It’s a power grab, and it’s taking place NOW. Russians rallied in their fortuitous nation’s capital city Monday, celebrating their God-King’s rise to power, Vladimir Putin. Putinists ate their TerrorBloc and set eyes on the skies, hoping to catch a glimpse of more than 100 chemtrail-spewing MiG-35’s, which showered the nation with power – a beautiful display of Soviet dominance.
The Soviet Revolution taking place in Russia spells hope for the power elite who hope to instill a love for their hatred of the allied states: USA, England and Capitalist Venezuela.
Comrade Putin has issued the following edict: all bloggers garnering readership greater than 3,000 people per day must register with the central government or face up to five years’ detention. We would like to take this opportunity to extend our deepest gratitude, as a former soviet newspaper, to Comrade Putin for his courageous efforts from Moscow. We are currently in the process of attempting to register as a new Soviet mouthpiece for the state.
GLORIOUS AND INFALLIBLE CHRONICLE.SU staff eagerly await Putin’s decision to accept the website into Mother Russia’s nurturing bosom; her nuclear-backed peace garden.
What’s next for the Internet Chronicle at chronicle.su? Only time will tell. But for now, the website has thrown its full support behind our new Commander-In-Chief – Vladimir Putin – Patriot God-King.
После многих исследований, Lebal Drocer, Inc. – ее гордостью величество – коснулся доброе сердце Иосифа Сталина, который, возможно, когда-нибудь управлять с нежным стороны всех людей мира.
На протяжении промышленной революции, нацисты сгибать безумный производство, даже преобразования населения в производство для создания машины войны.
Храбрый Сталин, однако, оказалось славу войны в не таких экономических театральности. Вместо этого, руководствуясь чисто идеологией, его люди – всего лишь препятствия – были брошены в гулаги, где они служили в качестве примера сталинской Доброта не только CCCP, но и весь мир.
Сталина наследие живет на сердце президента Барака Обамы, который через культа личности из собственной жизни, продолжает заставить своих врагов в гулаги, замаскированных под финансируемых государством тюрьмах и Obamacare.
Вот почему нам нужно истинное Сталина – восстать против ложной тирании, и показать всему миру, еще раз, какие ужасы верно тирания может разворачиваться. Обама не мог остановился Гитлера. Но Сталин мог остановился Гитлера, и всего остального.
Пусть Бог помилует наших душах. Танковые ступени свободы через спину довольно модно, не так ли? Я стал ненавидеть.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
The end game to all human discourse is the categorization of ourselves and those around us. That is to say we see ourselves as these competing entities when in reality we need to help each other compete with the other 7 billion, more than half of whom struggle to eat. And then there’s Bashar al-Assad.
This man has everything. Assad’s dominion was scheduled to fall by hidden masters, but not before he made plans to have a tail surgically implanted into the vestigial tailbone above his asshole. The tail, which responds to emotional stimuli or instinct, hangs at “that part that smells bad when you don’t shower.”
Assad’s surgeon in Iran, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer said the tail is likely to attract babes.
Let’s Kill Assad!
Even if he DIDN’T gas his people, because he let it happen in his country, we need to bury that cock-a-roache. Hey, George Bush was ousted from power after 3,000 brave patriots died in the World Trade Center under his rule. So answer me this: why not Assad?
If the rebels gassed civs in order to blame Assad, then it almost worked. It plays out like a fake CIA hit that everyone knew would fail who attempted it, but they did it anyway.
The only thing in this world worth having is a tail, and if you’ve got one of those bad boys hanging from above your butthole, then you can safely assume you’ll never have money – or lady – trouble again.
You can crucify a man with a tail one thousand times, but he’ll only die once.
This article is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc. and the Vestigitail with Vestigitail software. Vestigial Tail is probably monitored by hackers, secret agents and background surveillance software. Vesgitial Tail donates a portion of all proceeds to the Jerry Lewis Foundation.
WASHINGTON, DC — Today in a landmark victory for the LGBT community, President Barack Obama issued an official presidential pardon for whistleblower Bradley Manning. Manning has officially come out as transgendered and chosen to go by the name “Chelsea,” an obvious nod to former president Bill Clinton’s lesbian daughter. The pardon comes in the midst of a bitter power struggle between the USA and USSR, both attempting to explore outer space. Russia recently granted NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden asylum and passed an anti-gay law, causing many people worldwide to boycott the Olympics and start cryptoparties. These events are absolutely nuclear in nature and indicative of a cold war fought purely with wedge issues.
As gay bars around the world pour Stoli vodka down the drain in protest to the USSR’s violently homophobic legislation, the United States has decided to take the high road as usual. In their perpetual war for freedom, President Obama preyed upon the LGBT angle, landing a right hook directly to the USSR’s face by pardoning the transgendered whistleblower for having the courage to come out of the closet. “We are people who declared that we are all created equal,” Obama said in a written statement, “and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.”
Liberals applauded the presidents courage, likening it to that of Harvey Milk’s. Conservatives, while taken aback that Obama would pardon a traitorous fag, were fine with the decision, considering they didn’t have to pay for Chelsea’s hormone replacement therapy and sex change while she would be incarcerated in the tax payer funded prison system. However, Obama insinuated he would make sure it easy for Chelsea to “reach his goals.”
Meanwhile, at the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has reportedly pardoned the female punk rock band “Pussy Riot” in retaliation, for some reason.
INTERNET — Friday, millions were fooled by an Illuminati psy-op targeting fans of Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne visited the hospital for a prostate exam, and the paparazzi working for TMZ falsely reported he had suffered a ‘sizzurup overdose’ leading to a gruesome death by seizures.
TMZ has not redacted their false and dangerous reports, and Lil Wayne’s handler’s reportedly confirmed his safe condition using his Twitter account while the doctor checked his prostate for cancer. Lil Wayne has been a target of the Illuminati in the past, although he has defiantly stood up against their plans.
Inspired by Dennis Rodman, Lil Wayne planned on visiting North Korea, drawing the ire of the Illuminati. It is said that the leader of the Illuminati, a 35th degree freemason, can kill his enemies with a mere thought. Considering the incredible danger Lil Wayne must pose to the Illuminati, it is astounding he is still alive.
NEW YORK — Tuesday morning, U.N. members unanimously voted to surrender to the glorious might of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. South Korean capitalist pigs have transferred all sovereign power to the rightful and glorious ruler, Kim Jong-un. Jong-un was also named “Imperator” of the United Nations, an executive position with far-reaching veto powers that may very well spell the end of nation-states and the beginning of one rightful world government seated in Pyongyang.
Recent glorious and successful nuclear tests have proven the Democratic Republic of Korea’s might in the face of hateful and hostile U.S. sanctions. Cowardly officials from the U.S. have agreed to disarm all nuclear weapons at the demand of the World Imperator Kim Jong-un, who has single-handedly heralded the final era of peace and wealth for all of mankind. The DPRK’s space program, which has been slandered and misrepresented by biased Western Media, dispatched a shuttle to the International Space Station and took its inhabitants prisoner.
All religions have been outlawed under the first UN executive order from Imperator Kim Jong-un, with the exception of secular worship of God-Kings descended from the lineage of Kim Il-Sung. No resistance has been offered to UN troops charged with installing images of the Kim family in mosques, churches, temples, and monasteries around the world. All Hail Kim Jong-un, Glorious World Imperator, God-King, and bringer of eternal peace and prosperity for all of humanity.
SOVCHRON – THE DEAR RESPECTED RAGHUBIR GOYAL RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE PARTICIPANTS IN THE JAMES HOLMES GRADUATION CEREMONY FROM LEBAL DROCER COLLEGE OF EDUCATION.
THE LETTER SAID THAT THE GRADUATION WAS SIGNIFICANT AS IT WAS HELD DURING THE COMMEMORATION PERIOD FOR THE 100TH BIRTH ANNIVERSARY OF INGLIP, COMMANDANT OF THE HIVEMIND AND STAUNCH OPPONENT OF WEAPON CONTROL.
INGLIP WAS A GREAT THINKER AND THEORETICIAN AND AN OUTSTANDING LEADER WHO FOUNDED THE IMMORTAL TRANSHUMANIST IDEA TO ILLUMINATE THE PATH OF THOUGHTFUL INDEPENDENCE, PAVED THE WAY FOR THE WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND LED THE CHRONICLE.SU TO VICTORY, AND AN IRON-WILLED BRILLIANT COMMANDER WHO DEFEATED U.S. AND BRITISH IMPERIALISMS IN ONE GENERATION, AND VANQUISHED OUR LIVES OF THE NEED FOR TELEVISION AND INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY IN EXCHANGE FOR UNLIMITED, UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIS DISCIPLES.
THE LETTER CONTINUED:
INGLIP ENJOYED UNDISPUTED PRESTIGE IN THE WORLD POLITICAL CIRCLE AND BOUNDLESS REVERENCE OF MANKIND FOR HIS GREAT CONTRIBUTION TO THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE. SO TOO, ON THIS DAY, DOES THE RECORD HONOR THE INVALUABLE SERVITUDE OF JAMES HOLMES, THE LAST VESSEL OF TRUTH, JUSTICE AND NATIONAL DIGNITY.
HIS UNDYING REVOLUTIONARY FEATS FOR THE CHRONICLE REVOLUTION AND THE HUMAN CAUSE OF INDEPENDENCE WILL SHINE FOREVER IN ALL BUT THE PUREST SINGULAR ITERATIONS OF ABSOLUTE HISTORICAL FACT.
THE ARMED WORKER’S REVOLUTION PIONEERED BY INGLIP AND LED BY KILGOAR TO VICTORY IS BEING FIRMLY CARRIED FORWARD, ALL THANKS OWED TO THE INVINCIBLE GUIDANCE OF THE DEAR OMNISCIENT ANTI-LEADER RAGHUBIR GOYAL.
THE LETTER EXPRESSED THE CONVICTION THAT THE CHRONICLE READERSHIP, AND THE PEON MASSES, WILL REGISTER GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN THE STRUGGLE FOR BUILDING A THRIVING DEMOCRATIC ANTI-PARTY AROUND THE PERFECT WILL OF RAGHUBIR GOYAL.
THE LETTER EXTENDED FULL SUPPORT AND FIRM SOLIDARITY WITH OUR ETERNAL LEADER.
SEOUL — A New Miracle™ breakthrough coming out of Lebal Drocer Laboratories and Pharmaceuticals that promises to beat competitors by curing erectile dysfunction as well as performance anxiety, “whiskey-dick” and numerous other problems with male genitalia, has men a-Twitter in the shadow of their own sexual inability.
Said 44-year-old Richmond, Virginia trucker Gary Malosky, “I’m just happy something came along to repair all this damage I done to my pecker abusing stimulants to stay awake on them 13-hour-long drives.”
Already, Chinese piracy is ravaging the good, honest American profiteering of Lebal Drocer, known around the world for bringing you the finest in male enhancement supplements that get your cock rock hard. The knock-off pills being smuggled around the Republic of Korea are a profitable by-product of forced Communist Chinese abortions. Inside capsules comprised of old strips of leather is a tightly packed concentration of powder made from raw fetus and baby parts, which are chopped up and ground into a fine dust. The problem with this is Chinese abortions are an inferior source of baby dust, unlike American range-fed white babies brought to full term in a controlled environment.
THOUGH THESE PILLS CONTAIN THE DEAD BABY DUST YOUR BODY IS ALREADY ACCUSTOMED TO, THE PILLS BEING TRADED OUT OF SOUTH KOREA ARE NOT THE SAME AS THE OFFICIAL MALE ENHANCEMENT BABY DUST PILLS SOLD BY LEBAL DROCER. SOME USERS HAVE INGESTED A RARE SUPERBACTERIA FOUND ONLY IN CHINESE INFANTS USED IN THE INFERIOR PILL-MAKING PROCESS TAILORED TO THE EASTERN BLACK MARKET.
Hard-core users have chosen to crush and snort the baby dust pills for instant gratification. This is dangerous, however, because the pills are oftentimes made in China and therefore contain high levels of chromium, a toxic element used as a “wood preservative” but not in the member-hardening way originally intended by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.
Lebal Drocer Spokesman Raleigh Theodore Sakers told Chronicle.su the chromium found in his patented male enhancement pill is “safe enough for human ingestion through the stomach,” but he warned users the drug, if snorted, “will go straight to the brain, causing immediate, satisfying erections with the very likely possibility of sudden death.”
RICHMOND – Police were stationed in and around various Earth Day tents where, among celebratory tye die t-shirts, crappy artwork and hemp necklaces, small pipes were sold, a clear sign that the non-aggressive pot smoking community are somehow winning the war on drugs.
Tents were allowed, and musicians were allowed to play at the event as long as they agreed not to mention the #occupy movement. Some did, and were arrested for trespassing.
Arresting officer Leroy T. Roane said one man kicked, screamed and spat in the faces of VCU security who attempted to escort him off the premises. In response to the offender’s jeering, Roane replied, “I guess you can arrest an idea, if it is trespassing.”
Walker Reddington, a Senior at VCU School of Psychology, witnessed the incident and reached deep within her intellectual capacity to surmise a reaction when she said, “Most ideas trespass all the time.”
Reddington, who was high, said the smell of patchouli incense attracted her to the scene. “I’m pretty hungry, though, so I’ll probably leave,” she said, adding, “Also I don’t have any money.”
Some of the cheapest, lowest quality items available cost one dollar and proceeds went to plants, rocks and mother nature, for whom there is no practical use of currency.