Category: News

GENEVA—Each year in December the Uncles of America Society has convened since 1972. This year a special meeting was called six weeks ahead of schedule to recognize one guy: Uncle Randy.

After the 68th annual meeting of the Uncle society, Uncle Randy was said to be cool as hell in their report, and funny too.

“He’s just a pretty good old boy from what we figured of him,” Chairman Uncle Chuck said. “Randy is a fine driver, too.”

“They put a maggot under your— into your belly and eat you from the inside out.”

—Randy talks spam callers, 2025

Uncle Mike said Randy’s funnier than hell, long as you can put up with him.

“Randy’ll say one thing, and it’s only kind of funny,” Mike said. “Then he repeats it ’cause he wants that same laugh but it’s not funny anymore. Some time goes by. Randy says it again. He keeps saying it. 15 minutes go by, Randy’s still saying it, he says it again, ‘Did you boil the boomerhides, Daddy?’ and I’ll be a son of a gun if it ain’t funny again.”

Uncle Chris said him and Randy used to go nip-hunting on a Saturday night. Nip-hunting, less vulgar than it sounds, simply means to go out on the weekend looking to get acquainted with an old woman’s fat tits.

“We was out there nip-huntin all hours of the night till the damn sun come up, and where you think I was?” Chris said. “I was a layin in the ditch and woke up to the sights and sound of Randy beating the doors off his ’65 Impala with a 20-lb sledgehammer.”

Chuck, who says the vehicle did not belong to Randy, cites the incident as a “cornerstone Randy experience,” stating in the report that property laws cease to apply in the presence of madness and that by daybreak, that car belonged to history:

“Like I said earlier, we hereby recognize Uncle Randy as a pretty good old boy, crazy though and I should add, a rough and tumble kinda guy.”

He just likes laughing and having a good time.

INTERNET — An exclusive Internet Chronicle investigation into records made public through the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) revealed that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has hired tens of thousands of undocumented or “illegal” immigrants, who are being given a path to citizenship in exchange for their service in deporting other illegals.

The Trump administration has struggled to hire ICE agents, offering massive bonuses in a nationwide television advertisement campaign which aims to to poach agents from local police forces.

“You took an oath to protect and serve … you’re ordered to stand down,” one commercial told viewers, offering a $60,000 signing bonus to new hires.

ICE has few requirements for applicants, and with average ages of newly hired citizens exceeding 55 years old, what’s not shown in the commercial are details of a secretive citizenship path for illegal immigrants who become agents, utilizing an Obama era amnesty provision for federal employees.

“The truth is very few police officers are joining ICE, unless they are already retired, with the majority too old to do anything aside office work. Most of the agents doing the hard work deporting people on the streets are coming from South or Central America, and they’re getting a $60,000 signing bonus and Obama era amnesty regardless of their immigration status,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters. “They’re given the choice to either hunt or become hunted, to join ICE or be sent to the camp.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt fired back at reporters questioning this policy’s wisdom, “Americans just don’t want to do dirty jobs anymore, and if you don’t like it, you can blame Obama’s amnesty provisions which are causing this to happen. President Trump is doing everything in his power to purge America of illegal criminals, who are the worst of the worst.”

Meanwhile, rumors among immigrants on TikTok suggest this system of employing illegals to enforce immigration crime has led to widespread corruption and abuse of seemingly endless cash bonuses.

“ICE showed up and arrested Pedro as soon as he finished the last roofing job,” Jorge Hernandez said in a TikTok video that’s now gone viral, “I thought he might be in that camp with the cartel, but then he’s at my door with a gun and a vest trying to talk me into being deported. He said, ‘Jorge, I’ll split the $60,000 with you and fly you back here next week, you’re a citizen anyway so they can’t stop you coming back or put you in a camp.’ I said ‘no way, I don’t want to risk that.’ But I let him take Hernando, it’s good for him to meet his grandparents and set up a fund for his college education.”

INTERNET—Everything there is to know about Ethan Klein’s pedophile history is available NOW on reddit dot com, users reckon. It is written in parodical self-confession form, where the author speaks in a manner of heightened grotesque, playing a pervert, letch, or master killer, always leaving ambiguous where they’ve crossed the line for real. That author’s name? Ethan Klein himself. It was a style of comedy very popular in the 00s. By the 10s Klein stood fearlessly alone, on reddit dot org, carrying the torch of that. He is the pedo_troll. It’s him.

Keen investigators however were keen to report that Klein’s salacious boy-love fantasia can be corroborated with actual incidents and documented facts. A revelation that now damns Klein to the sticking point. Is Ethan Klein the mask, and pedo_troll the true flesh beneath? None dread this certainty more than internet’s youngest and dimmest- drawn to “safe” Klein for his teddy bear clothing brand, childlike performance persona, aesthetic, and wife.

“I’ve been putting the H3 podcast on for my daughter’s nap time this whole time without even realising,” opined single mother Jamie Jo Corne, “to be honest I’ve never really been that much of an H3 fan, his shit’s been stale for a long time. That invert the spoon video was funny but that’s so long ago I don’t even remember the proper title. He was catching some heat with the whole idubbbz drama but he lost me when he started suing those fart fetish girls. Anyway I just started leaving the H3cast on for the baby and now she cries if I don’t play it. She gets bored of old episodes so I have to keep up with this freak. On top of it all I learn about this pedo_troll shit? Yuck. No thank you.”

Chronicle reached out to Klein directly but got blown off nasty style: “why aren’t you people going after Destiny! Steven Bonnell the second? Come on you guys, he said he has 60GB of see-sam on his disk drive, ready to go! I’m telling you, you’re going after the wrong guy, he’s the bigger pedo. I mean- wait- hold on- don’t print that. I mean, if I were to look at this whole reddit pedo troll thing and compare it to this guy, who is in frequent contact with minors, blackmailing them with revenge porn, and then planning on stream to flee to Israel, you’re seriously going to suggest I’m the one that needs the exposé? For trolling?! You’re the one that’s sick in the head, pal, not me! Sounds like you’re freakin obsessed! What is this rag anyway, chronicle sue? Hey that’s ironic, cos guess what’s next for you guys!”

After a terse exchange of words Klein put Internet Chronicle in touch with the head of his legal team, Vile Sloggvorbis, who informs us he now sleeps with a bottle of brandy at his bedside and a pump action 590. “Just try me if you think I’m bullshitting!”