He's got that look on his face like he's been sucking on little boy scrotums and little pinky shaped boy penises. Sucking on little pink nutsacks.
BITING REVIEW: I just watched Those Sandusky Boys, the finest piece of investigative journalism there’s ever been since the Watergate scandal revealed Richard M. Nixon routinely trafficked little boys into the White House.
[Editor's note: This was the biggest little boy scandal until Penn. State's Coach Sandusky proved it could be more easily done with free tickets and promises to meet certain heroes in the shower room]
Stan Marivan, main character of the Hollywood blockbuster Those Sandusky Boys, which grossed $40 million on its opening weekend, plays himself: an Internet millionaire working for chronicle.su who donates half of his earnings to right-wing conservative hackers in the form of bitcoins. Marivan said the film incorporates fictional elements to make it more interesting, such as bitcoins being worth something.
“I’ve experimented with men before,” said Marival. “But I have a girlfriend. I am very interested in the things I can do to her, sexually.”
Marival is like M. Night Shamalayanayea except he’s talented and the only twist he needs is a titty twist as he’s getting his rocks off so he can bust a nut up inside his girlfriend and Those Sandusky Boys.
Attorneys are awash with litigation pertaining to the film’s sensitive subject and refusal to change the names of neither the perpetrator nor his victims. “But all in all,” Marival said, “It’s just a bunch of whatever, we’re making money. Shit.” Marival threw up his hands and squatted so hard he tore the ass out of his khaki slacks, and shat liquid projectile feces directly into his own rare human-face carpeting in the Whollywood Whills.
Marival yelled to a woman named Henrietta, attaching profanities in Spanish, and pointed to the brown stains in his living room. The woman exhaled a whimpering cry, and wallowed in it.
[10:16:53 PM] Frank Mason:
The biggest named hacker in the world right now used to endorse chronicle.su until we found out he’s working for the FBI. Then he decided he hates us. He wrote nasty stuff about us. Nobody believed us when we warned them he’s working with the government. About three days ago, news hit that Sabu is the biggest snitch in online criminal history, revealing that Hector Xavier Monsegur, his true identity, has been working from within FBI offices since early August of last year.
We were right, before anyone else was.
How I got close to Sabu [and sniffed him out]
I was close friends with Sabu and he had not yet learned to distrust the lethal journo-satirist combo that I turned out to be, so our friendship began something like this:
July 5, 2011 3:45 p.m. EST
I often lurk as Gacy but changed my name so Sabu could identify me.
Gacy: Hey Sabu
Hatefiend: I write for Chronicle.SU
Hatefiend: I don’t want to see you put away. The A-team bullshit, though.
Sabu: theres no need to worry mate, I’m nto being out away
Sabu: all that dox and info is failed/incorrect/or disinfo
Sabu: btw thanks for those articles they’ve been great
Hatefiend: That’s a relief, like you don’t even know.
Hatefiend: And thank you, it’s a huge compliment coming from you.
Sabu: no problem
Sabu: if theres anything I can do to help Chronicle.SU by all means take advantage now mate
Sabu: cause at this point hal of the worlds agencies are after me
Sabu: dont be surprised if you see interpol.int warrants on me
Sabu: I feel like I’m sounded a bit overzealous but sadly its the truth
Sabu: .win 285
Hatefiend: You gave me hope where there was none before.
Sabu: thanks mate. and you’re giving me more motivation
Hatefiend: If people carry this trend forward, then you’ll always live on. I hope you have a good-looking face, because I am afraid it’s only a matter of time before it becomes associated with the movement.
Sabu: indeed. I’m handsome methinks don’t worry about that. I’ll make sure to stash a top hat in my house in case I am raided
Sabu: and if media is there
Sabu: I’ll come out with class
Hatefiend: What could you possibly do for the Chronicle.SU?
Sabu: not sure, wear a chronicle.su shirt while I get raided?
Sabu: so its all over the news
Sabu: and all you see is CHRONICLE.SU and my handsome ass in a tophat and a pair of boxers
Sabu: I’ll be put into a fucking mental asylum honestly
Sabu: not sure man just let me know if there is anything I can do
Hatefiend: I remember back when you guys were taking hack requests, I had a really good one in mind but now I can’t remember it.
Hatefiend: Maybe we could do an interview soon?
Hatefiend: Like, about your daily life
Hatefiend: who you respect
Hatefiend: stuff like that
Hatefiend: The guy who makes our t-shirts said he’d try to work something out with you.
Tyler Bass of chronicle.su obtained the world’s very first interview with LulzSec.
LulzSec uniquely inspired many creative individuals, such as ourselves, to tap into our roots and what makes us laugh. It was all about the lulz.
This is a kicker image used to introduce an article. Hugo Carvalho was incorrectly identified as Sabu July 13, 2011. Click the picture for the relevant, but incorrect story.
July 27, 2011
Topiary of LulzSec fame is one of the first people to take the fall under sabu’s tyranny. If you know the whole story, you might think it’s a bit early in the game to make that call, but perhaps you forgot you’re reading the fucking chronicle.su and need to be reminded that not only are we funny, lovable guys, but we’re also way smarter than you.
Sabu happily accepted any conspiracy theory regarding Topiary I could invent on his behalf, as he deflected accusations of his own:
July 26, 2011 4:42 a.m. EST
Hatefiend: how ya been man
Sabu: I’ve been good mate
Sabu: and you?
Hatefiend: recovering from a collapsed lung.
Hatefiend: it might’ve recollapsed tonight. I’m gonna wait it out
Sabu: you serious man?
Sabu: I’m sorry to hear that
Hatefiend: yep. this is old brutus btw. thanks broseph
Sabu: I hope you recover soon
Hatefiend: i appreciate it
Sabu: you sounded good on the radio wtf you’re a pro
Hatefiend: me too
Hatefiend: thanks, but I pause quite a bit for a “pro”
Sabu: been reading the site. you guys are doing great
Sabu: honestly you’re literally something we need for #voice project
Hatefiend: well we’re just doing what we do, man.
Hatefiend: I appreciate your compliments
Hatefiend: that drunk bitch in washington, melissa hopkins, actually thought my interview with topiary was real
Hatefiend: asking why it didn’t go mainstream
Sabu: I know man
Sabu: people are slow
Sabu: I had literally
Sabu: 20 tweets and 50 messages here
Sabu: OMFG IS IT TRUE
Hatefiend: that’s great
Sabu: I should have said yes
Hatefiend: it couldn’t hurt, dude. he’s been quiet from his personal account so it would’ve fit the conspiracy
Hatefiend: well shit I am gonna probably actually go to the hospital and get a chest x-ray now. It’s getting painful
Sabu: ok brother
Sabu: good luck and becareful
Sabu: let me know how it goes when you get back
Hatefiend: thanks. i keeps it real. catch you later man. I’ll be in touch
July 26, 2011
Sabu loved chronicle.su - as long as we echoed the party line he and the feds were preaching.
I spoke some meaningful words on behalf of our dear friend, Topiary:
Sabu’s Twitter account fell silent for about one week while the feds processed him. As high profile as his disappearance was, rumors indicating Sabu had been caught with his pants down were readily dispelled with a lie about some dead grandmother of his who never existed.
[10:22:37 PM] Frank Mason:
He started offering sums of money to people out of nowhere, to hack this system, or that one.
6:17:22 PM virus: he gave me IPs, asked me to access their accounts with their IP and asked me to access their emails
6:17:25 PM virus: told me he would pay me
6:17:42 PM Sam Biddle: did you?
6:17:53 PM virus: no, I found that to be suspicious and declined
[10:23:06 PM] Frank Mason:
I joined him in IRC for a private chat, and his attitude toward me had shifted. I soon found myself perched safely on the outside of Sabu’s circle of trust. Because chronicle.su didn’t play the game Sabu wanted us to play, he disregarded all my further efforts to reach him.
Sabu’s attitude toward me shifted further as I began pressing him for details as to why he sucked my best buddy Topiary back into LulzSec after he knew the feds had a fix on him – but not before he publicly dodged my public line of questioning altogether:
[10:24:03 PM] Frank Mason:
Little did I know Sabu had already been at Kilgore Trout’s throat because Trout had just revealed Sabu’s role as a government informant:
I don't see why he was so mad. Nobody believed us anyway.
[10:24:50 PM] Frank Mason:
Topiary was a good writer, and friend to chronicle.su. Better than Sabu. Sabu destroyed that young boy’s life, who was only out to have a bit of fun. When shit got heavy, Jake Davis stepped out because all Jake wanted to do was write satire and fuck with Murdoch, and play XBOX and read his science fiction. He didn’t want to be involved in this shit but Sabu lured him back in like a trapdoor spider, knowing full well the gravity of Topiary’s (Jake’s) situation, because Sabu was working for the feds. Jake is scheduled to enter his plea May 11.
As recently as last month, Sabu the Snitch [inappropriately] hung another, even younger boy, Charrie Wongz, out to dry:
Now it’s your turn, motherfucker.
This man is our IDOL!!!!
Finally, we have ignited Helter Skelter. Our inflammatory and hateful divisive attacks on black celebrities have brought about a race war of trolling never seen even on 4chan. Welcome to a NEW LOW, Internet! And each day, hundreds of thousands of you fools swarm upon the simulated death of your beloved AKON, LIL WAYNE, or WHITNEY HOUSTON, but NEVER Kanye West. We MAKE SO MUCH DAMN MONEY DOING THIS! Thems Chronicle boys’ a’paid by the government, I tells ya!'”
Yes, we knew it would come to this from the very first day the Internet Chronicle was founded. HELTER SKELTER! FINALLY!!!!
Charles Masnon was just another LULZ extremist just like us. Lulz! LUzl1! WE gonna hack your brains n’ control you litle fuxors ta DDoS teh Government!!!!
I wrote a letter to Charles Manson and asked him the best way to control people, and he said “It’s the Internet, dummy,” so I fed the internet a continuous dose of LSD. And lies.
Now the entire Internet is eating out of my hands, scrambling desperately for my sweet nectar of explanation. None of this makes sense, Anonymous is just destroying human rights. The 9/11 truthers are killing my GOD DAMN anti-war movement with their POISONOUS double false flag conspiracy.
God Damn America!
Rest in Pain, Andrew Breitbart!
Have an eternally dry cock, Rush Limbaugh!
GO TO HELL, ANONYMOUS!
TAKE YOUR “PEACE” AND SHOVE IT, OCCUPY!!!!!
WE GOT A FULL ON RACE WAR A BREWIN’
WE ARE THE INCITERS
WE STARTED IT
IT WILL NEVER END!!!!!!!!!11111!!1
WE’ve GOT PURE RACISM!
DEATH RAPE GORE PORN HELL MMORPG!!!!!
+33hp Heart Eat Regeneration Spell
Mitt Romney asks the niggers to please settle down.
Detroit–Mitt Romney on Friday declared himself the Republican presidential candidate with “the only chance” to defeat President Barack Obama as he seized on signs that rival Rick Santorum’s Michigan campaign is stained with relevant Google search results.
Romney vowed to bring fundamental change to rebuild the U.S. economy with bake sales, a message he hopes will help him make a comeback in the hard-hit state where he spawned from a pool of genetic material, and where Santorum is threatening to harm himself in lieu of opinion polls.
Romney told members of the Detroit Economic Club that if elected he would seek lower taxes for the rich, deep social program cuts, defecit inflation and union busting which taken together would spur a burst in profits for the top one percent.
He spoke from atop a pile of women – all his wives – on the Detroit Lions’ Ford Field, with the crowd, mostly men in suits, seated in recliners set up on the artificial turf. It was an odd choice of venue as the huge stadium could barely accomodate all the greed present.
“I’m not promising that every day will be easy, or there won’t be sacrifice. But I am promising that every day I will destroy your faith in the presidential office,” Romney said.
Romney said he has the best chance among Republicans in what he acknowledged would be a difficult battle to topple Dictator Barack Hussein Obama, who not only has the advantages of incumbency but has a well-funded gestapo capable of detaining opposition leaders indefinitely without trial or due process.
“I not only think I have the best chance – I think I have the only chance,” he said. “Do you see anyone else as evil as I am running for office?”
Michigan and Arizona are the next battlegrounds in the state-by-state fight to pick a challenger to Obama in the November 6 general election. They hold crucial nominating contests next Tuesday and will lay the foundation for the 10 states that vote on “Super Tuesday” March 6 to determine which contenders will fight to the death on Pay-Per-View, pushing the limits of American bloodlust.
Michigan’s widely watched Mitchell/Rosetta Stone poll showed Romney inching ahead of Santorum with 36 percent support to Santorum’s 33 percent. Santorum had recently held a double-digit lead in the state in polls before news surfaced that he may not be corrupt enough to be President.
While the Romney campaign argues he could survive a loss in Michigan, Romney is desperate to avoid another embarrassment in the state where his father was a popular corporate sell-out.
In his speech, he emphasized his Michigan roots and love for American-made cars produced by the state’s car industry, pointing out he drives a Ford Mustang and Chevrolet pick-up truck and wife Ann “drives two Cadillacs, actually,” making everyone around him feel poor as shit.
Iranian warship transits the Suez canal to fuck with Israel and Syria like it's nothing.
IRAN GEARED UP FOR WAR
INJECTS TWO WARSHIPS
“Hate filled radiation bombs dropped on the fields below burned all the people alive in their homes, like pathetic voles,” said Vice Chairman of Radiation Bombs Senior Palmer, head of AT&T.
For Israel to bring the hatebombing against Iran, “there’s got to be at least 100″ fighter jets in the sky, refueling mid-air during their thousand mile journey. “That way you kill the most innocents,” Palmer added. Lockheed Martin’s written all over this shit. Halliburton? Where are you.
Analysts predict the Israeli fuckstorm over nuke country could have “deep, long-lasting effects” on the region. Dr. Felix Clayborn of the Chronicle Institute of Hatenology said the rocket fire could theoretically be seen from the moon, “which is pretty fucking awesome.”
Meanwhile, South Korea carried forward with a military exercise punishable by North Korean military action. North Korea recently exploded a nuclear bomb underground with which inside sources say Kim Jong Un is preparing to rape the world “like a big radioactive dildo.”
Financial analysts have predicted unprecedented spikes in gas prices. “It’s going to fuck us for a long time,” lamented Clayborn, who is not an authority on the subject.
Lebal Drocer Space Technologies spokesman Raleigh T. Sakers said the fallout after global thermonuclear war is going to suck pretty bad.
“Human life on earth could be eradicated as early as Fall 2014,” prophesied Sakers. He also said gold will never cost nothing, adding that it will always be worth something. “There’s never been a better time to invest,” he explained.
Call 1-800-GOLD-HORD and ask how to put a lien on your firstborn child to gain access to hot new premium membership options. 1-800-GOLD-HORD
Is Motor Mouth ( of MotorMouth news import ) a bounty hunter after the heads of anonymous and occupiers?
WAIT A SECOND. Is MotorMouth a GOD DAMN REAL LIFE SUPERHERO?
IS THERE NO GOD.
A pastebin alone may raise the question, but research has the answer. [EDITOR'S NOTE ELFWAX EDITION: PASTEBIN EXTRAS: BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR JAMIE CORNE'S TRADEMARK INSANITY IN THIS WEEK'S PASTEBIN OF THE WEEK WITH JACKALANON ]
“And the answer is, quite frankly, yes. He is all of those things.”
- Old Brutus, head of the chronicle.su research department.
Motor Mouth (pictured) has been involved with various Occupy movements, but not as you might expect.
As the pieces fall into place, more anons have come forward to discuss sightings of the figure within hacktivist culture around Occupy Wall Street events, but there are suspicions he is working with police.
There is a real life superhero calling himself MotorMouth, who also happens to have a questionable involvement in political demonstrations. MotorMouth news, on the other hand, has been involved with Occupy Wall Street events, leading to questions surrounding his involvement with authority. He is part of a group of real life superheroes that could only exist if legally sanctioned by the D.C. police department – which means cooperation with law enforcement agencies.
MotorMouth News has a torrid history, to say the least, with the underground hacktivist culture – his website bearing a shallow and incomplete portrayal of anonymous activity – and his involvement with the above ground occupy movement is said to be wrought with distrust.
If true, it would reveal a fascination with masks and disguises paired with a desire to be on the winning team – that is, the fascists controlling America.
On his website, Motor Mouth, the real-life superhero, claims to have been involved in ‘riots’ but does not specify which; additionally, he listed a “racially-charged political incident” but does not specify which side he stood up to protect, though he does claim to have stood up for something. The case is about a piece of shit assassin cop who pretty much got off the hook for manslaughter – and at MotorMouth the superhero’s website, there is no indication that the superhero was standing up for the death of an innocent black man.
Lead correspondent Tyler Bass of chronicle.su explained the issue is hardly divisive. “White cop, dead black guy,” he said, “case motherfucking closed. ‘Controversial’ doesn’t begin to describe how fucked up that was.”
So remember anons, if you see this man, do not divulge information to him. He could be a bounty hunter hooking up crooked cops, so better safe than sorry. Like we used to say back in the World War II days: “Loose Lips Sink Ships!”
Good luck out there.
Mikhail Margelov may or may not have Downs Syndrome.
Moscow–“Syria is political chess, not American football,” said Mikhail Margelov, Presidential envoy to Africa, and Russian Premiere to Libya, implying Sunday America has no role in the country, so they should get out.
Margelov spoke on conditions of Anonymity during talks with Soviet journal RT. Over the course of their discussion, he indicated democratic efforts in Libya have failed.
Margelov said, “Some people happy to openly drink moonshine and others unhappy about that because they’re in favor of Sharia laws all over the country.”
“Some people are thinking about purity and Islamic identity,” Margelov boasted. “Some talk about necessity of establishing Sharia law all over the country, Islamic world, all over the Arab world.” At this, Margelov’s eyes flashed, then rolled back into his head as he foamed at the mouth.
“Chances of New Libyan Government and judicial system sharing values of human rights and democracy expected to be minimal,” Margelov explained through gritted teeth.
Related news [ Libya ]
- Russian oil companies have already started operations in Libya
- Russian railroads “ready to get back.”
- New Libyan Government welcomes Russian companies! Margelov: “So why not?”
This message is brought to you Faithfully by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“Feed the beast in your heart. Donate to Lebal Drocer of Latter Day Saints today and save yourself for tomorrow. Darkness consuming faces of all people, dissolving egos, stealing souls, producing zombies of the Final Apocalypse.”
The nightmare isn’t over until you’re dead. That’s the Lebal Drocer Guarantee! (All rights reserved)
Richmond, Va.– It’s almost down to freezing here today, and all I can hear are the liberals complaining about this “global warming” supposedly taking place. Is anybody warm? Not me.
I’m cold, inside and out. And I’m just so mad about everything I see going on in politics today. We want to detain enemy soldiers, enemy combatants, people we believe support the enemy cause and damn it we need to keep a tight lid on this, because the crybaby non-partisans are already starting to catch wind of it. They say, “You can’t detain American citizens!” I say, “Not unless we can determine they show support for the enemy.” If they pay so much as a smile to Al Qaeda, then we ought to lock ‘em up. And I mean it. It should have happened sooner, right about the time everybody was bellyaching about “where are the WMDs?” as we liberated Iraq from a tyrannical dictator. Listen, brown people: sooner or later, you’re gonna have to Westernize, that’s just how it is. They weren’t going to do it themselves. Iraqis are not cut from the same cloth as the Arab Springers. In Iraq, they’re a weaker kind of Muslim, but that doesn’t mean we should not try to detain all them too. Jay Leno on latenight sure is a great start, but there are some people whom even Primetime TV can’t help.
I’m a shareholder with Boeing. We understand human suffering. At the same time, we understand war is a necessary enterprise. People can not exist without war. Sometimes war is the only way when you just can’t be together with someone. Sometimes war is the best way. Sometimes war is even kind of fun. Hell, I like war. Boeing creates some of the finest war machines of the 21st Century and I’m proud to hold stock in their company. I just wish people could understand how Boeing and the military-industrial complex helps the war industry create the most jobs out of any other industry. War is quite simply the best approach to the problem of human existence.
Now don’t get me wrong. I hate hearing about women and children suffering as a result of armed conflict sponsored by the United States. I can’t stand it and I know you can’t either which is why I make sure not to run that kind of news, so you don’t feel bad about yourselves and you feel more accepting of wartime conditions, all the time. It’s easier on us all that way. I don’t want to see images of little dead babies in the laps of their crying armless mothers just as bad as you don’t, so hey, let’s just not look at it. Simple as that.
[pullquote]Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.[/pullquote]If more people just learned life is what you make of it, then we’d all be a lot happier, am I right? Of course I am. Now if you want to go and wear black makeup and put a bunch of dark shit on your blog with twenty seven followers, that’s your prerogative but don’t drag the rest of us down with you. Life is what you make of it and I speak for those of us who just want to make money and watch Family Guy. Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.
There are a good number of communists out there, on the internet – or a bad number depending on how you feel – who wish to destroy the very foundations of Democracy upon which this country was built. They’d rather not work and take all your money than see any truly beneficial changes arise out of a free market. But this is all part of a larger campaign against the Freedoms we hold dear in our American hearts. These anarchists want a larger government, and are actively seeking more regulations on an already-suffering market. They do this by sleeping in a nearby park. Despicable.
And that’s where global warming comes in. The cold weather was supposed to run the occupiers out, but soon it will be warm. Were they shouting about global warming to get us to ignore the problem, just so they could use it to their advantage to protest on through the winter? These self-hating liberal American communists are devious creatures, and should be hunted down and detained for the manipulation of truth around global warming and held accountable for the reckless obstruction of sidewalks everywhere.
I used to believe it wasn’t real, it was invented. But it will soon be unseasonably warm for a January so I’ve begun to ask myself: Why global warming? Was it all just a scheme by the liberals to generate distrust in our ecosystem? Or was there actually a false flag attack on our basic understanding of the overall workings of nature – aimed ultimately at tricking the general public into putting innocent bank managers and corporations in the path of Communist occupiers? Their hatred for free enterprise knows no bounds, folks. They’ll stop at nothing. They’re already sleeping in a nearby park, despicably lowering property values in the surrounding area, so why wouldn’t they lie to you?
Do the liberals really hate our freedom so much as to make up a global warming scheme to detract our fickle attention from national security? Today it’s cold, but Monday it will be sixty degrees and sunny. Dear God, are we in the end times?
Hiring new writers
Here at chronicle.su we don’t take credit for our work. It’s just a power thing. When hundreds of thousands of people – or millions – from all over the world believe something simply because you wrote it at chronicle.su, dear God, you’ll never get over it.
If you can write anywhere above an 11th grade level, and I mean a “smart” 11th grade writing level, then we’re offering you a cut of that power, and credit for your work if you desire (but I wouldn’t advise it). For how long? We’re not sure. Something like a month in your own guaranteed spot and potentially longer if you’re good, even indefinitely. Also you’ll receive a free chronicle.su t-shirt, made in a real-life sweatshop as seen on TV.
It does not matter what you write, because if it’s good you’ll know it and so will we. Don’t be afraid of writing tripe, even though we will ridicule it. Tripe is useful here at chronicle.su and you may have a talent you didn’t even know you had; ideally, a talent for shit material that is so weird it’s funny. Write anything.
One thing I want to emphasize is we truly do not give a fuck.
Submit your reports below. Copy and paste it or whatever. Format can suck and that’s okay. If you wish to include pictures, screw that form and email the whole thing to [email protected]
[contact-form-7 id="7194" title="Contact form 1"]
The sensational news article, found on this eyesore of a website, about halfway down said Aafia Siddiqui suggested that “maybe Israel had something to do with it.” It, meaning the World Trade Center attacks on September 11, 2001.
Aafia Siddiqui is a Pakistani neuroscientist who studied at MIT. Later she allegedly decided she might like to engage in sexy terrorism. The article says it all, in just a few words, including words like “She then fired the rifle at various individuals.”
4chan raised the question once, causing it later to be dismissed as the lulz. But Aafia Siddiqui raised it back: Did Jews cause 9/11?
Do not be taken in so quickly. If the Jews did 9/11 then why are we slaughtering brown people? Is it to keep down heating costs like the liberal media would have us believe? Exactly.
I don’t think there’ll ever be a time in my life when I don’t fear the unending wrath of Muslim rage possibly winding up in my children’s schools. No sir, my children will learn that the Jew is our friend. Yea, we’d all be speaking German right now if the Jews hadn’t dragged us into World War II and that Indians shared maize with the pilgrims, who later corrected their population for using the wrong word to identify corn.