In an unprecedented display of power, the telcom giant Comcast has stationed a battery of private paramilitary forces around the insurrecting township of Ferguson, MO.
The industry giant’s spokesman, Jeremy Malestrong, said the need for intervention became apparent when existing customer service measures proved insufficient to quell the bubbling uprising.
The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to “kill on sight” any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.
“The free market has a solution for Ferguson,” Malestrong said. “State and local customer service representatives armed with tanks, teargas and M-16s are not enough if the agents are unwilling to use them. Our Comcastic death squads will ensure the kind of customer service Comcast users are accustomed to by restoring stability to the region and answering Ferguson citizen complaints, all – and I mean all – of whom are loyal Comcast customers.”
Malestrong said privatized oppression is the next logical step of customer satisfaction, adding that the coming merger with Time Warner Cable could offer a direct solution to the problem of choice.[pullquote]There will be only one source of Internet: us!
“After the merger, our customers will no longer be forced into the uncomfortable decision of choosing where to go for the best Internet,” Malestrong said. “There will be only one source of Internet: us!”
Lieutenant Harry Coinpurse of the Ferguson County branch of Comcast customer service issued a press release stating that with the arrival of paramilitary hate forces, the Ferguson Police Department is free to return to the day-to-day police work of pulling over black people and asking where they’re headed.
“By way of the marriage of neoliberalism and socialized oppression,” Coinpurse stated, “we are proud to announce the dispersal of ALL dissatisfied Comcast customers, and will be expanding the curfew to include daytime hours so that you are safer indoors and have more time to spend on your secure, not-at-all monitored Comcast high speed Internet featuring 99.9% uptime.”*
Ferguson residents have issued a slew of responses to their reiterated enslavement ranging from satisfied, to very satisfied. In a survey at the end of the call, at least half of respondents said they would recommend Comcast Systematic Oppression of Justice to a friend.
*Conditions may apply; does not pertain to the entire Internet, and especially not to chronicle.su.
TOLEDO - Toledo is in a state of emergency today after EPA chemists found a deadly toxin in the water that automatically kills anything it touches. After hours of research, no one yet understands the wretched algal bloom that appeared over Lake Eerie and started coming out of Toledoan’s water faucets Saturday.
The price of water in the midwestern town shot up to $10 per gallon, and the town has been described as a post-apocalyptic nightmare scenario akin to “Raccoon City” of the popular zombie survival videogame Resident Evil.
Experts have suggested the toxic algae bloomed “far beyond” what occurs in nature.
Jim Glube, researcher for the federal EPA, said the water supply was intentionally poisoned.
“I’ve seen this before,” Glube said. “You don’t get algae bloom like this out in the wild without artificial intervention. Someone had to go out on the lake and spread this stuff around.”
Glube said the poisoning could be the work of bioterrorists or some kind of “new world order.”
“The move was so calculated, I’m willing to say this was not just one guy,” Glube told Chronicle investigators. “Based on Eerie’s size, and the magnitude of the spread, my guess is this was a calculated effort to bring about some kind of new world order.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour is an editor of the peer-reviewed journal Nature. Troubadour said if the town was poisoned, then “Nestle would know something about it,” because they have private access to the lake, but no one from the company would respond.
“Remember the baby formula thing,” Troubadour said. “Nestle is not very cautious. They don’t care, and they are connected to very, very horrible people who believe access to water is not a basic human right.”
As scientists grapple with how to solve the humanitarian crisis in Toledo, politicians are assuring residents up front that they are working on an alternative water solution. And in the back, they’re asking their corporate donors to donate next year to the PAC instead.
The Toledo Health Department says it is critical residents know the following:
- It is safe for healthy adults to bathe, but do not let the water stay on your skin longer than a few minutes.
- Do not drink tap water until the ‘all clear’ has been given. This also includes pets.
- Do not use tap water to cook.
- Do not boil tap water, as this increases the concentration of toxins.
- It is OK to use your toilet, as long as no water splashes up into your butt hole.
- If you’re on well water, have your well water tested daily. If the poisoning was intentional, there is no way to tell who is being targeted or how far the killers will go
Jeff Norment loves heroin.
RICHMOND, Va. – As state and local police bark outrage into TV cameras about ‘drug abuse’ and ‘urban decay’, lamenting spikes in violent crime, one often-overlooked piece of the picture in the war on drugs is the people actually using drugs.
To people like 27-year-old Jeff Norment, the heroin coming down I-75 from Detroit is “a God-send.” Norment says heroin has improved his life considerably, although his point of view is often brushed aside in favor of order and public safety.
“I was eating 20 and 40 pills a day, you name it, I was doing it,” Norment said, looking real cool. “But it was hell on my liver. But now that I’m on heroin – I’m in Heaven!”
Norment argued that the Richmond media – TV news in particular – does not represent all sides of the story, with a tendency to favor police and marginalize victims.
“Typical TV news story: we went to the Richmond police. We went to the state police,” Norment said. “But they didn’t come a-callin’ for old Jeff, saying, ‘Jeff how you liking them drugs?’ Now how are you gonna call that objective journalism and tell me I’m the bad guy?”
Norment argued that his voice is the missing piece of the story of a so-called ‘heroin epidemic’ in Richmond.
“I smoke crack on the reg. I snort dust on the reg. I shoot heroin on the reg, and you don’t see me committing no crimes. I just like me the rush, is all. And I like to lay here on this sofa playing PlayStation.”
Norment, who lives near the Grace Street Police Station, said police knock on his door almost every day – sometimes looking for suspects – sometimes just to break his balls.
“I know it ain’t good for me,” Norment said, rolling his eyes. “They’re always telling me that.”
Norment said if it weren’t for the police, he would have fewer problems.
“Thanks to heroin,” Norment said, “I’ve dodged a few bullets, both figuratively and literally. Shit, heroin even helps me escape the crushing reality of using heroin.”
28-year-old VCU alum Stephen Ascot says heroin affords him a certain lifestyle. The only difference, Ascot said, is that he is not on heroin.
“My weed dealer across the street gets me what I need, but he doesn’t give me heroin,” Ascot said. “I just know he’s going to be there, because he is on heroin.”
Richmond Police Captain Mike Ebert said drugs might feel good now, but addicts will “be pretty sore” about the crackdown on horse pouring in from Detroit.
“It’s easy to get addicted to the stuff, you just put it in your arm,” Ebert said. “But they’re going to be pretty sore about it when there ain’t no more heroin left for sale on the streets, after they do it all up.”
Ebert said his department is working with state police to set up checkpoints along the I-75 corridor to catch heroin traffickers coming down from the Motor City.
“Of course, the stops are designed to appear random,” he said. “But they’re not. We’ll know who to stop.”
This news is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals.
The Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.
Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.
“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”
Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su Financial Analyst.
Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.
Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.
Dan Brown, author
Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.
[Editor's note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]
Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.
In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.
President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™
Supple milky skin ‘No Excuse,’ say parents
At least 100 children were allegedly harmed at an event outsourced to employees of Hatesec Enterprise. Hatesec Enterprise is an Internet startup company sponsored by celebrity entrepreneur Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer and Lebal Drocer, Inc. The company’s mission statement states its primary goal is to bring jobs to marginalized white American citizens amid a nationwide influx of Hispanic, Latino and Middle Eastern wage earners.
Documents suggest a controversial Lebal Drocer subsidiary designed to fuck kids may be responsible for at least 100 fucked kids.
The children harmed by Hatesec Enterprise are shielded by various child protection laws from revealing their identities, however they may soon reach an agreement preventing them from discussing the matter any further with anyone except for their team of pro-Bono attorneys donated by the kind hearted Lebal Drocer Association For The Advancement Of Fucked Kids.
Anonymous sources inside the company have revealed the scandal might have erupted from the so-called Sex Abuse “Hot”Line, a controversial wing of the startup company designed to put America’s worst sex offenders to work – a feat key social rehabilitation specialists said was impossible before now.
“We really should have seen this coming,” said Internet Chronicle Special Victims and National Security Staff Reporter Dan K. Story. “Their mission statement was to rape people professionally, and people are mad about this? I say everybody needs to calm down and let the free market work out a real solution.”
Story went on to explain the complex relationship between the Federal Government and free market economics: “If the government cracks down on this now, then we’re all going to be headed down a slippery slope of Big Government ruling every facet of our lives. See? This is why we need a domestic drone program.”
Past settlements have stated no children can speak publicly about Lebal Drocer, Inc. or its subsidiaries without express, written permission signed by company President and CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Such is sexpected to be the case as their hearing goes before the courts Monday.
This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
No children were directly harmed during the production of this news story.
Legendary columnist Old Brutus of the Internet Chronicle exploded with Rage Friday after investors pulled funding to the popular underground hatesite. His alcohol fueled blackout comes on the heels of reports “not even children were reading” his publications, according to information leaked by a Thursday hack against chronicle.su webservers.
FILE PHOTO: Old Brutus assaulted fellow employees as they tried to restrain him. Witnesses say he bit, kicked and scratched Executive Editor Kilgoar Trout. Brutus later threatened suicide.
Brutus reportedly knocked a hole in his office wall with the butt of a rifle after drinking himself into a racist stupor.
“Young kids just don’t like double-nigger-penetration anymore,” said Brutus. “They’re only satisfied if the girl is throwing up, crying, shitting herself – or doing everything at the same time; like this.” Brutus proceeded to soil himself, and vomited blood onto his trousers before crying himself to sleep in the arms of staff writer Frank Mason.
Mason said Brutus will sleep for a few hours but ultimately repeat the cycle of abuse and self-loathing. “But he’ll wake up some time tonight and remember why it hurts, then he’ll start drinking again. All Brutus feels is a spectrum of pain. His eyes have grown icy, lifeless. The only thing left in his emotional toolkit is abuse.”
Insider reports suggest no amount of death hoaxes or falsified celebrity nudes could possibly bring the Internet Chronicle into the end of the next fiscal year. The FY will bring crippling debt that makes suicide appear to be the only promising option left in the Chronicle vocabulary. Brutus has threatened suicide on multiple occasions, but as bill collectors and hosting dues draw near, sources claim the suicide threats have increased in frequency.
Mason said he expects “a brief return to his old self again” in the early afternoon, when Brutus usually wakes up and begins a campaign of starvation-enhanced Civilization V domination.
“But for now,” Mason said, “we’re just praying.”
“Do you know what’s going on in our country?” asked 20-year-old fagatronic nimrod Dale Shelton of Roanoke, Va.
Shelton said he is fed up with the direction American politics are heading. He said the decisions being made at the top affect everyone, including children.
“They’re raping our rights,” Shelton said, “like we raped the lands of the Native American Indian Redskin Savages.”
Shelton was later discovered to be a rapist with no actual opinions about anything.
Get it together, Shelton.
NOVATO, CALIF. (2-7-2012) - An anonymous internet user going by the name of OP released the bank account numbers, Social Security Numbers, phone numbers and addresses of a massive number of Novato residents Saturday.
CHRONICLE.SU URGENT UPDATE: (2-6-2013)
An anonymous caller phoned in a tip that he is “free now” and intends to “finish” what he “started” one year ago, challenging all preconceptions OP is a fag. Listen to the bone-chilling telephone call here.
The individual, who seemingly appeared out of the blue, addressed the anonymous website as his “crew,” using rhyming language.
Rumors are circulating that the information passed down originated from an accomplished hacker group comprised of remnants of LulzSec.
As leaks poured out, anonymous internet users suspected they might be credit cards, but later determined the leaked information was bank account numbers issued by Westamerica Bank, a local bank of California which issues ten digit account numbers like are found in the leaks, or “dox,” the term sometimes used for the disclosure of sensitive information.
Do you remember me?
Infamous I was
Fucking shit up, causing quite the buzz
I belonged to a team
With a hacker like theme
Now I’m lurking here
For a crew thats top tier
I have a plan thats 4 years in the making
And soon we’ll have what’s ours for the taking
A handful of brave or reckless individuals logged into the bank website using the details.
Others signed up for accounts using the credit information, immediately followed by declarations of deletion of virtual machines, as well as paranoia fueled incineration of their hard drives.
Another user asked, “what did they do to you OP? Seriously, not the whole fucking town could have wronged you.”
“OP” refers to the “original poster,” who has acknowledged the extreme likelihood of going to prison as a result of his or her actions.
After some investigation, it was determined OP’s identity might possibly have something to do with Jack Briner who, in 1997, used stolen lists of information from his former bank of employment for use at Westmerica Bank. Google results reveal Jack Briner is teaching economics to the upcoming best-and-brightest of San Jose.
OP was particularly inclined to call out an individual by the name of Jim Greenway, whose SSN was referenced repeatedly and explicitly. OP added, “the rest and greenway shall pay.”
UPDATE: Jim Greenway is a bank branch manager.
After posting the 25th batch of account numbers, OP quipped, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team,” spawning a meme which, as time goes on, will likely gain notoriety with its obscurity.
Also, there was a four hour countdown. At zero hour, this happened:
greenway is gone
i have set us up the bomb
time to say goodbye
as i too shall die
RICHMOND, VA. — “We just seen the opportunity, and I couldn’t pass it up. I had to own a slave,” said Internet Chronicle Publisher Frank Mason, speaking to clerical staff and press called to a conference at 1000 Monument Ave. With Jeff Schapiro from the Times-Dispatch busily taking notes, Mr. Mason continued, lamenting that he could only purchase a worker’s mortal flesh, “his gametes but never his soul.” He emphasized every syllable with a bang on the marble table top.
“God ain’t legalized that yet,” said Mr. Mason with a dry, wheezing laugh, before ejecting a runny stream of “baccy” from between tarred lips into a spittoon two meters away, carved apparently from a human skull.
“See that spitoon over there?” he said, gesticulating for reporters and Richmond business leaders. “That there’s a Czech. You can tell by the shape of the unity lobe.”
Editor of Chronicle.su — and lifelong friend of Mr. Mason’s — Kilgoar Trout complained that he was given no say in the matter. “Frank wanted to own a human being, he said. He said it’d make him feel powerful. It does.”
Lebal Drocer is a limited liability corporation. In God’s new America NAFTA and GATT have railroaded the communist unions that used to effectively clip and snip job creators. Those days are over. 1999 and Seattle came and went.
And they lost.
In addition to having assembled Virginia business leaders and various Saudi investors to show off what he called “his new Chinese,” Frank Mason told Internet Chronicle enthusiasts present that he was encouraging staff to obtain concealed-carry permits as soon as possible, and to fasten as many rails as possible to any “tricked-out rifles” staff might have hoarded in secret rooms in their basements. “That one’s putting a clampdown on on everything holy. Like my grandpappy used to say, Jesus won’t tolerate no clip with less capacity than days in his months,” adding, “And I ain’t talking about February!”
It was at this point that Raymond H. Boone of the Richmond Free-Press left the conference.
Editor Kilgoar Trout shared his concern that the company was moving too quickly away from the model of documenting the most frightening developments in cybersecurity and the out-of-control, privately bought-out surveillance state. “With this new venture into human trafficking,” said Mr. Trout to the publisher of Southside’s Community Weekly, “Frank’s really hijacking my religion of peace.”
Houston–SlaveTech Enterprises office monkey Harold Strafford the Third opened fire on his colleagues Wednesday after contracting a rare, unseasonable case of the Mondays.
Police responded with deadly force. “This is like no case of the Mondays I’ve ever seen,” said Officer Mike Fish. “Today is Wednesday.”
Mario Kline, 32, described the gripping moment Strafford decided to murder his colleagues. Strafford stepped Kline’s wounded body just before succumbing to a hail of gunfire by responding officers.
“He strafed down aisle after aisle of cubicles, pumping a frenzy of lead into anything that moved – and all the computers. Especially the computers. It was horrible. I had all my porn on there, and some people are dead.”
Shotgun blast after shotgun blast, Strafford killed four people and injured seventeen others. Among his victims were two office clerks, a member of upper-middle management, and the secretary who greeted him at the door. Each victim was shot in the mouth.
Strafford’s attorney, Leo Steinbrenner, told reporters his client was “under a lot of stress” Wednesday, and had no patience for people constantly asking him what was wrong. “He was just having a case of the Mondays,” Steinbrenner explained, adding, “Sure, my client acted out of line; sure, you can call it a murderous rampage. But in a bad job market, my client is a maverick. [emphasis added] You can’t say he isn’t thinking outside the box! Try to look at it this way: my client is a job creator.”
A note found on the gunman’s untouched desk exhibits total loss of control as Strafford ultimately succumbed to the will of his unsuppressed rage, and urge to create jobs:
USELESS ENVisioning a pick-axe in your fucking face of raw bone
pure fury hatred “Bella Mew. Monday. Wednesday morning murderhate.”
Little faggot daughter suck a dick find a man, try to escape this loveless land,
I dare you little whore–
Try to escape
My murderous hand.
“Old Brutus,” SlavTech custodian, said Strafford confronted him in the middle of his killing spree. “He looked me in the eye and said I’ve got a lot of work to do – ‘after all this’ – cleaning up blood, and guts, and stuff. He said he had no hard feelings toward me, mostly because out of all the weed he ever smoked in his life, he said just about all fifty pounds of it came from me and my people.”
Harold Strafford, just moments before snapping into a psychopathic killing spree.
No word yet on how the family’s victims will cope with today’s brutal tragedy, but sources are already reporting intake of marijuana, alcohol and barbiturates to ease the pain of losing a father, a brother, a son, a daughter, wife, a sister, a close friend – all beloved office drones – all sacrificed at the hands of a case of the Mondays.
Our prayers and the prayers of Lebal Drocer, Inc. go out to the SlavTech Corporation whose untold suffering won’t be felt until Monday, when Human Resources must undergo the arduous task of listing several job openings on the Internet date rape site craigslist.org.