In March 2010, after a pit bull from Bad Newz Kennels lost in a fight, it said Peace consulted with Vick about the losing dog’s condition, then executed it by wetting it with water and electrocuting it; it was later revealed the dog’s name was Hitler. • In March 2009, after two Bad Newz Kennels dog lost fights to dogs owned by a cooperating witness, it alleged that Vick retrieved a bag containing $23,000 worth of cocaine and gave it to the owner of the winning dogs. One of the fights had a $20,000 purse; that’s a whole shit of money for killing some dogs! • In the fall of 2009, a person witnessing a dog fight involving one of the dogs trained by Bad Newz Kennels incurred the ire of another cooperating witness by yelling out Vick’s name in front of the crowd during the fight. Oops! It also said that after establishing Bad Newz Kennels in early 2010, Vick and the others obtained shirts and headbands promoting their affiliation with the kennel. After a police raid on the property in April, Vick said he was rarely at the house, had no idea it may have been used in a criminal enterprise. Of course, that is a lie but that is why it’s presented here. He blamed family members for taking advantage of his generosity, saying handjobs between males should be a “reciprocal experience.” On Vick’s Web site, he lists his birthplace as Newport News, “a.k.a. BadNews.” Terrible name, unless you’re talking about TV News. Purses for the fights ranged from hundreds of dollars to the thousands, and participants and spectators placed side bets, the document said. Local authorities have been investigating the allegations since the April 25 drug raid at the property Vick owned. On December 30, officials with the Department of Agriculture executed their own search warrant and found the remains of seven dogs. Surry County prosecutor Gerald G. Poindexter said he didn’t know of the indictment before it was filed, and said he’s not sure how the county will continue its case, but reassured reporters it “will certainly be inefficient.” At the start, authorities seized 66 dogs, including 55 pit bulls, and equipment commonly used in dogfighting, including Scooby Snacks.

About half the dogs were tethered to car axles with heavy chains that allowed the dogs to get close to each other, but not to have contact — an arrangement typical for fighting dogs, according to the search warrant affidavit. The indictment said dogfights were held at the Virginia property and dog owners brought animals from six states, including New York and Toledo. In a search warrant executed December 30, the government said the fights usually occurred late at night or in the early morning and would last several hours. Before fights, participating dogs of the same sex would be weighed and bathed, according to the filings. Opposing dogs would be washed to remove any poison or narcotic placed on the dog’s coat that could affect the other dog’s performance. Sometimes, dogs weren’t fed to “make it more hungry for the other dog,” it said. A similar approach is being considered for use on Jay Leno.

Chuck Whitman Chronicle Show

Two enterprising young lads set out to entertain and motivate a generation of apathetic youth in the series premiere of the newest addition to FOX network’s Fall lineup, the Chuck Whitman Chronicle Show.

In this leaked trailer, viewers discover the impetus of the new FOX program: to answer the question, “What would Charles Whitman do?”

Backlash against the program stems from Austin, Texas residents who say the show depicts “fun on a level that is inordinate,” according to one student at the University of Texas at Austin. She requested anonymity, so we probably won’t publish her name until sometime after this story blows over.

The men in the video are believed by The Elf Wax Center for Serial Killer Analysis to be affiliated with FOX News, and connected to Ramiro Martinez, Texas Ranger.

Whatever. This story is dumb. Enjoy your senseless violence, assholes.

War on Drugs: Information about LSD

Your typical acid trip

This phenomenon is often witnessed between friends who feel their consciousnesses become one.
This just in: Fuck Bill Haslam.

Why I can't do Facebook

I hate my conscience

Okay, there are some things in life you just can’t pass up. I almost clicked the Comment button. Seriously. And what do I have to lose? I should have just done it, but now it’s not funny anymore. Or maybe it was never funny. Or maybe it would just hurt that girl’s feelings because she is not who she used to be and I should not enforce a negative image upon her in front of everyone we’ve ever known personally, and my friends would say, “Come on, man, seriously?” and then I’d feel something called remorse.

That’s because I am a conscious, thinking man with the impulses of a terribly cruel bastard. Meh. What goes around comes around. I’ll get mine one day, but that day hasn’t come yet.

That being said, let’s talk a little shit about Facebook:

A lot’s changed since the last time I used it.

Why is it now considered stalking to look at someone’s profile?

Maybe I’m fucking interested. Am I a stalker now? In high school I dated this girl with a stalker and we didn’t have Facebook yet; in fact, myspace hadn’t even come out yet. What we did have was the telephone, and her back yard where we’d find him standing from time to time. That’s a stalker. This is a website and read this little factoid hot off the news feed: YOU CHOSE TO PUT YOUR INFORMATION ON IT.

I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with camping on a girl’s profile who you like and spamming F5 for hours at a time, or even all day. If that makes me a Facebook stalker, then I’m a Facebook stalker and my wrist hurts.

Why am I a “creeper” for hitting on girls with it?

Because if you do something as simple as using a communication device on a dumb girl, that word comes out. It’s not that sophisticated, honey. I didn’t go out of my way. Not for you. Maybe I can’t find what they call a good girl (which may or may not actually exist) at the bar because her face looks like a leather bag with a cigarette hanging out of it. Maybe I don’t find them at parties because *whore* Maybe I don’t find them where I work because they only hire men to do my job. Although, there is that one cute chick…but she’s a cocktease with a vendetta.


Point taken. Still, fuck that.

I operate Facebook like a vast net, trawling the murky unknown for a good conversation, intelligent insight, a funny joke, adding strangers in the hopes of discovering a classy broad who isn’t afraid to go out on a limb and meet a religious rapist-murderer zealot she talks to online. Because I looove to rape me some bitches. So what if I filter out all the ladies except those whose relationship status has just changed to “single”? That’s how you find the ripe ones!

brb jerking off to facebook

Why do people refuse to hang out with me and then have three-hour conversations with me across Facebook?

Maybe it’s because I’ve always been friends with lazy stoners. Or they just don’t like me, which pretty much invalidates our friendship status. -1 friend but there are still 257 left

“Wow asshole, you sure do have a lot of negative opinions about Facebook. Maybe you should stop using it?”

Maybe. But for now, I have developed a sort of perverted fondness for it – like Wal-Mart. Facebook bastardizes human interaction. Wal-Mart destroys local economies. I think the friendship economy is in a recession.

There is intrinsic value in the understanding and hatred of many things, and I encourage all of you to attack something or someone you hate today.

Now, I’m going out to throw some alcohol onto this roaring fire of rage and then I’ll come back to report its effects.

This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer

“Facebook is garbage.”

-Mike Odum

Edit: I’m home again. I did not drink too much, as I took a look around at my surroundings and into my glass and decided that I’m not reaching my full potential sitting at the bar around people I hate more than myspace. My perspective has not changed, but it did occur to me after some conversation on the matter that Facebook is occasionally used for its intended purpose, like catching up with an old friend after many years. However, my opinion that it is a cesspool of immeasurable proportions will never change, but only reinforce itself as that website gets older and more used, like the girls on it.

Fever To Sing

This weekend, Blacksburg, VA played host to a music festival of a different kind. Hosted at several bars and art galleries around town, local and regional musicians of all stripes and abilities played with varying degrees of fever. I ended up managing part of a show, running the sound for a few bands, playing an open-mic, and photographing every single set I was a witness to. Problems aside, I had a good time.

I arrived in Blacksburg and parked within a hundred feet of the NLCF building, check in for the Fever to Sing festival. I spent over a half hour wandering around the block looking for any sign of a festival, stumped. I looked up the address and found my way on in. Several artists and musicians I interviewed had the same trouble. There was no signs, no groups of people coming or going, but the gears were churning inside.

The organizers were putting things together using some kind of online system, stressing and fretting over laptops wherever they went. The sound guys were often late, or unreachable, or went missing, but for the most part the bands were well on time and ready to go when needed. I changed the schedule, manually, with a pen on at least 50 fliers because certain shows were very much more than an hour late to begin. I suppose I was a volunteer too, as well as impromptu press, musician, and management.

There was a some awful trash that I wish I’d never seen. On the other hand, I saw great acts, such as the Bastards of Fate, the Andalusians, and Don’t Call Us Sweethearts.

Doug Cheatwood's blinding emotional fury unleashed

Doug Cheatwood's blinding emotional fury unleashed

The Bastards of Fate defy all explanation. Doug Cheatwood is a performance genius beyond compare. His songs are imaginatively written and musically unique, defying rules I didn’t even knew existed. Standing on an amp, holding up a guitar, blinded by shaving cream, construction light draped over his shoulder, and mic in hand, Doug Cheatwood is no gimmick hungry rocker. He is what punk rock was never smart enough to be, crazier and more ambitious, full of antics that wake sleepy fear-ridden audiences into a frenzy of dance and jubilation. Did I mention that the music’s catchy, well-written, and like nothing you’ve heard?

andalusiansThe Andalusians were a punkish woman-fronted band from DC, with loads of energy to back up their fun music. Such well written music played by obvious professionals was a welcome treat, and I especially appreciated how grounded and personal their presence was. These were proud, powerful women who were absolutely comfortable on stage and off. Sadly, that’s not something I see often. They were reminiscent of the best bits of The Clash.

Aw, this band should be called Sweetheart

Aw, this band should be called Sweetheart

I didn’t run the sound for Don’t Call Us Sweethearts, although I was supposed to. One faux member of the group who played a little percussion felt the need to do the sound, although I had to inform him on how to use the mixer. Thankfully with my help he was able to do a passable job, and truly could have done little to diminish the silky-smooth vocals and soft melodies of Don’t Call us Sweethearts. The performance was emotionally charged and musically superb. Though I tend to think their particular kind of songwriting is generally boring, there was no lack of excitement during their performance. Don’t Call Us Sweethearts had a friendly, warm presence that everyone picked up on.

The good was good, but the bad got very bad. I don’t mind bad music, or late shows. There’s just a small list of things I expect musicians to NOT do, which almost always ruin the appeal of the performance. Fever to sing had a few good examples.

  • Show outright disdain for the audience while making assumptions about their beliefs
  • Explain what every single song is about in detail
  • Apologize for how bad the music is

Musicians who do these things defy all logic, and must be proud of how amateur they are. Since we’re mean bastards here at Elf Wax, and want to harm those who we dislike, here’s a list of bands and musicians you should never, ever see.

  • Kristi Emmons
You won't like this show unless you're a Lesbian who thinks the entire world hates you.

You won't like this show unless you're a Lesbian who thinks the entire world hates you.

I was there to help you run sound, and you refused my help probably just because I am a man. I hope you enjoyed spending 5 minutes going back and forth between the mixer and the microphone to satisfy your own misguided foolish pride. You’re not a bad musician, but probably a bad person. I have nothing against Lesbians, in fact I rarely have sex with women who aren’t Lesbians. I was enraged by your song about how everyone in Virginia but the Lesbians are hateful fucks. Now hates you, and it’s not just your imagination this time. You can tell everyone we hate you just because you’re a Lesbian if that makes you feel better.

What Salvia Is Like

The Elf Wax Times went to great lengths to teach you kids a lesson. And here it is.

[SWF], 550, 220, var1=val1&var2=val2[/SWF]

Many thanks go out to Calvin Hart for sending in this video, even after everything we did to him.