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Jeremy Scahill reveals the xPhone, Apple’s safest phone yet

Jeremy Scahill uses Apple's Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it's safe
Jeremy Scahill uses Apple’s Encryption for all his sensitive journalist work, so you know it’s safe

Hi, I’m Jeremy Scahill. Thanks to Edward Snowden’s heroic leaks, we know beyond a doubt that the NSA and the CIA have tapped into your iPhone. These evil agencies tortured people, lied to Congress, and ran black sites. Do you expect them to keep their hands off of your iPhone?

Apple is rolling out its safest phone yet, the xPhone. They’re the phones I use when I’m telling my story from the frontlines of the global cyberwar and tracking down American terror squads fighting Dirty Wars.

Zero day mercenaries are breaking even Apple’s safe iPhones for the US government, but they won’t even share their exploits with Apple. That’s why the xPhone is immune to all zero day attacks, using Apple’s latest breakthrough in cryptography, the cryptoshield. The cryptoshield requires the world’s most powerful miniaturized graphics processor and the most powerful batteries known to science. The xPhone’s safety also makes it the fastest phone anyone has ever created. Thanks to the xPhone, the office at The Intercept is more efficient than ever at cranking out new revelations from Snowden.

Sometimes I think about the wasteland of the cyberwar and know that all the spying will culminate in the final moment for all of mankind, where every atom is calculated into a great mind beyond our comprehension and I feel as if doom is upon me. But then, inevitably, my xPhone will chirp happily and again I can see the great path to the shining summit of mankind, my new Apple xPhone, its pulsing lime flash assuring me that its cryptoapp is running at full capacity. I am safe, at least for now.

UPDATE: Apple is experiencing service outages as the US government retaliates against Apple’s untouchable xPhone by punishing Apple’s cloud mainframes. Non-xPhone Apple products may be back online by next week.

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SEX SCANDAL: Casey Anthony ‘barebacked’ Barack Hussein Obama – Casey cums to Washington

Casey Anthony wearing the American flag - the colorsOral sex in the Oval Office is something like a rite-of-passage for any American president. Kennedy had Monroe. Clinton had Lewinsky. Both Bushes had Barbara. And for the first time, the Internet Chronicle can reveal: Obama had Anthony.

Casey came to Washington shortly after a Florida jury found her—rightfully, dutifully, judiciously—not guilty of killing her two-year old daughter Caylee. With her big ole titties strapped tightly to her chest and her conscience as clear as a liter of chloroform, Casey was greeted at Dulles airport by Obama’s former chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, who had arranged the meeting at the behest of the president after being struck by her “natural, celestial” beauty on the tube.

“What can I say?” Emanuel said by phone. “Barry needed to get his rocks off. We were balls deep in this healthcare battle, Benghazi, Abdulrahman. It all was starting to add up. Not to mention Michelle was menopausal, so that hole wasn’t exactly a moist prospect for our country, if you catch my drift.”

When Anthony arrived at the White House that evening, the president wined and dined her with the White House’s finest.

“Casey comes from good stock, a real classy broad,” said Obama’s executive chef, Sam Kass. “We weren’t going to pour her from a box of Franzia. No, we broke out the Chateau Margaux that night.”

Their meeting lasted the entirety of the evening. Though details about the specifics of their doings are kept firmly under wrap, Emanuel let slip that the president did, in fact, show her that weeks copy of his so-called “kill-list”—a list of potential drone strike victims, made up mostly of innocent women and children in Bedouin villages.

“I can only guess that he wanted her input, her expertise,” Emanuel said. “He admired her cold, detached demeanor. It’s what the job dictates: killing children. And even though Casey is 100%, totally, unquestionably innocent, PBO knew he could glean some insight from a person who had at least suffered the same type of uninformed horseshit hysteria and accusations from the liberal Jew media.”

Emmanuel did confirm, off-the-record (oops), that Mr. Obama got fellated by Anthony that night in the Oval Office. His “first blow-jay in the O.O.,” as a former chief of staff of the Obama administration-turned-mayor of Chicago put it.

“Surprised it took him that long,” Dr. A.H.T. Roubadour, professor of American History at South Carolina Technical Community College, said in an interview Wednesday. “You know what? That might be the first interracial hummer to take place in the Oval Office… no, no. I forgot. 43 performed cunnilingus on Condoleezza a couple times. But that’s not the same thing.”

Commenting further on the tradition of the situation, Dr. Roubadour added, “It’s a competition for these Alpha’s. As one former president put it to me (Carter): If you’re gonna get your johnson smoked, the more extra-marital the better.”

When reached for comment by the Chronicle, Casey only said, “Bella Vita, bitches.”

SHOCKING IMAGES FROM CASEY’S D.C. SEX ROMP

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Sabu: “#OpDDD is censorship of my life”

Sabu was not happy after hearing about #OpDDD
Sabu was not happy after hearing about #OpDDD

I rose to power in Anonymous using a few simple tricks to manipulate and exploit people around me, and I see those same tricks being used against me by the new Hive Leaders. You shouldn’t trust anyone who influences people in Anonymous, and here’s why.

I was a dangerous person, a criminal and heroin dealer, but then I got turned onto hacking and carding culture and I’d always been good with computers. Carding was so much better than dealing with the gun play on the heroin scene, and I’d long been used to constant fear of arrest. At least my life wasn’t on the line and I could take care of my family.

It isn’t hard to appeal to people, and I gathered all the valuable intelligence I could from top players. When the FBI showed up to collect, it was the greatest relief of my life.

By working Anonymous like I did, I cut so many of my risks, carded more easily than ever, and found the fame and leverage to get away from crime once and for all. Now I’m an expert and the media pays me big money to appear and tell my story because it is a great version of the American Dream.

Now Anonymous wants to silence me and they think they can threaten anyone who posts my stories, but they can’t. This is America and people care about freedom of speech, and any idiot can see through their transparent and unfunny threats. They called it #OpDDD, a reference to Guy Fieri’s show and an attempt to shame my body. Shame on Anonymous. I was stupid to ever think Anonymous could be a force for good in the world.

And don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the Idea, but it seems like someone always has to rise to power and ruin it. I was that guy, but I’m not any different than anyone else, and in fact Anonymous is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just worry about the people in charge now, and what they may be working towards.