Category: News

INTERNET — An exclusive Internet Chronicle investigation into records made public through the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) revealed that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has hired tens of thousands of undocumented or “illegal” immigrants, who are being given a path to citizenship in exchange for their service in deporting other illegals.

The Trump administration has struggled to hire ICE agents, offering massive bonuses in a nationwide television advertisement campaign which aims to to poach agents from local police forces.

“You took an oath to protect and serve … you’re ordered to stand down,” one commercial told viewers, offering a $60,000 signing bonus to new hires.

ICE has few requirements for applicants, and with average ages of newly hired citizens exceeding 55 years old, what’s not shown in the commercial are details of a secretive citizenship path for illegal immigrants who become agents, utilizing an Obama era amnesty provision for federal employees.

“The truth is very few police officers are joining ICE, unless they are already retired, with the majority too old to do anything aside office work. Most of the agents doing the hard work deporting people on the streets are coming from South or Central America, and they’re getting a $60,000 signing bonus and Obama era amnesty regardless of their immigration status,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters. “They’re given the choice to either hunt or become hunted, to join ICE or be sent to the camp.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt fired back at reporters questioning this policy’s wisdom, “Americans just don’t want to do dirty jobs anymore, and if you don’t like it, you can blame Obama’s amnesty provisions which are causing this to happen. President Trump is doing everything in his power to purge America of illegal criminals, who are the worst of the worst.”

Meanwhile, rumors among immigrants on TikTok suggest this system of employing illegals to enforce immigration crime has led to widespread corruption and abuse of seemingly endless cash bonuses.

“ICE showed up and arrested Pedro as soon as he finished the last roofing job,” Jorge Hernandez said in a TikTok video that’s now gone viral, “I thought he might be in that camp with the cartel, but then he’s at my door with a gun and a vest trying to talk me into being deported. He said, ‘Jorge, I’ll split the $60,000 with you and fly you back here next week, you’re a citizen anyway so they can’t stop you coming back or put you in a camp.’ I said ‘no way, I don’t want to risk that.’ But I let him take Hernando, it’s good for him to meet his grandparents and set up a fund for his college education.”

INTERNET—Everything there is to know about Ethan Klein’s pedophile history is available NOW on reddit dot com, users reckon. It is written in parodical self-confession form, where the author speaks in a manner of heightened grotesque, playing a pervert, letch, or master killer, always leaving ambiguous where they’ve crossed the line for real. That author’s name? Ethan Klein himself. It was a style of comedy very popular in the 00s. By the 10s Klein stood fearlessly alone, on reddit dot org, carrying the torch of that. He is the pedo_troll. It’s him.

Keen investigators however were keen to report that Klein’s salacious boy-love fantasia can be corroborated with actual incidents and documented facts. A revelation that now damns Klein to the sticking point. Is Ethan Klein the mask, and pedo_troll the true flesh beneath? None dread this certainty more than internet’s youngest and dimmest- drawn to “safe” Klein for his teddy bear clothing brand, childlike performance persona, aesthetic, and wife.

“I’ve been putting the H3 podcast on for my daughter’s nap time this whole time without even realising,” opined single mother Jamie Jo Corne, “to be honest I’ve never really been that much of an H3 fan, his shit’s been stale for a long time. That invert the spoon video was funny but that’s so long ago I don’t even remember the proper title. He was catching some heat with the whole idubbbz drama but he lost me when he started suing those fart fetish girls. Anyway I just started leaving the H3cast on for the baby and now she cries if I don’t play it. She gets bored of old episodes so I have to keep up with this freak. On top of it all I learn about this pedo_troll shit? Yuck. No thank you.”

Chronicle reached out to Klein directly but got blown off nasty style: “why aren’t you people going after Destiny! Steven Bonnell the second? Come on you guys, he said he has 60GB of see-sam on his disk drive, ready to go! I’m telling you, you’re going after the wrong guy, he’s the bigger pedo. I mean- wait- hold on- don’t print that. I mean, if I were to look at this whole reddit pedo troll thing and compare it to this guy, who is in frequent contact with minors, blackmailing them with revenge porn, and then planning on stream to flee to Israel, you’re seriously going to suggest I’m the one that needs the exposé? For trolling?! You’re the one that’s sick in the head, pal, not me! Sounds like you’re freakin obsessed! What is this rag anyway, chronicle sue? Hey that’s ironic, cos guess what’s next for you guys!”

After a terse exchange of words Klein put Internet Chronicle in touch with the head of his legal team, Vile Sloggvorbis, who informs us he now sleeps with a bottle of brandy at his bedside and a pump action 590. “Just try me if you think I’m bullshitting!”

INTERNET — As the media frenzy over Trump’s ties to Jeffrey Epstein boil over, Vice President Vance has quietly moved forward in talks with Stephen Miller, who finished the first draft of Project 2026 Monday evening.

Stating that national security is threatened by a “brain drain” as wealthy liberals leave the nation, Project 2026’s first priority is to restrict travel and ban Americans from emigrating or becoming citizens of other nations.

While it’s true that school shootings, political retaliation, racist violence, and mass imprisonments have driven well-to-do liberal Americans into leaving the country by the tens of thousands each month, that isn’t the whole story. According to some experts, the architects of Project 2026 are more concerned with the possibility of lower income classes leaving the country by the tens of millions when Project 2025’s Soviet-style forced labor provisions begin to kick in.

Historian and Political Science professor Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, however, believes this sudden shift in policy was planned, “The wall was never about keeping immigrants out, but rather keeping the masses in, and forcing productivity out of them. The New Iron Curtain, as Vance himself calls it, will have Americans working for even less than the illegals.”

Troubador sat back in his chair, smoking a cuban, “You wanna know what I really think? ICE is only running a pilot program with the deportations, and in the end it’s all going to build up to this sophisticated paramilitary for compelling labor, punishing political expression, and imprisoning tens of millions of American citizens. You think they arrested citizens on accident? Think again. They are only pushing against the Republic for judicial or legislative resistance and weeding it all out ahead of time. Any Americans who aren’t imprisoned will find themselves in permanent debt and compelled to work forty hours a week at jobs they are not legally allowed to quit. Project 2026 signals the end of Republicanism and the beginning of a dynastic totalitarian empire.”